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This is why I closed the BBS, Denizens; it is eventually why I’ll shut down This Fine Blog&#153:&#160 No Fucking Time To Do Anything&#153.

So okay, here’s the recap:

Arlington Heights 60, Grapevine 14

at #19 Wisconsin 68, Bowling Green 17

#6 Texas A&M 58, at SMUT 6

Central Michigan 10 at Kansas 24

Iowa 24, at Pittsburgh 20

at Cincinnati 33, Tennessee 7

Denizens, that’s really all I have time for, literally.&#160 Sorry.

This week:&#160 5-1.&#160 Overall:&#160 21-3

The PFW will return tomorrow.&#160 What I’ll talk about is anyone’s guess – I don’t even know, myself.

Denizens, I was going to pontificate at length (as we start this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153) about how Roger Goodfella Goodell had gone all pussified sexist on us and hired four bimbos women to help oversee their domethtic violenthe polithies&#160 ‘n all, and about how the witchhunt over any NFL’er who had so much as looked&#160 crossways at a woman had begun (they’ve already arrested & suspended more players), and how all NFL employees are going to have to undergo thenthitivity “awareness” training, and so on & so forth.&#160 And about how this is no longer the game with which I fell in love, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Then I saw this.

Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III was told by an NFL representative to flip his ‘Know Jesus, Know Peace’ t-shirt inside-out at a press conference over his dislocated ankle on Sunday, reportedly because it was not a Nike t-shirt.

OOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!&#160 THAT BIG BAD BOOGEYMAN, JAY-ZUSSSSS!!!!!ONE!!1!!ELEVENTY!!!!!~

Wonder if Goodfella Goodell ever paused to ponder that, if he & his minions didn’t sneer so much at The Lord Jesus Christ, there might not be so much of the shit that’s going on in the NFL right now, eh what?

Let’s get to the football.&#160 Phil Young takes my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets into battle at Farrington Field tonight against the Grapevine Mustangs.

Grapevine only won one game last year, has a new head coach and (from listening to local punditry) doesn’t quite have their legs under them just yet.&#160 Gimme Heights in another squash (which, if it proves out, will mean a complete turnaround from last year’s non-district schedule, where they went 0-4 0-3).

Sunday, Tennessee, fresh off its humiliation at the hands of the Cowgirls, visits Andy Dalton & the Bengals of Cincy.&#160 The Orange & Black are only a seven-point favorite at home – which seems to me to be a bit low – but maybe Vegas knows something I don’t.

TCU is off, so we’ll do four wildcard games this week:&#160 Bowling Green State U. and #19 Wisconsin (squash alert), Iowa at UPittsburgh, #6 Texas A&M at SMUT (Schmear Schmoo) and Central Michigan in Lawrence to play Rock Chalk.&#160 (This is Charlie Weis’ last year, you heard it here first.&#160 I don’t care if I-State did&#160 beat Iowa last week, CM’s gonna come in here and torch ’em.)

We’re back Monday (hopefully) for the recap.&#160 In the meantime…if the light truly has&#160 come on in Cowgirlville, make sure you have Demarco Murray on your fantasy team, ’cause he’s going to gash St. Louis so much you’ll be seeing Ram bone…

Denizens, I simply ran out of time to get the recap in like I wanted, so here’s the summary:

Arlington Heights 28, at Scots Valley (CA) 14

at TCU 30, Minnesota 7

at Duke 41, Kansas 3

at Fresno State 19, Nebraska 55

at Tennessee 10, Dallas 26

at Cincinnati 24, Atlanta 10

Notable in this group was that Arlington Heights is, apparently, the first Texas “hah skrewl” (a little Rush lingo, there) team to ever play a game in Californication.&#160 (I’m rather dubious about that claim, but whatever.)

Otherwise…where’s this Nebraska team been?&#160 This is what I was accustomed to seeing when the Huskers were in the PFW. (And if they keep playing like this, I may have to reevaluate leaving them out this year.)

And it looks like the light may have finally come on in Cowgirlville:&#160 Run the ball, control the clock, don’t put all your eggs in the Romo basket (IOW, don’t give him a chance to be El Choko again) and keep your suspect D off the field as much as possible.

Don’t count on it continuing – at least, as long as pass-happy Jason “Red-Headed Jeebus” Garrett is still in charge.

This week:&#160 4-2.&#160 Overall:&#160 16-2.

The PFW will return Friday, when I will muse at some length (sort of) on the further pussification of the NFL.

Denizens, this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 begins with NFL mafia don head honcho Roger Goodfella Goodell getting caught acting like the mafia don head honcho mafia don this scribe has always thought him to be.

Recall, if you will, how the NFL just got through suspending Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice after the Ravens terminated his contract following that video of him delivering a Joe Frazier-caliber left hook to the noggin of his main squeeze.&#160 At time time, Goodell claimed that that was the first time the NFL had seen the video.

Welllllll…not so fast there, Sparky.

A law enforcement official says he sent a video of Ray Rice punching his then-fiancée to an NFL executive five months ago, while league executives have insisted they didn’t see the violent images until this week.

The official played The Associated Press a 12-second voicemail from an NFL office number on April 9 confirming the video arrived. A female voice expresses thanks and says: “You’re right. It’s terrible.”

[…]

The law enforcement official, speaking to the AP on condition of anonymity because of the ongoing investigation, says he had no further communication with any NFL employee and can’t confirm anyone watched the video. He said he was unauthorized to release the video but shared it unsolicited because he wanted the NFL to have it before deciding on Rice’s punishment.

The NFL has repeatedly said it asked for but could not obtain the video of Rice hitting Janay Palmer — who is now his wife — at an Atlantic City casino in February.

The league says it has no record of the video and that no one in the league office had seen it until it was released by TMZ on Monday. Asked about the voicemail Wednesday, NFL officials repeated their assertion that no league official had seen the video before Monday.

Soooooo…an initial slap-on-the-wrist for Rice, followed by a cover-up.&#160 “Nuthin’ t’ see here, move ‘long, we don’ know what’cher talk’n ’bout.”

Fairly typical behavior from Roger Goodfella, hm?

Let’s get to the football.&#160 My Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, having conquered a couple teams that would’ve beat the crap out of them last year, now Go West, Young Men&#153 – in this case, out Californication way to Scots Valley to play the locals out there.

I honestly don’t know who’s going to win this one – though I’m always leery about games like this.&#160 Gimme Heights and 50.

Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs are home again this weekend to play the UMinne-haha Golden Ferrets Gophers of the B1G (that’s “Big Ten” for the Church of the SubTarded).&#160 Vegas has the Froggies as a 15&#189-point favorite at home – which sounds a bit high to me, given that TCU’s still fine-tuning its offense and&#160 Boykin’s still at QB, but I guess we’ll see.

Sunday, Andy Dalton & the Cincy Bengals play host to Matt Ryan and the Hotlanta Falcons.&#160 Vegas has Cincy as a five-point home favorite.

I dunno about this.&#160 I’m not a believer any more in Matt Ryan – yet he does&#160 tend to eat up questionable secondaries – and Cincy has Terrence “Bust” Newman back there.&#160 This could get ugly.

For my wildcard games, we’re going to go with Nebraska at Fresno State (if McNeese nearly pulled off the upset in Lincoln, Fresno’s going to kill them), Kansas at Duke (the Devils get to pwn them in football, too) and the Dallas Cowgirls at Tennessee.&#160 (No, I still don’t like Widdle Jakie Locker, but Dallas doesn’t have anything this year.&#160 I seriously think the ‘Girlz may go 0-16.)

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.&#160 In the meantime, SMUT, which had June “Why Did I Leave Hawaii?” Jones just up & quit on them, is guaranteed not to lose this weekend…because (all together now)…

ENTIRE CAST & CREW OF SCBBS:&#160 …THEY DON’T PLAY!!!!!

See ya Monday.

0-16, anyone?

at Arlington Heights 36, Princeton 7

at #2 Alabama 41, Florida Atlantic 0 (Rain-shortened)

at #19 Nebraska 31, McNeese State 24

#20 Kansas State 32, at Iowa State 28

Cincinnati 23, at Baltimore 16

San Transexual 28, at Dall-ass 17

Y’know, I really thought Princeton was better than that.

Shows what I know:

A balanced rushing attack from Fort Worth Arlington Heights helped the Yellow Jackets to a 2-0 start to the season after defeating the Princeton Panthers 36-7 at Farrington Field.

Kerrion Graves led the Yellow Jackets on the ground with 90 yards on four carries, highlighted by an 80-yard touchdown run in the fourth quarter. Terrence Gilliam provided two touchdowns and 64 yards of rushing, while Deion Hair’Griffin added 62 yards on nine carries.

Arlington Heights had 400 yards of total offense, 286 yards rushing and 114 passing as Princeton fell to 1-1.

So is Heights that good, or is Princeton that bad?

Maybe we should start the chant: WE WANT ALEDO!!!!&#160 WE WANT ALEDO!!!!!&#160

—

A massive thunderstorm halted play between Bama & the Owls midway through the fourth quarter.

Didn’t matter.

Blake Sims had 214 passing yards and Jake Coker threw for 202 to lead the second-ranked Crimson Tide to a 41-0 win over Florida Atlantic on Saturday in a game cut short early for lightning. It’s the first time two Alabama quarterbacks had thrown for 200 yards in the same game and the second most passing yards in program history behind Scott Hunter’s 484 against Auburn in 1969.

Both quarterbacks got a chance to make a case for the Tide’s starting job in a one-sided game. The schools agreed to end the game with 7:53 left and Alabama (2-0) nearing the end zone again.

—

With a minute & a half left in the third quarter, K-State was 19 down to Iowa State.

Cue the massive comeback.

For about a quarter, it looked as if Kansas State was going to get run out of Ames.

The Wildcats survived a furious upset bid from Iowa State by leaning heavily on quarterback Jake Waters and a defense that shined in the second half.

Waters had an 8-yard touchdown run with 1:30 left to push 20th-ranked Kansas State past host Iowa State 32-28 on Saturday.

Waters threw for 239 yards and ran for a career-high 138 yards for the Wildcats (2-0, 1-0 Big 12). They allowed 28 consecutive points in one stretch of the first half, but Waters rescued the Wildcats with a stellar winning drive.

Waters followed a key 23-yard completion to Tyler Lockett with a 25-yard run with just under two minutes left. Then, Waters capped an 80-yard drive that took just 1:31 with his second touchdown run of the day.

Maybe N. Dakota State is&#160 that good.

—

Nebraska flat-out did not&#160 deserve to win this ballgame.

McNeese – that’s Southland Conference McNeese – had pulled ahead with about two & a half to play with a touchdown.&#160 Only there was a penalty on the play and the Cowboys had to settle for a field goal.

Enter…Ameer Abdullah.

With No. 19 Nebraska and McNeese State of the second-tier FCS tied Saturday, Abdullah turned a short pass from Tommy Armstrong Jr. into a jaw-dropping 58-yard touchdown with 20 seconds left for a 31-24 victory.

Abdullah broke five tackles on his way to the end zone on what may end up as the signature play of his career. As far as Abdullah was concerned, the game shouldn’t have come down to that against an opponent from a lower division.

“Very disappointed right now,” he said, “but you definitely get a little extra energy. I don’t know if it’s God pushing me a little bit more or something chemically that humans are made with that gives you a little more oomph to make the big play.”

—

AJ Green caught a 77-yard TD pass from Andy with under five minutes to play, and the Bengals hung on to beat the Ravens.

Andy was 25-38-301 yards, and Green had six catches for 131 of those.

—

Second play of the game, Demarco Murray takes the ball left on a stretch play.

Boom.&#160 Fumble, Whiners pick up and steam into the end zone.

That’s the kind of day it would be for the Dallas offense.&#160 A unit that didn’t get near&#160 enough work in the preseason, looked like it.

El Choko helped out immensely, throwing three picks.

See what happens when you hire a limp-wrist for your team, Owner Jethro?

At this rate, 0-16 isn’t out of the realm of possibility.&#160 They don’t have the easiest schedule this year, and they’re not gonna win any games playing like that.

Gotta love it.&#160

This week:&#160 6-0.&#160 Perfect Football Weekend&#153 achieved (2).&#160 Overall:&#160 12-0.

The PFW will return Friday, when we scream “Road Trip!!!!!”.

Denizens, we begin this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153…by giving one mammoth “ATTABOY!!!!!”&#160 to the Cincinnati Bengals.

The Cincinnati Bengals appeared to have moved on from former second-round defensive tackle Devon Still when they cut him this preseason. Still, 25, certainly has looked like a bust to this point in his career, and his preseason play was not an indication he had come around.

However, Sitll has had much better things on his mind than football. His 4-year-old daughter, Leah, was diagnosed with stage 4 pediatric cancer back in June.

So when training camp came around, Still lost some desire to play. The Bengals had no choice but to cut him.

I can understand this.&#160 If my son had an illness like that, fixing computers would take a backseat.

But I also see Cincy’s point of view on this.&#160 If you’re gonna play in the NFL, there’s a commitment level there that you must&#160 maintain.&#160 Any less, and you’re not only cheating the team & the ownership, you’re cheating the fans who come to see you.

Cue the happy ending.

But there’s a silver lining to this story. The Bengals re-signed him to their practice squad, and the $6,300 weekly salary and medical insurance will go a long way to help Leah. Still is eminently grateful for the team’s gesture when he knows they simply could have made what NFL teams like to call “business decisions.”

“They could have washed their hands with me and said they didn’t care about what I was going through off the field,” Still said. “It’s like a blessing in disguise for me.”

As a member of the practice squad, Still will practice with the team but not travel. That means he has more time to spend by Leah’s side. Blessing in disguise indeed.

Prayers Leah’s way.

And because of this selfless act by the Bengals…not to mention the fact that they still have Andy Dalton…Cincinnati is being added to the PFW.

They are taking the place of the Dallas Cowgirlz…who (in case you didn’t see the news from the Vicar) signed Widdle Mikey “I Kissed A Man On National TV And I Liked It” Sam to the practice squad.

“It was a little longer than I expected,” said Sam, who is trying to become the first openly gay player to participate in an NFL regular-season game. “But you know what, I’m here now, and that’s all that matters.”

So that’s it.&#160 I’m done with Dallas – for good, this time.&#160 The Cowgirlz now become a PFW “Anti-Team” – meaning they’re now this scribe’s least-favorite team, more disliked than even the Warshington Foreskins or the San Transexual Fairy Whiners.

Which, speaking of them and getting on to the actual football around these parts, is coming to the Death Star Sunday to play the Cowgirls.&#160 We’ll make this a wildcard game and pick the Whiners to win.

Cincy, meanwhile, travels to Baltimore to take on Flacco & the Ravens.&#160 Balt’s defense isn’t what it used to be, not even with Elvis Dumberass Dumervil toiling for them, so I like the Bengals here.

Friday, Phil Young & my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are in Princeton, TX, to take on the Panthers in their season opener.&#160 Princeton isn’t bad, and I expect Heights to have its hands full.

TCU is off this week, so for wildcard games we’ll go with Florida Atlantic visiting #2 Alabama, McNeese State headed to Lincoln to get squashed by #19 Nebraska, and #20 Kansas State to go up to Ames to smack around Iowa State.&#160 (This is gonna be a long year for the Cyclones – if they can’t beat Division II N. Dakota State at home, who are&#160 they gonna beat this year? (And no, smart asses – it ain’t gonna be TCU, so don’t even&#160 go there.))

We’ll come back Monday or so with the recap.&#160 In the meantime, my Vicar is cordially invited to write anything about any Mississippi team he chooses…

A portent of things to come, most likely.

Arlington Heights 29, at Brewer 14

at TCU 48, Samford 14

at #22 Nebraska 55, Florida Atlantic 7

at #2 Alabama 33, W. Virginia 23

at #12 Georgia 45, #16 Clemson 21

at #18 Ole Miss 35, Boise St. 13

at Dallas 3, Denver 27

I have to admit – this was a major (albeit pleasant) surprise.

Fort Worth Arlington Heights rode quarterback Deion Hair’Griffin’s three rushing touchdowns to a 29-6 victory Friday over White Settlement Brewer at Brewer Bears Stadium.

Hair’Griffin finished with 154 yards overall, with 95 coming through the air and another 59 on the ground. Hair’Griffin finished 8 for 18 through the air.

—

Someone changed the offense in Nebraska while I wasn’t looking.

That, plus the fact that it’s no longer Taylor Martinez fucking up the offense, plus the fact that they were playing Florida Atlantic, might have had something to do with it.

Ameer Abdullah and Tommy Armstrong Jr. had career games and Nebraska had its most productive offensive day in almost a quarter century.

Maybe there is something to this “Red Storm” nickname that the Cornhuskers’ offensive players came up with. Florida Atlantic was in the path Saturday, and the Huskers rolled to a 55-7 victory.

Abdullah, the nation’s top returning rusher, ran for a career-high 232 yards and a touchdown before leaving in the middle of the third quarter. Tommy Armstrong Jr. passed for a career-high 271 yards and two TDs before sitting down late in the third.

The Cornhuskers rushed for 498 of their 784 total yards and won their 29th straight opener, the longest streak in the nation. Nebraska’s offensive total was the fifth highest in program history and most since the Huskers gained 787 against Utah State in 1991.

“I know what this offense has the potential to do, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves now,” Nebraska coach Bo Pelini said. “Our captains said we didn’t come into this season to beat Florida Atlantic. So we won a game we should have won. I do like the fashion we won it.”

So do I, Bo.&#160 So do I.

—

This game was a nail-biter for a while.&#160 Bama would score; the Mountaineers would come right back.&#160 In fact, except for the last play of the first half (a Bama field goal), plus the third quarter, the teams played even-up.

Yeldon (126 yards rushing and two touchdowns), Henry (113 yards rushing and a score) and Cooper (12 catches for 130 yards) provided ample support. And Alabama needed all the offense it could get because West Virginia found plenty of soft spots in the Tide’s D.

The Mountaineers’ up-tempo spread gave Clint Trickett his pick of open receivers, and he took advantage with 365 yards passing.

But West Virginia didn’t take full advantage, dropping more than a half-dozen catchable passes, including one off the hands of Elijah Wellman near the goal line that would have been a sure TD early in the fourth quarter.

“Yeah, it’s frustrating,” West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen said of the final result. “You play against a really good team and you’re in position in the fourth quarter to be able to win the game. I mean you don’t have those opportunities very often.”

—

Hmmm.&#160 They’re not quite the same without Chrissi “Trick Play” Peterson…are they?

For much of the night, it was tough to watch. Mississippi hardly looked like the 18th-ranked team in the country. Boise State in no way resembled the program that used to beat the big boys with such regularity.

The Rebels finally came around in the fourth quarter, pulling away to beat Boise State 35-13 in a sloppy season opener Thursday.

Shaking off three first-half interceptions, Bo Wallace threw for 387 yards and four touchdowns — three of the scores coming on consecutive throws in the fourth quarter.

—

Trevone Boykin is still the starting quarterback at TCU.&#160 This is not a good thing.

But at least for one night, it was enough.

Trevone Boykin passed for two touchdowns and ran for a third, leading TCU to a 48-14 victory over FCS Samford in the season opener for both teams on Saturday.

Boykin completed 29 of 41 passes for 320 yards. His touchdown passes covered 38 yards to Kolby Listenbee and 19 yards to David Porter. Boykin’s scoring run came from 1 yard.

Samford scored on a 2-yard touchdown run by Denzel Williams late in first half and a 55-yard interception return by Jamerson Blount with five minutes to play.

TCU piled up 555 total yards, including 200 by eight different rushers, while holding Samford to 143.

—

Yeah, it was the last preseason game.&#160 But the Cowgirlz could&#160 at least have tried a a little harder.

No one of any note played, and Denver’s scrubs were clearly better than Dallas’ scrubs.&#160 Which should tell you all you need to know about Owner Jethro’s talent evaluation.

The problem is…how do we know this isn’t a harbinger of things to come?&#160 It’s not out of the realm of possibility that this motley crew goes 0-16.&#160 I mean, their defensive coordinator (Rod Marinelli) is&#160 the only head coach to have accomplished that dubious feat, pulling an oh-fer with the Detroit Pussies a couple years back, right?

We’ll give them until 0-3, at which point we’ll switch our allegiances to whomever is playing them.&#160 I’m not&#160 gonna have them spoiling my PFWs every week.

This week:&#160 6-0 (the Dallas loss is preseason, and doesn’t count).&#160 Perfect Football Weekend&#153 achieved (1).&#160 Overall:&#160 6-0.

The PFW will return Friday, at which time I will laugh at the heterophobes for their foolishness.&#160 (You do&#160 know where this is going, right?)

All hands on deck.

MERLIN:&#160 Ready, m’liege.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Engineering reports full power to engines, Admiral.

KORRIOTH:&#160 We’re not going anywhere, Ozy.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 The Admiral demands operational readiness at all times, General.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Point.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Tactical ready, m’lord.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Southern Command ready as requested, y’old geezer.

THE GENERALETTE (smacking Rayegun, Gibbs-style):&#160 You be nice.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Yes, dear.

T-BONE McMANX:&#160 Communications ready, sir.

THE SPATULAGODDESS:&#160 Didn’t we do something like this a couple of years ago, hon?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 HON?!?!?!&#160 (waves iron skillet around menacingly)

VENOMOUS:&#160 Put a cork in it, babe.&#160 She’s entitled.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 And why am I not the SpatulaGoddess?!?!?!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Because you’re Mrs. Venomous, and you don’t look like Eva Longoria.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 GRRRRRRRR!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Shut it, woman.&#160 I have a post to write.

MRS. VENOMOUS (dejected, with cast-iron skillet):&#160 Yes, honey.

VENOMOUS:&#160 I’ll make it up to you, sweetheart…say, with Rafain’s?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet & ears perked up):&#160 Ooooooh!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Okay, where were we…?

MERLIN:&#160 Didn’t we do something like this before…?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Oh, well – yeah, Beff, we did – but without showing who really wears the pants at the Southern Command.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Hey!!!

ALL (even Rayegun, albeit grudgingly):&#160

Right, then.

The first official Perfect Football Weekend…in what is, very likely, the last season of PFWs…kicks off…

ALL:&#160 COOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-NNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!1!!!ONE!!!1!!!!ELEVENTYTRILLIONBILLIONMILLION!!!!1~

…y’know, I am&#160 gonna kinda miss doing that.

[The entire cast & crew engages in a 20-second group hug.&#160 Venomous breaks the silence.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Awright, guys, we still have a blog to run for now.

…with a story from a couple weeks back about how Cleveland Browns rookie&#160 head coach Mike Pettine has selected veteran Brian Hoyer to start at quarterback, rather than Johnny Football.

Brian Hoyer was named the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns for the regular-season opener Sept. 7 at Pittsburgh.

[…]

“Like I said all along, it’s been my mentality this whole offseason, training camp to come out here and act like the starter and be the starter,” Hoyer said Wednesday. “So now that it’s official we can just move on and get ready for St. Louis.”

While Hoyer has only four career starts — and went 3-0 with the Browns before tearing his anterior cruciate ligament in 2013 — his biggest advantages were experience and leadership.

“He was the clear leader from the beginning,” Pettine said. “We’ve maintained all along that if it was close, I would prefer to go with the more experienced player. Brian has done a great job in the meeting rooms and with his teammates on the practice field and in the locker room.”

What he’s not&#160 telling you, of course, is that Manziel thoroughly outplayed Hoyer in the preseason.

Even Yahoo!, in the article, tries to blow smoke up one’s ass in stating:

Manziel, drafted 22nd overall in May, played only two seasons at Texas A&M in an offense designed to win at that level. The Browns want him to get more time in an NFL offense before asking him to beat NFL defenses. Manziel was not great statistically in two games.

Except what they’re&#160 not telling you is that, as badly as Manziel may have played…Hoyer played worse.

Fact is, neither one looked all that great.&#160 But Manziel outplayed the “crafty ‘veteran'” (four games experience…yeah, right)…and besides, he’s the 1st rounder, and the future.&#160 Hoyer isn’t.

And if you’re drafting a quarterback in the first round…that almost invariably means you suck, and you’re not going anywhere in the next year or three.&#160 So why not get Johnny Football the experience he needs now?&#160 I mean, it’s not like Cleveland’s going anywhere anytime soon, y’know?

He also showed immaturity Monday night, Pettine said, when he raised his middle finger to the Redskins’ bench in response to heckling from the sideline.

I’d start Manziel for that alone.

But that’s me.

On to the football.&#160 Phil Young and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets have their annual “Week 0” clunker (now that they’re no longer playing Azle) Friday evening against the (White Settlement, TX) Brewer Bears.

Brewer almost qualifies as one of my anti-teams (a la SMUT and Ar-Kansas) because my first-ever fiancée (no, not the First Wife&#153) came from Dear Old Brewer High (which brings back memories of Weatherford High kicking Brewer’s asses all over the field right after the fiancée screwed me over, and me screaming my fool head off for Weatherford…but that’s another post), so I’ve kinda had it in for the Bears ever since.

Bears’ll probably win, though, so it’s likely another 5-5 year for AHHS.

Saturday, Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs – who may actually read This Fine Blog&#153, because they’ve finally taken my advice – begin their season at home against Samford University.

Samford is interesting because their head coach is former TCU coach Pat Sullivan, who guided the Froggies to their last Southwest Conference championship (albeit a three-way tie for the aforementioned, it was a championship).&#160 Sullivan will not attend the game due to medical reasons.

It won’t matter, because Sullivan or no Sullivan, this game’s gonna be a major squash – with any luck, so much so that we’ll see TCU back in the top 25 next week.

Tonight, the Allas Cowboys (still no D) have their last preseason game at home against King Peyton Manning (as opposed to his sister brother, Queen Elisha) and the Denver Broncos.

It’ll be a chance for the Cowgirl faithful to let Owner Jethro have it one more time for letting Demarcus Ware walk.&#160 And I desperately hope they give it to him every time Ware’s visage gets pasted upon that Jumbotron.

The wildcard games for this weekend will be: Florida Atlantic at #22 Nebraska (don’t ask me why, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for Bo Pelini, even though he’s a lousy head coach), West Virginia against #2 Alabama (it’ll be interesting to see how badly Nick Saban takes his frustrations from last year out on the Mountaineers), and #16 Clemson going to the Dawg Pound vs. #12 Georgia.&#160 These games will be on Saturday.

Additionally, tonight we’ll have Smurf Turf F-Head State minus Chrissi “Trick Play” Peterson going down to Oxford, MS to take on #18 Ole Miss.

(Incidentally, in case you missed it, all my picks in the wildcard games are in boldface.)

We’re back Sunday or Monday with something resembling a recap.&#160 In the meantime…my message to Humble DevilDog is: Yeah, I’m calling them TCU again.&#160 Don’t like it?&#160 Get your ass back here & start commenting again, Marine!

And once again…the “dress rehearsal” turns out to be a clunker.

Dallas 20, at Miami 25

Cincinnati 19, at Arizona 13

at San Transexual 19, San Diego 13

Dalton 13-21-157 as the Bengals racked up 337 total yards in beating the Cardinals.

—

Following an early-morning earthquake near the Napa Valley, the Fairy Whiners win their first game at their new stadium as San Diego continues to have reality pounded into their heads that maybe, just maybe, they’re not quite as good as they thought they were when they beat the Cowgirlz.

—

Speaking of whom…this motley crew isn’t ready for the season.

If it wasn’t one thing for the offense, it was another.&#160 Penalty-free play? Someone probably got in El Choko’s face.&#160 Clean jersey for Romo?&#160 Someone probably held.

The defense didn’t play much better…but then again, we’re at least expecting&#160 that this year.

Better get used to it.&#160 Gonna be like this all year long.

The PFW returns Thursday, when things start up for real.&#160 (All hands on deck for the annual “Corny” call!)

Denizens, for this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend, we’ll point out that, while Widdle Mikey Sam may be the first limp-wristed douchebag to kiss his fellow butt-buddy on ESPN for all the fucking world to see – he is not&#160 the first faggot in the NFL.

One of those who preceded him, in fact, just shook down the Minne-haha ViQueens for a wad of dough.

Calling his settlement with the Minnesota Vikings an opportunity “to do a lot of good for a lot of people,” Chris Kluwe announced his fight with the team is over.

The Vikings and Kluwe’s attorney Clayton Halunen announced Tuesday morning that they had reached a settlement to resolve the former punter’s allegations of homophobic behavior by the team. It put the issue to rest 7½ months after Kluwe first published his allegations and avoids the prospect of a lengthy legal battle.

The Vikings had initially announced a $100,000 contribution to charities that support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender causes, and they will make additional contributions to five LGBT-friendly charities over the next five years. The team will also enhance sensitivity training that is already required throughout the organization.

The parties did not announce the financial terms of the settlement, but Kluwe said he will not receive any money.

Raise your hand if you believe that.

(crickets)

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

The turd claims he was discriminated against & cut because he’s a faggot.&#160 I tend to think it’s because he’s a shitty football player.

But that’s just me.

Tonight, we’ve got the Cowgirlz in the South Beach swamp to play the Dolphins.&#160 If they continue to improve as they did last week, I expect a victory tonight.&#160 Particularly since the Fins still aren’t all that good.&#160 But we’ll see.

I may also have an opinion on some other matchups this weekend, such as Panther-Patriot, Jet-Douchebag and/or REDSKIN!!!!!!-Raven.

That recap will be either Monday or Tuesday.&#160 See you then.

Not quite as easy&#160 as you first thought, is&#160 it, San Diego?

at Dallas 30, Baltimore 37

at Seattle 41, San Diego 14

at The Washington REDSKINS, YOU PROFESSIONALLY OFFENDED BASTARDS 24, Cleveland 23

The Chargers were crowing about their offense after cutting through Dallas’ reserves like the proverbial hot knife through butter.

Then that hot knife ran into a stone.

—

This game could have gone into ovetime (and would have, had new Cleveland coach Mike Pettine been a little more conventional about things), but a pass on a two-point conversion to win the game on the last play went high.

Pettine still hasn’t named his Game 1 starter.&#160 Maybe he’s waiting for Brian Hoyer to flip some team off before he does.&#160

—

This Cowboy offense could be something special.

(Yeah, yeah, I know – it’ll have to be, ’cause there’s no D in Allas.&#160 Got it.)

The line can block, the backs can run…and when El Choko isn’t putting the ball on the ground, he’s got receivers that can catch the thing, too.

As to the mistakes…yes, it could be argued that, minus the fumbled exchange to Murray (returned for a touchdown) and the crappy special teams play (over 200 yards for the game), the C’boys offense outscore the Ravens offense.

Then again, when you have a 14-7 lead even before your offense has taken the field, how hard do you really have to try, hm?

The PFW will return Saturday, when I talk about something – what I don’t know.

Denizens, this’ll be a quickie Perfect Football Weekend&#153, because Saturday chores overwhelmed us to the point that we ran out of time, but I do have a bone to pick with the NFL.

In the preseason, the NFL home office always issues what are called “points of emphasis” when it comes to new rules – or, in this case, a crackdown renewed emphasis on old rules.&#160 This year, it’s the “defensive holding” and “illegal contact” penalties that we’re always screaming about not being called.

Except now they are.&#160 Every play.&#160 Every.&#160 Damned.&#160 Play.

And it’s slowing the game down to being almost even more unwatchable than all y’all are screaming that it is now.

Sigh.

Awright, let’s get on with it.&#160 We’ve already had a couple o’ games already, which I’ll touch on in the recap on Monday.&#160 I’m writing this as Baltimore’s starters are torching Dallas’ backups (it’s 24-10 now).&#160 Yeah, Little Juanita Harbaugh.&#160 Real ballsy of ya.

It is any wonder that the Harbaughs are considered (in these quarters, anyway) as the pussies of the NFL?

We’re back on Monday (I hope) with something resembling a recap.

As his Rudeness kicks off another PFW season, I find myself thinking football whether I want to or not.

Last week I had the pleasure of attending a conference in Seward Nebraska which was attended by Lutherans from all over the Country. Among those attendees was a young lady from Green Bay; when I asked her about season tickets, it seems that her family has been on the waiting list for years, and is still years away from the top. According to her, and others, Green bay Season ticket holders put their tickets in their wills.

One just has to admire that level of loyalty.

Now if we could just engender that sort of loyalty to the Church.

Denizens we’re gonna get the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 machine started up with a Pro Football Hall of Fame&#153 induction that makes the bastards at Nobel look positively legit.

The excuse-for-an-inductee:&#160 Widdle Mikey Gaptooth

Strahan’s pro career got off at a turtle’s pace, as well. A foot injury limited his rookie campaign of 1993 to just nine games. Despite starting 15 games in ’94, Strahan posted a mere 4.5 sacks. The next year, New York’s defense was supposed to be a top-notch unit … until Dallas stormed Giants Stadium on the season’s first Monday night and rocked Big Blue 35-0 in front of a national television audience. Throughout that season and the next, though, Strahan began to hold his own, but still only produced a grand total of 12.5 sacks — not even close to Hall of Fame production for an edge player. Strahan showed potential in these early years, but he was still learning the game and definitely took his share of lumps.

Then in 1997, a light bulb seemed to come on under new defensive coordinator John Fox. Strahan got to the quarterback 14 times and earned first-team All-Pro honors. Meanwhile, Big Blue rode its defense to a playoff berth. The guy who barely knew the sport had developed into a dominant force. Over the next 10 years, Strahan racked up 109.5 sacks, including an NFL-record 22.5 in 2001 — a feat which earned him that season’s Defensive Player of the Year award. And of course, he rounded out his career by winning a ring in his final game.

That “NFL record” sack he got?&#160 Brett “Hey, Jen, lookit my wang!” Favre laying down for the bastard.

Here…have a look:

Boy howdy, he sure’s hell “earned” that one, didn’t he?

Add to that the fact that shitty officiating gave the NY Football Douchebags both&#160 of their recent Super Bowl wins – yeah, I said both&#160 of ’em, you East Coast fuckheads – and there’s absolutely no fucking doubt that this is the least deserving HOF inductee ever.&#160 (Well, at least until Donna McCrabby & his soup-hawkin’ mommykins get their ugly asses in.)

Let’s get to the football.&#160 Right now, we have the annual Harbaugh Bowl&#153, with Baltimore’s John taking on San Transexual’s Jim in preseason f’ball (Balt’s up 10-3, and just intercepted the Whiners’ eighth-string QB at their 25).&#160 On the toob this weekend will be games like Saints-Rams & Browns-Lions.&#160 Yawners, except we should get to see the NFL debut of Johnny Football, so there’s that.

Tonight, it’ll be the C’girlz vs. the SanDiego…SuperCharrrrrgerssssss!!!! (a little Chris Berman lingo, there).&#160 Romo’s not playing, so the ‘Girlz might actually win.

Oh, but Phillip Rivers will probably play a series & throw a touchdown. Never mind.

We’re back Monday or so with something resembling a recap.

Denizens, the “decision” to which I had referred back in April (yeah, yeah, I know…some “next few days”, eh, Venomous?) was going to be to close This Fine Blog&#153.&#160 I have neither the time, nor inclination anymore, to write.

I have a new house.&#160 The workload at my job is ponderous.&#160 Ponderous, man, fuckin’ ponderous! (a little Casey Kasem lingo, there)&#160 And not to put too fine a point on it…certain in the Blogosphere have proven to me that it’s not worth putting up with it.

But, having said all that…I still have one last Perfect Football Weekend&#153 season left in me.

Those of you who’ve read me for any length of time know that about this time every year, I start jonesing for football (not to be confused with Jerry Jonesing for football, which means making stupid-assed decisions year after year, thinking having a Victoria’s Secret© at AT&T Stadium is more important than having a winning football team on that house’s field, that sort of thing), which means everything & everyone else take back seats.

So here we are.&#160 Once more through the breech, dear friends.

Same rules as always: I follow my teams here, you follow your teams in comments.&#160 I don’t give two flying fucks at rolling donut holes how your teams do – just how mine do.&#160 And the football weekend isn’t Perfect unless all my teams win.&#160 (Unless I declare Executive Fiat&#153, which will always come with an explanation.)

Here are the teams I’m following:

1.&#160 High school:&#160 The (Fort Worth) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets.&#160 Year Two for Phil Young and the Jackets, and the good news this year is that Aledo (a 7-84 loss last year) is not on the schedule.&#160 Thus, a 5-5 playoff team from last year looks to have a better season.&#160 They start with White Settlement Brewer (wait, not Azle? not Birdville?) in four weeks.

2.&#160 College:&#160 The Texas Christian University Horned Frogs.&#160 Year Three in the Big 12 11 10 However Many There Are for Gary Patterson and the Tadpoles.&#160 GP still has the delustional idea that Trevone Boykin is a quarterback, so look for another 4-8 year or so. But he has a couple of new offensive co-coordinators, and he still has a decent enough defense, so we’ll see what happens.&#160 Now to see which teams are crappy enough to lose to them…

3.&#160 Pro:&#160 The Dallas Cowboys.&#160 Another year, another Sean Lee season-ending injury – this time before training camp even starts.&#160 His knee, of course.&#160 Thus, a defense that was already suspect is probably going to be just as bad this year.

One more new piece for the offensive line, plus a new play caller (Scott Linehan), and they’ll have to keep the Cowgirls in games again.

Look for 6-10, and Jason “Red-Headed Jebus” Garrett’s exit from the franchise shortly thereafter.

—

In addition, this year we’ll play things a little differently.&#160 I’ll pick one or two games at random that interest me – some from past PFW teams, some from teams that have never shown up here before.&#160 (Look for Turner Gill’s Liberty University team a lot here.&#160 And anytime I sense that one of my least favorite teams is going to get their heads kicked in – you know, SMU, Arkansas, Boise State, that sort – it’ll show up in the list.)

—

Now, I was hoping to at least have a blurb about the Hall of Fame Game&#153 in Canton prior to publication, but that home thing reared its ugly head again.&#160 So I’ll just mention that the NY Football Douchebags beat Buffalo last night – seriously, who doesn’t&#160 beat Buffalo? – and leave it at that.

We’ll return Thursday with the first installment of the season, when I rip the Hall of Fame committee (or whomever picks these guys) for one of their stupid-assed selections.