Posted by David Hartung @ 21:31
From: The Vicar
To: His Rudeness Darth Venmous
Re: Official Realm Bible Translation
It seems that my assessment that there would be no Klingon translation of Holy Scripture was in error. Please forgive me. Here is a link to just such a translation. Not being conversant in the Original languages or Klingon, I cannot comment on the accuracy or completeness of this translation.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 0:26
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 20:48
I try to do this every year, but more often than not there just isn’t time to give it justice. Which translates into a crappy post.
Oh, well – here goes…
2011 was the year of the Occutard. The Occupussy. The Occuchickenshit. The lazy-assed, shiftless, shitheaded assholes of douchebaggery who think they entitled to what we’ve worked so hard for, just because.
It started in September in New York City as “Occupy Wall Street” – and, when Michael Bloomberg, aka “Bloomberg the Ball-less” – being the pansy-ass he is – refused to kick them out, the
bowel movement spread to other cities (and countries) as well, including a tiny one here at Realm Headquarters.
Supposedly, according to Wiki (for all they themselves have zero credibility), the so-called “Occupiers” are
protes[ing]…against social and economic inequality, high unemployment, greed, as well as corruption, and the undue influence of corporations—particularly from the financial services sector—on government. The protesters’ slogan We are the 99% refers to the growing income and wealth inequality in the U.S. between the wealthiest 1% and the rest of the population.
It’s all bullshit, of course – basically, these pusstards want what you & I have, and they don’t want to have to work to get it. Their “solution” to this so-called “problem” is to take the 1-percent’s wealth and “redistribute it” (sound familiar?) to…them, of course.
Happily, though, some cities, such as Oakland, decided they’d had enough of the Occufools, and most of the encampments had been dismantled by December.
Posted by David Hartung @ 8:13
General Claus’ Visit
To: All Personnel
_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:
_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.
_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2011.
_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.
_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.
_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 2005, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.
_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”
_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2011, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.
_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.
__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
OIC, Special Services
Posted by David Hartung @ 20:45
To: His Nastiness Darth Venomous, Commander Pegasus(or whatever bucket of bolts he might have running)
From: The Vicar
Re: Unknown Lights
Your Nastiness, when embarking on your Christmas Cruise, beware of bright stars in the east! Starship collision with stars almost always ruins the cruise, and results in the vessel needing major space dock level maintenance!
Posted by David Hartung @ 20:19
Got this from an old Fido friend, Seanette Blaylock, who in turn go it from someone else!
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists: 1. Hunting season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music, John Wayne or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem to be over by Monday!
Posted by David Hartung @ 9:56
There are times when this mild mannered Vicar(soon to be Pastor) would like to put in a call for some of his nastiness’s imperial Storm Troopers. My grandson suffers from Asberger’s syndrome, and as a result does not always react the way everyone else does to things. He tends, even at the age of nine, to be very very literal. As a result, the school has long had instructions that they are not to paddle Zack. Tuesday, the principal not only paddled Zack, but made fun of him.
Daughter had a meeting today with the Principal and other school officials which was not totally satisfactory. In other words, the Principal’s hind quarters are covered, even though what she did was egregious, and in my opinion constitute assault.
This woman(she is no lady) really needs to find new employment.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 17:32
For your weekend merriment, this came from LC ORWN, engine builder for Rottie Racing (link):
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach in his Popemobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore
A helpless man wearing a New York Yankees jersey was struggling frantically to escape the jaws of a 25 ft shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with 3 men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side. The other 2 reached out and pulled the bleeding , semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water and using autographed Manny Ramirez baseball bats, the three Beantown heroes beat the shark to death and dragged it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned the men to the beach, ” I give you my blessing for your brave actions” he told them. ” I had heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox fans and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth”
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, ” who was that? ”
“It was the Pope” one replied, ” he is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom”
”Well,” the harpooner said, ”he may have access to all of God’s wisdom, but he sure doesn’t know anything about shark fishing..How’s the bait holding up?”
Posted by Supreme General Rayegun @ 16:27
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 0:05
(Hat tip Professor Jacobson.)
Denizens, remember when the Ayatollah Bambi and his trained little
monkeys minions decided that, despite Bambicare being held to be unconstitutional by Judge Vinson, they went ahead and continued with plans to implement it anyway?
Oh, how the libtards crowed about that.
Not so much now – for the Demoscum’s own ox has now been gored. By the Wisconsin Legislative Reference Bureau.
In a stunning twist, Gov. Scott Walker’s legislation limiting collective bargaining for public workers was published Friday despite a judge’s hold on the measure, prompting a dispute over whether it takes effect Saturday.
The measure was published to the Legislature’s website with a footnote that acknowledges the restraining order by a Dane County judge. But the posting says state law “requires the Legislative Reference Bureau to publish every act within 10 working days after its date of enactment.”
Dee. Lish. Ous.
“Instant Karma’s gonna get you…Gonna knock ya right on yer ass…”
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 1:31
[SCENE: On the bridge of ISS Titanic. The ship has just returned to Realm spacedock after a successful month-long shakedown cruise to test the new warp core. Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool is beaming with pride at the rave review being given to him by Admiral Darth Venomous.]
VENOMOUS: …we even got to test the upgraded particle disruptors, and for once, we made it through a successful mission without something or other blowing up. I think you’ve earned that promotion back to Lieutenant Commander, Ozy, and it pleases me to so bestow you now…
OZY MCCOOL: Thank you, Admiral.
VENOMOUS: …and Wizard, if you want to embark on that vacation I’ve been promising you, I’ve taken the liberty of making a reservation for you on Risa.
MERLIN: Thank you, m’liege. At my age, it is sorely needed. No pun intended, of course.
VENOMOUS: Just one condition, my friend: Under no circumstance are you to bring me a horga’hn – Mrs. Venomous would have what’s left of my skillet-battered head.
[The laughter is rudely interrupted by a massive rocking of Titanic and a simultaneous power failure. The senior staff, including Venomous, are thrown about the bridge. The automatic red-alert klaxons begin blaring.]
VENOMOUS (shouting at the nearest intercom): Bridge to Engineering, report!!!
OFFSTAGE VOICE (over speaker): 1100 1001 1111 0000 1ac420dfee 1010 0101 ac2df19e…
[Even Venomous raises an eyebrow at that. He's never heard a Bynar use hexidecimal before.]
VENOMOUS: Ozy, what the hell was he saying?!?!
[Ozy's face is as white as a sheet.]
OZY MCCOOL: There’s been an explosion in Engineering and they’re losing containment! He’s estimating 10 minutes to a warp core breach!!!
VENOMOUS: Oh, shit, not again. Awright, guys, secure all stations and let’s get out of here! T-Bone, get on it.
T-BONE MCMANX: Aye, sir! [He touches some controls and leans toward the pickup.] All hands abandon ship! Repeat, all hands abandon ship. This is not a drill. I repeat, all hands abandon ship…
VENOMOUS (muttering to himself): Just once could I get some writers whose effing solution to everything wasn’t to blow up the damned ship…?!??!?!?!?!
Working through some issues here, Denizens. Will try to post as time allows. (It’s nothing serious, no worries – just a bleeping annoyance.)
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 23:12
Every once in a while, I’ll just happen to run into a hard copy of the Dullest Moaning Snooze – as long as I don’t have to pay for it, I don’t mind reading it, thus I’m living up to my boycott thereof – and I happened to come across this screed from the biggest shit-for-brains I’ve seen in a long while.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 6:56
Fox & Friends was going on & on about how the potential nuclear disaster in Japan supposedly “raises questions” about nuclear power here in the U.S.
Seems simple to me.
Don’t build nuke plants on or near known quake faults. Problem solved.
What would the world do without My Eternal Wisdom (*cough*)
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 20:37
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 8:28
(Hat tip: Professor Jacobson.)
Concerning end-times prophecies, Denizens, I must admit I’ve never really been all that clear whether Russia was Gog or Magog (though I suspect the Vicar could enlighten me).
That said, it seems pretty clear that either Gog or Magog just went to the dentist to have its dentures installed.
The graying bear is getting a make-over. Russia’s military is launching its biggest rearmament effort since Soviet times, including a $650 billion program to procure 1,000 new helicopters, 600 combat planes, 100 warships, and 8 nuclear-powered ballistic missile submarines.
Analysts say Russia, while already the world’s fifth-largest military spender, needs strong conventional forces to reduce its overreliance on its aging Soviet-era nuclear missile deterrent. Valentin Rudenko, director of the independent Interfax-Military News Agency, says it could create “a whole new ballgame.”
“For about two decades we’ve had no real modernization, at least not like what’s being proposed now,” he says. “Russia will finally have a modern, top-level armed forces that are capable of protecting the country.”
Add that to all the turmoil in the Middle East, and it’s “look out, Israel”.
Watch & pray, Denizens. Watch & pray.