Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

[SCENE:&#160 Realm&#153 command.&#160 Delta Shift is positively bored, and technicians Holland and Craft are so bored, they’re playing two-dimensional chess.]

HOLLAND:&#160 So d’ya think we’ll ever get out of Rayegun’s doghouse?

CRAFT:&#160 Not unless His Rudeness or Cap’n Korrioth give the word.&#160 And given that they’re in the Umagakhali Nebula at the moment, we’re prob’ly stuck here a while…

[Pan past Craft’s shoulder to a monitor showing nothing but deep space…until…

Cut to a direct view of that section of space.&#160 Suddenly, we hear & see a brilliant flash of bright light and an incredibly loud explosion (we’ll pretend, for the moment, that sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum – it worked well enough in ST VI, didn’t it?), and waves of purple, green & white energy bands travel at speed towards Command.

Holland & Craft, of course, took no notice.&#160 Yet.]

HOLLAND:&#160 Well, if you ever get into the Romulan ale like that again, at least save some for me, hm? If I’m going to be on a shit list like this, I’d prefer to have ear—

[It’s about this time that both Holland & Craft notice the chess piece start to bounce around, accompanied by…]

CRAFT:&#160 An earthquake?&#160 On a space station?!

HOLLAND:&#160 What in the…

[And in glancing around, Holland finally&#160 notices what’s coming.]

HOLLAND:&#160 Holy shit…!!!!!!!

CRAFT:&#160 Shields!!!&#160 SHIELDS, DAMMIT!!!!!

[Too late.

As Craft dives for the control board, the station is violently rocked by the first wave.&#160 A panel that was&#160 threatening to nail Craft in the solar plexus now rises up and catches him flush on the chin, knocking him unconscious.&#160 Holland, being bounced off the walls like a ping-pong ball, is of no help.

Cut to various shots of Realm&#153 crewmembers being similarly tossed about bulkheads & decks.

The second wave fortunately knocks Holland towards the controls for the shields.&#160 Using Craft to break his fall (ouch), Holland managed to hit the switch…not that he was aiming for it.

With something resembling shields now online, Holland starts punching buttons in an attempt to stabilize the wildly tumbling station.&#160 With some effort – not to mention continuing protests from the inertial dampening systems – he manages to get Command down to a slow rotation, not unlike the restaurant at the top of Reunion Tower.&#160 That accomplished, the third wave resembles but a mild tremor, easily absorbed.

Stopping to catch his breath – and not really noticing that he’s still on top of Craft – Holland notices the comm board flashing with an outside hail.&#160 He makes his way over and slaps a channel open.]

HOLLAND:&#160 Realm&#153 Fleet headquarters, Holland.

LT. TURNER:&#160 Mr. Holland, this is the Southern Command, Lt. Turner speaking.&#160 Our instruments have registered a massive explosion in the vicinity of the Umagakhali Nebula.&#160 Do you concur?

[Holland looks around a bridge where nothing not nailed down is not where it was – and even some things that were&#160 have been dislodged.]

HOLLAND:&#160 Uh, you might say that, yes, sir.&#160 What do your sensors show down there?

LT. TURNER:&#160 Our instruments registered a 300-million megaton explosion approximately four minutes ago.

[Holland blanches.&#160 And even over subspace, the lieutenant catches it.]

LT. TURNER:&#160 Mr. Holland?&#160 What’s the problem up there???

HOLLAND:&#160 Lieutenant…is the General down there with you?

[A second voice crackles through the speakers.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 This is Rayegun, Ensign.&#160 Talk fast, son.

HOLLAND:&#160 (ulp) Uh, General…the new engines on Pegasus are rated at 300-million megatons.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Oh, shit.&#160 (more muted, as if over his shoulder)&#160 All hands, red alert!&#160 Turner, call rescue stations, now!&#160 Holland, son, find Mrs. Venomous and…

—

Down again, guys.&#160 Complete rebuild of the network in progress.

Vicar, General, you guys have it.

[SCENE:&#160 Deep space.&#160 We see the newly-minted ISS Pegasus&#160 floating out amongst the stars.&#160 The senior staff having transferred over, Poseidon&#160 and Apparition&#160 have warped back towards Realm&#153 territory.

Cut to Pegasus’&#160 bridge, where the staff is gathered around Admiral Darth Venomous in the command chair.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 So once they found out who I was, they actually offered to rebuild Pegasus&#160 for us…

KORRIOTH:&#160 “Us”, m’liege?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Well…they actually knew me from my association with you.&#160 You & Kha have quite the fan club over there, y’know.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Indeed.&#160 One wonders why we’re not the stars of this show, rather than you.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Because it’s my blog, bumpy.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 (grunt)

VENOMOUS:&#160 And with that, let’s get underway, shall we?&#160 Stations, please, and set course for the Badlands.

[All take their seats, and K’hadibak’h programs his course.&#160 He turns toward the admiral after a few moments.]

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Course laid in, Admiral.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Very well, Mr. K’hadibak’h.&#160 Warp four whenever you’re ready.

[Kha touches a couple of controls, then pushes the drive lever forward to engage the engines.&#160 The ship’s great engine rev up…

…then rev back down & quit as the lights go out on the bridge.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Soon as I find that damned ribbon again, some engineer is gonna lose his head.

—

No sooner do I pronouce my machine as fit, then it dies on me.

Then again, near as I can tell, it appears to have been of my own doing this time.&#160 Looks like I changed an access permission I wasn’t supposed to.

Oh, well.&#160 That’s how I learned Windoze; it’s how I’ll learn Linux.

I have already learned one thing, though: Whereas it takes about three to six hours to rebuild a Windoze box, it takes all friggin’ weekend to rebuild a Linux distro. (And fully half of that&#160 was spent coaxing the video driver to give me something slightly better than 640×480.)

Sigh.

[SCENE:&#160 Deep space.&#160 The Realm’s&#153 brand-new Federation-class cruiser prototype, ISS Poseidon, has been joined by Mrs. Venomous’ personal vessel, Apparition.&#160 Poseidon, having been faster and thus first able to track the Facebook Nexus that apparently captured Lord Darth Venomous, has spent the last six hours scanning the energy ribbon that seems to serve as the nexus’ gateway – without success.

On the bridge of Poseidon, Supreme General Rayegun is ship-to-ship with a highly-agitated Mrs. Venomous, and is desperately trying to calm her.]

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 For the last time, General – where?&#160 Is?&#160 My?&#160 Husband?

RAYEGUN:&#160 M’lady, please, we’re doing the best we can, we’re scanning every square inch of this region—

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, MAJOR!!!!&#160 GIVE ME MY HUSBAND BACK NOW!!!!!

[The “demotion” – inasmuch as Mrs. Venomous has control over that (she doesn’t) – has not escaped the General’s notice.&#160 (Besides, she still has the cast-iron skillet.)]

RAYEGUN:&#160 (ulp!)&#160 Mrs Venomous, please, I assure you—

[At that precise moment, Poseidon’s&#160 automatic defense systems snap on and alarms start to whoop.]

RAYEGUN (to K’hadibak’h):&#160 REPORT!!!

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Vortex opening in the center of the ribbon, General!&#160 Massive increase in energy output!

RAYEGUN:&#160 On screen!

[Cut to external view.&#160 There is a large energy discharge in the center of the ribbon, making it look very much like the boa that swallowed the elephant.&#160 Back on Poseidon’s&#160 bridge, pandemonium is reigning.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Large object emerging from the ribbon, General!&#160 Headed straight for us!!!

RAYEGUN:&#160 EVASIVE!!!

[Cut to external.&#160 As Poseidon&#160 struggles to get out of the way, a large metallic mass flies out of the ribbon at speed.

It is what appears to be a Klingon bird-of-prey – but this bird is at least four times larger than any BOP known to exist.&#160 On it appear to be twice as many phaser banks as on a normal BOP, and even the gun turrets are three times normal size.

Oh, and it’s not a standard BOP configuration, either.&#160 To the untrained eye, it would appear to be flying upside down.

The vessel narrowly misses Poseidon&#160 and comes around to parallel Apparition, about 50,000 kellicams off her port bow.&#160 On Poseidon, the General’s jaw is very nearly on the floor, and no one else on the bridge is saying much, either.

Finally, Rayegun finds his voice.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 Mr. Korrioth…ID that ship, please, mister.

[Korrioth, at the science station, hunches over to stare into his viewer.&#160 His face lightens by at least six shades as he reads the ID of what’s just emerged from the ribbon.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 No.

[Rayegun’s head whips around to face the XO.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 Report!

KORRIOTH:&#160 General, the vessel is registering as a Worf-class bird-of-prey:&#160 NCC-2840…

[Rayegun’s jaw finishes hitting the floor.&#160 Several members of the bridge crew blanch.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 …ISS Pegasus.

[At that moment, T-Bone McManx’s communications board beeps.&#160 McManx turns to the board and touches a couple of switches.]

T-BONE McMANX:&#160 General, the vessel is hailing us.

[Rayegun lets out the breath he’d been holding.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 Uh…on screen, Lieutenant.

[Cut to the viewscreen.&#160 Deep space is replaced by a familiar image, sitting in the center seat on the bridge of Pegasus.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Hi, guys.&#160 Miss me?

—

Well, I think I’ve finally gotten the Linux box configured just the way I want it.&#160 I’ve placed a Windoze virtual machine inside the Ubuntu distro to run Outlook (let’s face it, Evolution sucks), told the Mozilla security repository what to go do with itself and manually installed Firefox 3.6.27 as the distro’s browser.&#160 It hates the Flash plugin, necessitating the installation of the beta version and generally making YouTube look like shit – but, it works.

In addition, there’s one more very significant upgrade that I completed yesterday.&#160 And I’ll tell you more about that&#160 next week.

Stay tuned.

[SCENE:&#160 On the bridge of ISS Poseidon, the Realm’s new Federation-class prototype.&#160 Admiral Darth Venomous is still mired away in Facebook Hell&#153, and the bridge is empty, save for a couple of technicians named (ironically enough) Berkeley & Zhamno.

Zhamno is fiddling around with the Ops controls.&#160 Berkeley is egging him on.]

BERKELEY:&#160 Yeah, yeah!&#160 Do it!&#160 C’mon!

[Zhamno touches one last control.&#160 On the viewscreen, the picture changes.]

ZHAMNO:&#160 Schweet!

[At that moment, the turbolift doors fly open, revealing Supreme General Rayegun, who isn’t the happiest of campers right at that moment.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 What in the name of Fek’lhr&#160 are you two doing?!?!

BERKELEY, ZHAMNO:&#160 GENERAL, SIR!!!&#160 Uh…uh…(ulp!)

RAYEGUN:&#160 Never mind that.&#160 Quit playing with the effing tractor beam and prep this bridge!&#160 We launch in fifteen minutes!

BERKELEY:&#160 Uh…sir?

RAYEGUN:&#160 We’ve located the Admiral.&#160 We’re going to assist Mrs. Venomous in rescue operations.

ZHAMNO:&#160 But…but, sir…what about your ship?

RAYEGUN:&#160 The Generalette took it.&#160 Something called a “girls’ night out”.&#160 Don’t ask, just move!!!

BERKELEY, ZHAMNO:&#160 Yes, sir, aye aye, sir!!!&#160 {They scurry as Rayegun exits.]

—

Prayers & well wishes for the quake area.

[SCENE:&#160 Realm&#153 spacedock.&#160 In the abscence of Lord Darth Venomous (whom, you will recall, is currently languishing in Facebook Hell&#153), Supreme General Rayegun has arrived from the Southern Command&#153 to oversee things.&#160 His first order of business was to organize a search for the Admiral.

He is conferring now with Captain Korrioth, Realm&#153 shipmaster Commander K’tinghe and the rest of the senior staff.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 So where is this ribbon now?

KORRIOTH:&#160 Badlands, General.&#160 Specifically, Sector 11287, in the Hogan system.&#160 Estimated 3.1 days until it hits the Umagakhali Nebula.

RAYEGUN:&#160 And you still believe His Snarkiness is in there.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 His last known position, yes, General.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Very well. What do we have in the way of ships around here?

K’TINGHE:&#160 We’ve come up with this prototype—

RAYEGUN:&#160 You are not&#160 sending the prototype in there after my friend, Commander, is that clear???

K’TINGHE:&#160 Uh, not that&#160 prototype, General.

[K’tinghe moves to the wall display on the far wall and touches a control.&#160 A nasty, sleek-looking, dark-charcoal gray battlecruiser appears on the display.]

K’TINGHE:&#160 General, this is the fleet’s newest vessel – Pegasus II.&#160 We have built it with the strongest titanium alloy available, and coated it with a neutronium armor.&#160 It is currently rated to withstand 2.5 times the amount of gravometric turbulence that our previous ships could tolerate.&#160 It is ideal for going into areas that would tear apart other, lesser ships.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Such as the perimeter of this ribbon.

K’TINGHE:&#160 Aye, sir.&#160 But that’s not the best part.&#160 (K’tinghe touches another control.)&#160 Look what we’re powering it with.

[Rayegun’s mouth virtually hits the floor.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 I don’t believe it.&#160 He finally took my suggestion and put—

MERLIN:&#160 Well, it wasn’t exactly&#160 his idea.&#160 Amazing what you can accomplish when a technical Luddite isn’t around to put the kibosh on things.

ALL:&#160

RAYEGUN:&#160 Very well, then.&#160 Get this ship prepped and on its way.&#160 I can’t imagine we have all that&#160 much time.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Aye, General. (to K’tinghe) Move.

K’TINGHE (with a suddenly tight look on his face):&#160 Captain—

KORRIOTH:&#160 Is there a problem, Commander?

K’TINGHE(gulping almost audibly):&#160 No, m’lord.&#160 On my way.

[He turns to go, a sullen look on his face.&#160 Korrioth ponders this for a moment, then turns his attention away, filing the sequence for later.]

—

Changes are coming.

Not anything that’ll affect you guys, but they’ll be fun to talk about, once in place.&#160 (Well, they will be for the geeks among us, anyway.)

Watch this space.

[SCENE:&#160 Unknown.&#160 A black, empty, seemingly lifeless void in space.

Well, not completely&#160 lifeless.&#160 As we pan (not easy to do, as everything appears black), a prone, hooded figure appears, motionless, on the ground, as if in a spotlight.&#160 (No, we don’t know where the spotlight is coming from – let’s not go there, ‘k?)

After a couple of beats, the figure stirs, groaning in pain that seemingly racks its entire body.]

HOODED FIGURE:&#160 Unnnhhh…uhhhh…damn.&#160 I do&#160 hope someone got the license plate of that battlecruiser…ow.

[The hooded figure rises to a kneeling position, shakes its head a couple of time, then removes the hood to reveal Lord Darth Venomous, who was previously thought to have been killed in the destruction of the ISS Titanic.&#160 He looks left, then right, not seeing much.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Well, if this is my own personal Nexus, where the hell is Miss CJ Miles and the rest&#160 of my Asian hookers…?

(NOTE TO READERS:&#160 That’s a personal dig at Mrs. Venomous, FYI.&#160 Fortunately, she’s at home and I’m here in this…wherever it is…so she can’t kabong me.&#160 &#160 )

[Some sort of bright light flips on behind Lord Venomous.&#160 He whirls around to look, and blanches.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 What the…oh, shit.

[Not a drop of blood remains in His Rudeness’ face as he reads the sign.]

Facebook

Sign up

It’s free and always will be.

VENOMOUS (muttering bitterly):&#160 “Welcome to Hell.&#160 How do&#160 you like it?”

—

Yes, Denizens.&#160 After years of resisting temptation, I’m now officially on Facebook.&#160 Come find me & friend me.&#160 (Hint:&#160 There are apparently two (I knew&#160 I shoulda trademarked it); I will be the one of Palpatine shooting purple Force lightning.)

Or not, I don’t care.

Thanks for reading the Death of the ISS Titanic&#160 series.&#160 Will have another mini-vignette for you soon.&#160 And some&#160 Klingons & union-types had best&#160 watch their backs…&#160

[SCENE:&#160 the bridge of ISS Titanic.&#160 Lord Darth Venomous has guided the dying behemoth out of Realm&#153 spacedock and sent it warping toward Parts Unknown&#153.

Uh, m’liege – where are&#160 you taking her?]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Towards the sun, away from our civilization.&#160 Be rather rude of me to drop this fireball on a populated planet, now wouldn’t it?

[But, Admiral, how are you going to get off the ship with no shuttlepods?]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Not a problem.&#160 I just happen to have stashed the prototype along this course, just in case I needed it someday.&#160 (touches a control on a makeshift panel, aft) See?&#160 There it is now.

[As we cut to the viewscreen, there hangs in space the Prototype&#153 – in worse condition than the last time we saw her, if that’s possible.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Computer – time?

COMPUTER:&#160 One minute, seventeen seconds to warp-core breach.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Okay, excuse me, Narrator…let’s see, prefix code…bring systems back online…

[On the screen, the prototype visibly comes to life, as Titanic&#160 comes ever closer, nearing transporter range.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 …bring the transporter online…

COMPUTER:&#160 (BREEEEEEP!!!)&#160 Warning! Warp-core breach, thirty seconds.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Okay, okay!&#160 Now…wait.&#160 How did you know I was out of shuttlepods, Narrator?

[On the viewscreen, from the upper left comes a string of energy that looks eerily like the Nexus gateway we saw in ST:Generations – only this one looks darker and more forboding.

The ribbon gets to the prototype first, slicing through it and destroying it instantly.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Oh, shit.

[How’s it feel, knowing you’re not gonna get out of this one alive, you son-of-a-bitch?!]

VENOMOUS:&#160 WHAT THE FUCK…?!?!?!?!!!

[That’ll teach you to Force-choke Allan-a-dale, our union brother, you sanctimonious bastard!&#160 Suck it, wingnut!!!&#160 BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!!!]

[The poor, helpless right-wing prole looks into the camera as he finally realizes that no Force tricks, no lightsabers, no particle disruptors are gonna get him out of this one.]

COMPUTER:&#160 …zero.

[Cut to external view, as the energy ribbon, Titanic&#160 and her breaching warp core meet at precisely the same time.&#160 The explosion in space could almost be seen from Realm&#153 spacedock, so beautifully massive was it.]

NEXT:&#160 Welcome to Hell.&#160 How do&#160 you like it?!

[SCENE:&#160 Aboard the now-empty bridge of ISS Titanic.&#160 Admiral Darth Venomous has banished his crew to the friendly confines of Realm&#153 headquarters, and is now keying in some final adjustments to the course on which he will send ISS Titanic&#160 for its final voyage after the ship’s core containment system failed.

Captain Korrioth calls Titanic&#160 from spacedock control.&#160 Lord Venomous answers the hail.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Admiral, sensors indicate the rate of containment deterioration is increasing.&#160 We need to get you out of there soon.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Acknowledged, Captain.&#160 Just a couple of moments more, than I’ll kick this pig into gear and you can beam me out.&#160 Stand by.

[Venomous keys in half a dozen more commands, then hits a switch & engages the engines.&#160 Cut to exterior view of the massive dreadnought lumbering into motion out of spacedock.

Cut back to bridge view.&#160 Venomous hits ship-to-surface.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Awright, Mr. Korrioth, that should do it.&#160 One to beam ou—

[Sparks erupt from the console in front of the admiral.&#160 The ship bucks – once, twice, three times.

Cut to external view of Titanic, aft.&#160 Three photon torpedoes fly from their tubes towards spacedock control.&#160 Shifting views, we see that the photons meet no resistance as they hit their target – a bank of power generators.

In the control room, bodies have been thrown to the deck and chaos reigns.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 REPORT!!!

MERLIN:&#160 Main energizers out, Captain!&#160 We’re on batteries!

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Transporters gone, Captain!&#160 He knew exactly&#160 where to hit us!

T-BONE MCMANX:&#160 Communications board overloaded, sir!&#160 Everyone in the station calling, trying to find out what happened!

KORRIOTH:&#160 Tell them to take a good effing guess, Lieutenant, but clear that damned board!

T-BONE MCMANX:&#160 Aye, sir!

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Why, Captain?&#160 WHY?!?!

KORRIOTH:&#160 That’s not your concern at the moment, Lieutenant.&#160 Assist Mr. Merlin & Mr. McCool; help them get power back online. See if you can get anything resembling shields up.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Yes, m’lord!&#160 (scurrying off)

KORRIOTH (muttering):&#160 You’d better have a damned good excuse, you mangy p’tahk, or, Sith Lord or not, I’ll—

[The speakers pick that time to receive the first clear signal in what seems like hours.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 —tanic to spacedock, report!!!

KORRIOTH:&#160 What do you mean, report?!&#160 You should already know&#160 what you’ve done to us, you cowardly little needle—

VENOMOUS:&#160 I&#160 didn’t do anything, Captain!!!

KORRIOTH:&#160 I saw the photons come out the rear tubes myself!&#160 If you didn’t do it, who the fuck did?!?!?!

VENOMOUS:&#160 How the hell am I&#160 supposed to—

[Cut to Titanic’s&#160 bridge.&#160 At that moment, the main screen displays an image that changes everything.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Oh.&#160 Shit.

KORRIOTH:&#160 What???&#160 WHAT?!?!?!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Slight problem here, Kor.&#160 I’ll get back to you.&#160 [He closes the channel.]

[Cut to spacedock control.&#160 Korrioth is pounding the crap out of the speaker, trying to elicit a response.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Admiral!!!&#160 ADMIRAL!!!!&#160 Dammit!!!

[Cut to Titanic’s&#160 bridge.&#160 As Venomous surveys the damage to the conn, he is not a happy camper.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Great.&#160 Automation system’s gone…sluggish helm, at best…(checks a reading)…at least I have some warp drive left.&#160 (raising his voice) Computer…estimated time to core breach.

COMPUTER:&#160 Four minutes, forty-seven seconds.

VENOMOUS (muttering to himself):&#160 Guess I’d better hurry then, huh?

[Venomous quickly re-keys in his course, then hits the big red button. Cut to external view, as Titanic&#160 shoots into warp.]

To be continued…

[SCENE:&#160 On the bridge of the soon-to-be-defunct Titanic…]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Geeze Marie, Allan, d’ya have to give away the whole&#160 ending?

[And just how&#160 many of our ships have survived warp-core breaches?]

VENOMOUS:&#160 That’s not the point.&#160 I pay you to narrate the story, not write it.

[You don’t pay me enough is more like it.&#160 Union, baby!!!&#160 POWER TO THE PEOP…gakkkk…gakkkk…]

VENOMOUS (with hand outstretched):&#160 That will be quite enough, narrator.&#160 Understudy?

[The previous entity known as Allan-a-(union)Dale crumples to the floor, lifeless, extinguished by a Sith choke-out.

In the meantime, chaos reigns on the bridge of ISS Titanic&#160 as the skeleton crew on board move to evacuate.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 McCool, go see to your people!&#160 McManx, you’re with McCool!&#160 K’ha, internal scan for life signs to catch anyone we don’t know about!

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Aye, sir!

KORRIOTH (turning to Venomous):&#160 Admi…uh, Admiral, what are you doing?

[Venomous is at the helm, working controls.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Plotting a course to take this beast away from here, Captain.&#160 They don’t grow spacedocks on cosmic trees, and I don’t wanna have to rebuild this one.

KORRIOTH:&#160 M’lord, we need to get you off this ship!

VENOMOUS:&#160 No, Kor, we need to get you&#160 off this ship, whereupon you&#160 will get me&#160 outta here.&#160 Now go; you have work to do.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Admiral—

VENOMOUS:&#160 Captain, go.&#160 Get to the transporter and wait for my signal.

KORRIOTH:&#160 (sigh) Yes, m’lord. (takes a look)&#160 It doesn’t take that long to plot a course, does it?

VENOMOUS:&#160 This one does.&#160 Now go!

KORRIOTH:&#160 (rolling eyes) Aye, Admiral.&#160 [Korrioth takes the turbolift out.]

VENOMOUS (muttering to himself):&#160 Can I please&#160 get some writers that don’t force me to stay on the ship ’til the last effing minute…?!

To be continued…

[SCENE:&#160 On the bridge of ISS Titanic.&#160 The ship has just returned to Realm&#153 spacedock after a successful month-long shakedown cruise to test the new warp core.&#160 Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool is beaming with pride at the rave review being given to him by Admiral Darth Venomous.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 …we even got to test the upgraded particle disruptors, and for once, we made it through a successful mission without something or other blowing up.&#160 I think you’ve earned that promotion back to Lieutenant Commander, Ozy, and it pleases me to so bestow you now…

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Thank you, Admiral.

VENOMOUS:&#160 …and Wizard, if you want to embark on that vacation I’ve been promising you, I’ve taken the liberty of making a reservation for you on Risa.

MERLIN:&#160 Thank you, m’liege.&#160 At my age, it is sorely needed.&#160 No pun intended, of course.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Just one condition, my friend:&#160 Under no circumstance are you to bring me a horga’hn – Mrs. Venomous would have what’s left of my skillet-battered head.

ALL:&#160 BWAH-HAHAHAHA…!!!

[The laughter is rudely interrupted by a massive rocking of Titanic&#160 and a simultaneous power failure.&#160 The senior staff, including Venomous, are thrown about the bridge.&#160 The automatic red-alert klaxons begin blaring.]

VENOMOUS (shouting at the nearest intercom):&#160 Bridge to Engineering, report!!!

OFFSTAGE VOICE (over speaker):&#160 1100 1001 1111 0000 1ac420dfee 1010 0101 ac2df19e…

[Even Venomous raises an eyebrow at that.&#160 He’s never heard a Bynar use hexidecimal before.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Ozy, what the hell was he saying?!?!

[Ozy’s face is as white as a sheet.]

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 There’s been an explosion in Engineering and they’re losing containment!&#160 He’s estimating 10 minutes to a warp core breach!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Oh, shit, not again.&#160 Awright, guys, secure all stations and let’s get out of here!&#160 T-Bone, get on it.

T-BONE MCMANX:&#160 Aye, sir!&#160 [He touches some controls and leans toward the pickup.]&#160 All hands abandon ship!&#160 Repeat, all hands abandon ship.&#160 This is not&#160 a drill.&#160 I repeat, all hands abandon ship…

VENOMOUS (muttering to himself):&#160 Just once&#160 could I get some writers whose effing solution to everything wasn’t to blow up the damned ship…?!??!?!?!?!

—

Working through some issues here, Denizens.&#160 Will try to post as time allows.&#160 (It’s nothing serious, no worries – just a bleeping annoyance.)

[SCENE:&#160 The Engineering section ot ISS Titanic.&#160 Bodies of Bynars & Jawas, along with an Andorian or two, plus a Tellarite here & there, are strewn across the deck.

In one corner, four Ferengi are doing their best to hide themselves & a group of Ewoks from what appears to be a hooded raging madman prowling the section, purple lightsaber in hand.

Engineer emeritus Merlin and current chief engineer Ozymandias McCool are lying motionless against one bulkhead.&#160 Captain Korrioth, having been knocked woozy by the angry hooded warrior, is now attempting to position himself between he with the lightsaber & the two objects of his extreme angst.

The lightsaber-wielding beast removes the hood, and we see (as expected) Lord Darth Venomous point his weapon at the captain.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 THEY HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, CAPTAIN!!!&#160 They told me they were ready to go!&#160 GIVE ME ONE&#160 REASON WHY THEY SHOULD KEEP THEIR FUCKING HEADS!!!

[Captain Korrioth calmly pulls what appears to be an isolinear chip from his tunic, and holds it up before Lord Venomous.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 “Service Pack 1”.

[Venomous looks at it, a peculiar, puzzled expression on his face.&#160 He starts to say something, hesitates, then dons a twisted facial expression.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Oh.&#160 Okay, then.&#160 Carry on, Captain.

[Venomous turns and calmly walks from the room.&#160 Korrioth breathes a sigh of relief, and goes to render assistance to his still-unconscious engineering staff.]

—

Looks like we’re good to go, guys.&#160 Will be testing stuff out over the next few days, as Version 3 was supposed to render some of my plugins inert.&#160 (Which is why I resisted upgrading for as long as I did.)

Keep your eyes peeled.

[SCENE:&#160 On the bridge of ISS Titanic, currently in drydock and running on minimal power.&#160 An occasional indicator light flashes here & there and life support is just above minimum levels, but otherwise the place is dark.

The reverie is shattered by the appearance of a large, orange ball of light, which quickly coalesces into six figures – Lord Darth Venomous, his XO Korrioth, engineer emeritus Merlin and current chief engineer Ozy McCool, communicatinos wunderkind&#160 T-Bone McManx and tactical officer K’hadibak’h.]

VENOMOUS (apparently to no one in particular):&#160 Computer!&#160 Lights!

[No response.]

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 One second, Admiral.&#160 I believe we left the main computer in standby.

[McCool pulls out a tricorder-looking device and keys in a sequence.&#160 Immediately the lights come up & sounds fill the bridge as the control systems come back online.

McCool casts a glance at Venomous.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Good work, Ozy.&#160 Thank you.

[McCool merely nods.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 You’re sure you & Merlin have things figured out this time?

MERLIN:&#160 Yes, Admiral.&#160 We’ll be ready to take Titanic&#160 out no later than four days from now.

MERLIN:&#160 I’ll hold you to that, Wizard.&#160 Grab whomever you need from spacedock and let’s get this beast flying.&#160 (to all) Repair stations, please.

—

Heads-up, Denizens.&#160 The long-awaited upgrade of the WordPress engine begins now.&#160 (Are you happy now, General?&#160 &#160 )

Y’all stay tuned.

Denizens, The Six Or Seven Of You&#153 may have noticed that This Fine Blog&#153 looks a little different today than yesterday.

What it boils down to is that I widened the page just a skosh…

KORRIOTH (slightly twisted face, as if he doesn’t understand what I just said):&#160 A “skosh”?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Yes, Kor.&#160 A skosh.

KORRIOTH (with a slight dip of his bumpy head):&#160 As you wish, m’lord.

Anyway…

KORRIOTH:&#160 And I happen to like&#160 my head, TendJewBerryMud&#153

[His Rudeness&#153 looks sideways at Merlin]

VENOMOUS:&#160 It’s gonna be OneOfThoseDays&#153, isn’t it?

MERLIN:&#160 Don’t look at me, Purple Eyes.&#160 You&#160 started it.

VENOMOUS (looking resignedly skyward):&#160 Damned non-union labor…

CREW:&#160

Okay, where were we…?

KORRIOTH:&#160 “Skosh”.

Oh, yeah.&#160 Right.

Anyway, it just looks a little better – and it paves the way for the new banner up at the top there.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Mark Davis been giving you hell about the upside-down flags again?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Mark Davis gives me hell about nothing, Ozy.&#160 At least he – unlike some&#160 fictitious people I know – knows better.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Had to remind us that we’re all figments of your imagination again, didn’t you?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Would you all prefer that I exercise my option to lay all your fictitious, non-union asses off?&#160 Economy’s hitting me hard too, y’know.

CREW:&#160 Eep.

Anyway, the banner serves two purposes:&#160 1) it’s new, sort of, and I like the way it looks, and 2) it’s in tribute and ideological solidarity with the folks over at Sipsey Street Irregulars, the link to which you’ll find down there on the left.

Henceforth, let the libtards beware.&#160 We Are Everywhere&#153…heh…heh…heh…&#160

[SCENE:&#160 ISS Titanic, Main Security.

Inside the Agony Booth Interrogation Chamber, we see former Chief Engineer Merlin, writhing in most painful contortions.&#160 (And, we might add, quite gymnastic ones at that – we’ve already seen a couple of good 540s, and one quite stylish 720.)&#160 Over in the corner, there is a pile of bodies, consisting of Captain Korrioth, Tactical Officer K’hadibak’h, Commumications Officer T-Bone McManx, and the rest of the Engineering staff made up of Bynars, Klingons, Ferengi and jawas.

Inside the Control Room, Lord Darth Venomous twists & turns knobs & switches with an extremely&#160 sadistic grin on his visage.&#160 New/previous Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool looks on passively.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 And you will&#160 make sure you have a working license&#160 for that operating system next time, won’t&#160 you, Wizard?!

—

Some tech where I work is not going to be a happy camper when I get through with him.

(And he voted for Bambi, too, so I’m not kidding about the sadistic grin here.)

Going back to XP, Denizens.&#160 (It’s not all bad – it’s been over the requisite six months since the last wipe, so the Big Box&#153 was due, anyway.)

Back soon.

UPDATE:&#160 And before any of you libtard pussies start accusing me of running pirated shit – this was a Dell reinstalltion disk.&#160 Ergo, it has&#160 a license – it’s just not embedded into the CD like it is with XP SP3.

So you can kiss my ass if you don’t like it.

[SCENE:&#160 ISS Titanic Main Engineering.&#160 Chief Engineer Merlin and a motley crew of Bynars, Klingons, Ferengi and jawas are hovering over a command console, checking & re-checking intermix figures.&#160 On the other side of the console, Captain Korrioth watches with great interest.

Merlin looks up at Korrioth.]

MERLIN:&#160 Almost there, Captain.&#160 Cross-checking a couple of equations now.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Speed is not as critical as accuracy, Wizard.&#160 I like pain as much as the next Klingon, but purple-white Force&#153 lightnimg bolts give me hives.

MERLIN:&#160 Pepper has something for that, as I recall…

[Korrioth glares at Merlin]

MERLIN:&#160 …but your point is well taken, sir.&#160 This warp drive won’t collapse in deep space like the last one did.&#160 On that, you have my word.

KORRIOTH:&#160 See to it, Engineer.&#160 I’ll be on the br…

[The doors to Engineering slide open, revealing Lord Darth Venomous and a slightly taller, hooded figure.&#160 The figure moves with what, to Korrioth’s eye, is a very familiar gait – yet, the Klingon/Vulcan hybrid can’t quite place it.

The pair approach the huddled mass.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Report, Captain, if you please.

KORRIOTH:&#160 In progress, Admiral.&#160 Engineer Merlin’s work is nearly complete; we should be able to begin testing shortly.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Excellent work, gentlemen.&#160 I brought him some help.

[Venomous nods to the figure, who removes the hood to the loud gasps of the entire assemblage.&#160 Revealed is the visage of Ozymandias McCool, who had previously met his destiny here.

Venomous eyes the group with smug satisfaction.&#160 Korrioth is the first to find his voice.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 How in the hell…?!

VENOMOUS:&#160 A friend of mind has some Spaarti cylinders and owed me a favor.&#160 I keep DNA samples of all of you in a secret location; it was nothing to send my friend a sample.

MERLIN:&#160 Then he’s…

VENOMOUS:&#160 No, he’s not Ozymaandias McCool.&#160 We’re not having any of that shit in this&#160 screenplay.

MERLIN:&#160 Yes, sir.&#160 (to Ozy) So…are you…?

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 I’m ready to go, yes, sir.&#160 I can relieve you now, or wait until you’re done here.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Go ahead and join the party, Ozy.&#160 I want this tub ready to fly ASAP, alright?

MERLIN:&#160 We’re on it, Admiral.&#160 Come along, lad.

[The group returns to their work, a new spring in their step.]

—

Okay, Denizens, it’s time to see what Windows 7 can do on the Big Box&#153.&#160 I may be incomunicado for a bit.&#160 Hang tight.