Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 8:37
Back during the divorce from Steffi the Doublewide Bitch Supreme, I was constantly advised by people not to write about her backwoods country-hick ass on these pages. Something about not giving her anything she could hand to her fat-assed excuse-for-an-attorney, if memory serves.
On the other hand, Steffi & I had nothing on this couple…
A couple who apparently aired their grievances with each other in public have been told to stop being “immature” and seek counselling.
Their failing relationship was made public when a banner hung over the A27 Brighton bypass signed “JBS” said: “Wendy, I want a divorce”.
A replacement banner then read: “No way. You are the cheat! Wendy.”
Now that’s what I call airing dirty laundry in public. You guys think that maybe that relationship might be on the rocks? (chuckle)
A spokesman for Sussex Police said permission had to be given for signs to be put up at the side of the road.
“This may seem amusing but our job is casualty reduction. We do not want people looking up into the sky and not on the road,” he said.
“Amusing” doesn’t do it justice, Officer. They don’t make soap operas this good.
The first 6ft-wide banner was draped from a bridge over the bypass in the Hollingbury area last week, with the angry riposte placed at exactly the same spot a few days later.
Apart from the initials and the name Wendy the identity of the couple has not been revealed.
However, a senior counsellor for the relationship advice group Relate said it was clear they were very angry with each other.
Christine Northam said: “These signs show that this couple are acting out the turmoil of the break-up of their marriage in front of an audience.
“They must be very angry to do this in such a public way. It is certainly very immature and we would urge them to seek counselling… they seem furious.”
Actually, I’d like to see how this turns out. Now there’s a reality series I might tune in for…
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 9:36
Denizen Elephant Man has provided us with our outrageous humor for the day.
Clicketh thou here, and haveth nothing in thy mouth whilst doing so (translation: massive spew warning).
The E-man is obviously bucking for a place on the masthead, no doubt…
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 6:07
The Minne-haha ViQueens find themselves in a little bit of a controversy this week.
Seems the Viking rookies took the team on a lake cruise – and…well…things got a little out of hand.
Chartered boat crew members have detailed their allegations to authorities of Minnesota Vikings players engaging in a sex party during a lake cruise, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported.
A lawyer for crew members on the two boats involved in the cruise on Lake Minnetonka said the workers told investigators they had to walk around players and women engaged in sex acts.
“There was lap dancing with a fair amount of cash floating around the floor with the dancers, leading quickly into sexual acts in a nature so explicit imagination wasn’t necessary,” said attorney Stephen Doyle, adding that in the atmosphere the crew “were frightened to death.”
Y’know, I thought that getting rid of Randy Moss was supposed to put a stop to shit like this. Hm.
Let’s go to the PFW. My Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets have the South Hills Scorpions this week. Given SHHS’ pattern this season – if Heights scores, they win. The Scorpions are 2-4 on the season, and both those wins were shutouts. Heights should win this in a walk.
Then again, they should’ve beaten Western Hills a couple of weeks ago, so…
Westpoint invades Fort Worth Saturday as the Army Black Knights come to town to take on the TCU Horned Frogs. This is TCU’s Homecoming – and, as is tradition, you always try to schedule someone you can beat for Homecoming. For some reason, however, TCU always seems to have trouble with Army, so we’ll see.
Saturday afternoon, 11th-ranked Florida and the Urban Meyer Express rumbles into Baton Rouge for a matchup with Bo Pelini and 10th-ranked LSU. Honestly, I don’t think the Tigers can hang with the Gators, so give me LSU and 13.
Saturday evening, Bob Stoops and the Oklahoma Sooners will travel to Lawrence, Kansas to take their frustrations out on the KU Jayhawks. Each OU loss has been followed by a fairly comfortable win, and Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk ain’t much to write home about this year, so look for the Sooners to win comforably. (They’d better, if Stoops doesn’t want to start hearing rumblings about his job.)
Sunday afternoon, Eli Manning, Jeremy Shockey and the New York Football Giants come to Texas Stadium to take on the Dallas Cowboys. Thus, of course, raising the question: Which Cowboy team shows up? The one that embarrassed itself vs. Washington & Oakland? Or the one that manhandled Donna McNabb and Terri Owens last week?
Let’s hope Bill Parcells learned his lesson last week and allows Drew Bledsoe to start throwing the ball all over the lot. NY’s secondary is good, no question, but Philly’s secondary had three Pro Bowlers in it. I’m gonna say Dallas by four.
We’re back Monday with the recap.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 12:32
Got this off of Leno last night:
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:28
Okay, did John-boy F’n Qetchup-ass and his pet “shove it” bimboid T’Raisin don “W” & “Laura” outfits and go occupy the White House while we weren’t looking?
I mean, it’s bad enough that President Linguini-ya is off nominating less-than-fully-qualified folks for the Supreme Court like he is. But to have Laura, one of the more intelligent First Ladies we’ve had in that house for a while, say what she said in defense of her husband’s nomination…well, it just makes one wonder. I mean, this is honestly something I’d've expected to hear come from the rum-raisin-laden mouth of the Widow Heinz.
First lady Laura Bush joined her husband in defending his nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday and said it was possible some critics were being sexist in their opposition to Harriet Miers.
Gee, Laura, that’ll be news to Edith Jones, Priscilla Owen and Janice Rogers Brown, y’know? Then again, would you mind telling me why in the Hell a Republican First Lady, generally thought to be a borderline conservative at the very least, is suddenly throwing around the sexism card like it was craps at the casino? Last I checked, conservatives were supposed to be the ones who didn’t care about the race or sex of an individual, but rather on achievements and accomplishments.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 13:42
This is a damned good idea.
I’d recommend steel walls encased in this material to discourage pick-axing one’s way through it. Revitalizes the steel industry and makes it harder for
guest workers undocumented immigrants illegal aliens to do something they’re not supposed to be doing anyway, i.e. crossing our borders illegally.
Plus, I think I’d sprinkle a few
snipers sentries with outstanding hand/eye coordination along that wall at random intervals. Just to keep the aliens guessing.
But that’s just me.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 14:19
Wow. Who knew that Bill Parcells is a Denizen? (chuckle)
Arlington Heights 23, Dunbar 17
TCU 28, Wyoming 14
Oklahoma 12, Texas 45
LSU 34, Vanderbilt 6
Dallas 33, Philthydelphia 10
Either Dunbar is better than I thought they were, or Arlington Heights isn’t that great this year. Nevertheless, Coach Duke Christian keeps his job one more week, I guess.
As predicted, LSU was too much for Vandy, though the Tigers let them hang around for longer than they probably should’ve, although Bo Pelini – LSU’s defensive coordinator and the sole reason I’m following the Tigers this year in the first place – is doing his job quite admirably.
Bet Bob Stoops wishes he had Pelini back Right About Now.
What a difference a year makes. Oklahoma scored the same 12 points it scored last year, but…uh…well, at least I didn’t predict a shutout like I did last year. (grin)
Saturday’s OU-Texas game was as ugly as had been predicted, although the Sooners did give the Shorthorns all that they wanted for at least a little while. TU simply had too much firepower for a team that proved itself unable to stop TCU.
Speaking of TCU, it may be time to start believing in this team.
Certainly the Wyoming Cowboys do. A team that had won its previous four games saw purple & white and suddenly couldn’t keep its hands on the ball. The Cowboys committed seven turnovers – one an interception by the heretofore highly-criticized cornerback Quincy Butler (who I am guessing reads this blog, because he’s been halfway decent since I tore into him a couple weeks ago) – setting the Frogs up with a comfy 28-7 halftime lead, and they pretty much contained Wyoming from there.
Okay, who were you guys decked out in silver & blue yesterday at Texas Stadium? And what have you done with the Cowboys?
Bill Parcells has been characterized in recent years as a coach who likes to play games conservatively, keep things close with his defense, and then win the game in the fourth quarter. And indeed – that’s how the first four games have pretty much gone for the Cowboys this year. Parcells even said this past week that his play-calling would likely remain conservative.
Memo to Andy Reid: Suck-errrrrrrrrrrrrr… (chortle)
Dallas stretched the field on four of its first five plays enroute to 17 first-quarter points, then spent the rest of the day righteously throttling Donna McNabb into a mini-temper tantrum and a perpetual scowl on the Beagle sideline. (In fact, Philly’s only touchdown came on a fumble return by Sheldon Brown. Ergo, Dallas kept Donna McNabb and Little Terri Owens out of the end zone – and when was the last time that happened, hmmmmmm???)
Terry Glenn had two TD grabs for the ‘Boys, winding up with seven catches for 118; Jason Witten added 80 yards on seven catches of his own, and even little-used Lousaka Polite got into the act, doing his impersonation of Daryl Johnston and rumbling for a 12-yard touchdown.
Donna was sacked six times, led by Greg Ellis and Demarcus Ware, who got a sack for the third straight week. All in all, a hellacious effort from a team that desperately couldn’t afford to lose a second division game this early in the season.
The PFW returns Friday for another go-round.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 21:38
Denizen and semi-regular contributor Lady Heather sends us this, courtesy of Mr. Letterman:
Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down…
by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars…but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped…
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 13:13
One of the things that I’ve loved about football is its relative lack of political correctness. You run, you hit, you tackle, you have fun. Nothing sissified about this game, no sir.
(Well, except when it comes to protecting certain wusses (*coughDonnaMcNabbTerriOwenscough*), but we won’t talk about that right now.)
But that phenomonon that one of my old friends called “creeping liberalism” is starting to
worm work worm its way into the game…particularly the college variety. Which is where we find ourselves as we kick off this week’s PFW.
You already know how the NCAA tried to stick its nose into Florida State’s business where it didn’t belong, and how Florida State’s subsequent threat to sue the Hell out of them caused the NCAA to cave in. (The No Cojones Asinine Asshelmets decided after that to pick on someone who might not have the resources to fight back – namely, the University of North Dakota. We’ll see how that one goes, won’t we? Can someone say “equal protection”? Sure you can…)
Anyway, Saturday comes the annual football war between the Oklahoma Sooners and the (*hack, spit*) Texas Shorthorns (*hack, spit*).
(Memo to TU’ers everywhere: This ain’t personal. I just despise Mack Brown – he’s a fucking outsider who’s never won anything substantial in his career. Granted, he replaced the offensive snoozefestmeister Fred Akers, but then Akers never should’ve been there in the first place. Anyway, get rid of Mack Brown, go tell Tom-ass Hicks to go eff himself, and all will be forgiven.)
For the last few years, this game has been officially known as the Red River Shootout. (Those of us with ages approaching that of dirt remember it simply as OU-Texas or Texas-OU, depending on one’s allegiances.)
But apparently the term “shootout” is a little too violent for the pansy-assed, limp-wristed wussy-types who seem to have gained control over the promotion of the game. It’s now going to be called the (*hack, spit*) Red River Rivalry (*hack, spit*).
You heard right, Sportz Fanz. The Red River Rivalry.
This is the best they could come up with? A namby-pamby, non-threatening, non-violent, pussified boring name like Red River Rivalry?????
Memo to the fuckhead(s) who came up with this one: A rivalry, if you’d bother to look up the definition, encompasses – in the cases of colleges who participate in more than one sport – more than just one game in a given sport. OU and Texas are more than just rivals in football – they’re in the same conference, so that means they’re rivals in basketball, baseball, soccer, track, badminton, tiddlywinks…you name it, they’re rivals therein.
This is one game. One freakin’ solitary game. You dumbasses have taken the pageantry, the atmosphere, the abject hatred each school has for the other and gone and weakened it by giving it a pussified name like “Red River Rivalry”.
Fuck each and every one of you up the ass, and the Yugo you rode in on.
Awright, that said – let’s get to the game and crank up the PFW, shall we? The 100th installment of OU-Texas starts at noon Saturday in the Cotton Bowl, and TU is heavily favored. And, based on this year’s performance, the Shorthorns have every right to be. They’re the number-two ranked team in the country, and they’re going up against a group that couldn’t beat the motley crew that gave the SMU
T Shitland Ponies their only victory.
(UPDATE: The Shitland Ponies have just beaten UAB. UAB, how the Hell did you let that happen???)
TU has possibly the nation’s best quarterback in Vince Young, while the Sooners are starting a freshman who didn’t even begin the season as the starter.
All that said, OU generally reserves some of its best games for TU, so we’ll see. But it won’t surprise me if Little Mackie Brown finally breaks through against Bob Stoops in a big way tomorrow.
Also tomorrow, my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets draw the short straw as far as scheduled games go (honestly, if you’re in high school, you want to be playing Friday night – not Saturday afternoon at 3:00 when you could be watching OU-Texas) when they take on the Dunbar Wildcats. Dunbar is a high-powered team that’s nationally respected and feared.
Memo to Duke Christian: You’ve already lost one district game – that had best be the extent of it.
And the TUC…uh, TCU…Horned Frogs find out just how much of a chance they have at a Mountain West Conference championship tomorrow afternoon when they take on the Wyoming Cowboys up in Laramie. TCU’s been decent thus far, but this game scares me to death. They lost their season opener to Florida, and have not lost since, with three of their four wins coming in rather convincing fashion. Give me TCU and 10 points – and even that might not be enough.
Number 11 LSU (there…that’s more like it) travels to Vanderbilt for an evening game – and while Vandy will put up a fight, I think LSU has too much for them.
Sunday, The World’s Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever, Donna McPansyass and his half-assed sister Little Terri Owens come to Dallas to take on the Cowboys. As usual, the ‘Boys won’t be able to get to Donna because his line holds on every fucking play, and should they be lucky enough to lay so much as a finger on either Donna or Terri, the NFL will find a way to outlaw the technique used next season. That fat honkin’ Campbell’s-soup-hawkin’ mommy of Donna’s will bleat and squeal about it until they do.
(We’re still waiting, of course, for the NFL to take action against the Beagles for driving Michael Irvin’s noggin into the Veterans Stadium concrete and ending his career. But don’t so much as breathe on Terri Owens – that’s a flag and a fine. Isn’t it, Paul Tagliabue, you goat-felching dickweed?)
Can you tell I’m not real crazy about my chances for a PFW this weekend?
Back Monday for the recap. In the meantime, let the virtual tailgating begin!
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:46
Unbeknownst to me while I was running through my mp3 collection, unique visitor number 40,000 to this site came by around 8:05.
As I did about 10,000 visitors ago, let me pause once again to thank you for taking time out of your day to stop by. Without you…well, this blog would still exist, but it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:26
Denizens, despite the fact that there’s tons o’ stuff on which to blog, I just didn’t really feel like it today. Rough day at work and my head feels like it’s in a vise grip, which tends to sap motivation, y’know?
Then I heard this. (It’s about 1.2 megs, so let the Dial-up Denizens be forewarned.)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 17:10
The Department of “He Can Dish It Out, But” chimes in today with a report of the ongoing semi-quasi-sorta-kinda-feud between Vice President Cheney and Chuckie Rangel.
This time, it’s all about age.
Vice President Dick Cheney’s feud with Democratic Rep. Charles Rangel was perpetuated Wednesday when the 75-year-old congressman said Cheney “ought to be ashamed of himself” for a remark about his age.
Months of verbal attacks from Rangel
Okay, so let me see if I can understand this: Chucky unleashes a months-long verbal assault on the Vice President, refuses to let up – then, when Cheney gets in one or two zingers back at Chuckie, he pouts about it.
“Mr. Kettle, there’s a Mr. Pot on line 2. Something about you being…uh…black…”
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 16:54
I’d opine at length about the Harriet Miers nomination for the
Soprano Supreme Court – but Misha beat me to the punch yet again.
I will say this, though: We already know that she’s in favor of having an International Criminal Court, with all the resulting surrender of our national sovereignty that implies – and that she has no problem giving heterophobes the same rights as heterosexuals (and please, people, don’t insult my intelligence – we all know that the people who foisted this questionnaire on her wanted her to say, in effect, that it was okay for sodomites to marry, okay?).
Given these two items alone, I’m even more against this nominee than I was against Roberts. And, given that far more qualified and ideologically satisfactory women, let alone men, are out there for Bush to have nominated – then yes, count me in with those who feel betrayed yet again by the Party of Stupid.
Memo to Ken Mehlman: I have no qualms with staying home, not only in ’06, but in ’08 as well. Get that through your thick-assed head before it’s too late.
UPDATE: Hmmm. It appears as though one of our sources has some lines crossed.
The SpatulaGoddess brings to our attention that the document on which Worldnetdaily bases its article is merely a list of potential agenda items, not a report in and of itself – and that any ABA member could put something on that list if they so desired.
Drilling down a little further, WND reports that
As a city councilwoman, Miers also said Dallas had a responsibility to pay for AIDS education and patient services. And she courted the support of the Lesbian/Gay Coalition of Dallas in her successful 1989 campaign
when in fact, the PDF of the form specifically shows that she did not seek these heterophobes’ endorsement.
Would seem to be a little bit of New York Slime-ish reporting on the part of WND. One hopes that’s the exception, rather than the rule.
Note that this doesn’t necessarily change my opinion of Harriet Miers. I’d still rather see Janice Rogers Brown in that spot.
But when an error is respectfully pointed out to me, I’ve no problem making a correction. Some folks here still don’t seem to have figured that out just yet…
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 11:35
For years, Bill Parcells has been tagged with the label “Football Genius”. Sunday, Parcells proved that even geniuses can be too clever by half.
Arlington Heights 7, Western Hills 14 (OT)
TCU 49, New Mexico 28
Oklahoma 43, Kansas State 21
LSU 37, Mississippi State 7
Dallas 13, Oakland 19
As expected, Heights-Hills came down to overtime. Hills scored in OT, Heights didn’t. Duke Christian, if you only win one district game per year, it needs to be Western Hills. Get with the program, bud.
As I recall, I predicted OU in a squeaker against K-State. Gotta admit – I like those 22-point squeakers. (grin)
However, the story in Norman Saturday night wasn’t the game – it was what was happening about a couple hundred yards from the stadium. An engineering student apparently committed suicide by blowing himself up.
I say “apparently” because while the police are calling it a suicide, a second bomb was found in a nearby courtyard. An investigation continues. The SpatulaGoddess has an interesting take thereupon.
LSU turned in a workmanlike effort in taking out its Tennessee frustrations out on MSU. I imagine Bo Pelini was kicking ass and taking names this week in practice.
One could claim that the actual final score in Fort Worth Saturday night was Prevailing Southerly Breezes 63, TCU 14, New Mexico 0.
And one would’ve had a pretty strong case. Out of the eleven touchdowns scored in the game, nine of them went to the north end zone. As the two teams exchanged sides of the field, you could almost see momentum physically shift as if it were a weathervane.
TCU won the toss and elected to defer until the second half (as is their usual custom), choosing to take the wind in the first & fourth quarters. And promptly went out on the strength of that wind and put a massive hurt on the Lobos, helped by two interceptions, one of which was made by the heretofore ripped-to-shreds Quincy “Toast” Butler.
(Memo to Butler: You’re faster than you think, bud. If you can just convince Patterson and Bump-ass to let you guys play bump-and-run, then learn how to really jam the receivers at the line, not only will you have solved your secondary problems, but you guys could stand a good chance of being first-round draftees in the NFL. Quit playing tentatively and go kick ass.)
Jeff Ballard ran for two TDs in the quarter (part of six in which he would have a hand for the evening) in helping TCU roar to a 28-0 lead.
Then they switched sides, and the balloon deflated nearly as quickly. New Mexico would score the next 28 points (two TDs in the second, two in the third) to tie the game. TCU could manage just one first down during that entire sequence, and even had a punt blocked during the third quarter, leading to UNM’s third touchdown.
With the score tied at 28 and the natives restless, TCU got the ball on its 34 after a missed UNM field goal attempt and drove to the Lobo 38. On 4th-and-1, Ballard dropped back, then lofted a semi-wounded duck in the direction of tight end Chad Andrus as he was being hit. Andrus caught the ball and rumbled into the end zone for what turned out to be the game-winning touchdown. TCU’s defense would solidify thereafter, intercepting Lobo QB Kole McKamey twice more and recovering a fumble. Ballard would rush for two more touchdowns, accounting for the final margin.
Fact: The Oakland Raiders’ secondary has been torched for over 300 yards per game in the first three games of the year.
Fact: The Oakland Raiders possess two of the fattest defensive tackles in the league – Ted Washington and Warren “Thug” Sapp. When they line up together, opposing running backs would generally have an easier time running through a brick wall.
Fact: The Dallas Cowboys have the third-ranked passer in the NFL, and a corps of outstanding wide receivers.
Which is why, all these things taken together, Bill Parcells – the Football Coaching Genius – decided he would try to beat the Raiders yesterday by running the ball.
Julius Jones – 22-76, 3.5 average. Tyson Thompson – 7-32, 4.6 average (better, but he also missed an assignment that nearly got Drew Bledsoe killed). No rush went for more than 14 yards. This is football according to our very own Coaching Genius.
Even so, Dallas had a chance to win the game yesterday. A 57-yard grab by Terry Glenn set the Cowboys up deep in Raider territory late in the 4th quarter. But with 4th-and-4 from the Raider five, Bledsoe – with Jason Witten all alone in the end zone – went to the well once too often, and wound up bouncing a pass in to Terry Glenn with 1:49 left. Bledsoe never even looked Witten’s way.
But hey – such is risk-free “safe” football under Bill Parcells. Safe, risk-free, boring, losing football.
Hey, Jerry Jones – have you enjoyed these last few years of shitty football? I hope you have – I hope you have very much. (Listeners of KTCK/1310 AM radio will understand the reference.)
The PFW will return Friday for another go-round.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 10:46
In a previous thread on the Rott, someone had asked me whom I would support for President in ’08. I replied that I would lean toward Newt Gingrich, hoping that he would pick Antonin Scalia as a running mate.
That was before the events of the last couple of days surrounding Bill Bennett.
Bennett, the former Secretary of Education (a worthless Cabinet position if ever there was one), hosts a weekday radio show called Morning in America (it’s heard here on KSKY/660). As most of you know by now, he said this on his show Wednesday: