10
2007
Posted by @ 14:45
Item:  Guy dies.  Church agrees to make its facilities available to host the guy’s funeral.
With me so far?  Okay.
Then the church finds out that the dead guy was a flaming heterophobe.  And  that said flaming heterophobia was going to be a central theme at the funeral.  Whereupon the church immediately withdraws the invitation to host.
My question:  Why is this news?
As we launch another successful year of Perfect Football Weekends™, I have to confess something:
I think I missed the NFL’s Hall of Fame Game.  I looked all over Civilization As I Know It™ (read:  all the sports channels on Time Warner Cable    ), and I could find neither hide nor hair thereof.
(And now I see why:  The damn game was televised on the NFL Network.  That fucking does it – I’m switching to Verizon FIOS.)
Anyway, the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the New Orleans Black & Gold Pieces of Shit Saints, 20-7.  Good.  Sean Payton can go oh-and-fuckin’-20 this year and it won’t be enough to suit me.
Awright, so let’s get down to business.  As you know, in preseason I follow whatever football I can get my greedy eyes on, and if the Cowboys happen to be involved, so much the better.  Which, as it happens, they are – they host the Defending Super Bowl Champion (Finally!!!)™ Indian-hapless Colts tonight at 7:00.  (At the end of a blazing hot Texas summer day, but what the Hell, eh?  Though actually, I think they’d rather play in Hell – it’d be cooler.)  Romo will play a quarter – and likely, so will Manning.  Whereupon he’ll probably go and shoot another commercial. 
Friday night, CBS will have Beefalo at the aforementioned B&GPOS.
Saturday, the NFL Network (Damn you, Time Warner Cable!!!) will have the Washington Foreskins at the Tennessee Vince Youngs Titans.  (We will now pause as LC John Wardle takes us to task for calling them the Foreskins. (grin))
Michaels & Madden will be in San Diego on Sunday as the Seattle Seahags take on LT & the Chargers.  Rumors that Chris Young would strike out both Michaels & Madden in the 2nd quarter were unsubstantiated at press time. 
Monday, a cast of what seems like thousands will be in San Transexual as the FairyWhiners host the Denver Running Backs Committee Broncos.  By then, La Reina Espátula™ will have a permanent dent in her iron skillet from the back of my head. 
We’re back on Monday to offer a half-hearted recap and thanks to the Football Gawds™ that we no longer have to pay attention to the Texass stRangers. 
Prior to last weekend, the major-league baseball record for career homeruns was held by Hank Aaron, with 755.
Today, the major-league baseball record for career homeruns is held by…Hank Aaron, with 755.
Yes, I’ve read last night’s news.
No, I don’t give a shit what it says.
As far as I’m concerned, the number of career homeruns off the bat of one Barry “Captain Steroid” Bonds is whatever he hit prior to his juicing up…say, about 300 homeruns or so ago.  Steroids are responsible for the remainder of them.  In other words, this overgrown (literally, thanks to ‘roids) assclown cheated  to get where he was today.  He broke the rules to gain an unfair advantage, which got him in the position where he now finds himself.
(Not terribly unlike a certain fat-assed redhead bitch about 90 minutes east of here, but that’s another rant for another post.)
And what’s even more ludicrous is his claim that “he didn’t know they were steroids”.
WTF?  Denizens, neither you nor I so much as pop a sesame seed in our mouths without knowing full well what’s in it, and El Freakboy claims he didn’t know what he was taking?!?!?!
Fuck that.
Ergo, this blog and this scribe categorically refuse to honor or recognize any homerun record laid claim to by Barry “Captain Steroid” Bonds.
F.E.T.E, as the Imperial Torturer is wont to say.
Oh, wow.  It’s National Night Out.
Yippee.  Ha-ha.  Whee.
Listen, guys, I have a “National Night Out” with La Reina Espátula every night we go out for a walk.
Because I always take my good friend Mr. Glock with us.
The rest of you sheeple have fun with your “National Night Out”.  Have fun singing “Kum Ba Yah”, mkay?
As for me & mine, I think we’ll be okay. 
Okay, Denizens, without going into too much detail (for fear we’ll jinx it, y’know), we’re closing in on new Realm™ Headquarters.
MERLIN:  Y’don’t say?!
KORRIOTH:  About farkin’ time!!
OZY MCCOOL:  Finally!!!
KORRIOTH:  (slaps McCool upside the head) Shut up!  You haven’t even been  here six months!!!
OZY MCCOOL:  (rubs head gingerly) Have too!!!
LSIK&T:  You’re forgetting the time he spent as a cadet, Korrioth.
KORRIOTH:  Oh, right!  In that cushy little dormitory where the Earthers sleep!
LSIK&T:  Earthers like me, Railroad-track Head?
KORRIOTH:  (opens his mouth, remembers whom he’s addressing, thinks better of it) Uh…you know what I meant, m’Lord.
LSIK&T:  (grunt)
Start praying, guys.  If all goes well, we can actually start planning Texas Blogfest ’07.
THE SPATULAGODDESS™:  About time, hon.
LSIK&T:  Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Okay, so Denizen and fellow blogger Alan K. Henderson knows I get all ga-ga-eyed whenever I see Bollywood hottie Aishwarya Rai.
Whereupon, he sends me this…
Uh, Alan?  You do  remember I’m married  now, right…? 
The all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful MahaRushie celebrated his show’s nineteenth (See?) anniversary today.
Mr. Henderson has the details.