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Item:&#160 Guy dies.&#160 Church agrees to make its facilities available to host the guy’s funeral.

With me so far?&#160 Okay.

Then the church finds out that the dead guy was a flaming heterophobe.&#160 And&#160 that said flaming heterophobia was going to be a central theme at the funeral.&#160 Whereupon the church immediately withdraws the invitation to host.

My question:&#160 Why is this news?

More »

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As we launch another successful year of Perfect Football Weekends&#153, I have to confess something:

I think I missed the NFL’s Hall of Fame Game.&#160 I looked all over Civilization As I Know It&#153 (read:&#160 all the sports channels on Time Warner Cable&#160 &#160 ), and I could find neither hide nor hair thereof.

(And now I see why:&#160 The damn game was televised on the NFL Network.&#160 That fucking does it – I’m switching to Verizon FIOS.)

Anyway, the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the New Orleans Black & Gold Pieces of Shit Saints, 20-7.&#160 Good.&#160 Sean Payton can go oh-and-fuckin’-20 this year and it won’t be enough to suit me.

Awright, so let’s get down to business.&#160 As you know, in preseason I follow whatever football I can get my greedy eyes on, and if the Cowboys happen to be involved, so much the better.&#160 Which, as it happens, they are – they host the Defending Super Bowl Champion (Finally!!!)&#153 Indian-hapless Colts tonight at 7:00.&#160 (At the end of a blazing hot Texas summer day, but what the Hell, eh?&#160 Though actually, I think they’d rather play in Hell – it’d be cooler.)&#160 Romo will play a quarter – and likely, so will Manning.&#160 Whereupon he’ll probably go and shoot another commercial.&#160

Friday night, CBS will have Beefalo at the aforementioned B&GPOS.

Saturday, the NFL Network (Damn you, Time Warner Cable!!!) will have the Washington Foreskins at the Tennessee Vince Youngs Titans.&#160 (We will now pause as LC John Wardle takes us to task for calling them the Foreskins. (grin))

Michaels & Madden will be in San Diego on Sunday as the Seattle Seahags take on LT & the Chargers.&#160 Rumors that Chris Young would strike out both Michaels & Madden in the 2nd quarter were unsubstantiated at press time.&#160

Monday, a cast of what seems like thousands will be in San Transexual as the FairyWhiners host the Denver Running Backs Committee Broncos.&#160 By then, La Reina Esp&#225tula&#153 will have a permanent dent in her iron skillet from the back of my head.&#160

We’re back on Monday to offer a half-hearted recap and thanks to the Football Gawds&#153 that we no longer have to pay attention to the Texass stRangers.&#160

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Prior to last weekend, the major-league baseball record for career homeruns was held by Hank Aaron, with 755.

Today, the major-league baseball record for career homeruns is held by…Hank Aaron, with 755.

Yes, I’ve read last night’s news.

No, I don’t give a shit what it says.

As far as I’m concerned, the number of career homeruns off the bat of one Barry “Captain Steroid” Bonds is whatever he hit prior to his juicing up…say, about 300 homeruns or so ago.&#160 Steroids are responsible for the remainder of them.&#160 In other words, this overgrown (literally, thanks to ‘roids) assclown cheated&#160 to get where he was today.&#160 He broke the rules to gain an unfair advantage, which got him in the position where he now finds himself.

(Not terribly unlike a certain fat-assed redhead bitch about 90 minutes east of here, but that’s another rant for another post.)

And what’s even more ludicrous is his claim that “he didn’t know they were steroids”.

WTF?&#160 Denizens, neither you nor I so much as pop a sesame seed in our mouths without knowing full well what’s in it, and El Freakboy claims he didn’t know what he was taking?!?!?!

Fuck that.

Ergo, this blog and this scribe categorically refuse to honor or recognize any homerun record laid claim to by Barry “Captain Steroid” Bonds.

F.E.T.E, as the Imperial Torturer is wont to say.

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Oh, wow.&#160 It’s National Night Out.

Yippee.&#160 Ha-ha.&#160 Whee.

Listen, guys, I have a “National Night Out” with La Reina Esp&#225tula every night we go out for a walk.

Because I always take my good friend Mr. Glock with us.

The rest of you sheeple have fun with your “National Night Out”.&#160 Have fun singing “Kum Ba Yah”, mkay?

As for me & mine, I think we’ll be okay.&#160

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Okay, Denizens, without going into too much detail (for fear we’ll jinx it, y’know), we’re closing in on new Realm&#153 Headquarters.

MERLIN:&#160 Y’don’t say?!

KORRIOTH:&#160 About farkin’ time!!

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Finally!!!

KORRIOTH:&#160 (slaps McCool upside the head) Shut up!&#160 You haven’t even been&#160 here six months!!!

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 (rubs head gingerly) Have too!!!

LSIK&T:&#160 You’re forgetting the time he spent as a cadet, Korrioth.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Oh, right!&#160 In that cushy little dormitory where the Earthers sleep!

LSIK&T:&#160 Earthers like me, Railroad-track Head?

KORRIOTH:&#160 (opens his mouth, remembers whom he’s addressing, thinks better of it) Uh…you know what I meant, m’Lord.

LSIK&T:&#160 (grunt)

Start praying, guys.&#160 If all goes well, we can actually start planning Texas Blogfest ’07.

THE SPATULAGODDESS&#153:&#160 About time, hon.

LSIK&T:&#160 Yeah, yeah, yeah…

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Okay, so Denizen and fellow blogger Alan K. Henderson knows I get all ga-ga-eyed whenever I see Bollywood hottie Aishwarya Rai.

Whereupon, he sends me this…

Uh, Alan?&#160 You do&#160 remember I’m married&#160 now, right…?&#160

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The all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful MahaRushie celebrated his show’s nineteenth (See?) anniversary today.

Mr. Henderson has the details.

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