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Memo to Gary Patterson: One or both of you need to go. I don’t give a damn which.

Arlington Heights 41, at Paschal 34
Texas Christian 17, at Air Force 20 (OT)
UBuffalo 24, at #12 Penn State 45 (Buffalo covers)
at #3 Oklahoma 54, Utah State 3
at #2 LSU 44, Middle Tennessee 0
Dallas 37, at Miami 20

UBeefalo coach Turner Gill apparently got a mite peeved over what sounded like a spectacular play by Penn State receiver Jordan Norwood’s TD catch of a ball that very nearly hit the ground.

Memo to my old acquaintance:  Turner, it’s not like you were going to beat these guys, even in your backyard. Hell, congratulate yourselves for covering the spread without my extra 14 point cushion.

Matt Flynn sat. Early Doucet sat. Backup Ryan Perrilloux (a name for an LSU quarterback if ever there was one) was one of many reserves that started for the Tigers.

And Bo Pelini’s defense…was still Bo Pelini’s defense. True, they only got one turnover, but they limited Bag o’ Nothin’ State MT to 4-of-14 on third downs, zip-for-two on 4th, and 90 yards total (at least, according to the stat sheet; the write-up gave ‘em 166 yards).

The dynasty would appear to be back.

Sam Bradford was 19-for-26 for 255 yards and three touchdown; Allen Patrick had 113 yards on 8 carries (69 of them on a TD run in the 2nd quarter) as the Sooners rolled.

Mack Brown’s nails are getting a little closer to the quick Right About Now™.

Between the heat, the humidity and the Miami defense, the Cowboys – hell, the entire game – started out about like I thought it would – as sluggish as Mikey Moron fighting through a mudpit trying to get the last eclair.

(There will be a short pause while the Imperial Torturer™ passes out the brain bleach.)

Then the 2nd half started, Miami scored to take the lead, then seemed to say to the Cowboys, “Okay, we’ve had our fun, you take the ball. No, really – take it. No, really – we insist. We’re serious – we really don’t want this ball.

Trent Green threw four picks out of five total turnovers which Dallas should have converted into at least 28 points, but had to settle for 13. Romo threw for 186 yards and two touchdowns, including one did-you-see-that Houdini-type job as Joey Porter was about to drag him to the ground.

Widdle Terri Owens caught the other TD pass, then drew a 15-yard unsportsmanlike call for a post-TD celebration that mocked Patsies coach Bill Belicheat Belichick:

“It was all in good fun,” Owens said with a grin. “I hope they don’t give me a hefty fine like they gave Belichick.”

Whatever. It cost the ‘Boys 7 points, as Miami, blessed with a short field after the ensuing kickoff, needed only three plays to punch it in.

Marion Barber III blasted through a bunched-up ten-man Miami box for the final margin.

Picture this: You’re an offensive coordinator. Your team is on the road. There’s less than a minute left in a tie game. You have the ball, first down just a tick outside the red zone (the 22-yard line, to be precise). You can kick the winning field goal right now if you want, or you can run the ball up the gut and get maybe a couple extra yards.

You decide to throw the ball. It gets picked. Your opponents run out the clock, then win in overtime.

Your name is Mike Schultz, and you are The Second Biggest Fucking Dumbass In Lord Spatula’s World™. Second only to Gary Patterson – the Biggest Fucking Dumbass In Lord Spatula’s World™ for having hired your moronic ass in the first place.

The Frogs also lost a fumble in the red zone, had a field goal attempt blocked and another one clank off the upright.

Patterson, however, defended his friend:

But to the tacky TCU fan who registered www.firemikeschultz.com as a Web domain Friday morning, behave yourself. Patterson and Schultz go back 24 years together, to when both were assistants on the staff at Tennessee Tech.

And they were back at work in the TCU football office, after a quiet flight home, Friday at 8 a.m.

“We talked about it,” Patterson said. “He’s feeling bad. What do you say?

“We’ve been together as a group for a long time.”

And just where was Patterson during all this?

Patterson explained it well in Saturday’s newspaper. He heard the offensive coaches talking about a running play and, satisfied, switched his headset channel over to the defensive staff, presumably to talk about what the Frogs were going to do after they kicked off. Before the timeout ended, however, somebody changed the play.

So, in other words, we have a football team whose left hand doesn’t have a fucking clue what its right hand is doing.


This week: 5-1. Overall: 14-3.

The PFW will return Friday, when I will guarantee that Heights will not lose, and that Texas Christian University (hat tip: Humble DevilDog) had damned well best not.


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