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This week’s episode of the Perfect Football Weekend kicks off…

MERLIN, OZY, T-BONE, KORRIOTH:&#160 CORRRR…!!!~

[His Rudeness silences them all with a glare]

…kicks off this week by noting the freezing over of Hell™, the sight of pigs flying, the sun rising in the west, Warren Buffet declaring bankruptcy, liberals growing brains, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

KORRIOTH:&#160 WTF™…?

MERLIN:&#160 Uh, oh – what’s happened?

OZY MCCOOL:&#160

KORRIOTH:&#160 That’s unbecoming a Realm™ officer, Lieutanant.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Sorry, Captain.&#160 It’s just that I know what it is.

MERLIN:&#160 What?&#160 WHAT???

LSIK&T:&#160 This.

The Cowboys receiver taped a laminated letter to his locker Wednesday to inform the media he will not be speaking this week. [Terrell] Owens normally chats for 30 minutes on Wednesdays, but he apparently he did not want to spend his time talking about Patriots receiver Randy Moss, who also wears No. 81.

Dear Reporters,

Due to the magnitude of this week’s game and high volume of questions for the Original 81 about the other 81, I will be taking all questions immediately following Sunday’s game.

Sincerely, Terrell Owens 81

MERLIN:&#160 He’s shutting up?

KORRIOTH:&#160 Not a peep?

LSIK&T:&#160 Believe it, guys.&#160 Our whole reality just got turned upside down.

ALL:&#160 AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!1

Okay, enough of that.&#160 Now for the football.&#160 My Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets start the PFW early with a district game against the South Hills Scorpions.&#160 Hard to handicap this game – South Hills won last year and is probably on the upswing, while Heights is struggling just to remain on a plateau.&#160 But both teams played Paschal within a touchdown, so we’ll see.

Saturday, the Texas Christian Horned Frogs are guaranteed to lose.&#160 They’re traveling to Stanford, Californication California to play the Stanford Cardinal.&#160 (No, not Cardinals – Cardinal.)

The same Cardinal who just upset the USC Trojans.

The heretofore second-ranked&#160 (formerly top-ranked) USC Trojans.

At home.

The Frogs are doomed.

Saturday, Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls have a chance to do something they’ve never done (at least, not in Division I-A):&#160 Win a second game in a row.

They’ll be hosting the Toledo Zips – and Great Honkin’ Cthulu, Vegas actually has ’em favored by three.&#160 (Now, we know that that means it’s a pick ’em, but when was the last time that happened for anyone except Temple or Ohio U?)

It doesn’t get any easier for the 6th-ranked Oklahoma Sooners, as they host Chase Daniel and the 11th-ranked Missouri Tigers at Owen Field.&#160 Mizzou destroyed Nebraska at home last week ( ), so this game scares the Hell™ outta me.&#160 OU’s favored by 10½, so again, we’ll see.

LSU takes its top-ranked act to Kentucky to face the Wildcats.&#160 The ‘Cats actually have a good team this year, so even though LSU’s favored by 9½, they probably need to have a care.

Sunday afternoon, the Dallas Cowboys host Bill Belicheat Belichick, Randy Moss and the New England Pansies.&#160 The over/under on this game will be four Moss touchdowns and two video cameras.

We’re back Monday or Tuesday for the recap.&#160 In the meantime, we’re anxiously awaiting the Humble Devildog’s rant on Bucky’s first loss of the year last week.

ALL:&#160 (dive for cover)