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Well, well, well.&#160 How the mighty&#160 have fallen.

EXCLUSIVE: Lindsay Lohan in Tears: I’m in “Absolute Hell”

In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the “humiliating” weekend showdown with Ronson’s family, and says that friends’ fears she is suicidal are unfounded.

Hm.&#160 I guess your breasts are no longer a “really big hit” with the aforementioned Ms. Ronson, are they?

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)

The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson’s mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.

Particularly when she’s driving.

Especially&#160 when she’s driving.&#160

Lohan says she’s “so alone” without Ronson.

“Everyone’s turned on me,” says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, b—h.”

Well, slut-ola, maybe folks have just had it up past&#160 the proverbial “here” by your diva-based bullshit act.&#160 Certainly folks like me had enough of your Schitty Schtale Schtick&#153 a helluva&#160 long time ago, y’know?

Here’s a clue, bimbo:&#160 Stop trying to pattern your life after Britney & Paris & Mary-Kate and all the rest of the teen diva bitches.&#160 Try going back to the wholesome girl from the Disney flicks you were in before your breasts&#160 became “a really big hit”.

In other words, stop being a fucking brat.

And another thing:&#160 Give up the lezbo BS.&#160 No mother is going to want their little girl to emulate that.&#160 Make the choice – yes, Lindsay, it’s a choice; don’t argue, you can’t win – to go back to being attracted to guys.&#160 We’ll appreciate you a lot more, trust me.&#160 So will the rest of the world.

The choice is yours, Lohan.&#160 Try to make a good one this time.


In case you’ve been under a rock, Captain Richard Phillips was rescued by the Navy Seals.

Damn skippy, men.&#160 Good work.

But of course, Obambi the Incompetent had to drag this out beyond where it needed to go:

President Barack Obama in a statement said, “I share the country’s admiration for the bravery of Captain Phillips and his selfless concern for his crew. His courage is a model for all Americans.”

Obama had given standing orders for a rescue effort if Phillips’s life was in danger, Gortney said.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jugears.&#160 Whatever happened to “Sniper?&#160 Target.&#160 Go”?&#160 Did this FBI team or whatever really&#160 have to spend nearly four friggin’ days wasting time with these chickenshits?

They’re pirates, for crying out loud!&#160 Standing orders should&#160 be to shoot on sight!

But I guess that wouldn’t be in line with the fucking Geneva Conventions the leftards get hard-ons to quote, y’know?


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