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(Hat tip Aggie Sith.)

Denizens, your Homework Assignment&#153 is to go read this treatise written by The Curtal Friar at Fountain Abbey.

Basically, this says what I said, only moreso.&#160 But it’s damned well written, and I encourage you to avail yourselves thereof.

Now go.&#160 Shoo.

Oh, and, uh, by the way:&#160 Five.&#160

Six.

Denizens we start this week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153…by talking about basketball.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 Who are you and where is my husband?

MERLIN:&#160 Relax, m’lady.&#160 He does this about every other year or so.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 Hmf.

Anyway, I found this article about a 30-year-old basketball tradition over in Arkansas that I thought was damned cool.

Well, here’s a call that won’t ruffle anyone, and also one that is never disputed. It’s the technical foul that gets called at John Brown University (in Siloam Springs, Ark.) every season when the basketball team sinks its first field goal and the fans respond by blanketing the court with toilet paper.

Roughly 500 rolls of TP take flight, in a tradition that dates back 30 years for the Golden Eagles. This season’s opener, Oct. 28 against Hillsdale Freewill Baptist, figures to be particularly celebratory, because it also will showcase the new Bill George Arena.

Damn, I wish I coulda been there for that.

Now, it’s one thing when it happens, and the other team just stands there looking all annoyed about it.&#160 But when the opponents are actually wanting&#160 to be part of the festivities, that just makes it all the more fun.

Can you imagine being the ref that gets to call that tech?&#160 I dunno if I could do it – I’d be too doubled over laughing my ass off.&#160

Let’s get on with the football.&#160 Sadly, I don’t think I’ll be wrong tonight when I predict the end of the football season for my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets.&#160 They’ve got Killeen in the area round of the playoffs over in Waxy-hachet (for the Uninitiated&#153, that’s my personal nickname for Waxahachie).

That’s “Killeen”, as in the ones who beat Stephenville earlier this year.&#160 That’s “Stephenville” as in, national “hah skrewl” (a little Rush lingo, there) football power Stephenville.

Get ready to be plugged into the PFW, Bucky.

Saturday, Gary Patterson brings his 19th-ranked (gawd, it feels good to be able to say that again) TCU Horned Frogs for a couple of victory-lap games.&#160 Tomorrow’s is against the Colorado State Rams – and, while CSU always puts the fear o’ Cthulu into me, they never do all that well in Ft. Worth.&#160 And Vegas would seem to concur; they’re giving CSU 34 points.

And since UNLV is here next week, basically it’s win this one and force Britton Bernowsky Craig Thompson to don the stiff upper lip as he hands the Frogs their fourth – and last – Mountain West championship.

Mheh.

Also Saturday, fifth-ranked Oklahoma has to go down to Waco and put up with all the swooning over 22nd-ranked Baylor and ARRRRR GEEEEEE THREEEEEEE!!!!!!&#160 all night long.

Truth be told, I’d feel better about this game had the Cubbies not nearly stunk up the joing against Rock Chalk.&#160 Now they’ll be on their guard.&#160 Bob Stoops, have a care.

Early in the day, Bo Pelini’s 16th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers go to the Big House&#153 and square off against Denard Robinson and the 18th-ranked Michigan Wolverines.

Vegas has it as a toss-up (Michigan minus 3&#189 at home), but I don’t like this game – the Huskers always have trouble against fleet-footed QBs, and Robinson is as fleet-footed as they come –and&#160 he’s got an arm.&#160 Things don’t look good here.

Sunday, the Dallas Cowboys travel up to Warshington to play the Foreskins.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Admiral…

[Venomous silences Ozy with a mere glance.]

OZY McCOOL:&#160 …uh, right.&#160 Forgot for a second.&#160 Sorry.

Back in Dallas, they could only manage six field goals.&#160 But that was BD (Before DeMarco).&#160 Dallas has gotten better since then, while Warshington’s gotten worse.

I’m actually pulling for Dallas in this one, since you will never – ever – catch me pulling for the Foreskins.

We’re back Monday for the recap.&#160 In the meantime, Rock Chalk visits Texas A&M, and I don’t think even A&M will be able to blow this&#160 lead.&#160 And Bucky will travel to Champaign and run roughshod all over the Illini.

So, as we exit, my question for HDD this week is…would you rather play in UIllinois’ regular stadium…or in Wrigley Field?

A couple of days after being told by a judge that no, pitching tents & fits just off City Hall isn’t&#160 in the Constitution, the Occupussies in Dallas had their makeshift camp torn down.

Needless to say, they – and some of their supporters – aren’t too happy.

(ED. NOTE:&#160 This is part of the Dullest Moaning Snooze’s “protected content”, meaning you have to pay money to see it online.&#160 Sorry, I’m not paying hard-earned money for the DMN’s shit.&#160 The link is where you’ll find the comment I’m about to fisk.)

{feralcat} The government has the ability, through use of police force, to disperse protestors. This doesn’t make it right. Fortunately, the police power of the city of Dallas still doesn’t trump the First Amendment and the movement against the corporate control of government will not be silenced, in Dallas or anywhere else in the nation.

Y’know, you lazy-assed leftard pussies, it occurs to this&#160 writer that you should be on your knees thanking those who exercise “police force” for keeping your skank asses safe.

Consider this:&#160 There are any number of right-thinking types, like yours truly, who would salivate at the chance to match up with you folks.

You have your little homemade maces, nails embedded in spikes; you have your rocks, sticks, bricks, concrete blocks and your “up twinkles” and shit.

My side has .45s, .357s (both sigs & Magnums), .50s, .380s, 12-gauges & 30.06s.

And really, the only things keeping us from using those tools to sweep you back into your mommies’ basements are the fact that:&#160 1) it’s illegal, and 2) those same police about whom you’re kvetching are busy enforcing point 1).

(Note I haven’t said that the aforemetioned tools would actually, y’know, be fired – I tend to think that the sight of several dozen armed patriots advancing on you Occudoches would be enough to make you piss your pants, turn & high-tail it outta there.)

Somehow, I think your odds are somewhat less than scintillating.&#160 Y’know?

Just sayin’, is all.

Anytime you Occutards grow a set.

(Hat tip:&#160 Allahpundit, via Fox News & Little Green Malkinballs)

Denizens, remember about six months ago when I declared Newt the Gingrinch’s presidential aspirations to be all but dead?

There’s an extremely maddening quality to Newt Gingrich: Every time he gets some momentum going and you think he might be an okay guy to vote for, he goes, sticks his size 13s in his mouth and makes you remember that he’s a libtard in RINO clothing.

Uh, oh.

Fox News poll: Gingrich 23, Romney 22, Cain 15

Yikes.

Eight.&#160 Seven.

The question has been asked – why am I doing a countdown?

Those of you who’ve been with me for any length of time at all know precisely what this is about – you know what time of year it is, and you know what happens RightAboutNow&#153.

Those of you who haven’t…well, why would I spoil the suspense?&#160 Where’s the fun in that?&#160

Nine.

…let me count the ways.

Arlington Heights 14, Birdville 13

TCU 36, at #5 Boise State 35

#19 Nebraska 17, at #12 Penn State 14

#18 Wisconsin 42, at UMinnesota 13

at Dallas 44, Buffalo 7

Heights couldn’t seem to make up its mind.&#160 Did they want it, or didn’t they?

Down 14-7 with 1:20 left to play, Birdville got to within one on an 8-yard touchdown pass from E.A. Northey to Tyler Klutts.

But Heights defensive end Demetri Webb came around the edge untouched and blocked the extra-point kick to keep the Hawks down 14-13.

Birdville had no timeouts remaining, and Yellow Jackets receiver Matt Lawry recovered the Hawks’ onside kick attempt.

Game over, right? Not even close.

Heights (9-2) lined up in the “Victory” formation, only to have quarterback Vincent Berrones fumble the snap, which Birdville recovered.

The Hawks (8-3) had the ball at the 50-yard line with 1:05 to go and managed to get to the Heights’ 37-yard line with 28 seconds remaining.

Just as it had done nearly the entire game, Heights’ defense stepped up at a critical moment as safety Chucky Lincoln picked off Northey’s pass over the middle to seal the win.

Call ’em the Cardiac Jackets.&#160 Or somesuch.

—

Montee Ball ran over, around & through the Golden Gophers, amassing 166 yards on 23 carries.&#160 Bucky outgained UMinne-haha, 451 to 156.

—

If everyone’s through gushing about how friggin’ courageous&#160 everybody was for even bothering to show up for the game, and how it was jutht tho touching&#160 how tha playerth all came out for that pwegame pwayer and oh it wath jutht tho thcrumptiouth, yumyumyumyumyum…fer Cthulu’s sake, can we get to the actual, you know, game&#160 now?

Rex Burkhead did okay (25 totes, 121 yards).&#160 No one else was all that spectacular – the Blackshirts managed not to screw up another one, and Taylor Martinez isn’t reminding anyone of the second coming of Turner Gill.

Still, as my old friend Polsk said, a W’s a W.&#160 (shrug)

—

Denizens, I admit – I didn’t watch a minute of TCU-Boise.&#160 Given what ARR GEE THREE!!!!!&#160 and SMUT had already done to this bunch, I wasn’t keen on seeing a threepeat.

And to be sure, the Frog secondary got torched a bit – it gave up TD passes of 22 & 54 yards in the 1st & 4th quarters, respectively, plus it let Bronco back D.J. Harper get loose for a 17-yard TD scamper.

But the Bronco secondary is a little banged up, and they were playing backups at the corner spots.&#160 And Casey Pachall took advantage.

Now, I’m still not enamored with 6’5″ quarterbacks – they tend to be statues (see “Testaverde, Vinny” and “Bledsoe, Drew”).&#160 But if the TCU offensive line can protect this kid…he’s got a bazooka for an arm.

Pachall threw for touchdown passes of 74, 75, 69, 2 and 25 yards (and the 2-yarder was preceded by passes of 35, 16 & 12 yards, respectively), then managed to get the ball to Josh Boyce for the last two-point conversion that provided the final margin.

Even then, the officiating tried to give the game back to Boise – a phantom pass-interference on 4th down gave the Broncos new life at midfield.&#160 (How much did the Mountain West wanna stick it to TCU?&#160 They must have imported some Conference USA refs for the game).

But a Dan Goodale field-goal attempt from 39 yards went wide right, and the Frogs now have their swagger back, and a win on which this group can hang its collective hat.&#160 This could be the win that gets the Frog program back into high gear.

—

Where has this&#160 team been?&#160 Has the light finally, at long last, come back on in Valley Ranch?

The Cowgirlz have put together three good games out of the last four.&#160 The long-missing running game appears to have returned (DeMarco Murray, 20 carries, 135 yards, 601 yards in his four starts).&#160 El Choko Romo, no longer having to put it all on his shoulders, was near perfect Sunday, 23-26-270 with three TDs and a QB rating of 148.4.

And the defense seems to be catching on, as well – they forced four turnovers (three picks, one a pick-six, and a fumble recovery) and got a sack of Ryan Fitzpatrick from Demarcus Ware.

And – dare I say it? – this stretch of good play all began when Montrae Holland replaced Bill Nagy in the starting lineup when Nagy went down for the season with a blown knee.&#160 That’s right – the same Montrae Holland against whom I was bitching when the team released Andre Gurode.&#160 Either I (and everyone else) was wrong about him, or getting cut was the wakeup call he needed.

One that seems to have spread to the entire roster.

—

In other games, Mizzou embarrassed TU, 17-5, Navy embarrassed SMUT at home, 24-17, and even lowly Rock Chalk extended ARR GEE THREE!!!&#160 and the rest of the Baylor Pandas to OT before falling, 30-31.

All in all, it’s enough for another Perfect Football Weekend&#153 (and I’m gonna count the Cowboy victory for the fact that they finally seem to be depending on someone other&#160 than El Choko for their offensive success, plus the fact that Penn State lost).&#160 Who needs Executive Fiat&#153 when your teams play this well?&#160

This week:&#160 5-0.&#160 Perfect Football Weekend achieved (5).&#160 Overall:&#160 43-11.

The PFW will return Friday, when we report on a non-football tradition that’s kinda cool.

And on this, the 49th anniversary of that moment in Time, Space & Dimension&#153 that caused my enemies to shudder & tremble in abject fear & loathing, dreading the hour that my lightsaber would find its mark upon their throats (grin)…

…I, Darth Venomous, the Dark Lord of the Realm of Reality&#153, give you – The Six Or Seven Who Haven’t Died Of Boredom From Reading this Site&#153 – a birthday present of my very own.

And that present is…a Countdown&#153!!!!!&#160

Ten.

Think I’m going to make this a regular feature:&#160 Stupid-assed commercials.

Yeah, well, y’know what, Nissan?&#160 Everything doesn’t&#160 run on gas.&#160 Or electric, for that matter.

Those things that need gas to run, have gas to run.&#160 And those that don’t, have electric.

And things are just fine that way, dumbasses.

Quit trying to push a technology on us that isn’t ready for prime-time, just to satisfy a gaggle of Gaia-humping pusstards.

Or should I go elsewhere to buy my next car?

Asshats.

Thank you.

Denizens, welcome to this week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153.

Arlington Heights gets its season ended by Birdville tonight, fifth-ranked Smurf Turf Douchebag State proves once again it can’t beat TCU without their so-called “trickeration” (they’ll win, but they’ll have to use trick plays to do so), sixth-ranked Oklahoma has the week off, so we’ll plug in 18th-ranked Wisconsin at UMinne-haha, 19th-ranked Nebraska is at 12th-ranked Penn State, and Dallas has Beefalo at home on Sunday.

And I’m not pontificating on the games this weekend, because I’ve got a Red Curtain o’ Blood&#153 covering my eyes RightAboutNow&#153, and a certain Filipina bitch – not to mention a lot of other Lame-Assed Media&#153 types – are at the top of my shit list.

Some background.&#160 A damned good man lost his job today, and he lost it for the CARDINAL, UNFORGIVABLE SIN!!!!11!!!ONE!!1!ELEVENTYMILLION!!1!…of following Pennsylvania state law.

I refer, of course, to Joe Paterno.

For the first time in almost a half-century, someone other than Joe Paterno is calling the shots at Penn State.

The winningest coach in major college football history was fired Wednesday night

A good man is now persona non grata&#160 with a great many shitheaded asshats around this country simply because he followed Pennsylvania state law and delivered a second-hand report from an underling about a criminal incident that he did not personally witness.&#160 Paterno went to his athletic director, as he should have done, and reported what he had been told.&#160 Yet, he is being treated as a pariah by those of the Fifth Column&#153 who think they’re entitled to be the moral arbiters of us all.

And whether Joe Paterno was initially told the lurid specifics of that 2002 rape or not, the reports that say that Jerry Sandusky still had access to the locker room, still had an office, and still was entitled to roam the Penn State campus defy all definitions of responsible adult behavior.

What does it take for someone, knowing Sandusky’s questioned past, to go to somebody in charge — the athletic director, the school president, the police — and ask, “What’s that pervert doing near this football team?”

Instead, having failed to expel one-time assistant coach and defensive coordinator Sandusky, the people at Penn State tried to pull a rug over the situation.

Because they could.

What, because you&#160 say so, Gil LeBretard?&#160 And pray tell, what gives you the right to pass judgment over Joe Paterno?&#160 Or any of us, for that matter?

And then there’s that Filipina skank, Michelle “Malicious” Malkin.

And now, it’s college football. The failures to act, the cover up, the rationalizations all echo each other — and also mirror the institutionalized failures, cover ups, and rationalizations of Catholic Church officials who enabled pedophiles to prey on innocent young victims entrusted to their care and oversight across the country.

The systemic enabling of child sexual predators is an unspeakable evil. So is willful ignorance about the sordid details of the case.

The latest developments? It looks like Joe Paterno will get off and get out easy.

Yeah, Malicious?&#160 Tell me – when do you get your&#160 comeuppance for what you did to Rick Perry, hm?&#160 When do you get shunned and frog-marched (as you apparently want to do with JoePa) for whining & sniveling about Tina Brown’s “stupid photo tricks” against your honeygirl, Michelle Bachmann, then four days later did the exact same fucking thing to Governor Perry?

The point, skank, in case you can’t keep up:&#160 Who the hell appointed you, or anyone like you, to be the definitive moral arbiter of all of us?&#160 What gives you, or this pusstard excuse-for-a-police-commissioner Fwankie Noonan, any business to stand up there on a pedestal and say what any&#160 of us should&#160 do?&#160 WHO MADE YOU THE BOSSES OF US, YOU BASTARDS?!

And now Joe Paterno, who had a 61-year career setting the definitive example of how a football program, college, pro or otherwise, should be run, is treated as less than pond scum and unceremoniously dumped from a job he loved, all because a bunch of fuckheaded, asstastic piles of shit decided to impose their own moral values on him and say he should&#160 have done something a lot of them probably wouldn’t have had the balls to do themselves in his stead?

Ever noticed how the same ones who snivel, piss & moan about Christians supposedly imposing their values on others suddenly decide it’s okay for them&#160 to do so when it involves their own&#160 half-assed excuses-for-values being imposed.

Fuck ’em.&#160 Just fuck all&#160 of ’em.&#160

UPDATE:&#160 Oh, and not to put too&#160 fine a point thereupon (and yes, I know this doesn’t mean shit to anyone outside this blog – give me credit for still realizing the world doesn’t revolve around me)…from this point forward into perpetuity, a Perfect Football Weekend&#153 will be declared on the spot, regardless of how the rest of my teams do, anytime Penn State gets its ass handed to them.

Meaning, for example, that if Nebraska wins this weekend, it’s an automatic PFW, even if I go 0-4 with the other squads.

Fuck you, Penn State “trustees”.&#160 I wouldn’t trust you now with my shit, much less my kid.

Call it “Great Coordinator/Shitty Head Coach Syndrome”.

Arlington Heights 14, Dunbar 26

TCU 31, at Wyoming 20

#6 Oklahoma 41, at Texas A&M 25

at #10 Nebraska 25, Northwestern 28

at Dallas 23, Seattle 13

Well, well, well.&#160 Looks like some&#160 Stop Six football team watched a little of the Southwest-Heights game film last week.

Bomb, bomb, bomb.&#160 None of them fewer than 27 yards (hey, that’s not bad for a HS quarterback).

Nice going, Ged Kates, you dumbass.&#160 You get to end your season on the Jackets’ first two-game losing streak in at least five years in a couple of days.&#160 If I were the FWISD sports director, I’d reassign your ass now.

—

Well, Denizens?&#160 What’d I Tell Ya&#153 about A&M???

A&M will give OU headaches the first half, then get blown away in the second. No worries.

No worries, indeed.&#160 28 third-quarter points turned a 13-10 squeaker into the expected laugher.&#160 Two late Aggie touchdowns (when OU had basically stopped caring all that much) made it look a lot closer than it was.

—

Looks like the Cowgirl faithful is starting to agree with me re:&#160 El Choko.

3rd & goal, 2nd quarter, El Choko goes back to pass, sees nothing, takes off up the middle – and gives himself up around the 2.

Cowgirl faithful:&#160 “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Seahags being the Seahags, though, tied it at 6 towards the end of the first half, then Dallas made the adjustments it needed and put up 17 unanswered.&#160 Game was never really in doubt – these are&#160 the Seahags, after all.

Give Seattle credit for one thing, though:&#160 They watched tape, too – of how Philthy gashed the Cowgirl defense on the ground.&#160 Marshawn Lynch – 23 carries, 135 yards.

DeMarco Murray had another nice game – 139 yards on 22 carries plus 4 catchs for 47 yards.&#160 Felix who?

—

Gary Patterson has a plethora of running backs at his disposal – Ed Wesley, Matthew Tucker, Waymon James, Aundre Dean, and so on.

So you figure that, if one of them is being a complete clusterfuck that day, he can sit that back down and go to another one.&#160 Right?

Hello, Matthew Tucker.&#160 Dipwad fumbles inside the red zone – inside the 5, for Cthulu’s sake – not once, but twice.

Not only that, Pachall threw a pick at the 10 when they should’ve scored near the end of the half.

WTF?

Seriously, this game should’ve wound up something like 52-20 or sum’pin’.

Oh, well, not to worry.&#160 Wyoming’s better this year than most other years, but it still wasn’t good enough to beat the Frogs.&#160 After spotting the Pokes a 10-7 lead, and a halftime tie, TCU shut ’em down the rest of the way, save for a field goal in the third.

Pachall 17-24-227, Waymon James 181 yards on 22 carries, Ed Wesley (who himself lost a fumble) 19 carries, 120 yards, and Butterfingers Tucker even had 90 yards his own self.&#160 Not a bad day at the office.

—

Dave Campo.&#160 Norv Turner.&#160 Les Steckel.&#160 Wade “Coach Stay-Puf” Phillips.

All good coordinators on either side of the ball.&#160 All lousy head coaches.

Add Bo Pelini to that list.

A shitty Northwestern Wildcat team came into Lincoln and fucking had its way&#160 with the Huskers.&#160 Especially on offense.

With its backup quarterback.

Second-string quarterback Kain Colter ran for two touchdowns and passed for another as Persa cheered him on from the sideline.

[…]

Persa injured his left shoulder in the second quarter when he was slammed to the ground by defensive end Eric Martin. Persa tried to play a couple more series, but he was on the sideline with his left arm in a sling after halftime.

Hell, even the third-string quarterback&#160 had his way with ’em.

Colter, who typically shares playing time with Persa at quarterback, took all but four snaps in the second half. He ran for 58 yards and completed four of six passes for 115 yards. Third-string quarterback Trevor Siemian came in and went 3 of 4 for 67 yards.

I think I’ve seen enough of Bo Pelini as a head coach.&#160 This guy ain’t gonna return Nebraska to prominence.&#160 Not in the Big Ten, not in the Big XII – not ever.

This week:&#160 2-3 (El Choko’s win counts as a loss).&#160 Overall:&#160 38-11.

The PFW will return tomorrow, when we mark the end of Arlington Heights’ season.

In case anyone was watching, yes the local area offbase did suffer damage from two reported tornadoes this afternoon. Freak thunderstorm rolled through heading northeast out of the local area and apparently was looking for the red ruby slippers again. No reports of major destruction, but a tornado is rare down here (even more so when it’s so far out of tornado season in general)….unless there’s a hurricane out taking a walk in the park.

No damage onbase. Heck we got all of about 5 drops of rain. One reported household “accident” did occur. The Generalette insists we invest in a pair of “Thundershirts” for each of the base mascots. I’m tending to agree with her because the cleanup detail has gone past annoying.

On another note, Darth you will want to get that rust bucket of a ship swept, mopped, and hopefully deodorized before the 25th. The Generalette and I will be venturing your direction and of course this requires the requisite inspection tour. Our main purpose is to actually visit the spectacle known as “Jonesmahall”, but we will make sure you’ve marginally kept that wizard and the Klingon in line for another year.

Dismissed&#153

To: His Nastiness Darth Venemous

From: The Vicar

Date: 7 November 2011

Re: Spatula City Community

Will our old friends from the LENS/LESS days be joining us here?