Denizens & LCs, we’ll start off this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend with a question:  If I told you that a Texas team laid an ass-whipping on Baltimore, 30-3, you’d think football, wouldn’t you?  You’d think to yourself, “Man, Brian Billick, Ray Lewis and the rest of those goons got their heads handed to them by the Cowboys.”  Some of you would even break out in happy dances, I’ll bet.    And you’d think it was the Cowboys, because the Houston Texannes…snx…the Texans…snxxxnxxxxx…the Tex…BWAHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!11~
Sorry, got carried away there for a second. Where was I…?  Ah, yes…
You’d be wrong.  Not only about the teams involved, but about the sport itself.  As you probably know by now, the Texass stRangers destroyed the Baltimore Orioles last night in the first game of a doubleheader, setting the modern record for runs scored in a single game by a single team (they also set the record for runs scored in a doubleheader, as they won the nightcap, 9-7).  Down 3-0 in the opener, they roared back on the strength of two grand-slam homers, two three-run shots, and 7 RBIs apiece from the bottom two slots in the batting order.
“Damn”, as former FlaState footballer Ron Simmons would say.
Which brings us around to football.  Tonight, Lefty Leftwich & the Jacksonville Jaguars visit the frozen rain-soaked tundra of Lambeau Field to take on Ancient Mariner™ Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers.  Fox has the game with its #2 team, which means you’ll probably see more of Tony Siragusa than you really wanted to. 
Tomorrow night, CBS brings us a rematch of Super Bowl…uh, Super Bowl…
AUGUSTUS:  XXXVIII
LSIK&T:  Oh, yeah, right.  38.  Thanks, Augie.
AUGUSTUS:  !%@(#!#(#$(#%@*@!!!!!!!!
(He hates it when I call him “Augie”.  Which is, of course, why I do it.    )
Anyway, it’s a rematch of Super Bowl 38 as the Pats go to Carolina.  Jake Delhomme & company haven’t looked all that great to start, but good things are being predicted for the Pats this year.  Rumors that NE QB Tom Brady was having a customized papoose-pak made for him were unsubstantiated at press time.
Speaking of the Cowboys (and the Tex-annes, for that matter), they’ll hook up Saturday night in Houston.  It’ll be interesting to see how former Atlanta backup QB Matt Schaub fares behind that sieve of an offensive line (the guess from here is that you could put The World’s Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever!!!™, Donna McFlabb, behind that line and he’d get killed).
Speaking of Team Clunky Soup©, they’ll join Madden, Michaels and the NBC Sunday Night crew in Pittsburgh for another intrastate matchup vs. Ben Rothelisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Pitt has its third head coach in the last forty years – dammitall, can’t Art Rooney get some stability  into that franchise? 
Speaking of Hotlanta, we’ll round out the weekend Monday night with the Falcons hosting the Cincinnati Bengals (it should  be on ESPN, but it’s not on the schedule, but why would it be on Monday night otherwise?).  The over/under for this game is six felony convictions.
We’re back Tuesday for the recap.  In the meantime, feel free to discuss Atlanta replacing Michael Vick with…Joey Harrington??? 
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