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“In the year 2036, the New United Nations declared that no Earth Citizen could be made to answer for the crimes of their race or forebearers…”

-Data, to Q, “Encounter at Farpoint, Part I”, Star Trek:&#160 The Next Generation,&#160 1988

Let’s get one thing straight, okay?&#160 I am not responsible for the actions of my father, Bill Crager, nor his father, Grady Rook Crager.&#160 And I am not responsible for the actions of his&#160 father, Archie Crager, nor for his&#160 father.

So it follows that I’m sure as Hell&#153 not responsible for anything my ancestors circa 1865&#160 did, right?

So would someone please tell me why Wachovia Bank has now apologized for the findings of a 111-page report that they just wasted untold tens of thousands of their customer’s dollars preparing?

Wachovia Corporation has apologized for its ties to slavery after disclosing that two of its historical predecessors owned slaves and accepted them as payment.

Charlotte, N.C.-based Wachovia (down $0.27 to $51.08, Research) issued a 111-page report to comply with a Chicago ordinance that requires companies that do business with the city to disclose whether they profited from slavery, which ended in the United States in 1865.

Y’know, if I had been the president of Wachovia, I believe I would’ve told the aldermen of Chicago to go take a flying leap into Lake Michigan.&#160 The excuse-for-a-city of Shit-cago has waaaaaaaay too many problems on its hands – crime, potholes, government corruption and the Green Bay Packers amongst them – to be wringing its collective hands in angst over whether a company that wasn’t even in business in its present incarnation 140 years ago&#160 ever profited from the institution of slavery.

“On behalf of Wachovia Corporation, I apologize to all Americans, and especially to African-Americans and people of African descent,” said Ken Thompson, Wachovia chairman and chief executive officer, in the statement released late Wednesday. “We are deeply saddened by these findings.”

Mr. Thompson, were I a customer of your linguini-spined corporation, my steel-toed boot would be insisting upon an audience with your “deeply saddened” ass and demanding to know why my money was being pissed down the drain on this 111-page pile of birdcage liner.

Did it ever occur to any of your high-falutin’ muckety-mucks that maybe – just maybe&#160 – Shit-cago didn’t have the balls to enforce this pithy little “ordinance”?&#160 And that if it had, it would have been the laughingstock of the country?&#160 Or do you folks regularly bend over and grab your ankles for every whiny little group of morons who come and complain about minutiae?

Historians at the History Factory, a research firm specializing in corporate archival work, found that the Georgia Railroad and Banking Company and the Bank of Charleston — institutions that ultimately became part of Wachovia through acquisitions — owned slaves, Wachovia said in the statement.

Records revealed that the Georgia Railroad and Banking Company owned at least 162 slaves, Wachovia said, and that the Bank of Charleston accepted at least 529 slaves as collateral on mortgaged properties or loans. The Bank of Charleston also acquired an undetermined number of people when customers defaulted on their loans.

(yawn) Can anyone tell me why this is news?&#160 Did we run out of fires, earthquakes or drive-by clown-seltzer-sprayings to cover or something?

“We know that we cannot change the past, and we can’t make up for the wrongs of slavery,” said Thompson.

Then why the Hell&#153 are you bleating about it, you damnfool?????

“But we can learn from our past, and begin a stronger dialogue about slavery and the experience of African-Americans in our country.” “We want to promote a better understanding of the African-American experience, including the unique struggles, triumphs and contributions of African-Americans, and their important role in America’s past and present,” he added.

Oh, great.&#160 Another “oh-pweeeze-don’t-boycott-meeeeeee” doofus who wants to grovel at the feet of the Rrrrrrrev’rnnnnnnd Jack’s’nnnnnnnnnnnn.

And is it just me, or does anyone else get the impression that those idiots who are still doing business with them after this, are going to have the honor&#160 of paying for this “dialogue” and this “better understanding”?

The announcement comes as a handful of cities nationwide propose initiatives requiring banks and other large companies to investigate and disclose ties to slavery.

Along with Chicago, Richmond, Va., Philadelphia and Los Angeles also require companies that do business within city limits to disclose financial ties with slavery. City council members in Berkeley, Calif., proposed an ordinance this week that would nullify city contracts with companies that do not acknowledge past practices that aided slavery.

There’s your list, Denizens.&#160 Four cities with whom you should cut as many ties as you can.&#160 Four cities that can kiss my lily-white cracker ass, AFAIC.

Lawsuits have also been filed over the past few years by descendents of slaves, who seek billions of dollars in reparations from companies for their ties to slavery. These companies include R.J. Reynolds (up $0.29 to $82.90, Research) and Aetna (down $0.12 to $78.73, Research).

Yeah, but have you heard of any of them succeeding???&#160&#160 That is, when the company sued didn’t come right back with a countersuit for harassment? (Yeah, I know, I know – “dream on, Spats”, ayup… )

Fellow banking giant J.P. Morgan (down $0.39 to $35.37, Research) released a similar disclosure in January, also in order to comply with Chicago’s slavery ordinance, bank spokesman Tom Kelly told CNN/Money.

After revealing that a predecessor institution in Louisiana used slaves as collateral, JP Morgan apologized for its ties to slavery, and established a $5 million college scholarship program for African-American students from Louisiana.

Yet another limp-dicked company bequeathing yet another “entitlement” on yet another group of people who did yet another goose-egg to earn it.

And we watch in amazement and wonder why people bitch and moan when they’re not handed what they want on a silver platter.

The Chicago ordinance, which went into effect January 2003, was designed, “to promote full and accurate disclosure to the public about any slavery policies sold by any companies, or profits from slavery by other industries (or their predecessors) who are doing business with the city.”

Oh, that is such&#160 bullshit.&#160 This half-assed excuse-for-a-city ordinance was specifically designed for one thing and one thing only:&#160 Make all white men everywhere, for generations past and generations to come, feel guilty for something over which they had/have no fucking control.

Pull that&#160 pile of putrid nonsense with someone else – it doesn’t fly in this&#160 Realm&#153.

There is no penalty for companies that disclose they had ties to slavery, but as with any disclosure, companies that make false statements can have their contract with the city voided.

How about companies that tell these pisspot aldermen to go pound sand?&#160 I’d pay whatever real money I had to see just one company tell Shit-cago to stick it right back up its ass.

Wachovia has made the full research report available on its Web site, and said it plans to partner with community organizations to further awareness of African-American history.

Not this&#160 community, ya fuckheads.&#160 Here’s one&#160 citizen that’ll stand up to you and say that you have your collective head up your collective ass.

Fucknozzles…

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6 responses to “Wachovia, aka “First National Bank of Invertebrates””

1. David Hartung says:

   June 3, 2005 at 9:34 pm

   First you cause me to sew all over my monitor, and then you melt it down!! You trying to force me to buy a new plasma monitor? 🙂

2. David Hartung says:

   June 3, 2005 at 9:35 pm

   Okay, so I can’t spell “spew”! 8)

3. Alan K. Henderson says:

   June 4, 2005 at 12:23 am

   I would like to apologize for all my ancestors who:
   -Voted for that socialist Stalin-appeaser Franklin D. Roosevelt.
   -Didn’t lobby Washington to get Russia to sell more of its turf after that Alaska deal.
   -Supported George III during the Revolutionary War.
   -Sided with the Luddites during the Industrial Revolution.
   -Supported James II during the Glorious Revolution.
   -Didn’t learn how to use all that advancd Roman technology before kicking the Romans out of Britain.

4. Um Yeah says:

   June 5, 2005 at 1:52 pm

   [Shitcliffe, if you can’t come say it to my face, don’t expect to air your bullshit here.&#160 Got that, you cowardly little punkette?&#160 -LSI]

   THE RIGHT-THINKERS ASSAULT ON MY FAMILY OF SITZPINKLERS

   I’ve noticed more and more lately, that if you accuse my mommy or daddy of being my parents they become quite angry, as though you’ve just told them to go straight to hell. They begin to twitch and spasm, their faces turn several shades of red, and on more than one occasion I’ve wondered if their fury would turn to violence and they’d throw me back in the basement with Gramma again.

   Intolerance by my parents toward me hasn’t received attention by the Left-Winged asshat media or the blogosphere, but it’s there and it has been growing. Take for example the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler that laughs at me and calls me “asshole” at every opportunity.

   Gee, you’re a poster child for tolerance Spatula, except when it comes to people who don’t have an ounce of gray matter between their ears. For that eggregious offence [ED. NOTE: (sp)] there can be no tolerance obviously. Spatula then goes on to display just how rooted his intolerance of pricks like me really is.

   That’s right, anyone who has my IQ is a damnfool just like me. I am so crazed and intolerant that I cannot even accept the fact that I bathe in my granny’s colostomy bag. But that’s not surprising since this is typical of the kind of bullshit you expect from a shithead like me.

   This intolerance isn’t limited to the Blogosphere either. No one likes me in my Romper Room class, either. I guess it’s ’cause I dump all my dandruff on my desk. Or maybe it’s because I’m a sitzpinkler like my daddy before me.

   You see, in the world of the Sitzpinkler, there is simply no room for anyone who is man enough to stand up to pee. We all have to be effeminate little wussies like me and my daddy.

   It’s clear that I’ll never be much of a man, seeing as I’m a little nancy boy that can’t stand up to pee-pee, but I for one will not be cowed into standing up to piss by their hatred of candy-asses like me, or their bullying.

5. Elephant Man says:

   June 6, 2005 at 4:28 am

   Wachovia is actually First Union bank.

   First Union swallowed up Wachovia last year and took their name because “First Union” was becoming synonymous with “poor customer service”.

   So, does this report deal with the “doins'” of the “old” Wachovia or the “old” First Union?

   If this report deals with the “old” Wachovia bank before it was swallowed up by First Union, then it’s meaningless since the “old” Wachovia bank no longer exists except in name only.

6. JonB says:

   June 8, 2005 at 1:19 pm

   Hrm. well, I was on the edge of dumping Wacko-via anyhow. Seems like I have a good reason now when they ask me why I’m closing my accounts.