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The Department of Ambulance-Chasers On Parade&#153 brings us this Banal Basket of Bogus-tude&#153 about a guy who blew his brains out over a car.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Must not have noticed that the light had changed.

LSIK&T:&#160 (spew!!!!!)&#160

KORRIOTH:&#160 Shore leave for this man!&#160 Shore leave!!!

LSIK&T:&#160 (still doubled over) Muah-hahahaha…(gasp…!!!) Granted.&#160 Ozy, get thee to a sanatarium posthaste.&#160 Or Risa, whichever comes first.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 &#160 Thank you, m’lieges.&#160 See you in a couple weeks.

…okay, where were we?

An East Texas car dealership has settled a lawsuit filed by the widow of a man who killed himself after dropping out of the business’ “Hands on a Hardbody” contest.

What was this?&#160 First prize is a pickup; second prize, a few hundred thousand dollars from a judgement?

MERLIN:&#160 What was third prize?&#160 Half of Bill Gates fortune?

LSIK&T:&#160 One wonders, doesn’t one?

Details of the settlement between Patterson Nissan and Chalala Gutierrez, the wife of contestant Richard Thomas Vega II, will be confidential.

They’d damn well better be, I’d think.&#160 Otherwise, potential customers might take to suing them for tripping over their own shoelaces during test drives.

Court documents show damages sought in the lawsuit included funeral costs, lost income of about $600,000 and court costs.

MERLIN:&#160 How much of that is gonna go back home to support la familia???

KORRIOTH:&#160 Did anyone bother checking to see if she’s even permitted to be here?

LSIK&T:&#160 Probably not.&#160 That’d be so racist, don’tcha know?

Attorney Adam Allen said the dealership was happy with the result.

C.D. “Chuck” Cowan, one of the attorneys representing Gutierrez, said the settlement resolved all the allegations in the lawsuit.

Hey, I gotcha resolution right here:&#160 Dealership pays the bimbo nothing, and then sues the trollop and has her ass thrown in the hoosegow for filing a freakin’ frivolous lawsuit!&#160 How’s that for a resolution?

MERLIN:&#160 Won’t work.&#160 Makes too much sense.

The suit, settled late Thursday, focused on the contest in which the person who kept their hand on the vehicle the longest won a Nissan truck and other prizes.

Vega dropped out of the 2005 endurance contest just before a scheduled rest break 48 hours into the event.

Okay, it’s tough and a damned shame ‘n all, but endurance contests aren’t for everyone.&#160 It’s not a catastrophe to lose an iron-man contest like that, is it?

Apparently for this guy, it was:

Witnesses and law officers say Vega crossed the street and broke into a Kmart, where he took a gun from a case and shot himself.

Okay, so what we’ve got here is an East-Texas looney tune.&#160 He ain’t the first, nor will he be the last.&#160 And the dealership is supposed to pay for that?

Gutierrez alleged in her suit that the dealership was negligent in organizing and conducting the contest. She said the dealership failed to “provide a safe environment for contestants” and did not provide personnel to restrain contestants who “temporarily lost their sanity.”

Someone should have up-front told this bitch that:&#160 a) you can’t lose something you never had in the first place, and b) apparently whatever insanity it was is contagious, because now she’s&#160 got it.

The lawsuit likened Vega and other contestants’ stress and sleep deprivation from the contest to ‘brainwashing.’

Oh, that is such bullshit.&#160 If that was the case, how come no one else in the contest went and took their own lives, as well?

This is why society can’t have fun anymore – because there’s always some professional offended people&#160 seemingly under every rock, and an anbulance-chasing pissweasel champing at the bit to represent them and try to pilfer from the deep pockets.

This Cupid Stunt&#153 needs to have her ass thrown back across the border (whether it came from there or not), and her fuckstick of an attorney strung up by the thumbs.

Stupid-assed dumbshit motherfuckers.&#160

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