Yes, Denizens - I know it's Cafe Press. Yes, I know that they're a liberal-owned company. Yes, I'm aware that the quality of their garments may not be quite as good as ThoseShirts.com.
But unlike ThoseShirts.com, Cafe Press ACTUALLY ANSWERS THE EMAIL I SEND THEM!!!!
Got clue, ThoseShirts???
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A train set! Cool!
Thanks, Dad!
Thank you, Algore.
(snicker)
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The first official Perfect Football Weekend™ of the year ki…uh, wait a minute.
VENOMOUS:  You guys ready?
MERLIN:  Ready, Admiral?
VENOMOUS:  Yes.  Ready.  C’mon, where is everybody?
KORRIOTH:  Whatever do you mean, m’liege?
T-BONE MCMANX:  Ready for what, Your Rudeness™?
VENOMOUS:  Gentlemen.  I would think you would know the drill by now.  Especially  since I’ve nearly electrocuted the lot of you a couple times over it.
OZY MCCOOL:  Over what, O Tyrannical One?
RAYEGUN:  Is there something for which we should have prepared ourselves, ol’ buddy?
THE SPATULAGODDESS:  Really, hon, you’re becoming pretty paranoid these days.
THE VICAR:  So why all the angst, my friend?
VENOMOUS:  Fine.  Whatever.
The first official Perfect Football Weekend™ of the year…(sigh)…kicks off…
ALL:  CORRRRRRRRRRRRR-NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…!!!!!1!!!ONE!!!1!!ELEVENTYMILLION!!!1!!1!
VENOMOUS:  (headpalm)
…with the story of what used to be a good television station that now seems to have descended into tabloid journalism.
As any of you who follow football know, the NCAA handed down the so-called “death penalty” to SMUT back in 1987, as a result of an investigation launched by WFAA Channel 8 (the local ABC affiliate here in Dallas).  Channel 8’s investigation is credited with getting the guillotine started on its downward trajectory towards the old Shitland Pony program.
Just a couple weeks ago, the Southlake Carroll “hah skrewl” (a little Rush lingo, there) program suffered a serious setback when its quarterback, transfer Daxx Garman, was ruled ineligible to play this year.  Again, it was a WFAA story that led the charge against this young man.
Sensing blood in the water, two weeks later WFAA ran a so-called “gotcha!” piece against Euless Trinity and the aforementioned Southlake Carroll, accusing each of having coaches supervising players during what’s known as a “7-on-7” drill, in supposed violation of an University Interscholastic League rule.  (And an unconstitutional one, if I do say so myself – or can we no longer “peaceably assemble” where we please?)
So let’s see if we have this straight: We got congress-skank Eddie Bernice Johnson illegally steering college scholarships to friends & family; a goober-natorial candy-date who was against  term-limits before he suddenly got religion about ’em; a Dallas County jail that finally passes a state inspection in a glowing  tribute to an incompetent lezbo excuse-for-a-sheriff – and A.H. Belo’s television station can’t come up with anything better to investigate than possible  violations of UIL rules?  On allegations that are shaky, at best?
Goodbye & fuck off, Channel 8.  You’re no longer the news station of choice in the Realm™.  I can get my information elsewhere, thank you.
On to the PFW.  If it’s the first week of the season for Ged Kates and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, it must be Azle and their Hornets.  Game’s in Azle this year (Friday night), and on the road with a new coach, I have zero  idea how Heights will do.  Gimme the Jackets & 24.
The marquee game of the week will be about four blocks from Realm™ headquarters, as the 24th-ranked Oregon State Beavers come to Cowboys Stadium to take on the sixth-ranked Texas Christian Horned Frogs.  Gary Patterson’s boys have a ton to prove this year, and this’ll be a good way to start.  Frogs are favored by 13½, so naturally Ross Evans will have to win it at the end.
The rest of the college games are pretty much of the sacrificial lamb variety.  Bob Stoopes, Landry Jones and the seventh-ranked Oklahoma Sooners are playing host this weekend to Utah State (Vegas line:  OU by 34); eighth-ranked Nebraska gets to feast on Western Kentucky in Lincoln (38-point home favorite), and Kansas gets to host – and no, I’m not kidding here – North Dakota State.  That’s gonna be so lopsided that Vegas didn’t even put out a line on it.  (See how they love you already, Turner Gill?)
Even 12th-ranked Bucky gets to get in on the act with a squash, though they’ll have to travel to Vegas to get it – they take on the UNLV Rebels, and they’re a 21-point road favorite.
Thursday night, the Dallas C’girls will be sitting their starters against the Miami Dolphins at the Death Star™.  I probably shouldn’t watch, ’cause it’ll be P-U-Stun all over again, but I probably will.  (Someone  has t’ rip into ’em for ya.)
And there’s a bonus game this weekend in college.  There’s a new breed of Shitland Ponies on my go-fuck-yourselves list, and it’s overrated third-ranked overrated Smurf Turf State and their Broncettes.
They’re at 10th-ranked Virginia Tech Monday afternoon.  And Hokies – you had damned well best not let me down.  Run up the score on these bastards, and show the world just who the fuck they are.
Smurf Turf State is one of my anti-teams (meaning I pull for whoever’s playing them; I don’t care if it’s TU) – and, should Va Tech win the day, it’ll be a PFW, regardless of what the other seven teams do.
We’re back Tuesday for the recap.  In the meantime – stay safe out there on the road, HDD.
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8 responses to “PFW:  When “investigative reporting” goes too far”
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set about 1024x7681280x1024 with your Favorites windowactivated on the leftdeactivated. (At least until I can get a better handle on how WordPress works.)
(KORRIOTH: Oh, great. More wormholes.)
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You can use
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I find it amazing the things I have supposedly said! 🙂
I guess I should be thankful, when a southern Baptist starts “quoting” a Lutheran minister, there is no telling what is going to come out! 🙂
By the way, Mississippi State is a heavy favorite over the University of Memphis.
Poetic license. 😀
let’s see, when one thinks of your imaginative LENS/LESS posts, your vegetable alliterations, and now your ventures into the world of science fiction, poetry doesn’t exactly come to mind. Warped, insane and hilarious, yes, but poetry no. 8)
HAH! Not even!!!
I haven’t seen my royalties check yet…you think I work this for cookies and milk????
Yeah, you do. Read yer contract. 
What, no Lutheran beverage? 🙁
Well, I ain’t seen no cookies and milk neither!!!!
And while I’m in this OTC-cold-medicine-haze-induced-grumpiness….version 3.0.1 is out and we’re living in a 2.6.2 world?? I might as well be chiseling these words on limestone slates…..