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[SCENE:&#160 Aboard ISS Vengeance, in His Rudeness’ quarters.&#160 The Admiral is working his way through a massive hangover…]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Would you please&#160 tone it down, Narrator?!

[Of course, m’liege.&#160 I did&#160 try to warn you last night, though, did I not?]

VENOMOUS (nodding):&#160 Yeah, yeah, you did, I know.&#160 No worries, son, just…

[Lord Venomous’ nerves, already on edge, are suddenly rankled by the BZZZZZZT!!!&#160 of the door chime.&#160 In a fit of pique, he executes a flawless Force-throw as he screams at the door.

Nothing moves inside the cabin, but outside, we hear a very loud (though muffled) thump against the opposite bulkhead.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[The door slides open to reveal General Korrioth (slumped agaisnt the bulkhead), Merlin, Ozy, K’hadibak’h, T-Bone, plus more than a few Jawas & Bynars.]

MERLIN:&#160 Begging the Admiral’s pardon, sir, but…it’s time.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Uh…time?

KORRIOTH (standing in the doorway, having regained his senses):&#160 Time, sir.

{The Admiral ponders a moment, then enlightenment dawns.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Ah.&#160 Time.&#160 Of course.

[The crew breathes a noticeable sigh of relief.]

—

Denizens, the first official&#160 Perfect Football Weekend of the new year…kicks off…

ALL (including VENOMOUS):&#160 COOORRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!&#160

VENOMOUS:&#160 Good work, everyone.

…kicks off this weekend with the conclusion of the Johnny Football scandal.

Johnny Manziel will be suspended for the first half of this Saturday’s Rice game, according to Billy Liucci of TexAgs and confirmed by a bunch of other media outlets.

ESPN’s Brett McMurphy reports that the suspension “closes the book” on the Johnny Football autograph scandal, and that the NCAA is acknowledging that he never sold his autograph.

If the NCAA found that he accepted money for autographs, the penalty would have been longer.

According to Liucci, they could be punishing him under a secondary violation for allowing the use of his name for a commercial purpose.

Basically, what they’re saying is that they’re nailing Manziel for signing footballs that he should have known&#160 would probably likely&#160 be sold on the open market.

Maybe.

UPDATE:&#160 An explanation here.&#160 We have a concept in these here United States, known somewhat colloquially as innocent until proven guilty.&#160 Generally, it means something has to have happened that violates our laws, and that he/she whom would have perpetrated the illegal deed must have been proven&#160 to have done it BEFORE&#160 punishment is to be handed down or implemented.

By punishing Manziel for something illegal that hasn’t happened, the NCAA is practicing “guilty until proven innocent – something which is blatantly un-Constitutional, and flagrantly deprives Manziel of his civil and Constitutional rights.

And to top it all off, the NCAA even admits that Manziel didn’t make any money from the signings.

A&M senior associate athletics director Jason Cook told USA TODAY Sports both the school and the NCAA found “there is no evidence Manziel received monetary reward in exchange for autographs.”

But the NCAA and the school agreed that student-athletes should know that when signing numerous autographs in one sitting, such autographs are likely to be sold for commercial purposes.

Which, I might remind you, hasn’t happened yet.&#160 Thus, no violation of any regulation has occured.

If I were Manziel, I’d’ve been on the horn to my attorney months ago.&#160 And I’d have the NoCojonesAtAll excuse-for-an-organization by the short hairs.

These buncha bastards are one sick joke.

Let’s get on with the football.&#160 It’s Week Zero in Texas hah skrewl&#160 (a little Rush lingo, there) football, and for my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, the Phillip Young Era&#153 is probably going to begin pretty much the same way the Todd Whitten Era&#153 did – with a massive squash at the hands of the Birdville Hawks.

The game’s in Fort Worth this year.&#160 So much for a home-field advantage.

Saturday, Gary Patterson’s 20th-ranked TCU Horned Frogs are at Cowboys AT&T Stadium (damn you, Owner Jethro) to entertain the 12th-ranked LSU Tigers.

There’s this pussy roaming the Fort Worth Startlegram’s sports chat boards calls himself “USMC” that’s been crowing “Tiger Bait” all damned summer long.&#160 Probably won’t happen (TCU’s a 4&#189-point road dog), but I’d pay real money if the Frogs could shut down the Tigers – and ROTC the douchetard, as well.

Someone in my Intelligence Division is going to get their head handed them.&#160 I’m finding out only now that Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames are trailing in the 2nd quarter to the Kent State Golden Flashes, 0-7.

Vegas didn’t post a line, so, they’re expecting a major squash.&#160 The SpatulaLine&#153 is, therefore, 35 – keep it within that, Turner, and it’ll count.

Tonight, however, Gary Kubiak’s Houston Texans are coming here to the aforementioned AT&T Stadium (damn you, Owner Jethro) to take on the Dallas Cowgirlz.

Houston’s gonna play all their regulars, and Dallas is hardly gonna play any, so expect a monumental ass-kicking.&#160 However, it’s still preseason, so it won’t count in the overall record.

We’re back Sunday or Monday with the recap.&#160 In the meantime, given recent intelligence…I don’t give a shit where&#160 HDD is…

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