Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

(Originally posted at the Rott.)

[SCENE:&#160 Rott headquarters.&#160 The place is empty and the lights are out, the Brood&#153 having gone out en masse&#160 to cele…well, just keep reading, mkay?

An enormous shimmer of light appears in the living room.&#160 As it fades, we see several large masses materialize.&#160 (Well, several average-sized masses and one Jabba-sized lump.&#160 Gimme a break, I’m working on it, okay???)&#160&#160&#160]

TIBERIUS:&#160 Ow.&#160 I still feel all prickly.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Trust me.&#160 You get used to it.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 I&#160 never have.

MERLIN:&#160 That’s because you’re&#160 a certified wuss.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Hey…!!!

SPATS:&#160 Hush, all of you! (fumbles around in dark) I knew&#160 I should have brought the night-sights.

[We hear a crash.]

B.C.:&#160 OWWWWW!!!&#160 G-d…!!!!1

CALIGULA (putting hand over B.C.’s mouth):&#160 Shhhhh!!!!&#160 What if he left the Imperial Firearms Advisor to guard the place?

B.C.:&#160 Shit, man, would you for once&#160 in your life keep up?&#160 D’ya know where Kim is&#160 right now?

CALIGULA (hanging head):&#160 Sorry.

CLAUDIUS:&#160 C-c-can you h-h-hurry and f-f-f-find the light sw-sw-switch, Your-r-r-r R-R-R-Rudeness&#153?&#160 I’m s-s-s-starting to r-r-r-really g-get the c-c-c-creeps.

SPATS:&#160 Korrioth, kindly step away from Claudius, if you don’t mind.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Hmf.&#160 I never get to have any&#160 fun…

MERLIN:&#160 Are you sure you set us down in the right flat, m’Liege?

[About this time, Spats finds the light switch.&#160 He flips it, raises the lights and takes a look around.&#160 A number of toys are strewn about the floor (note to His Imperial Jack Bauer-ness:&#160 It’s artistic license – I know they’re more disciplined than that).&#160 He turns to look at his engineer emeritus.]

SPATS:&#160 You were saying…?

MERLIN:&#160 I hate it when you do that.

THE SPATULAGODDESS:&#160 We need to clean this place up pretty quickly, just in case they get home soon.&#160 [She starts into her Tasmanian Devil whirling-dervish routine (complete with the tornado special-effects and everything).&#160 Spats stops her before she can rip off his hand.]

SPATS:&#160 We’ll all&#160 help, love.&#160 Won’t we, B.C…?

B.C.:&#160 Now just wait a damned minute!&#160 Where’s it say that I take orders…

[Spats gestures to Merlin, who waves his magic wand and causes a beer to appear right before B.C.’s eyes]

B.C.:&#160 …where do I start?

[Scene: 15 minutes later.&#160 The living room is now nearly spotless (the SpatulaGoddess couldn’t quite stop at picking up toys, and pulled a complete dust-and-Pledge&#169 job on the place), and Our Heroes&#153 are standing around, admiring a job well done.]

TIBERIUS:&#160 Nice job, everyone.&#160 You especially, B.C.

B.C.:&#160 (burp)

TIBERIUS:&#160 Yer welcome…(sniff, sniff)…what in the name of Plato’s left nut is that smell???

PLATO:&#160 Well, it’s not my left nut!&#160 I at least&#160 took a bath before that infenal device of His Rudeness’ plucked me out of thin air!

SPATS:&#160 Bath…bath?&#160 (eyes his Klingon-Vulcan hybrid tactical officer warily) Korrioth, I told&#160 you to take a bath before we beamed down!

[Korrioth simply glares at Lord Spatula]

SPATS (shakes head disgustedly):&#160 Awright, here – use this.&#160 [tosses Korrioth a can of Axe&#169 body spray]

KORRIOTH:&#160 It’s not my usual.

SPATS:&#160 Axe doesn’t have it in “Landfill”.&#160 Just put it on, mkay?

[Just then, we hear the sound of a key in the lock]

SPATS:&#160 Shit!&#160 Everyone, behind the couch!&#160 Quick!!!

[Everyone dives behind the sofa just as the door opens.&#160 In walk Emporer Darth Misha I, his bride the lovely Empress and the Heirs&#153.

EMPRESS:&#160 Honey, didn’t I tell you to turn off the lights before we left?&#160 And where are all the kids’ toys?&#160 And who dusted the place?

DARTH MISHA I:&#160 I thought I did&#160 turn off…wait.&#160 What’s that smell?

[Behind the couch, Spats turns his head and glares at Korrioth.&#160 Korrioth just shrugs.&#160 In the meantime, Misha has pulled his Kimber and is looking to do somebody some Jack Bauer-style harm.&#160 At which point, the group is rather brusquely given away.]

B.C.:&#160 (braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!!!!!!!!!)

DARTH MISHA I (pointing gun at sofa with a menacing look on his face):&#160 Right, then.&#160 Very slowly, hands in the air, and… [Enlightenment dawns] …wait.&#160 I know that belch.&#160 B.C., how the hell did you get here, my friend?

[B.C. slowly peeks over the couch, followed in short order by Spats and the rest of the group.&#160 The Brood&#153’s eyes all widen significantly]

SPATS {with a very&#160 sheepish grin on his face):&#160 Uh…surprise???

LCs, in case you haven’t figured it out by now…today is Our Intrepid Leader’s Birfday&#153.&#160 And we should all wish His Imperial Dreadedness the happiest of happies and hopes for many, many more.

And that’s an order, in case you’re wondering.&#160 You, too, B.C.

B.C.:&#160 (belllch!!!)

SPATS:&#160

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISHA!!!!

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