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And now for something completely different…Good News!&#153

The Department of Up Your Ass, Baby Butchers! brings us this heartwarming tale of the bastiches at NOW getting their fat asses handed back to them by the Supreme Court.

WASHINGTON (AP) – The Supreme Court dealt a setback Tuesday to abortion clinics in a two-decade-old legal fight over abortion protests, ruling that federal extortion and racketeering laws cannot be used to ban demonstrations.

I can hear it from the pro-aborts now:&#160 “Oh, noooooooooooooo!!!!&#160 What ever&#160 are we gonna doooooooooooooooooooo?????&#160 WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!

The 8-0 decision ends a case that the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals had kept alive despite a 2003 ruling by the high court that lifted a nationwide injunction on anti-abortion groups led by Joseph Scheidler and others.

Which tends to make one wonder just what the Hell&#153 the 7th Circus has been smoking recently.

Feel free to go read the rest.&#160 It’s a great day for the pro-life movement in America.

Freedom of speech.&#160 What a novel concept.

And yet another fairly well-known actor has passed on.

Dennis Weaver, who made a name for himself on the long-running series “Gunsmoke”, and later on as the star of “McCloud”, has shuffled off this mortal coil.&#160 He, like Don Knotts, was 81.&#160 Earlier, actor Darren McGavin passed at the age of 83.

The “McCloud” series, which Weaver called his most satisfying, featured a New Mexican lawman working as a detective in New York City; Weaver was often portrayed as riding his horse on the streets of NYC – which may or may not have been the inspiration for Big & Rich’s lyric “Ridin’ up & down Broadway on my old stud Leroy…”

The Realm&#153 extends its condolences to Weaver’s family at this time.

He was the incredible Mr. Limpet.&#160 Luther Heggs in “The Ghost & Mr. Chicken”.&#160 The Shakiest Gun in the West.&#160 Hollis Alexander Figg – as in “How to Frame a…”.&#160 Ralph Furley in “Three’s Company”.

But of course, we all knew and loved him best as “Deputy Barney Fife” from “The Andy Griffith Show”, or anything even remotely having the slightest bit to do with Mayberry RFD.

Jesse Donald Knotts lost his battle with lung cancer Friday night in Los Angeles.&#160 He was 81.

Don Knotts was pretty much typecast as a lovable goofball with a nervous streak about him during his time with The Steve Allen Show in the late 1950s.&#160 He parlayed that into roles in the aforementioned movies (Limpet, Ghost, Figg), plus “The Reluctant Astronaut” and Disney’s “Apple Dumpling Gang” with Tim Conway.

But it was as Barney Fife that his fans will always remember him…

a fully realized stooge, a hick-town Don Quixote who imagined himself braver, more sophisticated and more competent than he actually was. His utter lack of self-control led him into desperate jams that usually culminated with Fife at the end of his rope, bug-eyed and panting with anxiety. Sheriff Taylor allowed his deputy to carry just one bullet, which he was obliged to keep separate from his service revolver due to past trigger mishaps.

Asked how he developed his most famous character, Knotts replied in a 2000 interview: “Mainly, I thought of Barney as a kid. You can always look into the faces of kids and see what they’re thinking, if they’re happy or sad. That’s what I tried to do with Barney. It’s very identifiable.”

Thank you, Don, for entertaining us all for over half a century.&#160 You will be very much missed.

There has to be a new virus or something going around that makes religious figures seem like they’re losing their marbles.&#160 Maybe we’ll call it “Pat Robertson Syndrome”.

James Dobson is the latest religious-type person to have acquired this malady, having decided that maybe heterophobes ought to have special privileges after all.

Some fellow conservatives are criticizing Focus on the Family founder James Dobson for supporting proposed Colorado legislation to give same-sex couples limited legal protections.

Add this conservative to the list.&#160 Damn, NewsMax – you say that like it’s a Bad Thing&#153.&#160 What the Hell&#153 is wrong with opposing special privileges for sodomites?

The proposal would smooth the way for any two people who cannot marry to register for rights to hospital visits, making medical decisions for each other and property transfers. These rights are already available to two persons but they need lawyers to prepare paperwork.

It’s called “power of attorney”, and if this law was being introduced to reduce the legal rigamarole for normal&#160 people – you know, guys who weren’t interested in fucking other guys in the ass??? – I might be on board with it.

But it’s clear that this bill is clearly an attempt at appeasing the heterophobes – and Dobson might realize that if he didn’t have his head up his ass.

Better to oppose the Demoscum POS bill than to offer up a watered-down version thereof.&#160 Yes, the opposition might fail – but worse would be to compromise your priciples and being accused of “growing” by the Limp-wristed Lunatic Left&#153.

The bill, filed by a Republican opponent of gay rights, competes with a Democratic domestic partnership measure that covers gay couples and, critics say, would treat gay couples essentially the same as married couples under the law.

Dobson said he believes in equality under the law but doesn’t want to redefine marriage.

How many times do we have to tell you, Dobson, you Doddering Dimwitted Dumbass&#153?&#160 There already is “equality under the law”.&#160 I can’t marry a man, either, and I’d have to exercise my option to grant “power of attorney” to a trusted friend, as well.

The only difference is that I don’t wanna bang said trusted friend in the backside – unlike some of these limp-wristed asswipes, I’m not a pervert.

He told his daily radio audience, “I’m used to getting beaten from the radicals, from the left….I really find (it) very difficult to be attacked in such an unfair way from conservatives who claim to follow the cause of Christ.”

Yeah, well – we really find it difficult to hear you&#160 actually sounding like a member of GLAAD.&#160 Suggest you get used to it, if you’re going to start sounding like a sodomite-sympathizing horse’s ass.

Yet another One-Legged Man&#153 day, guys, so here’s yet another offering from the Grab-Bag&#153.&#160 This came from the old NewsMax forum (may it rest in peace, ‘cept for the libtards & the stoners):

Subject: Report from the front lines

A Taliban Army Platoon was on patrol when the commander noticed a single Marine standing on a hilltop in their area. The commander told two of his men to go take out the American, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.

Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two Afghans followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop.

He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cap, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers.

The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the American. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air.

Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his cap, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers once again.

The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the American. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The blood-thirsty soldiers followed.

For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally, one lone soldier came crawling back to the Afghan commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn, cuts were all over his body.

The commander asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice:

“Sir,…run,…it’s a trick. There are TWO of them!!”

Oo-rah!!!!!

Having shown her putrid ass to the world with her baseless attacks on Misha, Debbie Schlussel – who shall hereafter be referred to on these pages as Debbie Wienieschnitzel (thanks, Humble Devildog (grin)) – has now decided to vent her squirrelly wrath (with appropriate apologies to Foamy) upon two other bloggers:&#160 Beth at She Who Will Be Obeyed and Jay at Stop the ACLU.

It is now the considered, Article-I-of-the-Bill-Of-Rights-protected opinion of this scribe that this Cupid Stunt&#153 has jumped off the deep end.&#160 A few bricks shy of a load.&#160 A couple cold ones short of a six-pack.&#160 A .22 and a .357 short of my collection.

You get the idea. (grin)

Mealsothinks that the Bloviating Bimbo&#153 doth protesteth a weeeeeee bit too much at the previous accusations leveled against her.&#160 Hyperbole though they clearly were, the level of her resulting shrieking causes one to wonder…why.

Just saying, is all.

So go ahead and sue, Debbie, you frothing fuckwit.&#160 It’s called “malicious prosecution”, and if you try it, I’ll own your firm – and&#160 you – by the time all’s said and done.

In other words, Ms. Wienieschnitzel…eat me.

Thatisall&#153.

UPDATE:&#160 Welcome to all from StoptheACLU.

Feel free to have a look around. Glad you’re here.

Denizens, One-Legged Man Days&#153 are gonna start coming fast and furious, so we’ll start you off with this one from the Grab-Bag&#153.

One could conceivably call these “Dilbertisms”…

Quotes from Real Life ManagersQuotes from Real Life Managers

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. “How About Friday?” My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out – directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!” (Lucent Technologies) -courtesy of Roy Hickford

Mheh.

Well, you know what they say about addictive things…once you get started…

A Ruger .22LR semi-auto pistol.&#160 (This will replace the .22LR Mark I that is going back to its original owner, with my heartfelt thanks for the use thereof for the last year.)

A Glock 31-C semi-auto, .357.

A Hi-Point 9mm semi-auto pistol.

What are the odds that I’ll be one of the more popular bloggers at the Austin blogfest?

Ernie Stautner died Thursday of complications from Alzheimer’s.&#160 Stautner was 80.

Now, unless you know old-school football, you have no idea who Ernie Stautner was.&#160 During the Dallas Cowboys rise to prominence during the late 60s, through the 70s & 80s, Ernie Stautner was Tom Landry’s defensive coordinator.&#160 He later went on to coach Dallas’ first entry into the Arena Football League, the Texans.

While Landry may have developed the “Flex” defense, Stautner was its engineer.&#160 After a career as an undersized defensive lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Stautner constructed the Cowboys Doomsday Defense of the early 70s, and Doomsday II of the late 70s/early 80s.&#160 Doubling as defensive line coach, Stautner developed great linemen like Bob Lilly, George Andrie, Larry “Bubba” Cole, Jim Jeffcoat, Ed “Too Tall” Jones, and Randy White and the late Harvey Martin (who later shared the MVP award in Super Bowl XII).

Ernie will be sorely missed.

From the So Much For Free Speech Department, we get this story of Kaiser Wilhelm von Slickmeister, that noted tolerator of religions (*cough*), calling for convictions of European papers that committed the cardinal, unpardonable sin of drawing cartoons of Mohammed the Pedophilic Pissweasel Priest&#153.

Clinton condemned the publication of the caricatures by European newspapers and urged countries concerned to convict the publishers, according to the reports.

No arrest warrant.&#160 No Miranda rights.&#160 No public attorney for those who can’t afford one.&#160 Hell&#153 – not even so fucking much as a show trial.&#160 Just slap the papers down in a damned kangaroo court&#160 and hand down the automatic conviction.

Shit, Blowjob Billy, whyn’t you just send Janet El Re&#241o over to Europe to start burning down the newspaper offices?&#160 Sure as Hell&#153 worked with the Branch Davidians, didn’t it, asshole?

More »

(With no apology and a swift kick in the ass to Garry Trudeau…)

Uh oh, Denizens.&#160 Shit’s about to hit the fan in Extreme Lefturdia.

Vice President Cheney’s been cleared of charges:

The investigation report, released to The Dallas Morning News Thursday, was based on interviews with several witnesses, including Mr. Cheney and Harry Whittington, the man he shot. No criminal charges will be filed.

Donktard heads exploding in 5…4…3…2…

All together now…

(Hat tip to LC & Denizen Humble Devildog.)

ITEM:&#160 In 2004, the Onion posted an article about Gilette going to a five-bladed razor.

ITEM:&#160 For the Super Bowl, Gilette came out with…a five-bladed razor.

Coincidence?&#160 We think not…

Today was a One-Legged Man&#153 day, Denizens, so here’s something from the Grab-Bag&#153, courtesy of the Mothergoose:

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it…..though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator…..(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t….and if you are feeling amorous afterwards….then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…… like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Wives, take heed.

The good & benevolent Emperor Darth Misha I got a little snarky towards so-called conservative columnist Debbie Schlussel yesterday.

Might have had something to do with the fact that Debbie said something really, really&#160 stupid.

Now Misha, being Misha, went a little overboard with the invective – so when hasn’t he?&#160 Cthulu knows that the right-thinking side of the Blogosphere&#153 isn’t short on invective, particularly the colorful type.

So how did so-called conservative Debbie Schlussel, supposedly a fan of free speech and an enemy of friviolous lawsuits, respond to Misha’s lambasting?

Simple.&#160 She threatened to sue.

And Misha, having neither the time, nor (we suspect) the money to fight a SLAPP suit of this magnitude, chose discretion as the better part of valor and retracted thoes phrases which offended the delicate, virgin&#160 ears of the big-boobed Ms. Schlussel.

Not sure what the Cupid Stunt&#153 might have seen fit to get out of Our Hero.&#160 Misha’s not exactly independently wealthy, and any judgement against him would’ve almost certainly resulted in a bankruptcy.

I will say this, though:&#160 Schlussel, you stupid bint, we may not like how Denmark had treated Israel previously&#160 – but she’s lending a hand in helping to defend her now…and whether you like it or not, the War on Terror indirectly benefits Israel, as well.&#160 Their enemies just happen,&#160 by the sheerest of coincidences, to be our&#160 enemies.

And Denmark’s helping to fight them alongside us.&#160 And you&#160 wanna boycott their stuff – just like the fucking ragheaded Islamopricks.

Guess which side that puts you on?

AFAIC, Schlussel, you daft cow…double&#160 what Misha had said about you.&#160 That’s my Article-One-Of-The-Bill-Of-Rights-protected opinion, and if you don’t like it, you can shove it up your ass.

But should you decide to sue me,&#160 make sure your process server has his HMO all paid up.

Just sayin’, is all.

Ah, Denizens, but what would a story about a hunting accident be without a fuckheaded, dumbassed quote from the Queen of the Gun-Grabbing Whores&#153 herself, Sawah Bwady?

James and Sarah Brady made comments today related to Vice President Cheney’s reportedly accidental shooting yesterday in Texas.

“Now I understand why Dick Cheney keeps asking me to go hunting with him,” said Jim Brady. “I had a friend once who accidentally shot pellets into his dog – and I thought he was an idiot.”

As opposed to you, Jimbo, who took a bullet for President Reagan and turned into a bona fide&#160 one?

One of the Rott commenters put it best:&#160 That’s why you turned into a Demoscum, Jimbo:&#160 That bullet lobotomized you.

“I’ve thought Cheney was scary for a long time,” Sarah Brady said. “Now I know I was right to be nervous.”

Shame you weren’t there, Sarahbitch.&#160 I’m sure The Cheney’s&#153 aim would have improved in your presence.