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Sage Advice&#153 for those of you contemplating a move.

Never.&#160 Ever.&#160 EVER!!!!!&#160 Hire a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, or even their family.&#160 Even if they say that they’ve done this sort of thing (moving) before.

Hire.&#160 Fucking.&#160 Professionals.&#160 Professionals that, y’know, SHOW UP WHEN THEY SAY THEY’RE GONNA @(@#$%@%!%%^)!!!! SHOW THE FUCK UP!!!

That.&#160 Is.&#160 Fucking.&#160 All.&#160


Denizens, this week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 begins with an episode of “What’s Widdle Terri Owens Been Up To Lately?”

Whereupon we find…that “Eldorado” (as Randy Galloway has been wont to call him)…has been engaged (pun somewhat intended) in a bit of Chick Chasing&#153.

That’s right, sportz fanz.&#160 He Who Used To Have 25,000,000 Reasons Not To Commit Suicide&#153…has latched on to a matchmaking service.

Flamboyant footballer Terrell Owens has tapped a matchmaking service to help him find love. Outspoken Owens, who’s been linked to model Jessica White, has hired Kelleher International to help find a main squeeze who looks like bodacious Kim Kardashian — “who I happen to think is gorgeous,” he said.

Kelleher, run by mother and daughter team Jill and Amber Kelleher, has 18 international offices and charges clients anywhere from $15,000 to $150,000.

One might be surprised that not even the professional golddiggers (strippers, debutantes, et. al.) are touching him with a ten-foot pole.&#160 Then again, given his unusually long-lasting, unusually high level of abrasive-oscity (abrasive-oscity?)…one might not be too surprised at all.

Gotta be a limit to what someone’ll do for $25,000,000, y’know?

On to the football.&#160 It’s the annual Game Of The Century – well, at least for Fort Worth “hah skrewls” (a little Rush lingo, there) – and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets will be taking on the Western Hills Cougars for the 4A-6 district championship.&#160 Heights is 8-0, Hills is 7-1.&#160 Field goal could win this, and a Yellow Jacket victory is not&#160 automatic.&#160 Expect no nails on my fingers by this time tomorrow.

Gary Patterson’s 4th-ranked Texas Christian Horned Frogs will get somewhat of a breather tomorrow night as they’ll be in Las Vegas to take on the UNLV Runnin’ Rebels – and let’s just say that Vegas isn’t&#160 being too kind to the home team (TCU’s a 35-point road favorite).&#160 Gary’ll pull his starters just in time to barely cover.

Also tomorrow, Danny Hawkins will be taking his hapless Colorado Buffaloes to get their asses whipped at Memorial Stadium in Norman by a very-pissed-off eleventh-ranked Oklahoma Sooners football team.&#160 OU’s a 24-point favorite here, and – given how they were embarrassed by Missouri last week, I don’t hold out much hope for Colorado.

Speaking of seventh-ranked Mizzou, their reward for knocking off OU…is to go into Lincoln to take on the 14th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers.&#160 Now, Bo Pelini’s squad has&#160 lost a game there already this year – but they should have a chance against Mizzou.&#160 At least they&#160 don’t pa…nah, better not go there.

At any rate, the Huskers are eight-point favorites, and should cover – assuming Taylor Martinez doesn’t have another brain-fart of a game.

Sunday, the Dallas Cowgirlz will prove to the world that last Monday night wasn’t a fluke, as Jacksonville’s Jaguars will even their record when they take on the ‘Girlz at Cowboys Stadium.

Romo’s done for the year – well, actually eight weeks or so, but is there any point in playing him once the Cowpiez are officially eliminated from playoff contention?&#160 Jon “Detroit’ll win 10 games…someday” Kitna takes over, so expect the recap to be entitled “Starring Jon Kitna as Brad Johnson”.

Bucky is off this week.

We’re back Monday or so with the recap, which will be posted from new digs. See you then.


In response to the directive suggestion emanating this week from the Southern Command, I took Mrs. Venomous in hand today and applied my steel-toed boot firmly to Demoscum ass.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

The literal version thereof may come later.

Vote Conservative, people.


This is how the airlines should make announcements.


Arlington Heights 52, South Hills 0

at #5 Texas Christian 38, Air Force 7

#3 Oklahoma 27, at #18 Missouri 36

#16 Nebraska 51, at #14 Oklahoma State 41

#13 Wisconsin 31, at #15 Iowa 30

at Dallas 35, NY Football Douchebags 41 (line:&#160 Dallas by 3&#189 – no SpatulaLine)

Literally no time to do any recaps, Denizens.&#160 Heights, TCU, Nebraska & Bucky did well enough; the other two teams sucked.

This week:&#160 4-2.&#160 Overall:&#160 39-10.

We’ll reconvene on Friday – at least, we’ll try&#160 to – at which time I’ll have that Widdle Terri Owens story for you.


Both the Generalette and myself did, just today no less.

It only took 5 minutes from the time we got out of the Official Southern Command Staff Conveyance until we once again re-entered it. For both of us!

What is this you ask?

We did the one thing that makes our individual voices be heard and recognized in our great republic.


You are hereby summarily ordered to do likewise, unless you’re a sick, twisted freak that really enjoys the “fundamental transformation” that Al Obambi and George Soros Inc. are currently in-progress with. We here at the Southern Command are thoroughly sick of the utter thrashing these people are doing to the Constitution (that they SWORE TO PROTECT AND HONOR) let alone the almost irreparable damage they are doing to this great land. Just looking out for Mother Earth my big, fat ass. These nimrods are pouring out slop that no respectable farm animal would come within THREE MILES of. Even if they were upwind of it!!!!

Let the pigsty that D.C. has become know that WE THE PEOPLE are here now to plow over the manure and replant our nation with the seeds of LIFE, LIBERTY, and the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. And yes, IN GOD WE TRUST is something more than just a phrase printed on our money.



American League Champions


(Yeah, Jon Daniels & Ron
, I guess you guys can stay.)



Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Arlington Heights 37, Southwest 14

at #4 Texas Christian 31, BYU 3

at #6 Oklahoma 52, Iowa State 0

at #5 Nebraska 13, TU Shortdicks 20

at #18 Wisconsin 31, #1 Ohio State 18

Dallas 21, at Minnehaha ViQueens 24

Like most every other game this year, the Raiders didn’t really make a game of it versus the Yellow Jackets.

Fort Worth Arlington Heights looks like it has two ways to answer any challenger in District 6-4A.

Its defense.

Marquis Jackson.

First, the defense.

It produced two interceptions in the first quarter and allowed less than 150 yards in a 37-14 victory against Fort Worth Southwest on Thursday night at Clark Stadium.

Then, Jackson.

The senior wideout caught three first-half touchdown passes and finished with 10 catches for 228 yards, plus a 41-yard score on the ground. He was a weapon the Raiders had no match for as they tried to keep up with Heights’ offensive attack, which despite suffering three turnovers, rolled up 523 yards.

Seems like Heights has a lot of weapons.&#160 District 4A-6, beware.&#160

Records all over the place.

Ryan Broyles broke his own mark for receptions in a game, finishing with 182 yards on 15 catches and one touchdown.

Ryan Broyles broke his own mark for receptions in a game, finishing with 182 yards on 15 catches and one touchdown.

And finally…

DeMarco Murray wasn’t about to leave the ball on the ground after scoring his latest touchdown for No. 6 Oklahoma.

This score, which came in a 52-0 rout of Iowa State on Saturday night, put him at the top of an impressive list at one of college football’s most storied programs: the most touchdowns ever scored in school history.

Is it any wonder that the Sooners romped all over the Cyclones?

BigamYU will be a good football team again some day.

“But”, as Gowron was fond of saying, “…not today.”

Believe it or not, though, with 2:00 left in the first half, TCU only had a 3-0 lead on the Cougars, and the natives were getting restless.

Then Bronco Mendenhall, who was getting mondo props all week for once again taking over the defense, made a couple of critcal mistakes.

First, he left the post route wide open, and Phil Boyce reined in an Andy Dalton pass from 35 yards out.&#160 10-3.

Then, after a Tank Carder pick, Jimmy Young hauled in a 14-yard pass on the same route.&#160 Boom – 17-3, g’night Cougars.

Dalton added a pair of TD passes (one to Jeremy Kerley and another one to Boyce) along with a Ross Evans field goal to close out the scoring for the Frogs.

The defense did&#160 soften up a bit to allow a FG drive for BYU, ending the scoreless streak at 10 quarters or so.&#160 But the TD-less streak is now at 13 quarters.&#160 And it did&#160 get a stuff on a BYU 4th-and-1 at the start of the second half, so it seems to be rounding into form.

David Gilreath has recovered from the concussion he suffered a few weeks ago against San Jose State.&#160 And did he ever put an exclamation point on it Saturday night.

Gilreath took the game’s opening kickoff 97 yards for a score, and Bucky never looked back.

John Clay rushed for 104 yards and two touchdowns on 21 carries, and James White added 75 yards on 17 rushes, including the game-clinching score with about seven minutes left in the fourth.

Tolzien was 13-16-152, with one pick.

I didn’t get a chance to see this game, as I was busy bidding BYU a not-so-fond farewell from the Mountain West.

But I refuse&#160 to believe that the pussies from Austin, College Football’s Biggest Payroll&#153, beat the Huskers straight-up.&#160 They had to have had some help.

OTOH, I see in the writeup where Nebraska didn’t help its cause any:

A wide-open Rex Burkhead couldn’t hang on to what would have been a 30-yard TD in the second quarter. Niles Paul dropped what would have been an 11-yard score in the third quarter and Brandon Kinnie what would have been a 38-yarder in the fourth.

“Pretty obvious, isn’t it?” Pelini said. “We had opportunities to make plays. We didn’t make plays. They did. They won the football game.”

Look on the bright side, Bo:&#160 Those three players were all Bill Callahan recruits.&#160 Hopefully, you’ve got some real&#160 talent in the wings to take their places.

But this is a black mark on your era there at NU.&#160 You just let an inferior team come into your place and embarrass you again&#160 (remember Iowa State last year?)&#160 You’re going to have to learn to treat the conference douchewads like the proverbial fire hydrant gets treated by the proverbial mutt.

Sooner rather than later, please, sir.

Stupid penalties (one of them yet another of the excessive-celebration type)?&#160 Check.

Inability of the offense (read:&#160 Romo) to protect the ball and avoid turnovers?&#160 Check.

Inability of the offensive line to block?&#160 Check.

Special-teams meltdown, allowing a long kickoff return for a score (either directly or indirectly)?&#160 Check.

Yep, just another typical Dallas Cowgirlz effort, leading to another Cowgirlz’ loss.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

The offense begins the game by gashing the ViQueens D-line with runs off the left side.&#160 Gash, gash, gash.&#160 Got a couple of first downs out of it, too.&#160 Then Jason Garrett, aka Red-Headed Jesus&#153, decides to go away from that and start throwing the ball.&#160 Incomplete, incomplete, incomplete, punt.

See what Dallas fans have to put up with around here?

Dez Bryant did have one nice TD catch of a perfectly thrown Romo ball, and Roy Williams had another good day.&#160 Other than that, it was extremely forgettable, so I’m going to do just that:&#160 Forget about it.

Along with any Dallas Cowgirl playoff hopes.

Only good thing to come out of it was that the C’girlz covered the SpatulaLine&#153, so it counts as at least a moral victory.&#160 Like that helps any.

This week:&#160 5-1 (Dallas covers).&#160 Overall:&#160 35-8.

The PFW will return on Friday.&#160 By then, we’ll know the outcome of Arlington Heights-South Hills (Heights will win, no worries).&#160 We’d run with a post for tomorrow, but I’m going to have zero time to write anything tomorrow, due to it being another One-Legged Man&#153 day.

When we do reconvene, we have a story on Widdle Terri Owens’ latest exploit.&#160 Trust me, you ain’t gonna believe this one.&#160


To: Supreme General Raygun

From: The Vicar

RE:Recent Court Ruling concerning Homosexuals in the Military.

General, your experience in the regular forces is more recent than mine. Do you believe that there will be problems among the troops, now that the courts have once again inserted themselves into the nation’s defense? Do you think that the problems will be sever enough to degrade our mission readiness?


It appears that Jack Conway, the Kentucky Democratic Senate candidate took a few below the belt swings at Dr Rand Paul. These attacks took place during a televised debate between the two. Dr. Paul was offended enough that he refused the traditional end-of-debate handshake.

This Missouri Democrat says the Mr. Conway in Kentucky was borderline inappropriate when he attacked Dr Rand Paul.

The question is, was Mr, Conway out of line, and was Dr. Rand right in refusing to engage in what has become a tradition in political debates.

For that matter, what credibility does any democrat have in discussing anyone’s willingness to tolerate personal attacks?


No PFW recap tonight, Denizens…

KORRIOTH:&#160 Smell the nationwide heartbreak!

MERLIN:&#160 It’s going viral, I tells ya!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Aaah, shaddup, both o’ youse.


My Sith computer skills have been summoned once again – this time to one of my longtime friends.

Maybe tomorrow.


The Dullest Moaning Snooze is off the blogroll.

This is why.

I will no longer link to bastards & pussies who don the editorial kneepads for a jugeared son-of-a-crack-whore-bitch.&#160 I don’t give two flying fucks whether it’s the illegal Kenyan fucktoid or&#160 Mr. Sanctuary City.

Fuck you, DMN.&#160 I’ve bought my last copy of your birdcage liner, as well.



If you don’t and don’t want them delivered, check out this Lifehacker article.

Might want to consider bookmarking the site, they’ve got tons of really useful Windows, Mac, and Linux tips….as well as the occasional time-saving household tidbit.

That’s all for now….it’s been a rough week.  Maybe some more tomorrow since it’s a down day for the Command Staff.


This week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 begins with the revelation that – surprise, surprise! – not all college football players are in it for the education.

A former sports agent told Sports Illustrated he paid college football players early in his career, and several of them confirmed it to the magazine.

In the Oct. 18 edition, Josh Luchs said he paid more than 30 players from 1990 to ’96, including many who didn’t sign with him.

He said quarterback Ryan Leaf, the second pick in the 1998 draft who famously flopped in the pros, took more than $10,000, most of which he voluntarily paid back after signing with another agent. Leaf declined to comment on specific allegations.

Luchs told the magazine he also paid first-round picks Jamir Miller and Chris Mims. Miller, a linebacker from UCLA taken 10th by the Cardinals in 1994, declined comment. Mims, a defensive lineman from Tennessee taken 23rd by the Chargers in 1992, died in 2008.

I have just one question:&#160 When are you gonna name “orange” names?&#160 If you know what I mean?

On to the football.&#160 My Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets have four games left on the regular schedule, and three of them scare me – beginning with the one tonight against the Southwest Rebels.

MERLIN:&#160 You mean Southwest Raiders, my liege.

VENOMOUS:&#160 What have I told you about that, Wizard?

MERLIN:&#160 (ulp) Aye, sir.

Anyway, the Rebels are 4-2, losing one to perennial 4A power Everman, and the other to Western Hills (another team that’s gonna scare me going forward).&#160 This isn’t going to be 69-3 against North Side – bank on that.

Saturday finds Bob Stoopes and the sixth-ranked Oklahoma Sooners on a second straight week of break.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Wait a minute.&#160 They’re playing this week, aren’t they?

T-BONE MCMANX:&#160 Yeah, don’t they have…lessee here…Iowa State at home?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Like I said, gentlemen.

KORRIOTH, T-BONE (in unison):&#160 Oh.

OU’s a 24-point favorite here.&#160 And they’ll cover if they don’t fall asleep from boredom and suffer yet another fourth-quarter meltdown.

Someone in Vegas must be smoking something.&#160 18th-ranked Bucky gets the honor&#160 (*cough*) of hosting top-ranked Ohio State at Camp Randall.

Things just don’t get any easier for this bunch, do they?

But what’s puzzling about this is that OSU is only a 4&#189-point road warrior here.&#160 Either Vegas thinks the Badgers are better than their ranking indicates…or that the Buckeyes aren’t that good – which, if that’s&#160 the case, why are they top-ranked, hm?


Gary Patterson and his fourth-ranked Texas Christian Horned Frogs have the second game of their three-game homestand against the Mormons Cougars of BigamYU.&#160 This is the swan song for BigamYU, as they’re leaving the Mountain West conference to go…independent.&#160 The “Notre Dame of the West”, they’re calling themselves.

Good luck with that independent schedule, Mormons.&#160 You’ve been throttled by Air Force, chewed up by Nevada and buried by Utah State.&#160 Not exactly the class of Division I-A, although Air Force is pretty good this year.&#160 Prob’ly not one of the smartest things the Latter Day Saints ever did.

The Frogs are favored by 29.&#160 Think it’ll be closer, but BYU shouldn’t give ’em that much trouble.

And the marquee game this week is Revenge Time in Nebraska.&#160 Bo Pelini and his fifth-ranked Cornhuskers host the TU Shortd…uh, Stumpies (&#160&#160) in what I’m sure more than a few call the One-Second Bowl&#153.

Bo, for his part, says that the past is past:

“When I first looked up I thought about the next play. I look up and see zeroes on the clock and you think you won for a second,” he said. “Obviously, they said they were going to review it. At that point my focus was on trying to block the field goal. That didn’t happen. You ride a real roller coaster real quick. In the end, they got the call right. You look back and you understand you didn’t make enough plays to win the game.

We had our opportunities. We talk about the margin of error being so small, and that game showed it.”

Don’t believe it.&#160 They’re pointing to this game up in Lincoln.&#160 And TU is gonna find out that Hell hath no fury like a Husker scorned.&#160 (Vegas has the Huskers at minus-9&#189, BTW)

And on Sunday, the Dallas C’girlz will go to their first 1-4 start since 1989, as they travel to Minne-haha to take on Brett “Pants On The Ground” Favre and the ViQueens.

Wonder if we can get Jenn Steger to suit up for the game?&#160

Dallas is a 2-point road dog, meaning as long as they keep it under a 16-point beating, we’ll count it.&#160 But I wouldn’t bet on it.&#160 Hell, Randy Moss will outscore ’em by that much by his lonesome.

We’re back Monday for the recap.&#160 In the meantime, as always…stay safe, HDD.


May be time for another Executive Decision&#153.

Arlington Heights 69, North Side 3

at #5 Texas Christian 45, Wyoming 0

#7 Nebraska 48, Kansas State 13

at #20 Wisconsin 41, Minnesota 23

at Dallas 27, Hickville 20, Pussified Zebras 14

Shock of shocks.&#160 North Side actually scored&#160 on Heights.&#160 (Yeah, it was a long (for high school) field goal, but still.)

Heights’ response?&#160 Run the ensuing kickoff back 87 yards for yat another score – one of seven they would get in the first half.

The moral:&#160 Don’t piss off Heights by scoring on ’em.&#160 (grin)

Valadez was 6-10-100 and two scores.&#160 The Jacket running game accounted for 282 yards and seven touchdowns, led by Abece Dorsey & Devante Hill (72 yards apiece).

Taylor Martinez is scary&#160 fast.

On Nebraska’s second touchdown, Martinez executed a zone read, got the defensive end to commit, then kept the ball and split five defenders to score from 35 yards out.

Four of those defenders were within seven yards of Martinez, but before they could close on him…he just outran ’em.


The 35-yard score would be part of 241 yards rushing (15 carries), and part of 451 total rushing yards on the night for the Husker offense (Roy Helu added 110 on eight carries).&#160 Martinez would also go 5-7-128 and a score passing.

Suffice to say the old Huskers are back.

Bucky smacked UMinne-haha around for three quarters & change, then let up as the Gophers scored two of the last three touchdowns.&#160 James White & John Clay combined for 229 rushing yards and five touchdowns on 40 carries, and Scott Tolzien went 17-23-223 and a score.&#160 Lance Kendricks led Badger receivers with 5 catches for 75 yards.

Bucky will keep Paul Bunyan’s Axe&#153 for one more year.

Another Mountain West opponent, another shutout.&#160 Yawn.&#160

Wyoming came into Fort Worth minus starting quarterback Austyn Carta-Samuels, forcing backup Dax Crum to go up against the number three defense in the country in its backyard, where it almost never loses.&#160 Not exactly Steve Young taking over for Joe Montana.

“Coming out here going against TCU is always a tough task, especially when you kind of get thrown in the fire unexpectedly,” Wyoming receiver David Leonard said. “I thought he handled it well. TCU’s just a great team.”

Dalton threw for 270 on 14-17, throwing passes of at least 30 yards to five different receivers (Jeremy Kerley, Matthew Tucker, Skye Dawson, Waymon James and Bart Johnson).&#160 Kerley led all receivers with 3 grabs for 65 yards.&#160 Ed Wesley paced the ground attack with 115 yards on 17 carries.

All along the Cowgirlz have been boasting about how much talent they had.

The whispers have now started – “Is this team really that talented?”.

Talented teams don’t rank down near the bottom of the league in penalties year after year after year.&#160 Talented teams can protect their quarterback when it counts. Talented teams can open up holes through the middle of the defense and keep the running back from getting popped in the backfield.

On defense, talented teams don’t let QBs and receivers play pitch-and-catch – they hit the receiver, hard, as the ball comes in.&#160 They don’t bend over and gase at their navels as the receiver is catching a pass in the end zone.&#160 And they don’t, upon noticing the bowling-ball running back coming their way, turn around and start running away from them.

Talented special teams have kickers who are automatic every time, even from 50 yards out or more.&#160 And talented teams don’t let kick returners run back kickoffs for near touchdowns at critical points late in the game.

The Cowgirls did all these things Sunday, which is why they’re 1-3.&#160 And why their playoff chances are hanging by a thread.&#160 And why people are now whispering the question whether or not they’re really&#160 that talented.

And also why I’m making another Executive Decision&#153 and putting the Cowgirls on the SpatulaLine&#153 – any line where they’re an underdog, plus 14 17 points.&#160 And if they can’t handle that…well, there’s always the UKansas decision.

All that said, the fucking zebras cost the Cowgirls seven points on the Tit-annes’ first drive with three pass-interference penalties which, I’m telling you right now, would not&#160 have been called on Tennessee, no way, no how.&#160 And they threw a flag on Dallas’ last touchdown for what was a phantom “excessive celebration” penalty; the ensuing kickoff (pushed back 15 yards to the 15) was returned 75 yards to the Cowgirl 10, where a phantom facemask penalty took it to the five.&#160 As horribly as the Cowgirls played Sunday, they should have won the game.

But that’s what losing teams do.&#160 That’s what teams with questionable talent do.

This week:&#160 4-1.&#160 Overall:&#160 30-7.

The PFW will return Thursday, when we begin the nail-biting for real.


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