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Figures I’d go out on a clunker of a clusterfuck like that.

But then again, sportz fanz…that’s what Executive Fiat&#153 is for.

Cincinnati 10, at Indianapolis 26

Pittsburgh 17, at Baltimore 30

Detroit 20, at Dallas 24

at Arizona 16, Carolina 27

#19 Auburn 31, #18 Wisconsin 34 (OT) (Outback Bowl)

#14 UCLA 40, #11 Kansas State 35 (Alamo Bowl)

Bucky found their running game again in the nick of time.&#160 Melvin Gordon found the holes that Ohio State wasn’t giving him, and ran for 251 yards & three scores.&#160 Auburn’s attempt to tie in overtime clanged off the right upright.

The Bruins had to hold off a late charge from Bill Snyder’s Wildcats, but held on to win a squeaker.

Shoulda known better to pick the third-string quarterback in the playoff game.&#160 Arizona’s defense is good, but so is Carolina’s.&#160 Ryan Lindley basically didn’t have a shot.

This isn’t Ray “Unconvicted Thug” Lewis’ Raven defense – but someone forgot to tell Ben Rothelisberger that.

Oh, great.&#160 Now&#160 Dallas decides to start winning.

No matter.&#160 I still don’t regret my decision to throw them out of the PFW.

I do, however, regret my decision to go with Cincinnati because of Andy Dalton.

He now gets the nickname I had bequeathed upon his ex-Cowboy teammate, Terrence Newman – “Bust”.

It’s the fact of the matter – Andy Dalton is not the answer at quarterback in Cincinnati.&#160 He’s not NFL-starter caliber.&#160 He throws too many interceptions, and doesn’t take care of the ball well enough in the pocket (he lost yet another fumble yesterday).&#160 He has a lot of work to do to improve in the NFL, and I don’t think it’s going to happen in Cincy.

So it’s a 1-5 record for the week

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, but I’m declaring a Perfect Football Weekend&#153 anyway.

MERLIN:&#160 Why, m’liege?&#160 This is the worst week you’ve had since…

KORRIOTH:&#160 …since you posted that oh-fer last year.

[Venomous glares at Korrioth.]

KORRIOTH (feigning look of innocence):&#160 Hey, I’m just sayin’.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But then, there was this:

#8 Michigan State 42, #5 Baylor 41

Michigan State scored three touchdowns in the fourth quarter on New Year’s Day to beat playoff-snubbed and No. 5 Baylor 42-41 in the highest-scoring Cotton Bowl ever.


Michigan State (11-2), which won the Rose Bowl as Big Ten champions last season, has won four consecutive bowl games after trailing in each of them at halftime. The Spartans’ only two losses this season were to Pac-12 winner Oregon and Big Ten champ Ohio State.

Down 41-21 going into the fourth quarter , Michigan State got the winning touchdown after Marcus Rush blocked Chris Callahan’s 43-yard field goal attempt with 1:05 left.

Kinda reminiscent of how Baylor scored 24 on TCU in the fourth quarter back in October, huh?&#160 (Without all the bogus pass-interference penalties, of course.)

Live by the 21-point comeback…die by the 21-point comeback.

And after all the crowing Baylor did after 61-58…there are no words to express how sweet it was to see Baylor eat crow Thursday.&#160 HAPPY NEW YEAR, CUBTARDS!!!!!!&#160

This week:&#160 2-5.&#160 Perfect Football Weekend achieved by Executive Fiat&#153 (4).&#160 Final PFW record:&#160 83-34-1.

It was a pretty decent year, as Perfect Football Weekend&#153 years go.&#160 Heights did well, TCU had a killer year…all in all, no complaints.

And that does it for me, Denizens.&#160 I’d say “…and now, we return you to your regularly-scheduled rant-blogging”, except that there’s going to be nothing to return to.

The blog is closing this year (I’ll make the official annoucement later on), and this is likely my last ever blog post.&#160 I’m going on hiatus to work on other things in my life…specifically, my health.&#160 I gained 20 pounds over the holidays, and I’m pushing 40-inch slacks again.&#160 So, much of my free time will be spent working out and trying to get back down to at least 220, hopefully less.

And, to be brutally honest about it…I’ve lost the desire to do this.&#160 See, I’ve been at this, in some way, shape or form, since 1992.&#160 22, 23-some-odd years of My Eternal Wisdom&#153 (snort!), as it were, either as a BBS, or as a website that I created/wrote myself, or as a blog.

And I’m tired…and I’m tired of it.

It used&#160 to be fun – but it hasn’t been fun for a long time.&#160 A very&#160 long time.&#160 And I don’t see beating my head against the proverbial brick wall to do it if it’s no longer any fun.

For me, there are fewer days ahead than behind.&#160 I need to make more of those days than I have as of late.

Vicar, General – feel free to post as you like, but keep in mind no one’s reading us – not even the Six Or Seven&#153 – so it’s pretty much screaming into the whirlwind at this point.

So, as Mr. Rhyner says most nights…you guys stay hard, keep jammin’ – and we’ll see ya…


Well, Denizens, it’s bowl season, and that means that as a lead-in for this week’s Perfect Football Weekend™ – I got nothin’.

About the only thing really going on in football right now is that…well, here’s the backstory.&#160 Back in May, there was a lawsuit filed in federal court against the NFL that claimed that…

the league illegally supplied them with risky narcotics and other painkillers that numbed their injuries for games and led to medical complications down the road.

The lawsuit alleges that the league obtained and administered the drugs without prescriptions and without warning players of their potential side effects, to speed the return of injured players to the field and maximize profits. Players claim that they were never told about broken legs and ankles and instead were fed pills to mask the pain. One says that instead of surgery, he was given anti-inflammatories and skipped practices so he could play in money-making games. And others say that after years of free pills from the NFL, they retired from the league addicted to the painkillers.

Well, I can’t find the link on it, but I was listening to the Ben Ferguson Show on WBAP yesterday on the way to work, and according to Fergie, a judge dismissed the suit.

(shrug) Meh.


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, let’s get to it.&#160 Bowl season starts…

MERLIN:&#160 Ahem.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Yes

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, Wizard?

MERLIN:&#160 The Core Teams&#153…?

Well, there’s only one – Cincinnati hosts Denver Monday night, and Peyton’s gonna torch the Bengal secondary, and Andy’s probably not gonna look too good against John Fox’s defense; thus, so much for the PFW.

So for the wildcard games, we’re doing Nevada over Louisiana-Lafayette in the New Orleans Bowl (always take the Mountain West team against any Sun Belt team), Utah State over UTEP in the New Mexico Bowl (ditto for the MWC over Conference USA), 22nd-ranked Utah over Colorado State in the Lost Wages Las Vegas Bowl (the Utes always used to dominate the Rams in the MWC; no reason they shouldn’t continue to), Air Force to run roughshod over Western MIchigan in the Potato Bowl (Western Michigan?&#160 Really?) and BigamY U. to cream Memphis Monday night in the Miami Beach Bowl.&#160 (The Miami Beach Bowl???&#160 Really???)

We’re back Tuesday or so with the recap.&#160 In the meantime…Vicar, have you ever thought about using football tie-ins in your sermons?&#160


All hands on deck.

MERLIN:&#160 Ready, m’liege.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Engineering reports full power to engines, Admiral.

KORRIOTH:&#160 We’re not going anywhere, Ozy.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 The Admiral demands operational readiness at all times, General.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Point.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Tactical ready, m’lord.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Southern Command ready as requested, y’old geezer.

THE GENERALETTE (smacking Rayegun, Gibbs-style):&#160 You be nice.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Yes, dear.

T-BONE McMANX:&#160 Communications ready, sir.

THE SPATULAGODDESS:&#160 Didn’t we do something like this a couple of years ago, hon?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 HON?!?!?!&#160 (waves iron skillet around menacingly)

VENOMOUS:&#160 Put a cork in it, babe.&#160 She’s entitled.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 And why am I not the SpatulaGoddess?!?!?!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Because you’re Mrs. Venomous, and you don’t look like Eva Longoria.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 GRRRRRRRR!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Shut it, woman.&#160 I have a post to write.

MRS. VENOMOUS (dejected, with cast-iron skillet):&#160 Yes, honey.

VENOMOUS:&#160 I’ll make it up to you, sweetheart…say, with Rafain’s?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet & ears perked up):&#160 Ooooooh!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Okay, where were we…?

MERLIN:&#160 Didn’t we do something like this before…?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Oh, well – yeah, Beff, we did – but without showing who really wears the pants at the Southern Command.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Hey!!!

ALL (even Rayegun, albeit grudgingly):&#160

Right, then.

The first official Perfect Football Weekend…in what is, very likely, the last season of PFWs…kicks off


…y’know, I am&#160 gonna kinda miss doing that.

[The entire cast & crew engages in a 20-second group hug.&#160 Venomous breaks the silence.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Awright, guys, we still have a blog to run for now.

…with a story from a couple weeks back about how Cleveland Browns rookie&#160 head coach Mike Pettine has selected veteran Brian Hoyer to start at quarterback, rather than Johnny Football.

Brian Hoyer was named the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns for the regular-season opener Sept. 7 at Pittsburgh.


“Like I said all along, it’s been my mentality this whole offseason, training camp to come out here and act like the starter and be the starter,” Hoyer said Wednesday. “So now that it’s official we can just move on and get ready for St. Louis.”

While Hoyer has only four career starts — and went 3-0 with the Browns before tearing his anterior cruciate ligament in 2013 — his biggest advantages were experience and leadership.

“He was the clear leader from the beginning,” Pettine said. “We’ve maintained all along that if it was close, I would prefer to go with the more experienced player. Brian has done a great job in the meeting rooms and with his teammates on the practice field and in the locker room.”

What he’s not&#160 telling you, of course, is that Manziel thoroughly outplayed Hoyer in the preseason.

Even Yahoo!, in the article, tries to blow smoke up one’s ass in stating:

Manziel, drafted 22nd overall in May, played only two seasons at Texas A&M in an offense designed to win at that level. The Browns want him to get more time in an NFL offense before asking him to beat NFL defenses. Manziel was not great statistically in two games.

Except what they’re&#160 not telling you is that, as badly as Manziel may have played…Hoyer played worse.

Fact is, neither one looked all that great.&#160 But Manziel outplayed the “crafty ‘veteran'” (four games experience…yeah, right)…and besides, he’s the 1st rounder, and the future.&#160 Hoyer isn’t.

And if you’re drafting a quarterback in the first round…that almost invariably means you suck, and you’re not going anywhere in the next year or three.&#160 So why not get Johnny Football the experience he needs now?&#160 I mean, it’s not like Cleveland’s going anywhere anytime soon, y’know?

He also showed immaturity Monday night, Pettine said, when he raised his middle finger to the Redskins’ bench in response to heckling from the sideline.

I’d start Manziel for that alone.

But that’s me.

On to the football.&#160 Phil Young and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets have their annual “Week 0” clunker (now that they’re no longer playing Azle) Friday evening against the (White Settlement, TX) Brewer Bears.

Brewer almost qualifies as one of my anti-teams (a la SMUT and Ar-Kansas) because my first-ever fiancée (no, not the First Wife&#153) came from Dear Old Brewer High (which brings back memories of Weatherford High kicking Brewer’s asses all over the field right after the fiancée screwed me over, and me screaming my fool head off for Weatherford…but that’s another post), so I’ve kinda had it in for the Bears ever since.

Bears’ll probably win, though, so it’s likely another 5-5 year for AHHS.

Saturday, Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs – who may actually read This Fine Blog&#153, because they’ve finally taken my advice – begin their season at home against Samford University.

Samford is interesting because their head coach is former TCU coach Pat Sullivan, who guided the Froggies to their last Southwest Conference championship (albeit a three-way tie for the aforementioned, it was a championship).&#160 Sullivan will not attend the game due to medical reasons.

It won’t matter, because Sullivan or no Sullivan, this game’s gonna be a major squash – with any luck, so much so that we’ll see TCU back in the top 25 next week.

Tonight, the Allas Cowboys (still no D) have their last preseason game at home against King Peyton Manning (as opposed to his sister brother, Queen Elisha) and the Denver Broncos.

It’ll be a chance for the Cowgirl faithful to let Owner Jethro have it one more time for letting Demarcus Ware walk.&#160 And I desperately hope they give it to him every time Ware’s visage gets pasted upon that Jumbotron.

The wildcard games for this weekend will be: Florida Atlantic at #22 Nebraska (don’t ask me why, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for Bo Pelini, even though he’s a lousy head coach), West Virginia against #2 Alabama (it’ll be interesting to see how badly Nick Saban takes his frustrations from last year out on the Mountaineers), and #16 Clemson going to the Dawg Pound vs. #12 Georgia.&#160 These games will be on Saturday.

Additionally, tonight we’ll have Smurf Turf F-Head State minus Chrissi “Trick Play” Peterson going down to Oxford, MS to take on #18 Ole Miss.

(Incidentally, in case you missed it, all my picks in the wildcard games are in boldface.)

We’re back Sunday or Monday with something resembling a recap.&#160 In the meantime…my message to Humble DevilDog is: Yeah, I’m calling them TCU again.&#160 Don’t like it?&#160 Get your ass back here & start commenting again, Marine!


[SCENE:&#160 Onboard ISS Vengeance, inside Admiral Darth Venomous’ quarters.&#160 Lt. T-Bone McManx, ship’s communications officer, has just entered & handed His Rudeness&#153 a data padd.

Venomous takes the padd, reads it, and hangs his head in grieving.&#160 After a moment, he looks up.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Thank you, T-bone, that’ll be all.

T-BONE McMANX:&#160 Aye, sir.&#160 [McManx exits.]

[Venoumous slumps in his chair as if badly discouraged.&#160 He remains that way for minutes, then straightens and reaches for the comm panel.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Venomous to Korrioth.

[A brief pause, then the general’s booming voice crashes through the speaker.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 nuqneH?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Come to my quarters, please, General.

[One can almost hear the hesitation in Korrioth’s response.&#160 The last time the admiral requested Korrioth’s presence in his cabin, it wasn’t a pleasant thing.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 On my way.

[Two minutes later, Korrioth is standing at attention in front of the admiral.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Reporting as ordered, m’lord.

[Venomous hands Korrioth the padd.&#160 Korrioth begins to read.]

StarTrek.com is saddened to report the passing of Arlene Martel, who died on August 12 following a heart attack. The veteran television and film actress had a career that spanned parts of seven decades, dating back to the golden age of television, but she was arguably best known for her role as T’Pring in the “Amok Time” episode of Star Trek: The Original Series.

[Korrioth finishes and looks back at the admiral.&#160 It is difficult to deal with the news of the death of his mother, even moreso in front of his superior officer.&#160 Venomous breaks the silence.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Take whomever you need with you, my friend.&#160 Our next mission can wait.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Admiral, I…I would request the entire senior staff accompany me.&#160 Including yourself, sir.

[Venomous ponders this a moment, then looks back up at his half-Vulcan, half-Klingon exec, saying nothing. He then reaches for the comm panel.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Venomous to bridge.&#160 Mr. K’hadibak’h.

K’HADIBAK’H (through the speaker):&#160 Bridge. K’hadibak’h.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Set course for Vulcan, K’ha.&#160 Maximun warp.

K’HADIBAK’H (through the speaker):&#160 Aye, sir.

VENOMOUS (looking back at Korrioth):&#160 It would be my honor, General.

[Cut to exterior view as ISS Vengeance&#160 shoots into warp.]

The Realm&#153 offers its condolences to Arlene Martel’s family.


DIS chu’ botIvjaj!

qaStaHvIS DISvam, reH qaDmeylIj DacharghmeH yapjaj HoSlIj, ‘ej not nIHoSmoHtaHbogh qaDmey DaHutlhjaj.

(May you all enjoy the new year!

During this year, may you always be strong enough to overcome your challenges, and may you never lack for challenges to keep you strong.)


KORRIOTH:&#160 And with a tolerable accent, too.&#160 You honor us, Admiral.

VENOMOUS:&#160 I try.

Happy New Year, Denizens.


[SCENE:&#160 On the near-powerless bridge of ISS Vengeance.&#160 Admiral Darth Venomous and General Korrioth are overseeing a minor refit of the communications module.&#160 Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool carries a solid-state console module in his arms, awaiting instruction from Venomous.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Anytime you’re ready, McCool.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Aye, sir.

[McCool slides the module into the empty slot.&#160 Power comes to life on the bridge – for about two seconds.

Massive sparkage flies from the just-installed module, sending all three diving for cover.&#160 (Well, Korrioth & McCool, anyway.&#160 Venomous merely turns away with a disgusted look on his face.)

Venomous turns & glares at McCool.]

OZY McCOOL (looking very&#160 nervous at the moment):&#160 As I suspected, m’lord.&#160 Major flaw in the J2 circuit.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Fine.&#160 And in whose head is Kor going to sink his bat’leth this&#160 time?

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Personally, I’d start with the union writers.&#160 They’ve got all manner of plot devices up their sleeves, and they’ve had it in for you ever since you beheaded Allan.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Point.

VENOMOUS (chuckling):&#160 Mheh.&#160 That’s what I like about you guys – no foolin’ around, cut to the chase.&#160 Okay, Kor, see to it.

KORRIOTH:&#160 (grunt)

Okay, we’re officially back online here, and all it cost me was my primary keyboard.&#160 Fry’s will be furnishing me a replacement shortly.

In the meantime, we’ll catch up on the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 beginning tonight – Heights will play its annual one-and-done playoff game this evening, and I’ve some thoughts on Incognito-Juanita Martin (and no – that’s not a typo.)

Oh…and anyone who even dares breathe&#160 the number “51” dies.&#160 You have been warned.


Denizens, this week’s episode of the Perfect Football Weekend begins with that unconvicted criminal, Ray Lewis (RET-Baltimore Ravens), whining & sniveling about the Ravens’ victory in Super Bowl XLVII.

(As you may remember, the lights went out during the third quarter for about half an hours; upon restoration, the San Transexual Fairy-Whiners staged a comeback.)

The Baltimore Ravens led by 22 when the lights went out in the Superdome during Super Bowl XLVII. Ray Lewis is convinced that bizarre occurrence was far from a coincidence.

On the Ravens’ “America’s Game” documentary, Lewis hinted without much subtlety that the power outage may have been a ploy to help the 49ers regroup.

“I’m not gonna accuse nobody of nothing — because I don’t know facts,” Lewis said, according to USA Today. “But you’re a zillion-dollar company, and your lights go out? No. No way.

“You cannot tell me somebody wasn’t sitting there and when they say, ‘The Ravens [are] about to blow them out. Man, we better do something.’ … That’s a huge shift in any game, in all seriousness. And as you see how huge it was because it let them right back in the game.”

Well, for saying you’re “not gonna accuse nobody of nothing” – you seem to be accusing someone – you just don’t know whom.

As for this “can’t tell me” bullshit – son, you cannot tell me&#160 you weren’t involved in a double murder down around Atlanta 13 years ago.

Can you?

Let’s get on with the football.&#160 It’s the 91st edition of the old Arlington Heights-Paschal rivalry tonight Saturday night (damn you, Intelligence —Venomous) at Farrington Field in Fort Worth, and I’m gonna go out on a limb and call for a Yellow Jacket victory, given that the Panthers have been generally atrocious the last few years.

If I’m wrong, expect me to be the first one to call for Phillip Young’s head.

Also Saturday, Gary Patterson’s 24th-ranked Texas Christian Horned Frogs have their home opener (last week notwithstanding) against Division I-AA Southeast Lousiana.&#160 Vegas has the Froggies as a 42&#189-point home favorite, and Gary – if he wants even a sniff at the national championship – best cover and then some.

In addition, Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames have their home opener against Monmouth (Miles Austin’s alma mater).&#160 We may not even need a SpatulaLine here, as Monmouth doesn’t look like their very good.

UPDATE:&#160 Great Honkin’ Cthulhu, what the hell was I on when I was spelling half this stuff?

And if you’re ready for some football, it’ll be Gary Kubiak’s Houston Texans heading westward for some Monday Night Football against the San Diego Chargers.&#160 The Texans are a 4&#189-point road favorite, which generally means a field goal decides it.

We’ll see.

We’re back Tuesday for the recap.&#160 In the meantime…

MERLIN:&#160 Uh, m’liege?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Yes, Wizard?

MERLIN:&#160 What about the Cowgirlz?

VENOMOUS:&#160 They’re not in the PFW this year, remember?

MERLIN:&#160 Ah.

VENOMOUS:&#160 But if it’ll make you happy, they’re at home Sunday night against the NY Football Douchebags, which means they’ll lose.

MERLIN:&#160 As you wish, m’lord.

See you Tuesday.


[SCENE:&#160 Aboard the ISS Vengeance, in His Rudeness’ quarters.&#160 He is reading a padd that T-Bone McManx has just brought him.&#160 He sighs, moves to his console comm and touches a button.]

VENOMOUS (to embedded speaker/mic):&#160 Venomous to Korrioth.

KORRIOTH (over speaker):&#160 nuqneH

VENOMOUS:&#160 Come to my quarters, if you please, General.

KORRIOTH:&#160 (grunt) On my way.

[SCENE:&#160 Five minutes later.&#160 Korrioth is standing at…well, we won’t call it attention, but he looks like he’s ready to tear Venomous’ head off.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 That’s his usual pose, Narrator.&#160 No worries.

[Uh…yes, Admiral.]

KORRIOTH (slightly annoyed by now):&#160 Admiral, I hope you had a good reason for getting me up here.

VENOMOUS (sighing):&#160 No, Kor, I’m afraid I don’t.&#160 I’m granting you extended shore leave.&#160 You are to fly to Vulcan, pick up your mother and proceed to Q’ono’S.

KORRIOTH (now with a very&#160 wary look):&#160 Uh…why?

[The Admiral hands Korrioth the padd]

StarTrek.com is saddened to report that veteran character actor and iconic Star Trek guest star Michael Ansara passed away on July 31 at the age of 91 following a long illness.

Ansara had a remarkably long and prolific career that spanned from 1944 to 2001 and included Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Broken Arrow (on which he starred as Cochise), The Fugitive, Gunsmoke, I Dream of Jeannie, It’s Alive, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Fantasy Island, Murder, She Wrote, Babylon 5 and such late-career animated projects as Batman, SubZero, Batman Beyond and his final credit, 2001’s Batman: Vengeance; he voiced Dr. Victor Fries/Mr. Freeze in all of those Batman iterations.

Star Trek fans, of course, embraced Ansara for his performance as the Klingon commander, Kang, in the Star Trek: The Original Series episode “Day of the Dove.” Later, when Star Trek exploded into a cultural phenomenon, Ansara became a favorite at conventions and on cruises. Decades passed and, in 1994, Ansara made a triumphant return to televised Trek, reprising his role as Kang in the Deep Space Nine hour “Blood Oath.” Ansara played Kang yet again in the 1996 Voyager episode “Flashback”…

[Korrioth stares at the padd, a dispassionate look on his face.&#160 A low rumble begins in his throat.&#160 Then, almost without warning, Korrioth throws his head back and…]


[He straightens and faces Venomous]

KORRIOTH:&#160 I will require K’hadibak’h & McCool to accompany me, Admiral.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Take them, my friend. They’re on detached assignment to you for as long as you need.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Thank you, sir.&#160 With your permission…?

[Venomous nods his assent, and Korrioth exits.]

The Realm&#153 extends its condolences to the Ansara family.


The long-awaited Perfect Football Weekend&#153 overview…

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 “Long-awaited”, m’liege?

VENOMOUS:&#160 By me, K’ha.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Ah.

…will appear in this space sometime next week.

Stay tuned.


As previously mentioned here, the Generalette and myself will commence our annual summer leave/respite/sabbatical/vacation starting at exactly 1700 hours. I leave the Southern Command HQ in the capable hands of Number One.

NUMBER ONE: Thank you sir!

SG RAYEGUN: You know the procedure Number One, just follow it to the letter and I’m confident I will have an office to come back to that will be in one piece. Keep SCG-1 on alert status and I want HALO ONE fueled and fully armed at all times. Understood?

NUMBER ONE: Yessir!!

SG RAYEGUN: Also, make sure the surveillance team watches out for the Excelsior II Vengeance. That damn ship seems to drop out of hyperspace at all the inconvenient times, especially when the Klingon is driving!

NUMBER ONE: Understood sir.

SG RAYEGUN: Dismissed&#153

And with that I shall do this:



[SCENE:&#160 Deep inside that sector of the Fifth Intergalatic Realm&#153 known as the Southern Command.&#160 Slow pan to a point about 140 degrees from the opening shot.

We then see a spatial displacement come into view.&#160 The translucent shimmer becomes the faint outlines of an image, which then coalesces into an oversized, seemingly-upside-down Klingon Bird-of-Prey.

Cut to:&#160 the bridge of the recently repaired ISS Pegasus, which has just decloaked someplace it was not previously known to be.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 And that’s a problem, Narrator?

KORRIOTH:&#160 Well, we usually file a flight plan with someone, y’know.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Look, Bumpy, when I go on vacation, I don’t give a shit if anyone&#160 know where I’m gonna be…

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Uh, guys…

KORRIOTH:&#160 …you know, so a certain Black Helicopter Fleet&#153 isn’t tempted to engage in…

[At that very moment, the bridge is rocked violently, back & forth.&#160 Cut to previous external view, and the Bird-of-Prey is now surrounded by what seems to be four Husnock warships, each taking turns firing on Pegasus.

Cut back to Pegasus’&#160 bridge.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 …target practice.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Four warships, Admiral.&#160 IDs… [Kha double-checks his board] …it’s the Black Helicopter Fleet&#153, sir.

T-BONE McMANX:&#160 Admiral, we’re being hailed.

VENOMOUS (with a very&#160 annoyed look on his face):&#160 (sigh) On screen.

[On the viewscreen, space is replaced by a very familiar image.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Supreme General Rayegun.

RAYEGUN:&#160 What did I tell you about coming through the Southern Command&#153 without proper permittage-ery?

VENOMOUS:&#160 And what did I tell you about the Southern Command&#153 being part of my&#160 Realm&#153?

[The Supreme General of the Realm&#153 renders what could only be described as a smart-assed smirk.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 Damned straight, Narrator.

VENOMOUS:&#160 I do&#160 hope you’re enjoying your new toys, General.&#160 Figures you’d hog ’em all and not share…

RAYEGUN:&#160 Funny you should mention that…

[Cut to external view.&#160 Yet another spatial displacement shimmers & coalesces into a fifth Husnock battlecruiser.

Cut back to Pegasus’&#160 viewscreen.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Meet your new flagship, Admiral – ISS Vengeance.

[It’s a Realm&#153 first:&#160 Admiral Darth Venomous…is speechless.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 What did I tell you, Korrioth?

KORRIOTH:&#160 Five hundred credits on their way, General.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Wait.&#160 You had a bet&#160 on this…?

[Rayegun & Korrioth look away & adopt feral grins as we fade to black…]

IN THE SOUTHERN COMMAND – She had been christened Excelsior II.

That was before I got it out on Texas State Highway 130.&#160 (For the Uninitiated&#153, that’s the Austin-to-San Antonio toll road, where the speed limits run up to 85.&#160 Not that anyone ever observes them…heh…heh…heh…)

This car makes the original Excelsior&#160 feel like driving my old Cavalier.

Damn.&#160 Just, damn.&#160


[SCENE:&#160 Deep space.&#160 His Rudeness, Lord Darth Venomous is on his way back from a (ahem) personal errand…]

VENOMOUS:&#160 I don’t think I like the tone of your “voice”, Narrator.

[And just what were you doing out of pocket for so long, (sarc) my liege????? (/sarc) (As if we didn’t…gakkkkk…akkkkk)]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Comprehension & cognizant thinking aren’t your strong suits, are they, dickweed?&#160 (looks offstage, as the Narrator drops to the floor with a very&#160 hollow sound)&#160 Awright, Understudy, your turn.

[…from a personal errand, and is traveling in his personal courier, the Scorpion-class Excelsior.

A blinking console light catches the Admiral’s attention.&#160 He opens a channel.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Excelsior, Venomous.

KORRIOTH (over speaker):&#160 Korriorh, Admiral.&#160 Stellar cartography update for you, sir.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Very good, Kor, shoot it through.

[He touches a few more switches and opens a separate channel to receive the download.&#160 After five minutes, the download completes and the software channel closes.

At that very moment, everything goes dark as Excelsior&#160 loses power & drops out of warp.

Lord Venomous sits there, non-plussed.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 No, Narrator, just wondering what to do when I get back.

[Get back, m’lord?]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Whether to Force-choke the p’tahk, or use my lightsaber to cut out one of his hearts.

Ever had an Ubuntu kernel update hose your system, Denizens?

That’s three days I’ll never get back.



[SCENE:&#160 Realm&#153 spacedock.&#160 Previously ready to resume her travels, ISS Pegasus&#160 floats, adrift (save for the artificial moorings securing her), mostly powerless.

Cut to the bridge, where General Korrioth busies himself attempting to fix the latest computer crash.&#160 In walks engineer Ozymandias McCool with padd in hand.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Ah, there you are, McCool.&#160 Report, please.

[McCool is rather taken aback – he’s not used to this cordiality from the Klingon-Vulcan hybrid – but does an admirable job of recovery.]

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Not the best news, General.&#160 Probably another week or so to bring the main core online.&#160 Has anyone notified the Admiral yet?

KORRIOTH (grinning wolfishly):&#160 Oh, he knows, Commander.&#160 He knows…

[Cut to SCENE:&#160 Inside the Facebook energy ribbon from the original “Death” series.&#160 From an empty view, two humans, a Klingon, a Romulan and several Bynars & Jawas crash to the floor, lifeless.

Pan the camera to a hooded figure, both arms outstreched, both hands making a Force-choke gesture.

The figure slowly moves his hands to his hood and removes it, revealing Lord Darth Venomous, whose agitated countenance includes a pair of dazzlingly bright purple eyes.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Does anybody else&#160 want to try and say it’s not their fault?!?!?!

Okay, guys, the Big Box&#153 is down again – and yes, it’s because the 2TB (that’s “terabyte” to you in the Church of the SubTarded&#153) has crashed once again.

PFW benediction on hold until further notice – but be advised that I’m invoking Executive Fiat&#153 one last time.&#160 (For details, just look below the banner.)



[SCENE:&#160 Deep space.&#160 Pegasus&#160 is burning.

Cut to interior view, where crew members are hurrying into what passes for escape pods.&#160 Cut to the ship’s cramped excuse-for-a-cargo bay, where His Rudeness’ personal courier, Excelsior…just blew up, narrowly missing Lord Venomous and General Korrioth.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 So help me Cthulhu, Narrator, your union boss best get his ass to running…!

[What, you think this is my&#160 fault?&#160 I didn’t write this crappy screenplay!]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Like I’m supposed to take your word for it?&#160 After what your predecessor pulled?

[You have my word, m’liege – I’m not responsible for this&#160 one, promise.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Fine, then – into an escape pod with you.

KORRIOTH:&#160 I don’t suppose you’ve got a separating bridge module up your sleeve, do you, m’lord?

VENOMOUS (grinning maniacally):&#160 As luck would have it…mheh.&#160 C’mon.

Denizens, this time both machines blew up at very nearly the same time.&#160 Word to the wise:&#160 if you have an older Core 2 or AMD64, don’t&#160 upgrade to Ubuntu 12.04 64-bit.&#160 It no likee.

The PFW recap will be delayed another day or so while I clean things up around here.


KORRIOTH:&#160 M’liege, a moment, if I may…?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Certainly, Captain.&#160 What’s on your mind?

KORRIOTH:&#160 You maintain that the current countdown has eight days remaining, is that not so?

VENOMOUS:&#160 That’s right, Kor.&#160 So?

KORRIOTH:&#160 Far be it from me to question your reasoning, Admiral, but…

[His Rudeness&#153 slowly raises one eyebrow]

VENOMOUS:&#160 This better be good, Bumpy.

KORRIOTH:&#160 …but Mr McCool & I, in going back over the archives, noticed that whereas Zero Hour&#153 this year occurs on a Monday, previous&#160 countdowns this time of year always occurred on a Saturday.&#160 We were simply curious as to what changed.

{Two and two come together in His Rudeness’&#153 mind as glowing purple eyes widen to near the size of quarters.&#160 He snatches Korrioth’s padd from his hand.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Gimme that…&#160 (scans the padd)&#160 Well, whaddya know?&#160 You’re absolutely, bang-on, right-on-the-nose right, Kor.

[The Klingon-Vulcan hybrid stands just a little straighter at the sound of his commander’s approval, then his own eyes turn into quarters at Venomous’ next words.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Nice work…General.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Uh…sir…?

VENOMOUS:&#160 A long-overdue promotion, Kor.&#160 This just confirms what I should’ve done a long time ago.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Th-thank you, m’lord.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Report to the quartermaster immediately and get re-outfitted, General.&#160 I’ll see that they expect you.

KORRIOTH:&#160 At once, Admiral.&#160 [He turns to go.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 …General Korrioth…?

[Korrioth stops short and turns.]

VENOMOUS (nodding):&#160 Nice work.

KORRIOTH (straightening):&#160 Thank you, sir.&#160 [He turns and leaves.]

VENOMOUS (muttering to himself):&#160 …Venomous, you senile old bastard…

Okay, then.&#160 Eight, seven, six.


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(KORRIOTH:  Oh, great.  More wormholes.)

Mozilla Firefox doesn't do too badly, either; in fact, it's His Rudeness' browser of choice.
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