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SAN ANTONIO – (Actually, I probably got it right the first time.)

As I’m sure you know by now, Denizens, the Outer Northern Rim of the Realm™ (aka Oklahoma City) was blasted yesterday, and we here are praying for the missing and the survivors & their families.

At least, those of us with a bare minimum of some semblance of humanity are.  Others…well, not so much.

The mile-wide tornado that destroyed Moore, Okla., and leveled at least two elementary schools was still weaving a path of devastation when Daily Show co-creator Lizz Winstead thought up a funny. Too soon?

With all respect due, Twitchy owner Malicious Malkin…never  would be too fucking soon.  And I guess you and the rest of the Twitched-ass douchbags over there think it’s okay, now that this waste of oxygen has “apologized”.

Made a political joke, Twas before devastation revealed. In hindsight, had I understood, I would have refrained. Beyond sorry. #LetMeHaveIt

Believe me, bitch, you wouldn’t like it very much if I “let [you] have it”.

Trust me on that.

Asswipe. 

Denizens, as you probably know by now, there were two explosions near the finish line at the Boston Marathon today.  Latest count is three dead, 30 injured.  (*UPDATE*:  Now 12 dead, 50 injured two dead, 22 injured, according to Ace.)

This came from the Facebook page of one Nikki Kristof a few minutes ago:

Most inspiring glimpse here of the Boston marathon: runners who reportedly finished the 26 miles and then ran over to Mass General Hospital to donate blood.

And the least  inspiring would have to be this bastard Kristof…blaming the explosions on Republicans.

The @nytimes is advertising its “free” coverage on mobile phones, hoping to use the tragedy to gin up marketshare; meanwhile, Nick Kristof springs into action, blaming the explosion on the GOP:

explosion is a reminder that ATF needs a director. Shame on Senate Republicans for blocking apptment articles.washingtonpost.com/2013-02-01/wor… — Nicholas Kristof (@NickKristof) April 15, 2013

Kristof, you cowardly little pussy, it’s a Damn Good Thing™ you are where you are, and that I am where I am.

Because if I were anywhere near you, you’d be getting your syphillis-infested, skanky, swishy ass handed to you on a platter RightAboutNow™.

Little doucherifles like you, Nikki, need to taken out back and put out of our  misery.  And one of these days, you’re gonna say the wrong thing to someone’s face, and he’s gonna rearrange it to where you need to take your meals through a straw.

And when that happens…I’ll stand that patriot to a beer.

Pansy-assed little chickenshit… 

(Oh, and as to the title of the post…Hey, Nikki, you little cuntmuffin – if you can do it, so can I, you asswipe.)

UPDATE the 2nd:  Well, looks like the pusstard recanted.

People jumping on me for criticizing Sen Repubs for blocking ATF appointments. ok, that was low blow. i take it back

And that’s it.  No apology, no mea culpa.  Just “i take it back”.

What was it they said about toothpaste?

Fuck the law.

Fuck Roe v. Wade.

Fuck 7-2

In fact, fuck those seven bastards who voted for abortion baby-butchering on demand.

Fuck NARAL.  (Fuck NOW, for that matter.)

Fuck every last feminist who defends this barbaric practice.  From Betty Friedan & Kate Michelman all the fucking way down to Gloria Steinem & Andrea Marcotte.

To Hell – literally – with every fucking last one of them.

This son-of-a-crack-whore-bitch is deserving of the most painful, agonizing death imaginable.

Period.  End.  Stop.

And don’t get me started on the @#$%(!!! media – you know, the one that won’t cover any of it?

Infant beheadings. Severed baby feet in jars. A child screaming after it was delivered alive during an abortion procedure. Haven’t heard about these sickening accusations?

It’s not your fault. Since the murder trial of Pennsylvania abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell began March 18, there has been precious little coverage of the case that should be on every news show and front page.

But it isn’t.  And we know why, don’t we?

Fuck ‘em.  Fuck ‘em all.  With a rusty, steel-wire-wrapped, razor-embedded baseball bat.  For starters.

God’s judgement can’t come soon enough on this country, if you ask me. 

Denizens, as we begin this week’s episode of the Perfect Football Weekend™, I wanna direct your attention to the following screenshot below.

Now, obviously I’m writing this before the game’s started (at least, I started  the post in the morning), and they have since changed it.  However…I took this screenshot on Tuesday.

Think maybe there’s something the Lame Stream Mediots™ at the Startlegram know, that I don’t?

Let’s get on with it.  It is my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets against the White Settlement (TX) Brewer hah skrewl  (a little Rush lingo, there) Bears right now as I continue to type this.  I have no idea how good Brewer is, except that they’ve kicked the shit outta both Trimble Tech & Western Hills the last couple o’ weeks.

Uh, oh.

Tomorrow morning, it’s an early breakfast for Gary Patterson and his 16th-ranked TCU Horned Frogs as they travel to Lawrence, KS, to face our old friends and former PFW targets, Rock Chalk.  And I was really  looking forward to this one – at least, until they canned Turner Gill.

KU has Charlie Weis now – and while he’s a good offensive coordinator and a decent enough head coach, he’s not all that great.  If he were, do you think Notre Dame would’ve ever gotten rid of him?

Still, Vegas has the Frogs as a 21-point road favorite – and I just don’t buy that.  Yes, TCU kicked the snot outta Grambling, and yes – Rock Chalk lost to Rice, of all people, at home.  Call it a “trap” game if you want – I just don’t have a good feeling about this one.

Speaking of Turner Gill, his Division I-AA Liberty U. Flames are on the road at Montana this week.  Montana beat S.Dakota State, but lost to Appalachian State (no shame there), so we’ll apply the SpatulaLine and ask Turner to keep it within, say, 35.

Also tomorrow, we’ll see if Bo Pelini’s Nebraska Cornhuskers can throw up something more than a matador defense against perennial powerhouse  (*cough*) Arkansas State.  (Then again, State may be the best team in  Arkansas at the moment.    )

Vegas has the Huskers as a 23½-point favorite at home, so look for it to come down to a Brett Maher field goal.

Bucky – that’s unranked  Bucky, for the first time in Cthulhu knows when – is home Saturday to take out all of their Oregon State frustrations on the Aggies of Utah State.  The Ags just got through upsetting BYU last week though (why anyone considers that an upset is beyond me – that program isn’t exactly headed in a northerly direction, y’know?), so this isn’t a gimme, although Vegas thinks they’re a solid 13½-point favorite at Camp Randall.  The Badgers need to get it in gear fast, though, so we’ll see what happens.

Sunday afternoon, it’s the Dallas C’girlz on the road to take on the Seattle Seahags.  Bucky’s own Russell Wilson starts now for the Seahawks, and word is that he’s a poor man’s ARRRRRRRRRR GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I disagree vehemently.  I think Wilson’s actually got some talent.

(Oklahoma gets a week off to finish digesting Florida A&M.  Burp.)

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.  In the meantime, HDD…how would you try & defend Russell Wilson?

(Hat tip:  Dan Spencer at Redstate, though I’m pretty sure I got it from Malicious Malkin’s list o’ links.)

In the latest Poll Designed To Scare The GOP Shitless™, the Lame-Assed Mediots™ are calling the general election a “dead heat”.

Economic discontent and substantial dissatisfaction with Barack Obama’s performance in office are keeping Mitt Romney competitive in the presidential race – but not by enough of a margin to overcome Obama’s stronger personal profile. The result: A dead heat in voter preferences at the midsummer stage, with the prospect of an epic battle ahead.

Chewing on yer nails yet?

Ah, but here comes the disconnect:

While most Americans continue to disapprove of Obama’s handling of the economy, that’s not his only problem. More than half fault him on health care and immigration as well. Sixty-three percent say the country’s headed in the wrong direction, an unhelpful view for an incumbent. And among groups, he’s losing swing-voting independents by a record 14 percentage points.

So why does this poll indicate a dead heat?

Here’s what they’re not  telling you – and what Redstate is:

The new poll used a sample of 33 percent Democrats, 24 percent Republicans and 36 percent Independents. As we have mentioned before, based upon exit polling, the 2008 electorate was 39 percent Democrat, 32 percent Republican, and 29 percent Independent. In 2010, it was 35 percent Democrat, 35 percent Republican, and 29 percent Independent.

Now, you know me & polls – they’ve never asked me, and there’s only one poll that counts, anyway – the one on November 6th.

But given all this…I’ll sleep tonight. 

Tyson Gay eased through his first 100-meter qualifying heat in the U.S. Olympic trials Saturday, winning in 10 seconds flat.

Gay, mending from a hip injury that kept him out of action for most of the past year, matched the time he ran in his return in New York earlier this month. That race was into a headwind. This time, on a rainy day in Eugene, he had a slight tailwind.

Justin Gatlin, the 2004 Olympic champion, won his heat in 9.90 seconds, keeping alive his bid to return to the Olympics after missing 2008 because of a doping ban.

And now…the headline:

Okay, so last week Bambi suffered the absolute ignominy  of actually being ASKED AN ACTUAL QUESTION!!!!!!  at a press conference.

Boo.  Hoo.  Fuckin’.  Hoo.

And we got the obligatory wringing-of-the-hands-in-mock-angst from none other than Samantha Donaldson, who was notorious for doing it himself to Republican presidents.

Gang, I’m not even sure where to start with this one. RCOB may be a good place….but even THAT doesn’t really come close to describing how entirely peeved I am.

Explosive. Nope, not close either.

Nuclear meltdown. Nope, but getting closer.

Let’s just say I have the ENTIRE base ready to bust outta the gates and deliver some good ol’ fashioned AMERICAN justice to some real PINHEADS over at (P)MSNBupChuck after reading about this over at The Blaze.

MSNBC is not known as a network that sympathizes with the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan, but this Memorial Day weekend, rather than put aside their political differences to salute our men and women in uniform, a panel on Chris Hayes’ show instead engaged in a debate over how to refer to our fallen soldiers.

Specifically, the panel debated over using words like “hero” because– in their words– the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t “worthy” causes.

The comic strips Funky Winkerbean  and Crankshaft  are written (or, in the case of Crankshaft, partially written) by a shit-for-brains named Tom Batiuk (rhymes with “attic”).  His strips run in dozens (if not hundreds) of birdcage liners newspapers across the country…on comics pages which are very easily accessible to kids 3 years & up.

The last couple of weeks, this jackwagon Batiuk has been writing a storyline in Winkerbean  where two heterophobic boys plan to go to a prom together.  Naturally, Batiuk the douchetard is ridiculing those who would object and portraying them in the worst possible light:

Today, in a school assembly, Batiuk the pissweasel reveals his take on what he calls “intolerance” – which, not surprisingly, is the exact same as the rest of the heterophobe/Demoscum community:

Unless, of course, you rightly oppose homosexuality, and having it taught to/practiced by impressionable kids, who see it condoned in society (where only 30 short years ago it was rightly decried and treated as the perversion it is) and want to try it themselves.

In which case, they practice their intolerance towards you.

And the print media industry, which will happily accept this bullshit from Batiuk the heterophobe and run it in their comics pages, will then wring its collective hands in extreme angst and wonder why their many subscriber bases are steadily dwindling away, their readers having long ago decided that they were increasingly tired of being preached to and paying good money to have values they didn’t share shoved down their throats by a group of liberal assclowns.

It’s leftist pussies like you, Tommi Batiuk, that are slowly killing the newspaper industry.  And when we stop giving you our hard-earned money, you bitch at us for being “intolerant”.

ESAD, widdle Tommi.  I imagine you’ve lost a goodly portion of your readers the last couple of weeks.

“F.E.T.E.”, as the Imperial Torturer would be wont to say.

(Hat tip:  Dan Riehl.)

“Well Governor, let me start by saying it’s great to have a different opinion and a different person on the radio and I’m very, very happy that you’re doing this radio show. One of the reasons why I want to listen to your program every day is because you ran for office and you’ve been a politician, you have a different perspective I think.”

—The first caller to Mike Huckabee’s new radio show Monday, 4/9/12

You just can’t make shit like this up.

Well…actually…you can.

In fact, Huckabee…ummm…did.

In fact, “Mike from San Francisco” turned out after some digging to be one Mike McVay, the senior vice president of programming for… wait for it… the Cumulus Media Network. None of which was acknowledged on the air by either “Mike from San Francisco” or, more to the point, Mike Huckabee.

Jeffery Lord goes on to strongly imply (if not state outright) that Huckabee not only was in on it, but may have even had a hand in the staging.

Sad.

I’ve never done that here.  Could very easily, but I don’t roll like that. Any commenter you see here is a real person, really commenting.

True  conservatives don’t have to make shit up, y’know.

So Fox News this morning has this caption on a report about the correlation of crime & gun control – no, I had the sound turned down and didn’t listen to it; FNC is grating enough to my ears nowadays now that they seem to be turning into CNN Lite…

…and the caption reads – and I quote:

RPT: CRIME GOING DOWN DESPITE THE OVERTURN OF CITY GUN BANS

What?  The?  Ever?  Loving?  Fuckity?  FUCK?!?!?!?!!!

Has it not occurred to the pinheads over at Fox News that crime might  be going down BECAUSE  of “the overturn of city gun bans”?!

Libtards far & wide have been calling Fox “Faux News” for years now.  And with this sudden leftist bent of theirs…they might finally be right.

Take a look, Denizens:

Memo to the Blondie  staff (specifically, Dean Young & John Marshall):  Any carolers who give me that “we know where you live” line will find themselves with faces full of 12-gauge.

See, we have a little thing in Texas called “castle doctrine” (it’s also the law in other states, as well).  Means that we can respond to threats in our domicile with deadly force if we see fit.

And “we know where you live” most definitely qualifies.  Capíce???

Just a reminder for you and your “carolers” who think threats like that are cute ‘n clever.

ThatIsAll™.

Jim Hoft reports (via the PO’d Patriot) that Glenn Beck has apparently decided he wants a second Bambi term.

While talking with a caller yesterday morning on his radio show, Glenn Beck said that he would probably pick Ron Paul as a third party candidate over Newt Gingrich, if he had to choose between the two.

(I couldn’t find the blurb, but I’ll take Jim’s word for it.)

Anyway, here’s the vid:

Good luck in your next career, Beck – whatever that is, you moron.

(NOTE:  Hey, Paultards!  Unlike Sister Toldjah, I don’t just let anybody comment here.  You have to register, then  I have to approve your first comment.  And, seeing what you pussies tried to do over on her site the other day, that ain’t likely.  So you Ronulans can shove it up your skanky asses if you don’t like it.

Or you can grow a set, come to my doorstep & say it to my face.  Bring an HMO.)

Denizens, welcome to this week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend™.

Arlington Heights gets its season ended by Birdville tonight, fifth-ranked Smurf Turf Douchebag State proves once again it can’t beat TCU without their so-called “trickeration” (they’ll win, but they’ll have to use trick plays to do so), sixth-ranked Oklahoma has the week off, so we’ll plug in 18th-ranked Wisconsin at UMinne-haha, 19th-ranked Nebraska is at 12th-ranked Penn State, and Dallas has Beefalo at home on Sunday.

And I’m not pontificating on the games this weekend, because I’ve got a Red Curtain o’ Blood™ covering my eyes RightAboutNow™, and a certain Filipina bitch – not to mention a lot of other Lame-Assed Media™ types – are at the top of my shit list.

Some background.  A damned good man lost his job today, and he lost it for the CARDINAL, UNFORGIVABLE SIN!!!!11!!!ONE!!1!ELEVENTYMILLION!!1!…of following Pennsylvania state law.

I refer, of course, to Joe Paterno.

Not that I like Herbie Cain all that much – and until he apologizes to Rick Perry, he can kiss my ass – but I don’t give two flying fucks at rolling donuts what Cain did twenty years ago.

However, a Patterico commenter named Gazzer said it best:

Lessee, John Edwards can knock a bitch up. Ted Kennedy and Dodd can go all “Night at the Roxbury” on a waitress. Billy Jeff can rape with impunity and abuse Castro’s finest export on an intern (amongst other things), but if that Cain so much as looks sideways at a woman…

Nail.  Head.

Find something else, Lame-Assed Media.