Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 7:00
To call it a PFW or not to call it a PFW?  That is the question.
at UBuffalo 26, Akron 10
Turner Gill’s influence is starting to show up in Drew Willy’s performance.  Willy had three touchdown passes in leading the Bulls over the Zips, stopping an eight-year losing streak in the process and – gasp! – remaining unbeaten in the MAC East race.
This could be a stepping stone to bigger & better things for our Mr. Gill.  Yesterday afternoon, SMU
T decided not to postpone the inevitable and fired Phil Bennett’s ass.  Gill could be considered a candidate – he’s got local ties and that Nebraska track record.
It will, of course, mean that I actively track an Anti-Team™ next year, but what the Hell™, eh?
This week:  1-0 (PFW achieved (yeah, it counts)).  Overall:  35-12
The PFW will crank up the warp engines again on Friday – and hope we don’t go into a time warp in the process.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 9:53
This is your brain.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 14:22
[Scene:  the bridge of Pegasus.  Everybody, and I do mean everybody,  is lounging around, looking bored out of their skulls.]
LSIK&T:  Check the schedule again, McCool.
OZY MCCOOL:  M’Liege, I’ve already checked it 14…
[His Rudeness’ Klingon-Vulcan hybrid XO, Korrioth, backhands Ozymandias McCool, sending him spinning & sprawling to the deck.]
KORRIOTH:  Check it again, Lieutenant Whelp.
OZY MCCOOL (groggily):  Uh…confirmed Captain…m’Lord:  The University of Buffalo is the only PFW team playing this week.
MERLIN:  Akron is playing the Bulls at Buffalo.  Turner Gill’s bunch is a one-point favorite.
LSIK&T:  And that’s it???
MERLIN:  Yes, m’Lord.  Heights, TCU, Oklahoma, LSU and the Cowboys are all off this weekend.
LSIK&T:  Great Honkin’ Cthulu™.
T-BONE MCMANX:  Hey, m’Liege, you could go off for a weekend with the Dockmistress™.
LSIK&T (eyeing Merlin warily):  I thought I told you to tell the bridge crew about that.
MERLIN (looking panicked):  Uh…sorry, Your Snarlyness, I confess that it slipped my mind…
[A look of realization hits Merlin’s face, as if suddenly remembering something very  important.  The look is not  missed by the King & Tyrant™.]
LSIK&T:  Merlin?  She’s still there, isn’t she?  They’re both  still there, aren’t they?!?!?!
LSIK&T:  (sigh)  I’d commend you for the torture, Wizard, but I wanted to be rid of this problem a long time ago.
MERLIN (hangs head in shame):  Yes, m’Lord.
LSIK&T:  Awright, everyone.  To the airlock.
(To be continued…)
Okay, guys, I’ll be back Sunday – or hell, maybe even Saturday night – for the recap of the ONE GAME ON THE PFW SCHEDULE THIS WEEKEND…!!!1~
In the meantime – has anyone seen the Humble DevilDog???
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:17
[Scene:  aboard the bridge of Pegasus.  His Rudeness™ is quietly seated in his command chair, focused intently (or pretending to be) on the latest engineering reports furnished him by Ozymandias McCool.  T-Bone McManx is busily upgrading a few circuits in the communications console.  Tactical officer K’hadibak’h amuses himself with a miniature holo-Nintendo game of anbo-jitsu.  Various other technicians & bridge personnel are intent on their tasks around the bridge.
Without warning, the turbolift doors explode outward with a huge CRASH, causing everyone to jump three feet in the air.  Lord Spatula & K’hadibak’h have whirled around, weapons at the ready – K’ha with a disruptor, Spats with the purple lightsaber given to him by his friend and next-door-system neighbor, Emperor Misha.
Standing in what used to be the turbolift doorway is His Rudeness’ executive officer, Korrioth.  Needless to say, the Klingon-Vulcan hybrid is not terribly happy at the moment.]
KORRIOTH:  So help me Fec’lar, I will KILL  the human p’tahk  who wrote this targ shit!!!!
LSIK&T (looking around kinda nervously – the last time Korrioth was this angry, it cost Spats half the engineering crew):  Uh, Kor?  What’s the problem, before you rip a hole in my ship and send us all into space?
KORRIOTH:  HAVE YOU READ THIS?!?!?!?!
Beings from other worlds have excited the popular imagination since the Bronze Age: Both The Old Testament and the Sanskrit epics describe strange beings coming to Earth in flying machines.
LSIK&T:  Well, I rather doubt that about the Old Testament, but that’s no reason…
KORRIOTH:  FURTHER DOWN!!!!
40: Ming The Merciless
Although doomed to be regularly trounced by Flash Gordon, Sir Menzies Campbell is not a suspiciously Asiatic-looking alien warlord. That distinction falls to Ming the Merciless, villain of King Features’ long running Flash Gordon franchise which has spanned cinema serials, comics, and a superbly scored feature film. His appearance has become markedly more reptilian and less evidently racist in recent adaptations, but he remains the number one extraterrestrial emperor.
LSIK&T:  Well, obviously he’s never met Misha…
OZY MCCOOL:  Or Palpatine for that matter…
[Korrioth sends McCool flying across the bridge with a solid backhand.]
39: The Visitors
The antagonists in the successful miniseries ‘V’ and its spinoffs were mouse-eating reptiles who visited Earth cunningly disguised as humans in order to lull mankind into a sense of misplaced camaraderie. Once the deception was discovered an armed resistance to the newcomers was formed, which was just as well as it transpired later in the series that the mice were merely an appetiser and we were the main course. Proof, if proof were needed, that people who look like lizards can’t be trusted.
LSIK&T:  Actually, I always thought Jane Badler was kinda hawt…
[Korrioth has strode over to where Spats is standing.  His Rudeness™ very nearly cringes.]
KORRIOTH:  FUR!!!  THER!!!  DOWN!!!!!!
LSIK&T:  Hmmm…lessee…Romulans…Chigs, whoever they  are…Cylons…Smash Robots…Klingons…Kor, why doesn’t this make you happy?  They think you’re a hotter commodity than the Romulans, after all.
KORRIOTH:  REEEEEEEAD IT, DAAAAAAAAAMITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!
Like their cousins the Romulans, the Klingons
LSIK&T:  Uh, oh.
OZY MCCOOL:  Enlightenment dawns.
T-BONE MCMANX:  I get it now.
KORRIOTH:  K’HADIBAK’H!!!!!  SET COURSE FOR EARTH!!!!  MAXIMUM WARP!!!!!
[K’hadibak’h glances at Lord Spatula, unable to hide the pleading in his face – he’s Klingon, as well, and he’s suffering just like Korrioth, probably worse.]
LSIK&T:  You heard the Klingon, Kha.  We’re going hunting.
And so it was that a certain gaggle of reporters & reporter-ettes located on a certain island-country in the Atlantic Ocean met their end some hours later at the hands of two very  pissed-off Klingons and their custom-crafted-at-Kronos painsticks.  And there was much screaming, weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.  And two particular Klingons enjoyed every last nanosecond of it.
The moral of the story:  Never  tell a Klingon he’s related to a Romulan.  Never.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:00
Last week, I speculated on the possibility of Tom Osborne tapping Bo Pelini to be the new Nebraska Cornhusker head coach, once the requisite firing of Bill Callahan takes place.
He could do me a bigger favor by taking Gary Patterson off TCU’s hands.
Arlington Heights 30, at O.D. Wyatt 49
at Texas Christian 20, Utah 27
UBuffalo 12, at Syracuse 20 (Buffalo covers)
Oklahoma 17, at Iowa State 7
at LSU 30, Auburn 24
at Dallas 24,
TCU’s 2nd-half meltdown proclivities have migrated over to Arlington Heights.
Leading 24-21 at half, Heights gave up three third-quarter touchdowns in being outscored in the second half 28-6.  Heights has probably won its last game under Coach Duke Christian, and he can’t be gone too soon for my tastes.
Drew Willy is becoming a pretty good quarterback in the UBuffalo system.  Once he gets a running game, the Bulls will have a little sum’pin-sum’pin’.
The difference in the game Saturday was that Syracuse ran the ball – UBuffalo didn’t.  Syracuse had 179 rushing yards to the Bulls’ 73.  The Bulls even intercepted Orange quarterback Andrew Robinson a couple of times, but the lack of a ground game doomed them.
Oklahoma was pancake-flat after beating Missouri.  Iowa State was embarrassed as hell after getting stomped by Texas.  Put the two together and you almost had yet another major upset (and what would have been OU’s second this season) in college football.  The Cyclones led, 7-0, at halftime, and were dominating the Sooners.
Fortunately, OU woke up somewhat in the second half, shut ISU down and reserve running back Chris Brown ran for a couple of touchdowns.  A DJ Wolfe interception ended the Cyclone threat for the day.
Call ’em the Cardiac Cats.
Down 24-23, Les Miles went for it on fourth down when the easy thing to do would have been a Colt David field-goal attempt to win the game.  Matt Flynn lobbed a 22-yard fade to Demetrius Byrd with :02 left in the game, despite having a timeout left with which he could have set up the field goal try.
With time expiring on LSU’s national title hopes, Byrd wanted a chance to beat the lone defender on his side of the field.
“Then I got in the huddle and that was the play call, and I knew I just had to go out there and make a play on it,” Byrd said.
Les, can I have those lottery numbers now?
In like fashion to the Sooners, the Cowboys also sleepwalked through the first half.  The Vikings recovered a Patrick Crayton fumble and proceeded to play Harlem Globetrotters with it, doing a lateral and a dribble-fumble on the return before lumbering into the end zone with the ball.  A Romo fumble would have gone for a touchdown as well, save for a Minnesota penalty.
But Chris Canty blocked a Ryan Longwell field goal attempt during the third quarter, and Patrick Watkins returned it 68 yards for a touchdown – the first Dallas sequence like that in 24 years.
OU alum Adrian Peterson’s old Sooner bugaboo, the fumble, reared its ugly head in the fourth quarter.  Jason Hatcher recovered for the C’boys, and the offense converted it into a Nick Folk field goal for the final margin.  Dallas did also engineer a first-possession touchdown drive for the first time in the Romo era (17 games).
Memo to Gary Patterson:  You have a piece of shit team.
You have a shitty quarterback.
You have a shitty offensive line.
You have shitty receivers that can’t catch the God-forsaken ball.
You have shitty running backs that either can’t run away from defenders, or can’t hang onto the fuckin’ ball.  (And yes, I include Aaron Brown in that group.)
You’re so &*@%$&!!! in love with that shitty little 4-2-5 defense, that even when a team where the smallest  offensive lineman runs 305 plows your ass over, you have to fucking stay married to it instead of adding in a fifth lineman to clog up running lanes.  Then  you wonder why you get your ass run through all fucking game.
You have a Swiss-cheese secondary that couldn’t cover me.
You have an excuse-for-a-kicker who’s worse than the one you had last year – and he  was a piece of shit.  The one you have now can’t even make a fucking field goal from 22 fucking yards.
You have a shithead for an offensive coordinator who can’t pull his head out of his ass long enough to figure out when he needs to run and when he needs to pass.
You have a country bumpkin excuse-for-a-defensive coordinator.
You yourself can’t coach your way out of a fuckin’ sack made from eggshell paper.
And your recruiting sucks so badly that you didn’t have a sufficiently experienced quarterback to take the place of a graduating Jeff Ballard.
The $64 million question is, therefore, “Why the fuckin’ hell are you still here?”
Utah took the opening kickoff and shoved it down the Frogs’ throat for a 7-0 lead.  And did so with the same fucking play they ran all night…the same play every  fucking team uses to move the ball on the Frogs – the @%(@!!%(@@ zone read.  Running back stands next to the quarterback; QB takes the snap and plants the ball in the RB’s gut – then reads the defense and either pulls the ball out or lets the back go find a hole that’s pretty much always there.  And instead of throwing a run blitz at them or trying to get upfield pressure, you just let the damned back just crank out seven, eight yards a pop.  The Shitland Ponies of SMU
T used it two years ago to beat TCU in Dallas, and every team has been using it to gash the Frogs ever since.
After an exchange of three-and-outs, Andy Dalton went back to doing what Andy Dalton does best – throwing interceptions.  He threw four tonight, one of which was a pick-six.  Which just happened to be the difference in the game.
Darrell Mack gashed the Tadpoles for 100 yards.  Teams seem to be doing that more and more on the Frogs – even SMU
T‘s DeMyron Martin hung a hundred on them during their 21-7 win over the Shitland Ponies.
Hmmmm.  He might just fit in Nebraska, after all.
This week:  4-2.  Overall:  34-12.
The PFW will return Friday, when I channel Huey Lewis and guarantee that TCU doesn’t lose next week.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 17:49
The Department of Same Song, 16,572nd Verse™ shows us the latest leftard attempt to silence conservatives.  This time, it’s the so-called “Interfaith Alliance” trying to shut up the pastor of First Baptist Church, Dallas, for daring  to suggest that Mormons in general – and GOP presidential pretender Mitt Romney in general – aren’t Christians.
Which, as it so happens, is true.
Look.  Jesus Himself said “I  am the Way, the Truth and the Life; no one comes to the Father but by Me. (emphasis added)  It is faith in Him, and nothing else, that will get a person into Heaven.
But the Mormons don’t believe that.  They believe that it’s not Christ who determines who gets to the Father, but Joseph Smith.  This runs directly counter to what Christ said, and in essence calls Christ a liar.
Mainstream Christianity, particularly the Southern Baptists (of which I am one) have held to this for the entirety of our existence.  So when Robert Jeffress of FBC Dallas tells his congregation that Mitt the Mormon isn’t a Christian, he’s not exactly dropping a bombshell on anyone, y’know?
But apparently when he tells the Dullest Moaning Snooze that he thinks it’s important to elect a Christian president – welllllll, we can just toss his First Amendment rights out the window, can’t we?
So thinks the “so-called” Interfaith Alliance – and I say “so-called” because I’m not sure who or what these jackasses have faith in, but it’s not the God of the Bible – or His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 7:15
We start this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend™ by noting that former Cowboy running back Ron Springs is on life support and near death (in fact, earlier reports on Yahoo! News had indicated he was already brain-dead).
The PFW, and I suspect the entire Cowboy and Redskin Nation (cornerback Shawn Springs is Ron’s son) mourns the impending death of this fierce NFL warrior and fine man.  Ron Springs will be missed.
Next, we note with more than a little bit of anticipation that the University of Nebraska fired athetic director Steve Pedersen on Monday after the worst home loss in nearly 50 years.
Pedersen, as you’ll recall, is the one who gave the Husker Nation the “greatness” (cough) of Bill Callahan – this when both Turner Gill and Bo Pelini were angling for the gig.
Now granted, Turner hasn’t burned up Division 1-A with the UBuffalo program, but he is  making a bit of progress – he’s 3-1 in conference play, and reports indicate they’re starting to play a little better.
Former Husker head coach Tom Osborne is taking over temporarily as AD – and the hope from here is that it’s permanent.
Memo to Tom:  Hire Bo or Turner, and all will be forgiven.  Hell, I’ll even make Nebraska a PFW team again.
KORRIOTH:  Wow, what overwhelming, irresistible incentive.
LSIK&T:  Oh, hush, Bumpy.
Alright, let’s get to it.  We’re doing this early because the Texas Christian Horned Frogs are at home tonight in Mountain West Conference play against the Utah Utes – or, as the more smart-assed among us like to call them, the Oo-taw Ootes.
Now, the Froggies are 4-3, but they’re 1-2 in conference.  This game will go a long way towards determining where – or if  – they go to a bowl this year.
Also tomorrow night, my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets will seek to get a measure of revenge against the O.D. Wyatt Chaparrals.  Wyatt won last year’s game 20-17, so I’ll go out on a limb and predict a squash for Heights.  Not.
Speaking of Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls, Saturday they travel to Syracuse to take on The Second-Ugliest Uniforms In College Football™, aka the Orangemen.  Syracuse simply does not believe in putting any white on their home unis – orange jerseys are trimmed in blue numbers.  (Believe it or not, they actually looked better in Donna McNabb’s day.)  The line is actually Syracuse by 4 – memo to Turner:  see what a couple of wins will do for a program?
You gotta feel for Iowa State.  On the heels of getting smashed by TU…here comes fifth-ranked Oklahoma.  So help me Cthulu, Sam Bradford is licking his chops.  The OU offense gets well this week – look for them to hang 60 on the Cyclones.
Things don’t get any easier for the fourth-ranked LSU Tigers (SIDE NOTE:  I am  pleased that the pollsters apparently realized that the Ken-Fucky loss wasn’t their fault), as they host 17th-ranked Auburn.  But I absolutely, positively, no-doubt-about-it guarantee that the Tigers will win.
OZY MCCOOL:  We don’t get paid enough for these puns.
KORRIOTH:  For once, I’m in complete agreement with you, Ozy.
OZY MCCOOL (looking shocked – Korrioth’s never called him by name before):  Uh…thank you, Captain.
LSIK&T:  Look, guys, is it my fault that both their mascots are Tigers?
MERLIN:  No, but it’s your fault that you have to be so damned corny about it.
LSIK&T:  Aaaaah, go fly a kite.
MERLIN:  In space?
Anyway, LSU’s favored by 11, but I don’t trust that line.  Especially if Doucet doesn’t play.
UPDATE:  According to Holly Rowe of ESPN, Doucet is healthy and will start.
Sunday, the Dallas Cowboys are at home for a return engagement against the
Minnehaha Minnesota Vikings.  This may be a bad time to be catching the Purple & Yellow, as former OU running back Adrian Peterson seems to have found his next gear (he put up a ton of yardage agaisnt the Bears last week).  The Vikings don’t have a pass defense, though, so look for Romo to go nutzoid – around the second half, as usual.
We’ll try to be back Monday for the recap, but it may be as late as Tuesday.  In the meantime…is Bucky ever gonna win another game, Humble DevilDog???
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 11:50
Denizens, we have ourselves a new contestant in the “Mykki Chickenshit’s Dick-Sucking Sycophant Sweepstakes”!
And he’s the Empire’s Imperial Tech Wizard, David J. Allyn!!!!!
First, a little background:  I’m handing the little Communist his ass on a platter, partially due to the fact that he keeps insulting the intelligence of the President of the United States – who has business degrees from both Harvard & Yale – while he himself could only manage a couple of bachelor’s and a master’s from diploma mills like Seattle University (Seattle University?  What’d he major in? Brewing coffee?) and UC Berzerkely (Great Honkin’ Cthulu™, why would any sane person admit to having a degree from there???)
MERLIN:  This is  a Communist sympathizer about whom you speak, m’Liege.
KORRIOTH:  Wait a minute.  Aren’t you yourself the proud owner of merely a high-school diploma?
LSIK&T:  Yeah, so?
KORRIOTH:  I’ve seen some of these exchanges.  His spelling’s on par with that of the Doublewide Bitch Supreme’s is it not?
LSIK&T:  Probably a little worse, truth be told.
OZY MCCOOL:  So while he’s trying to beat people about the head & shoulders for their lack of intelligence, he’s getting out-spelled by a high-school grad?!?!?!
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 7:02
The Realm™ mourns the passing of the sister (sister, Chris?) of Day by Day  artist Chris Muir.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 14:55
I have one question after yesterday:  Why is Tom Brady still ambulatory today?
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 11:06
The Department of Lame-assed Awards That Are Worth Even Less Now Than They Were Before™ brings us news of the Nobel fuckheads in Stockholm further cheapening their pithy little peace award, awarding it to Prince Ozone (“AlGore, for the Uninitiated™) for reason that, despite their babbling to the contrary, have absolutely ZipZeroNada™ to do with, you know, actual peace.
Gore, who won an Academy Award earlier this year for his film on global warming, An Inconvenient Truth, had been widely tipped to win the prize.
He said that global warming was not a political issue but a worldwide crisis.
“We face a true planetary emergency. … It is a moral and spiritual challenge to all of humanity,” he said. “It is also our greatest opportunity to lift global consciousness to a higher level.”
“Ah wan’ yew t’ wor-shhiiiiip  muh-yeeeee!!!! Ahhh babble awwwn ‘n awwwwn ‘n awwwwwwwwn uh-bowwwwt Glowwww-bulllll Warrrrrrmin’ ‘n Ahhhhh blayyym’t awwwwwwwllll awwwwwn Buuuuuush!!!  He beeee-traaaaaayyyyyyd dis counnnntry!!!  Heeee plaaaaayyyyyyyd awwwnnnnn awrrr feeeee-errrrrs!!!”
And for that, Prince Ozone gets a gold medial and a million-and-a-half.  And gets to join those epitomes of dip
shitlomacy, Dhimmi Cah-tuh and Yasma’am Arafuck.
And the morons in Stockholm lose even more of their credibility.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 15:58
This week’s episode of the Perfect Football Weekend kicks off…
MERLIN, OZY, T-BONE, KORRIOTH:  CORRRR…!!!~
[His Rudeness silences them all with a glare]
…kicks off this week by noting the freezing over of Hell™, the sight of pigs flying, the sun rising in the west, Warren Buffet declaring bankruptcy, liberals growing brains, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.
MERLIN:  Uh, oh – what’s happened?
KORRIOTH:  That’s unbecoming a Realm™ officer, Lieutanant.
OZY MCCOOL:  Sorry, Captain.  It’s just that I know what it is.
MERLIN:  What?  WHAT???
The Cowboys receiver taped a laminated letter to his locker Wednesday to inform the media he will not be speaking this week. [Terrell] Owens normally chats for 30 minutes on Wednesdays, but he apparently he did not want to spend his time talking about Patriots receiver Randy Moss, who also wears No. 81.
Due to the magnitude of this week’s game and high volume of questions for the Original 81 about the other 81, I will be taking all questions immediately following Sunday’s game.
Sincerely, Terrell Owens 81
MERLIN:  He’s shutting up?
KORRIOTH:  Not a peep?
LSIK&T:  Believe it, guys.  Our whole reality just got turned upside down.
Okay, enough of that.  Now for the football.  My Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets start the PFW early with a district game against the South Hills Scorpions.  Hard to handicap this game – South Hills won last year and is probably on the upswing, while Heights is struggling just to remain on a plateau.  But both teams played Paschal within a touchdown, so we’ll see.
Saturday, the Texas Christian Horned Frogs are guaranteed to lose.  They’re traveling to Stanford,
Californication California to play the Stanford Cardinal.  (No, not Cardinals – Cardinal.)
The same Cardinal who just upset the USC Trojans.
The heretofore second-ranked  (formerly top-ranked) USC Trojans.
The Frogs are doomed.
Saturday, Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls have a chance to do something they’ve never done (at least, not in Division I-A):  Win a second game in a row.
They’ll be hosting the Toledo Zips – and Great Honkin’ Cthulu, Vegas actually has ’em favored by three.  (Now, we know that that means it’s a pick ’em, but when was the last time that happened for anyone except Temple or Ohio U?)
It doesn’t get any easier for the 6th-ranked Oklahoma Sooners, as they host Chase Daniel and the 11th-ranked Missouri Tigers at Owen Field.  Mizzou destroyed Nebraska at home last week ( ), so this game scares the Hell™ outta me.  OU’s favored by 10½, so again, we’ll see.
LSU takes its top-ranked act to Kentucky to face the Wildcats.  The ‘Cats actually have a good team this year, so even though LSU’s favored by 9½, they probably need to have a care.
Sunday afternoon, the Dallas Cowboys host Bill
Belicheat Belichick, Randy Moss and the New England Pansies.  The over/under on this game will be four Moss touchdowns and two video cameras.
We’re back Monday or Tuesday for the recap.  In the meantime, we’re anxiously awaiting the Humble Devildog’s rant on Bucky’s first loss of the year last week.
ALL:  (dive for cover)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 16:30
Buffalo must really  hate our guts now.
Arlington Heights 21, at Eastern Hills 14
Texas Christian 21, at Wyoming 24
at UBuffalo 31, Ohio University 10
#10 Oklahoma 28, #19 Texas 21
at #1 LSU 28, #9 Florida 24
Dallas 25, at Buffalo 24
There are close to 120 Division I NCAA football programs. Number 117 played what had to have been #119 Saturday, with (for once) the expected result.
Drew Willy completed 10 of 19 for 118 yards, and James Starks ran for 183 yards and two touchdowns.
Okay, so it wasn’t the expected squash.  On the other hand, when you consider that the
Shortdicks Shorthorns had won the last two (three?) games rather convincingly, there was reason to believe they might win this one, too – especially when they set out to decimate the Oklahoma secondary, which for some reason has turned into a block of Swiss cheese.  Jordan Shipley caught a touchdown pass in the corner of the endzone for TU and Jermichael Finley – not to be confused with Michael Finley of the San Antonio Spurs – added one touchdown on a post route.
Neither running game did very much until OU’s DeMarco Murray went on a 65-yard gallop in the third quarter.  (This touchdown would prove to be the difference in the game, as TU matched OU touchdown-for-touchdown otherwise.)  Murray wound up with 128 yards on 17 carries.
Turnovers, for once, plagued TU rather than the Sooners. OU protected the ball all day, while Texas’ Jamaal Charles lost one fumble inside the OU five, and Colt McCoy threw one interception that killed another drive.  Despite all that, McCoy ended up 19 of 26 for 324, while Sam Bradford (aka TU’s worst nightmare the next three seasons) was 21 of 32 for 244.
All in all, a very nice game – and sweet revenge for what TU did to TCU.
Memo to Les Miles:  Uh, you don’t have a favorite set of lottery numbers, do you?
The Louisiana State football coach went 5-for-5 on fourth-down plays, scoring two touchdowns directly and setting up a third off a fake field goal in winning its first game as an AP-Top-25 #1 team since 1959.
Florida gashed LSU early and often.  It didn’t hurt that the Gator line was holding every down, but it rarely got called for some reason.
The defense solidified when it had to, though, causing a couple of second-half turnovers.  Florida quarterback Tim Tebow’s last-gasp pass into the end zone was knocked down as time expired.
Memo to Gary Patterson:  You can whip up on Baylor all you want, you can occasionally beat Texas Tech, Iowa State and sometimes OU – but if you can’t beat Air Force & Wyoming, you need to STFU about the BCS and always being overlooked.
It used to be that Texas Christian was an outstanding second-half team.  The book on the Frogs was:  as long as they were within a touchdown or ahead by halftime, the game was all but theirs, due to their superior adjustments after halftime.
That was not to be against the Cowboys.  Down 7-6, freshman quarterback Andy Dalton (SECOND MEMO TO GARY PATTERSON:  Have you not seen enough to know that you don’t play freshmen at quarterback unless they’re named Sam Bradford?) threw an interception at his own 47-yard line.  Ten plays later, the score was 14-6.  On Wyoming’s next drive, TCU’s long-pathetic secondary was exposed, as three pass-interference penalties set the Cowboys up at the 2.  (Granted, I didn’t get to see the game, so I don’t know if the penalties were legit – but knowing TCU’s secondary as I do, it wouldn’t surprise me.)  Wyoming scored on the next play to make it 21-6, and would kick a field goal in the 4th quarter after yet another failed Frog drive to put the game away.
TCU came back with two touchdowns late in the fourth, and even had a chance to send the game into overtime.  However, Chris Manfredini, playing in the role of Peter LoCoco this year, clanked one off the right upright from 48 yards, indicating that perhaps Patterson should eschew the weekly radio show in lieu of getting his team to play a full 60 minutes and scouting the soccer team for a placekicker.
Speaking of which, the C’boys have found theirs for years to come.  Nick Folk has pretty much vindicated Jerry Jones’ decision, not only to draft him, but then to keep him over Martin Gramatica.  Folk, as you know by now, kicked a 53-yard field goal – twice – to bring the Cowboys back from defeat againt a team they had no business losing to.
He needed to be that good.  Romo had his first really horrific game as a pro, throwing five interceptions (despite being 29 of 50 for 309), two of them pick-sixes, and losing a fumble on a scramble.  The special teams also sucked eggs, allowing a 103-yard kickoff return for a touchdown.
What saved Dallas last night was their defense (three points allowed, plus one very critical interception from Terrence Newman).
Folk, however, was the hero last night.  After Dallas’ Tony Curtis had recovered Folk’s onside kick following a Romo-to-Crayton TD pass (the two-point conversion failed), Romo fired incomplete to Widdle Terri Owens – he actually caught the ball, but the replay officiating, continuing a night of sucky calls against him, ruled that he’d dropped it.
(In fact, Widdle Terri was the victim of three other calls that went against the Cowboys last night – a five-yard penalty for spiking the ball (he didn’t, and replays showed it), a catch that was ruled incomplete (despite replays showing that Bill defenders had forced him out, the refs said he juggled the ball; he didn’t), and a pass-interference penalty on the aforementioned failed two-point conversion that wasn’t called (replays showed he was clearly pushed).
Anyway, Romo then completed two short passes to Marion Barber III and Crayton, setting Folk up at the Buffalo 43.
Bills coach Dick Jauron pulled a stunt which is becoming de rigueur  in the NFL this year, calling a timeout mere nanoseconds prior to the snap.  No matter – the second kick was also good, giving the C’boys the win.  However, expect this particular issue to be addressed sometime in the off-season.
Probably after Buffalo petitions the NFL to let them beat Dallas at least once.
This week:  5-1 (damn you, TCU!).  Overall:  27-7.
The PFW will return Thursday, when we guarantee a loss for the Froggies.  Tell you why then.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 10:35
Can’t promise an everyday posting – not yet, at least.
But this is the one place where I get to say what I want, when I want, and kick the asses of anyone who has a problem with it.  And it’s not to my advantage to give it up just yet.
(Yeah, call it an echochamber if you libtards want.  You’ll find that I’m not the only one that moderates comments – and until you learn that and can demonstrate that you’re capable of showing respect, they’ll continue to be moderated.  My blog, my rules.  Suck it if you don’t like it.)
PFW recap’s on the way. Hang tight.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 16:16
This week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend is going to start…by not talking about football.
OZY MCCOOL: WTF…?!?!
MERLIN: Okay, who are you and what have you done with His Rudeness™?
LSIK&T: Would you guys relax? We’re gonna get to the football. But first, there’s this video I want you guys to check out: