Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 18:50
Got way too much to do tonight, Denizens, so tonight’s nugget comes from LC Juandos:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.
Ted Kennedy & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Dan Rather that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,” retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having ! nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: VOTE
Early, often and for conservatives.
Not Republicans. Conservatives. There’s a difference.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 0:05
Memo to all you Romo-haters: WITY???
UBuffalo 0, at Boston College 41
Oklahoma 26, at Missouri 10
at TCU 26, Wyoming 3
Dallas 35, at Carolina 14
Even though my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets didn’t play this week, the PFW curse lives. Turner Gill, being a Heights grad, watched as his Bulls managed minus twelve (-12) yards on the ground in generating ZipZeroNada against the BC Eagles.
The Oklahoma Sooner defense stepped up for what seems like the first time this season, harassing Mizzou quarterback Chase Daniel and generally making his life miserable for four hours Saturday.
In fact, all OU’s points came off Mizzou errors.
“Opportunistic, I guess,” Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops said. “I don’t know that this should be a surprise because we’ve been playing this way for several weeks now.”
TCU started quickly against Wyoming, both offensively and defensively. Ballard took the Frogs on an 85-yard jaunt through the Cowboy secondary, en route to an early 6-0 lead. Wyoming fumbled the ensuing kickoff, allowing TCU to kick a field goal for a 9-0 advantage.
It would stay that way until the third. LoCoco nailed another field goal, then Marcus Brock added a 3 yard rush for a 19-0 lead. TCU outscored Wyoming 7-3 in the fourth for the final margin.
Not that I was paying that much attention to the game, y’understand. I had a date, see, and…well…
Things didn’t start out too well for Dallas last night. Though they managed to contain Carolina for the first couple of possessions, eventually Jake Delhomme and company put a long drive together for a 7-0 lead. Tony Romo then threw a very iffy interception – “iffy” because not only did the refs blow the call, so did replay.
Carolina turned that into a 14-0 lead. Unbeknownst to the Romo faithful at the time, that’s all they would get. The defense put the clamps on the Carolina offense, and Romo got his legs under him and started moving Dallas’ own offense with some degree of efficiency. (The fact that Carolina had a bad case of the dropsies didn’t hurt things any.)
So Dallas is now 4-3 with the scary part of its three-game roadtrip out of the way, and the next two very winnable, if the ‘Pokes take care of business.
Which I think they will. And, seeing as I was right about Romo, how do you dare doubt me?
This week: 3-1. Overall: 27-18.
The PFW will return on Friday.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 13:25
Today I proved that I can be nice to Demoscum who happen to suffer the misfortune of venturing within arm’s reach. (In other words, I can interact with them without knocking the shit out of ‘em.)
Some bimbo named Smart…yes, I know, a Demoscum named Smart is an oxymoron…came up to me as I was coming home and went into her “vote-for-me-’cause-we-need-CHAAAAAAAYYYYYYYNNNNNNNGGGGG-UHHHH” spiel.
Cut her off. “Y’just lost me, honey. I wouldn’t vote for a Demoscum to save my life.” Started to walk away.
As I was getting to my door I hear some smarmy remark from her about there being “one-party rule” in Texas.
Wish my thoughts hadn’t been elsewhere at that moment – the best I could come up with on a nanosecond’s notice was, “Honey, being a Democrat is your problem, not mine”.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 14:32
As we kick off yet another quest for a Perfect Football Weekend, we are alerted to this story about passing-game coach Todd Haley of the Dallas C’boys and his family’s experience at a Mickey D’s. Seems his wife and her nanny purchased a salad from one, brought it home, and upon beginning to eat it found a dead
rat T.O. inside. (Apologies to rats.) The Haleys have filed suit.
This oughta be good. Pass the popcorn.
On to the PFW. My Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are guaranteed not to lose tonight. Might have something to do with the fact they don’t play.
Saturday, the TCU Horned Frogs have their Homecoming game against the Wyoming Cowboys. Usually you schedule homecoming games against the Little Sisters of the Poor, but UC-Davis wouldn’t reschedule.
The Frogs are favored by 6½ for this game, but I don’t buy that for a second. Give me TCU & 14. Seven if Marcus Jackson starts.
Also Saturday, the 19th-ranked Oklahoma Sooners travel to Columbia to take on Chase Daniel and the Mizzou Tigers. OU’s favored by 2½, and I wonder what OU team Vegas has been watching. This is gonna be a pitch-and-catchfest for Mizzou. Give me OU and 21.
Turner Gill should find the moron who made this 2006 scheduled for the UBuffalo Bulls – and wring his neck. The Bulls travel to Boston College Saturday to play sacrificial lamb to the War Eagles. The line is 35½ – and I’m guessing the final score will be more brutal than that. Gimme UB and 47.
Sunday night, the Tony Romo era officially begins for the C’boys as they travel to Carolina to get their heads handed to them by the Panthers. I’ve got my fingers crossed that Dallas can keep it close, but Carolina is not the team against whom you want to initiate the learning curve. Carolina’s favored by 5 at home; I think it’ll be at least 13.
We’re back Monday for the recap. In the meantime, perhaps LC John Wardle and the Humble Devildog could debate on who’d win between Bucky and the Redskins…
UPDATE: Oops. Forgot to mention LSU.
Understandable – they didn’t play, either.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 6:04
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, the Noo Joisey Sorprano Court must really love the Ninth Circus. For they keep rendering shitty, fuckheaded decisions like this one.
New Jersey’s highest court opened the door Wednesday to making the state the second in the nation to allow gay marriage, ruling that lawmakers must offer same-sex couples either marriage or something like it, such as civil unions.
We’ll refrain from pointing out, once again, how so-called “same sex couples” already have the same exact rights as heterosexual couples do. Neither person in a “heterosexual couple” can marry someone of the same gender, either. Same rights that every limp-wristed heterophobe has in conjunction to every heterosexual.
(Oops, guess I did, in fact, point that out, didn’t I? Ah, well, sue me. (snicker))
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 11:53
Amidst all the hubbub from f’ball over the weekend, we almost missed the fact that Jane Wyatt has passed on. She was 96.
Many of the older set will remember her as the quintessential stay-at-home-mom Margaret Anderson in Robert Young’s Father Knows Best – mom to Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray and Lauren Chapin.
Those of us who are slightly younger (*cough*) fondly recall her as Amanda, the human mother of the Vulcan Spock in Star Trek – a space-based Margaret Anderson, if you will.
The Realm, which bases much of its characters & material on the Trek series, sends the Wyatt family its condolences. Jane will be very much missed.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:00
Well, it’s about time.
at Arlington Heights 17, O.D. Wyatt 20
UBuffalo 7, at Ohio
at #14 LSU 38, Fresno State 6
at #20 Oklahoma 24, Colorado 3
TCU 31, at Army 17
at Dallas 15, New York Football Giants 36
Heights had Wyatt 4th-and-6 close to midfield with four minutes left to go in the game. Naturally, Heights not only lets ‘em get the first down, they let ‘em get the touchdown as well
Time for Duke Christian to go.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 17:34
The Mothergoose in Denton makes our day with this sighting off Hudson Bay.
Probably Michael Strahan’s girlfriend. Get your harpoons ready.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 23:22
Memo to Kevin Tillman: You are an embarrassment to this country, you fucking bastard.
“Somehow, the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes,” Kevin Tillman wrote.
“Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation
All right, asshole, exactly what part of this war is “illegal”? Show me the “law” the United States is supposedly violating, dumbass.
We’re waiting, chump.
has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground,” he wrote.
What would you know about courage, virtue and honor, Kevvie, you fucknozzle? It’s not like you have any, y’know.
Looks from here like friendly fire got the wrong Tillman.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 11:04
Previously, after my horrific experiences being married to the Lady™, I had stated that I wasn’t going to get married again, ever. Period, in fact. And I probably still won’t.
But if there ever is a future Lady Spatula…it’s very likely I met her last night.
Great. Honkin’. Cthulu.
Details to come. One of these days. Maybe.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 17:22
Just got this one from the Mothergoose in Denton.
Sure it’s a classic, but it’s pretty damned good, IYAM.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight! I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time…PRICELESS
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 18:44
That bastion of freedom, the National Collegiate Athletic Association (aka the NatCollAthAsses – emphasis on those last two syllables), has once again triumphed in its quest as the defenders of Truth, Justice and the
Native American Way by running roughshod over Yet Another Threat To Society Because They Had An Injun Mascot.
This time, it was those Allah-philes from Abilene, those Jihadists from Just West of Foat Wuth, that ever-growing menace to civilization, the McMurry University Indians. Their cardinal sin? Existing while having the Indians as their mascot.
McMurry’s solution? Go without one.
After the National Collegiate Athletic Association rejected McMurry’s appeals to keep its Indian mascot, the board of trustees at the private, 1,400-student university dropped the name — and then decided to forgo a nickname altogether.
“Going to a mascot that has four legs and fur just didn’t fit who we are,” McMurry President John Russell told The Associated Press on Monday. “To take another mascot would be to turn our back on our 83-year history. We know who we are.”
Yeah, I know who you are, too, Russell: Spineless wusses. The first thing you should’ve done – well, besides knock the shit of the NCAA’s half-assed excuse-for-a-president – is tell them to go talk to your attorneys…because they’re going to be talking to them.
But hey – maybe you can rename yourselves the Fighting Amoebas! Certainly, it’s highly appropriate, isn’t it?
However, not every school is bending over and dropping trou to the Mascot Police:
Five schools changed or are changing their nickname, including Midwestern State in Wichita Falls, which became the Mustangs. One school was allowed to keep its nickname but was put on a watch list. The University of North Dakota announced that state officials voted to sue the NCAA to keep its Fighting Sioux nickname.
Damned straight, UND. Hell, I ought to add you to my PFW list for that reason alone.
Speaking of which, it’s that time again. Friday night, my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are back at “home” against the
T.O. O.D. Wyatt Chaparrals.
In past years, the Blue-and-Bluer have been fairly respectable, even good. This year, though, they’ve been like South Hills was last year – if they score, they win; if not… And they haven’t won much; they’re 2-3, with (you guessed it) three horse-collars around their necks. I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict Heights in a walk.
Saturday, the TCU Horned Frogs’ one-week unbeaten streak comes to a screeching halt when they take on Army at West Point. Bobby Ross is notorious for making that one key mistake that usually costs his squad the game, but it ain’t gonna happen this week against TCU. Army was one play away from being Texas A&M, and A&M just kicked the crap out of previously unbeaten Missouri, so I want TCU and 16.
Also Saturday, Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls are at Ohio University. That would be Frank Solich’s Ohio squad, which has had 17 players arrested this year for various infractions of one type or another, yet they continue to play. Vegas has UB at +17 – give me 20. But take six off that if UB brings a few .38s…
Saturday evening, LSU takes on yet another creampuff at home – the Fresno State Bulldogs. (Perhaps Les Miles saw the letters “FSU” and thought he was getting Bobby Bowden’s charges?) Oh, well, at least they keep the home fans happy.
Prior to that, Colorado – which just finished kicking the shit out of Texas Tech – travels to Norman to take on the Adrian Peterson-less Oklahoma Sooners. Vegas has OU at -13½, and my question is – Why? Give me OU and 10, ’cause I think Colorado’s gonna win this game.
Monday evening, the Dallas Cowboys take on the New York Football Giants at Texas Stadium. The NFL’s 3rd-ranked rushing attack will meet the league’s top-rated rush defense. Something’s gotta give. And that would be you guys – give me Dallas and 13. (Vegas has ‘em at minus-3½, but Dallas isn’t doing that well this year against decent quarterbacks, and Eli Manning ain’t chopped liver.)
We’ll come back Tuesday with the recap, plus more pissing/moaning about TCU, and likely yet another call for Bledsoe to be benched.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:35
(Hat tip: the SpatulaGoddess.)
Best I can recall, I’ve voted for precisely one Demoscum in my life – and that was when I was too young to know any better.
But dammit, Denizens…this tempts me…
Arizona Sen. John McCain, a likely Republican presidential contender in 2008, joked on Wednesday he would “commit suicide” if Democrats win the Senate in November.
McCain, on a visit to Iowa to campaign for Republican congressional candidates, was asked his reaction to a potential Democratic takeover of the Senate in the November 7 elections.
“I think I’d just commit suicide,” McCain told reporters, to accompanying laughter from Republicans standing with him. “I don’t want to face that eventuality because I don’t think it’s going to happen.”
(sigh) You probably wouldn’t even if they did, McFuckhead. Alec Baldwin setting the precedent ant all that.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 15:22
Amidst all the hubbub about PFWs, One-Legged Man Days where I can’t get shit done to save my life, and Pennsylvania chickenshits whining about how we’re being mean to them ( ), we almost overlooked the fact that Air Scaremerica went and assumed room temperature last week.
Let us all gather ’round now for a moment of silence for the dearly-departed Air America.
(one-quarter of a nanosecond passes)
Okay, that’s enough.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:18
They have no problem calling us the “Extra-Chromosome Right”, do they, Denizens? No worries if they wanna call us “racist”, “sexist”, “homophobe”, or any other of a whole litany of names.
But just pin a label on ‘em that happens to be 100% spot-on, and watch ‘em whine and whimper.
The Department of “Truth Hurts, Doesn’t It?″ brings us news of this temper tantrum by John-boy Murthafucker (Cut ‘n Run Cowardcrat-PA), who isn’t happy at all that he’s been positively identified for who and what he is.
Rep. John Murtha, a decorated Marine veteran who favors withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq, wrote an essay for Sunday’s Washington Post blasting Republicans for referring to him and other Iraq war opponents as “Defeatocrats”.
Let’s get one thing straight, Murthafucker, you chickenshit: We’ll call you whatever the Hell we want to – and what the fuck do you think you’re gonna do about it?