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…if you’re not ready to hear the answer.

Oldie but a goodie.

Lawyers should never ask a Texan grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small town Texas prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Howard. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Lindquist since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

Some guy name of Crager posted this on Facebook Friday afternoon.

So one of our fire stations starts having trouble with the dispatch system (receiving other stations’ calls, etc). In the process of troubleshooting, the station’s own dispatch computer crashes. Hard. The backup unit doesn’t work all that well, either (read: it doesn’t work at all).

So I get a known-good dispatch computer to the station, get it successfully re-configured, re-joined to the network, all that silliness – and no sooner do I get it online than the entire dispatch system citywide…goes toes-up.

Anyone wanna start a pool on how soon I go bald from tearing my hair out? %-P

Well, I hear tell this guy’s gone almost completely gray in the span of two months, so… 

…uh…crappy goo…ear…uhhhhhh…

(plop!)

Here’s the proof we needed to link Al-Obambi with the godfather of the socialist-marxist utopia that the progressives are salivating for:

{spew alert engaged}

{spew alert disengaged}

ThatIsAll™

By popular demand…

MERLIN:  Meaning, of course, that it’s what you want, even if none of the rest of us do.

VENOMOUS:  Meaning, old man, that it’s what Mrs. Venomous wants, and she still has the cast-iron skillet.

MERLIN:  (ulp!)

…here once again, is the recipe for “Vodka Christmas Cake”.

You will need:  1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1…bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.  Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.  Beat again.  At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.

Try another cup just in case.  Turn off the mixerer thingy.  Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.  Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.

Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.  Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the Vodka.  Now $%^& shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one table.  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.  Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.  Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

KORRIOTH:  Does it work with Romulan ale?

VENOMOUS:  Yeah, but you might not get past “Take a large bowl…”

KORRIOTH:  I’ll risk it.

OZY McCOOL:  You would.

KORRIOTH:  (grunt)

…like…uh…me.  (grin)

Hmm.  Gotta remember to stock up on wallets. 

Denizens, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ve no doubt become attuned to the new dance craze sweeping YouTube – “Gangnam Style”.

The Emperor has judged a competition of sorts over at the Rott.

Of course, you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen it in the original Klingon…

Mheh. 

For your Sunday, Denizens – and since I know that at least some  of youse guys (mheh) will be doing this this weekend – a short primer on the art of changing oil.

Below the fold, ’cause it’s kinda long – but a good read and always well worth your time, because I said so. 

This happened yesterday morning at the State Fair of Texas.

Man, they’ll fry anything there these days. 

Not quite as easy when your All-Universe™ offense is going against an experienced  defense, is it?

BWAH-HAHAHHAHAHAHA…!!!!1!!ELEVENTEENTYMILLION!!!!!111!!~

Rather blatantly highjacked from FB

Little Johnny even gets it right!!!!! Must be a TEXAS boy!
—————–
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’

Just got this from my sister-in-law.

It’s kinda long, so it’s below the fold, but you’ll like it, so read it.

That’s an order. 

And the final word, Denizens, from the Demoscummic National Circle-Jerk Convention Circle-Jerk…comes from none other than the Patron Skank Saint For Abortion™, Ms.  Gloria Allred:

Feminist lawyer Gloria Allred told The Daily Caller that she is supporting President Obama because he “cares” about protecting women’s rights while Republican nominee Mitt Romney will “take away our contraceptives.”

[...]

“Do I trust Romney and Ryan with my reproductive rights and the control over my body and my daughter’s and my granddaughter’s body? Absolutely not. This is not close,” Allred said.

Trust me, Glory baby…you have no worries when it comes to your “reproductive rights” and your right to an abortion.

Your face is doing a kick-ass job of that all on its own.

Hell, how you ever coaxed that p-whipped beta-male of yours to even get within 50 feet  of that  Bermuda Triangle is beyond me. 

I got this from Professor Mentu over at the University of Man blog, who in turn got it from Comedy Central’s (?) Tosh.0.

See if you don’t find yourself nodding your head at least once.  Whilst trying to not have a coronary from laughing yer ass off.  (It’s mildly NSFW, but it’s not that bad.)

Fret not, Denizens. The PFW overview is on its way.

(H/T to Government Gone Wild)

Just had to post this AWESOME retort to dictator-wannabe Al-Obambi and his commie/Marxist/socialist attitude towards businesses specifically — not to mention anti-American agenda in general…

Excuse me while I very un-General-like ROFLMAO!!!!!

ThatIsAll™