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ONE!

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All hands on deck.

MERLIN:  Ready, m’liege.

OZY McCOOL:  Engineering reports full power to engines, Admiral.

KORRIOTH:  We’re not going anywhere, Ozy.

OZY McCOOL:  The Admiral demands operational readiness at all times, General.

KORRIOTH:  Point.

K’HADIBAK’H:  Tactical ready, m’lord.

RAYEGUN:  Southern Command ready as requested, y’old geezer.

THE GENERALETTE (smacking Rayegun, Gibbs-style):  You be nice.

RAYEGUN:  Yes, dear.

T-BONE McMANX:  Communications ready, sir.

THE SPATULAGODDESS:  Didn’t we do something like this a couple of years ago, hon?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):  HON?!?!?!  (waves iron skillet around menacingly)

VENOMOUS:  Put a cork in it, babe.  She’s entitled.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):  And why am I not the SpatulaGoddess?!?!?!

VENOMOUS:  Because you’re Mrs. Venomous, and you don’t look like Eva Longoria.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):  GRRRRRRRR!!!

VENOMOUS:  Shut it, woman.  I have a post to write.

MRS. VENOMOUS (dejected, with cast-iron skillet):  Yes, honey.

VENOMOUS:  I’ll make it up to you, sweetheart…say, with Rafain’s?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet & ears perked up):  Ooooooh!!!

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Two!(sorry, miscounted)

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And once again…the “dress rehearsal” turns out to be a clunker.

Dallas 20, at Miami 25

Cincinnati 19, at Arizona 13

at San Transexual 19, San Diego 13

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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FOUR!

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Denizens, for this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend, we’ll point out that, while Widdle Mikey Sam may be the first limp-wristed douchebag to kiss his fellow butt-buddy on ESPN for all the fucking world to see – he is not  the first faggot in the NFL.

One of those who preceded him, in fact, just shook down the Minne-haha ViQueens for a wad of dough.

Calling his settlement with the Minnesota Vikings an opportunity “to do a lot of good for a lot of people,” Chris Kluwe announced his fight with the team is over.

The Vikings and Kluwe’s attorney Clayton Halunen announced Tuesday morning that they had reached a settlement to resolve the former punter’s allegations of homophobic behavior by the team. It put the issue to rest 7½ months after Kluwe first published his allegations and avoids the prospect of a lengthy legal battle.

The Vikings had initially announced a $100,000 contribution to charities that support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender causes, and they will make additional contributions to five LGBT-friendly charities over the next five years. The team will also enhance sensitivity training that is already required throughout the organization.

The parties did not announce the financial terms of the settlement, but Kluwe said he will not receive any money.

Raise your hand if you believe that.

(crickets)

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

The turd claims he was discriminated against & cut because he’s a faggot.  I tend to think it’s because he’s a shitty football player.

But that’s just me.

Tonight, we’ve got the Cowgirlz in the South Beach swamp to play the Dolphins.  If they continue to improve as they did last week, I expect a victory tonight.  Particularly since the Fins still aren’t all that good.  But we’ll see.

I may also have an opinion on some other matchups this weekend, such as Panther-Patriot, Jet-Douchebag and/or REDSKIN!!!!!!-Raven.

That recap will be either Monday or Tuesday.  See you then.

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Not quite as easy  as you first thought, is  it, San Diego?

at Dallas 30, Baltimore 37

at Seattle 41, San Diego 14

at The Washington REDSKINS, YOU PROFESSIONALLY OFFENDED BASTARDS 24, Cleveland 23

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Denizens, this’ll be a quickie Perfect Football Weekend™, because Saturday chores overwhelmed us to the point that we ran out of time, but I do have a bone to pick with the NFL.

In the preseason, the NFL home office always issues what are called “points of emphasis” when it comes to new rules – or, in this case, a crackdown renewed emphasis on old rules.  This year, it’s the “defensive holding” and “illegal contact” penalties that we’re always screaming about not being called.

Except now they are.  Every play.  Every.  Damned.  Play.

And it’s slowing the game down to being almost even more unwatchable than all y’all are screaming that it is now.

Sigh.

Awright, let’s get on with it.  We’ve already had a couple o’ games already, which I’ll touch on in the recap on Monday.  I’m writing this as Baltimore’s starters are torching Dallas’ backups (it’s 24-10 now).  Yeah, Little Juanita Harbaugh.  Real ballsy of ya.

It is any wonder that the Harbaughs are considered (in these quarters, anyway) as the pussies of the NFL?

We’re back on Monday (I hope) with something resembling a recap.

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[SCENE:  Onboard ISS Vengeance, inside Admiral Darth Venomous' quarters.  Lt. T-Bone McManx, ship's communications officer, has just entered & handed His Rudeness™ a data padd.

Venomous takes the padd, reads it, and hangs his head in grieving.  After a moment, he looks up.]

VENOMOUS:  Thank you, T-bone, that’ll be all.

T-BONE McMANX:  Aye, sir.  [McManx exits.]

[Venoumous slumps in his chair as if badly discouraged.  He remains that way for minutes, then straightens and reaches for the comm panel.]

VENOMOUS:  Venomous to Korrioth.

[A brief pause, then the general's booming voice crashes through the speaker.]

KORRIOTHnuqneH?

VENOMOUS:  Come to my quarters, please, General.

[One can almost hear the hesitation in Korrioth's response.  The last time the admiral requested Korrioth's presence in his cabin, it wasn't a pleasant thing.]

KORRIOTH:  On my way.

[Two minutes later, Korrioth is standing at attention in front of the admiral.]

KORRIOTH:  Reporting as ordered, m’lord.

[Venomous hands Korrioth the padd.  Korrioth begins to read.]

StarTrek.com is saddened to report the passing of Arlene Martel, who died on August 12 following a heart attack. The veteran television and film actress had a career that spanned parts of seven decades, dating back to the golden age of television, but she was arguably best known for her role as T’Pring in the “Amok Time” episode of Star Trek: The Original Series.

[Korrioth finishes and looks back at the admiral.  It is difficult to deal with the news of the death of his mother, even moreso in front of his superior officer.  Venomous breaks the silence.]

VENOMOUS:  Take whomever you need with you, my friend.  Our next mission can wait.

KORRIOTH:  Admiral, I…I would request the entire senior staff accompany me.  Including yourself, sir.

[Venomous ponders this a moment, then looks back up at his half-Vulcan, half-Klingon exec, saying nothing. He then reaches for the comm panel.]

VENOMOUS:  Venomous to bridge.  Mr. K’hadibak’h.

K’HADIBAK’H (through the speaker):  Bridge. K’hadibak’h.

VENOMOUS:  Set course for Vulcan, K’ha.  Maximun warp.

K’HADIBAK’H (through the speaker):  Aye, sir.

VENOMOUS (looking back at Korrioth):  It would be my honor, General.

[Cut to exterior view as ISS Vengeance  shoots into warp.]

The Realm™ offers its condolences to Arlene Martel’s family.

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I’ll grant them this much:  They upgraded their backup quarterback.

Dallas 7, at San Diego 27

at Detroit 13, Cleveland 12

at Arizona 32, Houston 0

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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As his Rudeness kicks off another PFW season, I find myself thinking football whether I want to or not.

Last week I had the pleasure of attending a conference in Seward Nebraska which was attended by Lutherans from all over the Country. Among those attendees was a young lady from Green Bay; when I asked her about season tickets, it seems that her family has been on the waiting list for years, and is still years away from the top. According to her, and others, Green bay Season ticket holders put their tickets in their wills.

One just has to admire that level of loyalty.

Now if we could just engender that sort of loyalty to the Church.

 

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Denizens we’re gonna get the Perfect Football Weekend™ machine started up with a Pro Football Hall of Fame™ induction that makes the bastards at Nobel look positively legit.

The excuse-for-an-inductee:  Widdle Mikey Gaptooth

Strahan’s pro career got off at a turtle’s pace, as well. A foot injury limited his rookie campaign of 1993 to just nine games. Despite starting 15 games in ’94, Strahan posted a mere 4.5 sacks. The next year, New York’s defense was supposed to be a top-notch unit … until Dallas stormed Giants Stadium on the season’s first Monday night and rocked Big Blue 35-0 in front of a national television audience. Throughout that season and the next, though, Strahan began to hold his own, but still only produced a grand total of 12.5 sacks — not even close to Hall of Fame production for an edge player. Strahan showed potential in these early years, but he was still learning the game and definitely took his share of lumps.

Then in 1997, a light bulb seemed to come on under new defensive coordinator John Fox. Strahan got to the quarterback 14 times and earned first-team All-Pro honors. Meanwhile, Big Blue rode its defense to a playoff berth. The guy who barely knew the sport had developed into a dominant force. Over the next 10 years, Strahan racked up 109.5 sacks, including an NFL-record 22.5 in 2001 — a feat which earned him that season’s Defensive Player of the Year award. And of course, he rounded out his career by winning a ring in his final game.

That “NFL record” sack he got?  Brett “Hey, Jen, lookit my wang!” Favre laying down for the bastard.

Here…have a look:

Boy howdy, he sure’s hell “earned” that one, didn’t he?

Add to that the fact that shitty officiating gave the NY Football Douchebags both  of their recent Super Bowl wins – yeah, I said both  of ‘em, you East Coast fuckheads – and there’s absolutely no fucking doubt that this is the least deserving HOF inductee ever.  (Well, at least until Donna McCrabby & his soup-hawkin’ mommykins get their ugly asses in.)

Let’s get to the football.  Right now, we have the annual Harbaugh Bowl™, with Baltimore’s John taking on San Transexual’s Jim in preseason f’ball (Balt’s up 10-3, and just intercepted the Whiners’ eighth-string QB at their 25).  On the toob this weekend will be games like Saints-Rams & Browns-Lions.  Yawners, except we should get to see the NFL debut of Johnny Football, so there’s that.

Tonight, it’ll be the C’girlz vs. the SanDiego…SuperCharrrrrgerssssss!!!! (a little Chris Berman lingo, there).  Romo’s not playing, so the ‘Girlz might actually win.

Oh, but Phillip Rivers will probably play a series & throw a touchdown. Never mind.

We’re back Monday or so with something resembling a recap.

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Ladies & gentlemen…I give you your  2014 Darwin Award winner.

Oscar Aguilar is a man about town in Mexico City, documenting his indulgent endeavors through a slue of selfies on Facebook. Perusing his page, Aguilar is seen posing for pictures in front of sports cars, perched atop expensive motorbikes, and of course the quintessential photos any respectable album must have — your’s truly embracing attractive women.

Aguilar needed to add more bang to his Facebook pictures, so naturally the next step was a selfie with a gun. Knowing how to use it was of lesser importance than impressing his internet friends with the photo — Aguilar accidentally shot himself in the head while posing with the gun that he failed to realize was loaded, United Kingdom’s ‘Metro‘ reported.

The 21-year-old social media phenom died on the way to the hospital in Mexico City.

What.  A.  Dumbass.

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Denizens, the “decision” to which I had referred back in April (yeah, yeah, I know…some “next few days”, eh, Venomous?) was going to be to close This Fine Blog™.  I have neither the time, nor inclination anymore, to write.

I have a new house.  The workload at my job is ponderous.  Ponderous, man, fuckin’ ponderous! (a little Casey Kasem lingo, there)  And not to put too fine a point on it…certain in the Blogosphere have proven to me that it’s not worth putting up with it.

But, having said all that…I still have one last Perfect Football Weekend™ season left in me.

Those of you who’ve read me for any length of time know that about this time every year, I start jonesing for football (not to be confused with Jerry Jonesing for football, which means making stupid-assed decisions year after year, thinking having a Victoria’s Secret© at AT&T Stadium is more important than having a winning football team on that house’s field, that sort of thing), which means everything & everyone else take back seats.

So here we are.  Once more through the breech, dear friends.

Same rules as always: I follow my teams here, you follow your teams in comments.  I don’t give two flying fucks at rolling donut holes how your teams do – just how mine do.  And the football weekend isn’t Perfect unless all my teams win.  (Unless I declare Executive Fiat™, which will always come with an explanation.)

Here are the teams I’m following:

1.  High school:  The (Fort Worth) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets.  Year Two for Phil Young and the Jackets, and the good news this year is that Aledo (a 7-84 loss last year) is not on the schedule.  Thus, a 5-5 playoff team from last year looks to have a better season.  They start with White Settlement Brewer (wait, not Azle? not Birdville?) in four weeks.

2.  College:  The Texas Christian University Horned Frogs.  Year Three in the Big 12 11 10 However Many There Are for Gary Patterson and the Tadpoles.  GP still has the delustional idea that Trevone Boykin is a quarterback, so look for another 4-8 year or so. But he has a couple of new offensive co-coordinators, and he still has a decent enough defense, so we’ll see what happens.  Now to see which teams are crappy enough to lose to them…

3.  Pro:  The Dallas Cowboys.  Another year, another Sean Lee season-ending injury – this time before training camp even starts.  His knee, of course.  Thus, a defense that was already suspect is probably going to be just as bad this year.

One more new piece for the offensive line, plus a new play caller (Scott Linehan), and they’ll have to keep the Cowgirls in games again.

Look for 6-10, and Jason “Red-Headed Jebus” Garrett’s exit from the franchise shortly thereafter.

In addition, this year we’ll play things a little differently.  I’ll pick one or two games at random that interest me – some from past PFW teams, some from teams that have never shown up here before.  (Look for Turner Gill’s Liberty University team a lot here.  And anytime I sense that one of my least favorite teams is going to get their heads kicked in – you know, SMU, Arkansas, Boise State, that sort – it’ll show up in the list.)

Now, I was hoping to at least have a blurb about the Hall of Fame Game™ in Canton prior to publication, but that home thing reared its ugly head again.  So I’ll just mention that the NY Football Douchebags beat Buffalo last night – seriously, who doesn’t  beat Buffalo? – and leave it at that.

We’ll return Thursday with the first installment of the season, when I rip the Hall of Fame committee (or whomever picks these guys) for one of their stupid-assed selections.

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