Denizens, it's Ma's Day, as you know.

Now me, I have no one to wish a Happy Mother's Day.  Mine's long since dead, as are both my grandmothers, and though there's not as much of it now, there has  been enough friction between myself & my stepmother to where I don't really feel led to express those sentiments.  (Besides, she has four kiddos of her own; let them  handle it.)

And if anyone this side of sanity thinks I'm wishing Steffi the Doublewide Bitch Extreme Supreme™ a happy Mother's Day - get back over to the other side of sanity where you effin' belong.

Which, after all that, leaves only one option for this King & Tyrant™.

Go here and wish the SpatulaGoddess a Happy Happy™.

That's an order. 

I'm stealing this from Zippo the Pirate.

Oil Change Instructions fer Wimmens

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

=====

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Denizens, your King & Tyrant™ is a little under the weather right now (and for once, it has abso-friggin'-lutely squat  to do with the Migraine Nebula    ), so posting will be a little lighter than usual.

As in, there might be nothing pertaining to original content until, say, Tuesday.

Still have plenty of stuff from the Grab-Bag™, though, so keep checking back.

[SCENE:  Deep space.  Pegasus  has traversed a sizable portion of the quadrant, and now finds itself in Shelliak Corporate space.  A warship blocks her path.

On the bridge, Captain Korrioth is engaged in...ah...a discussion  with the representative from the Shelliak over the parts & materials they need for the new Battlehawk-class dreadnaught.]

The Department of Perspective Please, People! turns in this report on some Plano ISD students who could probably stand to invest in somewhat thicker skins.

Some Plano students who are Jewish say they were pressured or taunted to pick up copies of the New Testament from school display tables during recent weeks.

While their fellow Jews half a world away are surrounded by their enemies, face daily rocket attacks in some cases, and are (in some quarters) blamed for everything from 9/11 to the common cold.

You poor, pitiable, picked-on pissants.

Their parents have called for changes in district policies that allow outside groups to distribute materials on campus.

Because as we all know, we Christians are still burning 'em at the stake and engaging in Torquemada-style Inquisitions™ agin'em all.  Rack, thumbscrews, 40 lashes, battery-enhanced electrodes to the nipples - we're just torturing  'em all until they CONVERT, BAH GAWD!!!!

"Probably the one I heard the most was, 'If the Bible touched you, like, will you burn or something?' " said Jeffrey Lavine, 16, a sophomore at Vines High School. "I sort of played it down as a joke and everything, which it was, but it was definitely a meaner comment than what we're used to."

I think it's a damned valid question, myself.  Why are you guys so afraid to even touch  the New Testament?  Do you think it was written in pigs' blood or something?  Do you honestly believe you'll suffer spontaneous combustion if you so much as lay a pinky thereupon?

Plano officials said they pulled aside some students to talk about respect and tolerance after the recent complaints, but no students have been disciplined.

Of course, if some Plano students were to express extreme disrespect towards Christianity, we all know what would happen to said students, don't we?

CRICKETS:  (chirp chirp!!!)

Exactly.

Cheryl Halpern, who is Jewish, said it's especially tough for kids who aren't Christian. Her sons saw the Bible displays at Frankford Middle School last week.

The horror!!!!! (gasp!!!)

"Being a minority religion, we're concerned when materials are distributed that may create uncomfortable situations for our children with their classmates," she said.

Because as is common knowledge all around this great country of ours, it's not the crumb-crunchers' education  that's the top priority - it's the little rug-rats' comfort.  Nothing else matters - right, Ms. Hslpern???  Cain't mess with the widdle knee-highs' self-esteem, can you, you ass-hatted moron-ette?

How about you enroll your kiddos in school along the Gaza Strip, bimbo, then  tell me about your kids' "comfort"?

Sheesh.