Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 19:42
Would someone please remind Bill Parcells why Billy Cundiff was in his doghouse in the first place?
Oh, wait – never mind. Cundiff already did.
Oklahoma 42, Oklahoma State 14
#3 LSU 19, Arkansas 17
Dallas 21, Denver 24 (OT)
LDPYFL Bengals 33. Greater Houston Southside Packers 0
The Bengals, for whom the SpatulaGoddess’ squids played the year before, are on their way to Orlando to play in the national Pop Warner championship after only allowing 25 points through 13 games while scoring 20 or more in every game save one. Go Bengals!!!
This just wasn’t OSU’s year. The Sooners raced out to a 21-0 lead, then coasted the rest of the way. Adrian Peterson finally regained his old form after the high ankle sprain.
Bo Pelini’s defense was vindicated yet again:
“Time and time again we had to turn to the defense and the defense came through,” first-year LSU coach Les Miles said. “There were miscues on the offense … but the defense came to play and we won.”
LSU’s won nine in a row, and no opponent has scored more than 20 in that span. The Tigers’ defense scored yet another safety on a bad Arkansas punt snap. The safety provided the margin of victory, and once again solidified my belief that Nebraska picked the wrong head coach to lead its program.
Drew Bledsoe once again snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory on Thanksgiving, throwing an interception that Chump Bailey (typo? No, there’s no typo – why do you ask?) picked off and ran back for a score.
Absent that, Billy Cundiff’s 34-yard miss in the fourth quarter doesn’t seem quite os huge. But miss it he did, and despite Vinny Lite’s massive blunder, that field goal could have won it for the Cowboys.
Instead, Ron Dayne rumbled 55 yards on the second play of overtime, setting up Jason Elam for the winning field goal – and ensuring that my continued call for Tony Romo to start at quarterback – and anyone but Billy Cundiff to kick for this motley crew – will continue apace.
And with that, we bid a fond farewell to the Perfect Football Weekend for another year. My teams – the Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, TCU Horned Frogs, OU Sooners, LSU Tigers and Dallas Cowgirls – have so far gone a combined 42-13, with five games left to go for the Cowgirls, for a winning percentage of .764, and three bona-fide PFWs. Not bloody bad, if I do say so myself.
We’ll crank this back up in August 2006. Maybe by then, some football franchise will have finally realized that Bo Pelini’s a helluva coach.
Oh, and Bo? When that gig comes through for you, remember – Turner Gill’s your offensive coordinator. Take that to the bank.
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled Demoscum-bashing…
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 17:24
Was a One-Legged Man-type day today. (Fact is, may be a lot of those coming; I’m not sure how much blogging time I’ll get in this new gig.)
Fortunately, the Mothergoose came riding to the rescue with this gem.
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS POEM
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
see employment folk.
Nice man treat me
good in there,
Say I need to
“You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door.”
they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep
By and by,
I got plenty money,
Thanks to you,
Write to friends
Tell them ‘come
fast as you can.’
They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks
They come here,
we live together,
More welfare checks,
it gets better!
they moving in,
But neighbor’s patience
Finally, white guy
Now I buy his house,
and then I say,
“Find more aliens
for house to rent.”
And in the yard
I put a tent.
Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw the welfare cash!
And soon we
own the neighborhood.
We have hobby
it’s called breeding,
for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
We think America
darn good place!
Too darn good for
the white man race.
If they no like us,
they can scram,
Got lots of room in
Makes you wanna grab the thirty-aught and head to the border, doesn’t it?
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 7:00
Yep, Denizens, you read right. As of 0800 this morning, yours truly is going back to work. As in, full-time back to work.
It’s not the best job I’ve ever had, and it doesn’t pay as much as I’ve ever made, but it’ll keep me somewhat afloat until something better does come along.
Besides which, the Orange Jack-ass (not to be confused with Professor Jact-ass, who still hasn’t offered any evidence that conclusively proves evolution – whatsa matter, Perfessor, can’t just come out and admit that a Creationist handed you your stinky ass on a platter one more time? (snicker))…
…uh, where was I?
…Oh, yeah: the Orange Jackass has dropped my severance package into my bank account. Five digits, not as much as I’d hoped, thanks to Uncle Sugar, but at least some credit card companies will like me a bit more now.
The PFW benediction will have to wait until tonight or Wednesday. I have to finish putting up the Realm′s Christmas – yes, Christmas Tree, and Tuesday night…well, let’s just say I’m occupied that night and leave it at that. (grin)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 18:07
A travel tip for all you weary pilgrims down Central Texas way: If you find yourself near…oh, say…Crawford – and you…ah…should feel the need, shall we say – may I…um…recommend a repository for the result of your…ahem…bodily function?
Anti-war demonstrators gathered Friday at the Crawford Peace House for the unveiling of a stone monument with the words “Sheehan’s Stand,” a tribute to the August protest that drew thousands to President Bush’s adopted hometown.
How nice of the Anti-War Whore and her limp-wristed minions to offer up a rest stop for the rest of us. (chortle)
Cindy Sheehan, the fallen soldier’s mother who led the 26-day protest near Bush’s ranch, cried when she saw the 2-foot-high, 4-foot-wide sandstone marker.
And see? It’s even the perfect height. The Army Corps of Engineers couldn’t have designed a better urinal.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 8:10
From the “Where There’s Smoke, There’s Usually Fire” department, Entertainment Tonight confirms what a lot of us had know for a while – that Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson have traveled to Splitsville.
“After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways,” the couple said in a statement Wednesday. “This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.”
Back in October, rumors of a split started to swirl when Jessica arrived solo (and without her wedding ring) to her sister ASHLEE’s 21st birthday in Las Vegas and Nick, who was scheduled to be there, was a no-show. Nick and Jessica were also reportedly apart for two more special dates: their 3rd wedding anniversary on October 26 and Nick’s 32nd birthday on November 9.
Word to the wise, Jess: First, if it’s evident to everyone, it’s pretty pointless to deny it.
Secondly, next time…try marrying someone a little less famous, and don’t move into a glass house together, mkay?
You’re welcome. (snark)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 8:45
I first penned (penned?) this screed (g) on 11/17/01. I thought it appropriate, it being Thanksgiving and all, to jot down a list of those things for which I was thankful. This year, the tradition continues, below the fold, again with only a few minor tweaks:
First of all, let me once again apologize for not blogging as much as I wish I could. Ideally, I’d be cranking out two or three posts a day. There’s certainly that much going on in the world, and it tears at my gut to be missing the opportunities to write about these things. Pains me even more to think that you, the Denizens, are missing out on my great wisdom. (rolling eyes, grin, chuckle)
The fact is that I simply have not had time to do one of the things that I enjoy more than I ever thought I would – writing. I never for a moment, sitting in my first ever English Composition college class taught by a guy I believed to be an idiot twenty years ago, thought that I would ever come to the point that I actually got a kick out of slapping thoughts on page. Amazing how things change.
But, I digress. There’s not been enough time. I’ve been swamped at work, and that’s when I’m not trying to renew a certification. This is taking me away from the chores I need to be doing – keeping the house clean, doing the laundry in a timely fashion, cleaning the kitchen, picking up dog crap off the carpet, those sorts of things. And when I do finally get around to those things, they keep me from doing stuff I like to do – like surfing the Web and writing these columns.
Which brings me around to the topic at hand. Thanksgiving’s today, and it’s a good time to kick back and tick off the things for which your obdt. svt. (a little Blackie Sherrod lingo, there) is thankful:
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 10:05
New TCU athletic director Danny Morrison has rewarded coach Gary Patterson for their 10-1 season with a five-year extension on a contract that was scheduled to expire in 2007.
Patterson said last week he was happy at TCU. But Patterson, a native of Larned, Kan., said it would be a good opportunity to coach at his alma mater.
Patterson decided to commit to the Horned Frogs long term.
“TCU is just special, and as we have said to our players and recruits any season that we’ve been here, there is no better place to get a quality education and play football,” Patterson said.
No argument there.
In five seasons, Patterson is the only TCU coach to record three 10-win seasons, and his 42 wins are fourth on the school’s career victory list.
Okay…I’ll concede the point. Maybe – just maybe – I’ve been a little bit harsh on Mr. Patterson the last couple of years.
Memo to whoever’s reading me over there at TCU: Win your bowl game. Then come back next year and minimize whatever drop-off you experience from 10-1. Prove to us that this year wasn’t a fluke.
And in 2007, the next time you play SMU
T…there had best damned well be the Mother of All Squashes. Else I’m gonna be all over you guys like a cheap suit.
On to what is very probably the last PFW of the year. No high school team in the hunt, and the aforementioned Horned Frogs are off until the EV1.net bowl New Year’s Eve, but I still have three teams in the hunt.
Thanksgiving day, the Dallas Cowboys are at home against the Denver Broncos in the late game. Denver’s 8-2, and the consensus is that they’re a better team than the ‘Boys, a premise with which I would agree.
But Denver is vulnerable on the road, and even moreso with the short week, so we’ll see. But it will not surprise me to see the Cowboys drop this one. My hunch right now is give me Dallas and 8.
Friday, the Arkansas Razorbacks travel to Baton Rouge to take on LSU and Bo Pelini’s defense.
This should be a double-whammy game for me, as Arkansas is one of my anti-teams; just to give you an idea…well, Denizens, you’re aware of how I despise the (hack, spit) Texas Longhorns (hack, spit)??? Well, Arkansas is the only team they could play where I’ll actually pull for them.
Anyway, I’ll take LSU and give you 21. I’m looking for a major squash here.
On Saturday, the Oklahoma Sooners will host rival Oklahoma State at Memorial Stadium. OSU’s down this year, so Oklahoma should win comfortably. Then again, OU still should have beaten TCU, so…
Recap and benediction will be either Sunday or Monday. In the meantime, feel free to talk about your teams. Maybe this week, I’ll even pay attention. (grin)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 9:57
Mark Davis of WBAP 820 AM just committed a slip of the tongue on his show. And, in so doing, came up with the best nickname I’ve heard yet for Mother Shitcan. (Yes, others may have thought of this, but they’ve not told me about it.)
From now on, this scribe will refer to her as “Mother Shitcan, the Anti-War Whore″.
Has a damned nice ring to it, if you ask me. (chuckle)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 10:18
As most of you know by now, the Emperor Misha…um…likes guns.
(I can hear you now: “Nawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, Spats!!! Reeeeeeeealllllllllly??????????” (grin))
Well, the Imperator was waxing eloquent over his love of Kimbers…and I was smiling and nodding my head, eyes beginning to glaze over slightly…
(Don’t get me wrong. I like guns, absolutely I like guns. But I’m nowhere near the aficionado Misha is. Plus, my real passion leans towards the type of guns carried in, say, a 40DD…if you get my drift. (huge grin))
Anyway, I’m reading along, when this blurb catches my eye…
Well, the Empress got wind of our “thing” about Kimbers, apparently (yes, the Troubles™ are over at long last
Immediately, I sat up and took notice. For I know, indeed have known for many a turn, about the Troubles, and the mental/emotional state in which they left our dear friend and Emperor, and have been praying for him ever since I learned of them. (If you know of the Troubles, then you know whereof I speak. If you don’t, never mind – you really don’t need to.)
Needless to say, the Realm is dancing a happy jig today, having learned of this news. If the Realm knows what’s good for it, that is. (In other words, that’s an Order, guys)
Thatisall. Now, if you’ll pardon us, we have some tears of joy to shed…
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 8:30
It’s been over 36 hours, and Texas Tech still hasn’t gotten the ball over the fucking goal line.
Terrell 20, Hebron 22
Oklahoma 21, Texas Tech 17, Blind-Assed Fucking Zebras 7
LSU 40, Ole Miss 7
Dallas 20, Detroit 7
So much for Terrell. Hebron intercepted a Terrell pass with two minutes to go to quell a last-ditch drive.
Oh, well. At least they sent Sulphur Springs packing. Props for that.
LSU had no problem with the Rebels. No surprises there. Bo Pelini’s defensive starters shut down the Ole Miss offense. A Rebel touchdown with three minutes left in the game provided the final margin.
Dallas had a letdown after the win over the Beagles on Monday night, and had they played anyone else, they very well might have lost yesterday.
Fortunately, though, they were playing the Detroit Lions, who have a ton of offensive talent, but no clue as to how to utilize it. The Lions kept trying to run the ball (albeit with a modicum of success) and throw short passes instead of taking their shots downfield, where receivers Charles Rogers and Roy Williams would likely have destroyed the Dallas secondary. Joey Harrington was Joey Harrington, meaning he was a younger, slightly more mobile version of Vinny Testaverde.
And while the Lion line held the Cowboy defensive front in check for much of the afternoon, it failed to at key times – once killing a drive when the ‘Boys sacked Harrington and forced a fumble, which Dallas recovered, effectively ending the Lion threat for the day.
Don’t expect Lion coach Steve Mariucci to survive after this year.
On to Oklahoma. There’s just no other way to describe the result of this game – and there’s a reason why I posted that score the way I did.
I say this now, and for the record – Texas Tech did not win this game, but was awarded it by shitty officiating. And I defy anyone to prove me wrong based on visual evidence, rather than on some blind-assed zebra’s ruling.
People’s exhibit number one: Fourth-and-three, Tech QB Cody Hodges drops back to pass. The pass was tipped, and landed in the simultaneous grasp of Tech’s Danny Amendola and OU’s Darien Williams.
Amedola was awarded possession of the ball, but he was nowhere near first-down yardage, nor had he achieved forward progress. But the Cataract Crew working this game awarded Tech the first down – by the very nose of the football.
Replay, inexplicably, failed to overturn the call like it should have. Do so, and the game’s over, OU wins.
A pass in the corner of the end zone was subsequently bobbled by the tech receiver – but, again inexplicably, the Cataract Crew signaled touchdown. Replay thankfully pulled its head out of its ass long enough to overturn that one.
But two plays later, Replay stuck its head back up that ass with People’s Exhibit Number Two. Hodges handed the ball to running back Taurean Henderson, who hit the line and was dropped on his ass at the one.
Henderson, however, quickly flopped on his back and extended the ball over the goal line, where the blind-assed side judge on the far side ruled a touchdown.
With no time left, Replay – apparantly having decided that Tech’s perfect home record and bowl possibilities were more important than getting the call correct, again refused to overturn.
Thus, it will go down in the books as a Tech victory, Red Raiders’ coach Mike “Lard-ass” Leach’s first against Bob Stoops. But it’s been clearly established now that, like New England a couple years ago, he has to have the officials’ help to accomplish the feat.
Enjoy your “win”, Tech. You sure-as-fucking-Hell didn’t earn it.
I still have three teams playing this week, so we’ll do a bonus PFW on Wednesday. That one will wrap things up for this year, so make sure you’re here for it.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 19:45
(48-hour rule in full effect)
Reports are circulating that Ragheaded Pigfucker #1, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, may have assumed room temperature.
Definitely something on which to keep an eye.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 17:45
Let’s be clear about one thing, okay? John-girl Murthafucker’s a Demoscum, so who gives a shit if he’s previously been any sort of advocate for Military Support or whatever? He’s a leftist coward, same as the rest of the Demoscum, so it really shouldn’t have come as any surprise that he’d be calling for an immediate pullout from Iraq like he did this past week.
(Oh, and don’t give me that line about him having served in Vietnam, okay? John-boy Fuckface Ketchup-ass, “Ol’ Lavender Heart” himself, also served in Vietnam…so fuckin’ what?)
But now here this pissweasel’s on Russert this morning, not two days after he voted against his own idea on Friday night (so much for putting your money where your mouth is, eh, Murthafucker?), and he’s pretending he sets foreign policy for the Administration.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 23:16
The erudite Aaron Margolis has come up with a Deck O’ Bloggers, and is taking votes for spades.
I have one vote. I’d best get more. (glares)
UPDATE: The all-knowledgeable TacJammer informs us that it’s not Aaron Margolis.
We will not argue – frankly, we don’t know. Somewhere along the line, we’d gotten the impression around here that it was.
(shrug) Oh, well.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 16:39
Denizens, as we head into our last regularly-scheduled Perfect Football Weekend of the year, I was going to talk about how Donna McNumnuts was gonna have a lot more time to scarf Chunky Soup©, now that he was likely going to have season-ending surgery to fix that sports hernia of his. He’s out of the game against the New York Football Giants this week, and even if he doesn’t have the surgery, next week ain’t looking too good either.
Then, I read about this. A pothead who just happens to play football for the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets has sued to get his spot back on the team.
A Fulton County judge ordered Georgia Tech to reinstate defensive back Reuben Houston to the team Tuesday even though Houston is facing felony drug charges and has been suspended from the team all season.
So yet another tin-horned fucknozzled tyrant sitting
in an ivory tower on a bench in a courtroom knows better than school officials about whom should play for them and whom shouldn’t. Yet another example of a black-robed fascist skank sticking his nose where it clearly doesn’t belong.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 18:22
They’re starting to realize that they can leave the plantation.
The chairman of the Orlando branch of the NAACP has joined the GOP, generating political shockwaves locally as well as nationally.
“I’ve thought about this for two years,” Derrick Wallace, head of Orange County’s NAACP told the Orlando Sentinel Tuesday, just a few hours after returning from the elections office where he enrolled as a Republican. “This is not a decision I made yesterday.”
His decision sent shock waves through Central Florida’s political establishment – Orlando is located smack in the middle of the so-called I-4 corridor, the hotly contested area considered key to winning statewide elections. Along with the grwoing Latino voting bloc in that region, African-Americans can play the part of a vital swing vote.
Memo to the Donktards: You may want to stop down a moment from all your crowing about Scooter Libby and last Tuesday’s elections and take notice of this. I’m here to tell you that Mr. Wallace’s defection is but the first of many, once they come to the same conclusion – that, as a party, you haven’t done squat for the black community.
“It’s purely a business decision. Ninety percent of those I do business with are Republicans,” he said. “Opportunities that have come to my firm have been brought by Republicans.”
It’s because the GOP is the party of opportunity, sir. Most of the time, anyway – when we’re not pandering to the liberals in a half-assed attempt to get them to like us.
We have the ideas; we have the vision; all the Left has is its abject hatred of us. Just look at your average election – we’re usually talking about issues; the Demoscum are usually talking about us.
He explained that this line of thought referred to the NAACP as well. Behind many of the power desks in Orlando sit Republicans and he told the Sentinel he wants his organization to be part of the local power structure, and does not want people to immediately identify NAACP concerns as being the same as those of liberal Democrats. “I want this branch to be respected,” he said.
And I have no doubt but that it will be, sir.
At least, by us. I think you can pretty much expect the Demoscum to give you the Michael Steele treatment.
Welcome to the party of the adults, Mr. Wallace.