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[SCENE:  On the near-powerless bridge of ISS VengeanceAdmiral Darth Venomous and General Korrioth are overseeing a minor refit of the communications module.  Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool carries a solid-state console module in his arms, awaiting instruction from Venomous.]

VENOMOUS:  Anytime you’re ready, McCool.

OZY McCOOL:  Aye, sir.

[McCool slides the module into the empty slot.  Power comes to life on the bridge - for about two seconds.

Massive sparkage flies from the just-installed module, sending all three diving for cover.  (Well, Korrioth & McCool, anyway.  Venomous merely turns away with a disgusted look on his face.)

Venomous turns & glares at McCool.]

OZY McCOOL (looking very  nervous at the moment):  As I suspected, m’lord.  Major flaw in the J2 circuit.

VENOMOUS:  Fine.  And in whose head is Kor going to sink his bat’leth this  time?

OZY McCOOL:  Personally, I’d start with the union writers.  They’ve got all manner of plot devices up their sleeves, and they’ve had it in for you ever since you beheaded Allan.

KORRIOTH:  Point.

VENOMOUS (chuckling):  Mheh.  That’s what I like about you guys – no foolin’ around, cut to the chase.  Okay, Kor, see to it.

KORRIOTH:  (grunt)

Okay, we’re officially back online here, and all it cost me was my primary keyboard.  Fry’s will be furnishing me a replacement shortly.

In the meantime, we’ll catch up on the Perfect Football Weekend™ beginning tonight – Heights will play its annual one-and-done playoff game this evening, and I’ve some thoughts on Incognito-Juanita Martin (and no – that’s not a typo.)

Oh…and anyone who even dares breathe  the number “51″ dies.  You have been warned.

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If the Core Teams™ are gonna suck like this, I gotta wonder why I keep doing this.

Arlington Heights 56, Western Hills 17

at TCU 7, TU Shortdicks 30

Liberty 24, at Gardner-Webb 0

at #4 Ohio State 63, Penn State 14

Dallas 30, at Detroit 31

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Okay, Denizens, since everyone else in the world, their dog, and its fleas has weighed in on The Big Hah Skrewl (a little Rush lingo, there) Football Controversy™…(sigh)…I s’pose I can, too.

And by The Big Hah Skrewl (a little Rush lingo, there) Football Controversy™…I’m talking about Aledo-Fort Worth Western Hills.  IOW, the big 91-0 shellacking of the Cougars by the Bearcats.

Some Western Hills soccer mom helicopter mom Stupid Cunt™ of a parent actually went so far as to file a formal bullying complaint against the Bearcat football team – a complaint that was eventually found to be utterly baseless.

A copy of the complaint obtained by The Associated Press quoted a parent, whose name was redacted by the Aledo school district, who said: “we all witnessed bullying firsthand.”

“Picking up my son from the fieldhouse after the game and taking him home was tough,” the complaint read. “I did not know what to say to my son on the ride home to explain the behavior of the aledo (sic) coaches for not easing up when the game was in hand.”

Except, you dumb-assed bitch, that’s exactly what Buchanan did – he started taking his starters out after only 21 plays.  Would it have made you any happier, trollop, had he left them in and ran up 150 points on the Cougars?  Because I guaran-damn-tee you he could have, very easily.

Listen, it’s not like I don’t know where you’re coming from – both OD Wyatt and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets got completly blown away by the Bearcats, both by an identical score of 84-7.  You think that makes me  happy to hear of it?  And I don’t even have a kid going there.

But at least I’m man enough to just let it go, and realize that Aledo could give several major college teams a run for their money.

On to the football.  Speaking of my Jackets, they whipped up on the aforementioned Cougars last night, 56-17 – in fact, since that Aledo beatdown, they themselves have averaged over 51 points a game.  Guess they weren’t as bad as I’d first thought (though Paschal still pisses me off).

Tomorrow, the TU Shortdicks Longhorns Shortdicks come a-calling on Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs.  TCU’s a two-point home favorite according to Vegas, so that means they expect TU to win it on a last-second field goal.

Casey Pachall will likely make his return, but he’ll be facing a defense that can get to the quarterback – and Pachall ain’t exactly Usain Bolt.  This one makes me nervous.

Also Saturday, Turner Gill gets to face the Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs again.  Problem is, this time he has to face them with the Liberty Flames, instead of with the UBeefalo Bulls.

On the other hand, G-W got trounced by the same Coastal Carolina squad that barely squeaked by the Flames last week in OT, so no SpatulaLine™ here.

Sunday, it’ll be the Battle Of The Men Amongst Boys™, as Dez Bryant & the Dallas C’boyz travel up to Detroit to take on the Lions & Calvin “Megatron” Johnson.  I like Detroit in this one simply because 1) they’re at home, and 2) they have Ndomakong Suh & Nick Fairley in the defensive line.

Houston doesn’t play this weekend, so we’ll plug in another college game – and one, I might add, that’ll give me yet another PFW.

And I say this, because the game is Penn State (*hack, spit!) is going to Columbus to take on Urban Meyer and the fourth-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes.

Does anyone seriously  think the Nittany Pussies have a chance? 

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.

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Denizens, maybe tonight I’ll have a football story on which to rant.  Right now, there’s not time to do diddly-squat.

For now, we have Arlington Heights-Western Hills (I’ll take Heights, you can have Hills & 6, based on common games vs. Aledo (/snark)); TCU hosts the TU Shortdicks; Liberty is at Gardner-Webb; Dallas is at Detroit, and Houston is guaranteed not to lose this week – for the obvious reason.

Recap’s Monday or so; I’ll have more tonight.

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The future is Case Keenum.

Okay, Houston – you can stay.

Arlington Heights 54, OD Wyatt 21

TCU 10, at #21 Oklahoma State 24

#15 Georgia 27, at Vanderbilt 31

at Liberty 52, Coastal Carolina 55 (OT)

Houston 16, at Kansas City 17

Dallas 17, at Phuckadelphia 3

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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My apologies this morning, Denizens, for not posting this yesterday.  Wasn’t time yesterday morning, and (as usual) once my avoirdupois ass hit the chair last night…zzzzzzz.

Anyway, I had promised that I was going to talk about Bob Costas and the “Redskins” controversy.  And may do that in the next couple of days, if there’s time.

But there isn’t right now, so let’s hit the football.  Arlington Heights trampled OD Wyatt last night, 54-21 (dammit, where was this group against Paschal?), so that’s one for me.

Today, TCU is at 21st-ranked Okie State (for the second straight year – grrrrr), and OSU is a 7½-point favorite; they should cover easily.

15th-ranked Georgia is a Vanderbilt today – and if the Dawgs know what’s good for ‘em, they’ll more than cover their own 7-point spread.

Liberty hosts Coastal Carolina in a Big South matchup – and, given how CC manhandled the Flames last year, the SpatulaLine™ is set at 50.

Houston…well, I know I shouldn’t do this, but since they tapped Case Keenum to start at Kansas Shitty (fuck you, Fatassed Andy Reid, you had no business beating Dallas), they’re back in the PFW this week, even though they’ll likely get their heads handed to them.

As for the Cowboys, they’re up in Phuckadelphia this week, where Mikey “Woof!” Vick is going to take a back seat to Nick Foles, who will probably shred the Girlz’ secondary a la  Peyton Manning.

We’re back Monday for the recap.  Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have to go work up a rant for Widdle Roberta Costas…

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Y’know, when I added Houston to the PFW, I should have realized that Wade Phillips was a coach on a staff of a team that was starting a backup quarterback.

And didn’t I just leave that party?

Arlington Heights 40, South Hills 16

at TCU 27, Kansas 17

at #7 Georgia 26, #25 Missouri 41

#12 Oklahoma 20, TU Shortdicks 36 (at Dallas)

at Houston 13, St. Louis 38

at Dallas 31, Washington REDSKINS!!!!!! 16

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Denizens, as we start this very late edition of the Perfect Football Weekend (late because I said I was gonna do it last night, and fell asleep in my Comfy Chair™ again), I am reminded of this story about which the Vicar posted about three weeks ago or so.

On Facebook.

(mock glare at the Vicar)

Anyway, he posted about it thusly:

The issue here is not homosexuality, it is the inability of a group of students to conduct themselves in a civil manner at a university event.

(This all ties into the PFW because there were Ole Miss football players in the audience.)

I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate™ and respond in kind:

In fact, it is  about homosexuality heterophobia.  Or, to be a little more blunt about it, the constant shoving thereof into the faces of those – yours truly included – who don’t want a damned fucking thing to do with it.

I mean, really.  As I have said time, and time, and time again – the issue with the sodomites isn’t that they want tolerance – I tolerate them sufficiently in that I’ve never given any of them the ass-whipping of their miserable lives.

Leave me be, I leave you be.

No, what they want is for you & me & everyone else on God’s Green Earth™ to say that what they do is okay.  Just fine & fucking dandy – in fact, even preferred  in some cases.  Otherwise, why all the parades, the rallies, the beatdowns (sometimes even physically) on people who don’t subscribe whole hog to the blatant heterophobia?

Hmmmmm?

And, as they themselves say in their little “NOH8″ screechings…silence is consent.

Now, as I understand it, the Ole Miss footballers were forced, as part of their curriculum, to attend this indoctrination play.  In other words, this was nothing more than “thenthitivity twaining”.

I would have disrupted the damned thing, too.  Hell – I’d’ve kicked the ass of the bastard who assigned it to me.

On to the football.  Phil Young’s Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets got their second win in a row last night, beating the South Hills Scorpions, 40-16.  One for me.

Saturday, Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs should – I said should – get a gimme game at home against the U. of Kansas.  As we know, Rock Chalk has been spinning its wheels for a few years now, which cost Turner Gill his job.  (Frankly, I was hoping Turner could hang on long enough to coach this game; I was looking forward to going and possibly getting to say hello.  C’est la vie).

Anyway, TCU has this pull-your-hair-out-annoying habit of playing down to its competition.  And Vegas has the Frogs as a near-solid 25-point favorite, so Jaden Overkrom will have to win this one at the gun with his foot.

Also Saturday, seventh-ranked Georgia (See what you guys get for nearly letting Tennessee beat you?) is a 7½-point home favorite vs, 25th-ranked Mizzou.  I like the Dawgs’ chances here, but not by too much.

UPDATE:  And just for this one week only, we’re gonna follow the Red River Shootout Rivalry Pink Taffeta Ballet Shootout.  It is, of course, OU-Texas weekend, and since 12th-ranked OU is  a former PFW team…and since I hate Mack Brown & TU with the purplest of passions…

Sunday, the Houston Tex-annes should – again, I say should – end their losing streak against the St. Louis Ewes Rams Ewes.  Hell, Gary Kubiak – if the Cowgirlz can whip them and you can’t, what’ll that say for you…?

Speaking of the Cowgirlz, they get one more chance to stay in this little soiree against the Washington REDSKINS!!!!! (see what I did there, you politically correct bastards?  Suck it.) and Robert Griffin III.

(Yeah, I would go into the Second Coming™ bit – but as long as the pussies on the Left insist on making the Redskin name an issue, ARRRRRRR GEEEEEEE THREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  gets something of a pass.

They say Griffin’s still a bit gimpy.  Yeah?  So was it the case for the last game last season, and how’d that  work out for the Cowgirlz?

We’re back Monday or so with the recap. In the meantime, my question for the Vicar is…what am I paying you for, anyway? 

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Thank Cthulhu for Penn State.

Had they not lost to UIndiana Saturday, I might have packed the entire PFW in for the year.

Arlington Heights 55, Trimble Tech 3

Texas Christian 17, at #11 Oklahoma 20

#6 Georgia 34, at UTennessee 31 (OT)

Liberty 17, at Old Dominion 21

at Dallas 48, Denver 51

Houston 3, at San Francisco 34

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Well, it’s another Perfect Football Weekend for us, Denizens, and this week’s lead-in has sort of a political dovetail – that being, Roger Goodfella Goodall Goodfella is being the NFL’s designated mob ass again.

That is to say, by denying WASHINGTON REDSKINS!!!!!  (there, you bastards, I said it – what’re you pussies gonna do about it?) cornerback D’Angelo Hall his right to free expression.

Case in point: Washington Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall was laughing, joking and filling up reporters’ notebooks and recording devices with post-game gold after Sunday’s victory over the Oakland Raiders. Hall, when he wants to be, is among the more quotable and colorful players in the league.

But as he talked to a gaggle of media, Hall — wearing a Lacoste logo shirt — was approached by the NFL inspector and asked to stop talking because of his shirt.

michael phillips @michaelpRTD

#Redskins DeAngelo Hall was banned from talking with us by an NFL uniform inspector, who said he couldn’t speak while wearing a Polo shirt.

And they threatened to fine him if he didn’t.

So here we have Roger Goodfella thinking he and the NFL are above the United States Constitution. “Ve can tellink dju vhat zhirt dju c’n vear, und eeef dju don’t likez vhat ve tell dju, dju geevs us djur moneyz, djyessss?”

Hall showed a helluva lot of restraint.  I’d’ve been tempted to take off my Polo shirt, and wrap it tightly around said inspector’s neck.

Actually, y’know what?  No – I wouldn’t have been tempted to do it.  I’d’ve done it.

On to the football.  Phillip Young’s Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets (no way I’m claiming them as mine after that  POS performance last week) have a little easier time of it tonight against Trimble Technical, but I still think the Bulldogs will pull this one out.  (In spades, if you declare that you won’t win a single hand, and manage not to, that’s called “nilo” and you get 130 points for it.  I have my fingers crossed.)

Saturday, Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs travel up to Norman, to take on a former PFW target team, the Oklahoma Sooners.  Maybe, just for this week, we could call TCU an SEC team.  Bob Stoops has trouble with SEC teams…

Also Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty U. Flames are at Old Dominion. The Monarchs get ready for their season by playing the likes of E. Carolina & Maryland – and, well, they looked respectable against E. Carolina.

Vegas never rates Liberty’s games, so I’m gonna invoke the SpatulaLine™ and ask Turner to keep the margin within 25.

In addition, recent PFW addition #6 Georgia will visit the Vols of UTennessee.  If the Dawgs can contain the Vols on the ground, UTenn’s passing attack is ranked 112th in the NCAA.  They’re an 11-point road fave, so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Sunday, it doesn’t get any easier for the Houston Texans, as they’re out in San Transexual to face a FairyWhiner squad in desperate need of a win.  The Whiners are a seven-point favorite, and Coach Stay-Puf’s defenses don’t like mobile quarterbacks, so it’s probably a third-straight loss for the Tex-annes.

Before that, though, Peyton Manning and his record-setting passing attack come into the Death Star to take on the NFL’s worst secondary…the Dallas Cowgirls.  Broncos are an eight-point favorite here, and it might get there in the first couple of drives.  Should take off from there, though.

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.  Look for me to be in a snarly mood after I go 1-5.

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(sigh) It’s getting harder & harder to justify doing this…especially if all my teams are going to go in the tank.

Arlington Heights 7, Aledo 84

at TCU 48, SMUT 7

at Liberty 73, Kentucky Wesleyan 7

at Houston 20, Seattle 23 (OT)

Dallas 21, at San Diego 30

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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…aka the Pansy-Assed Football League.

Denizens, as we start this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend™, we are once again reminded of what a bunch of pussified doucherifles the state of Kalifornication has become.  For now, their infectious cancer has touched youth football.

Usually, when a mercy rule becomes a bone of contention it’s because the policy isn’t instituted soon enough, until after a game is already far out of reach. Yet in one Northern California community the opposite is unfolding, with parents furious about a new rule that they feel is cheating their children and coaches of football and money wasted on fines.

As reported by Sacramento NBC affiliate KCRA, the Northern California Federation Youth Football League (NCFYFL) instituted stiff new penalties for any teams that beat opponents by 35 points or more. Specifically, those teams will be fined $200 and their coaches will be suspended from all league activities for two weeks. The penalty is a drastic change for the league of 7-13 year-olds, which previously issued teams with a warning following such blowouts and required a written description that detailed what the victorious team had done to try and keep scores low.

[...]

With the new, harsher penalties, some players have begun insisting that their development is being hurt. One team has stopped attempting any field goals, leaving kicker James McHugh unable to attempt any scoring kicks except points after touchdowns. That’s a problem for a 13-year-old who hopes to serve as a high school placekicker in fall 2014.

Oh, hell  no.  Actually, it’s a problem for any self-respecting human being.

Thankful am I that Skip doesn’t play in such a league.  For if he did, and they passed a fucktarded rule like this, the head of said league would have the term “ass-whipping” re-defined for him.  By me.

And speaking of ass-whippings, let’s get to the football.  It’s my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, destined to have their magical oh-fer season extended by the Aledo Bearcats.  It’s Guaranteed Loss Night™, and the SpatulaLine™ is set at 65½ for this one.

Tomorrow morning, it’ll be Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs playing host to SMUT for the Iron Skillet.

And I shit you not – Vegas has the Frogs as an 18½-point favorite at home.

With Trevone Boykin at quarterback.

I think the Shitland Ponies win this one outright.  Look for me to be extremely  pissed come Monday.

Also Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames take on Kentucky Weslyan, which is apparently such a small program that they don’t even have an ESPN listing.  Flames win comfortably here.

Sunday finds Houston playing host to Golden Taint and the Seattle Seahags.  If the Tex-annes can’t beat Baltimore without RAYYYYMONNNNND LEWWWWWWISSSSSSSS!!!!!, I rather doubt they’ll beat Seattle.  Vegas doesn’t think so, either – the Hags are a 2½-point road favorite.

And for a bonus game, the Dallas Cowboys, fresh off a manhandling of the St. Louis Ewes, travel to Mrs. Venomous’ home of San Diego to take on the “San Dee-ayy-go…Superchar-gers…” (a little Chris Berman lingo, there).  Vegas likes Dallas minus 2½, so look for the Powder-Blue-And_Gold to romp.

We’re back Monday with the recap.  In the meantime…dang, I didn’t know OU’s Blake Bell could throw

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Hellaciously good thing I added the Cowboys at the last minute, isn’t it?

Liberty 21, at Richmond 30

Houston 9, at Baltimore 30

at Dallas 31, St. Louis 7

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Denizens, as we begin this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend™ (and yes – sorry it’s late), we note that Nebraska head coach (and former PFW target) Bo Pelini was forced by the pussy-assed excuse-for-an-administration that is Nebraska U. to apologize for Yet Another Rant™.

Oh, did we mention this was one he made two years ago?

Nebraska coach Bo Pelini apologized Monday for a profane rant from 2011 in which he criticized “fair-weather” Cornhuskers fans.

The website Deadspin posted the 2-year-old audio of the Cornhuskers’ coach going off on fans and newspaper reporters after a game.

What was already a bad day got much worse for Bo Pelini, who has some explaining to do to Nebraska fans, writes Mitch Sherman. Blog

Pelini’s problematic Monday came on the heels of yet another brutal loss for the Huskers. UCLA wiped out an 18-point deficit in Lincoln and beat Nebraska 41-21 on Saturday.

The tape caught Pelini speaking off air with Husker Sports Network play-by-play man Greg Sharpe before his postgame radio interview following Nebraska’s win over Ohio State in October 2011. Pelini had been criticized by fans and media in the days leading to the Ohio State game for the Huskers’ performance the week before in a 31-point loss at Wisconsin.

In the audio, Pelini repeatedly uses an expletive to refer to what he calls “fair-weather” fans.

Okay, in the first place, this was two fucking years ago, mkay?

Second, it was a private conversation, awright?

If i have a private conversation with someone two years ago, and some half-assed pussy site like Deadspin broadcasts it to the fucking world, the owners of Deadspin.com best hope I don’t ever find them. At the very least, they’ll be the proud recipients of an eight-digit minimum  lawsuit.  And if I happen to have a certain object in my possession…

Nebraska chancellor Harvey Perlman said he was disappointed by the comments.

“We are taking some time to consider it and what impact it would have on the university,” Perlman said.

Perlman declined to answer whether Pelini was in danger of losing his job.

Athletic director Shawn Eichorst said he talked to Pelini about the rant.

“I am disheartened and disappointed by the 2011 comments published today attributed to Coach Pelini about our dedicated and passionate fans and supporters,” Eichorst said in a statement. “I have spoken with Chancellor Perlman and I have addressed the situation with Bo and expressed our deep concern.”

Now, I’m no longer a Pelini fan (at least, as a head coach), but Perlman?  Eichorst?

You fucknozzles are true douchebags.  This is Yet Another Reason™ why Nebraska is no longer in the PFW.

Let’s go to the football.  It’s Guaranteed Loss Night™ for my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, as they take on the Aledo Bearcats (at least, I think they’re the Bearcats).  That’s Aledo, as in top-25-in-the-fucking-nation  Aledo.

The SpatulaLine™ is in place on this one, and I’m setting it at 65.  Don’t argue – Aledo’s that good, and Heights is that bad.

UPDATE:  I’m gonna kill my Intelligence division.

Heights doesn’t lose to Aledo until next  week.

Guess I get to run with three teams this week, after all.  (sigh)

Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames travel to Richmond to take on the Spyders.  Richmond’s 1-2, but they should give Liberty all they can handle.

Sunday, Houston travels to Baltimore to take on the RAYMOND LEWIS!!!!!!!-less (as well as Ed Reed-less) Ravens.  Andre Johnson will play this game, or so I’ve been led to believe, so give me Houston & the points (they’re a 1½-point road fave).

TCU is guaranteed not to lose this week…why, Wizard…?

MERLIN:  Because they don’t play.

Right.

Now, I really need four teams to make this worth my while, so I’m gonna plug in the Cowgirls hosting the St. Louis Ewes Rams Ewes.  Vegas has the ‘Girlz by 3, so that means Dan Bailey will win it in overtime.

We’re back Monday for the recap.  Hopefully.

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Conventional wisdom says that if you have two quarterbacks that deserve to start, then you have no quarterbacks.

In TCU’s case, 0 – 2 = 0.

Arlington Heights 21, at White Settlement Brewer 23

#24 TCU 24, at Texas Tech 20, Blind-Assed Fucking Zebras -14

at Liberty 38, Morgan St. 10

at Houston 30, Tennessee 24 (OT)

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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