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All hands on deck.

MERLIN:  Ready, m’liege.

OZY McCOOL:  Engineering reports full power to engines, Admiral.

KORRIOTH:  We’re not going anywhere, Ozy.

OZY McCOOL:  The Admiral demands operational readiness at all times, General.

KORRIOTH:  Point.

K’HADIBAK’H:  Tactical ready, m’lord.

RAYEGUN:  Southern Command ready as requested, y’old geezer.

THE GENERALETTE (smacking Rayegun, Gibbs-style):  You be nice.

RAYEGUN:  Yes, dear.

T-BONE McMANX:  Communications ready, sir.

THE SPATULAGODDESS:  Didn’t we do something like this a couple of years ago, hon?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):  HON?!?!?!  (waves iron skillet around menacingly)

VENOMOUS:  Put a cork in it, babe.  She’s entitled.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):  And why am I not the SpatulaGoddess?!?!?!

VENOMOUS:  Because you’re Mrs. Venomous, and you don’t look like Eva Longoria.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):  GRRRRRRRR!!!

VENOMOUS:  Shut it, woman.  I have a post to write.

MRS. VENOMOUS (dejected, with cast-iron skillet):  Yes, honey.

VENOMOUS:  I’ll make it up to you, sweetheart…say, with Rafain’s?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet & ears perked up):  Ooooooh!!!

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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And once again…the “dress rehearsal” turns out to be a clunker.

Dallas 20, at Miami 25

Cincinnati 19, at Arizona 13

at San Transexual 19, San Diego 13

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Denizens, for this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend, we’ll point out that, while Widdle Mikey Sam may be the first limp-wristed douchebag to kiss his fellow butt-buddy on ESPN for all the fucking world to see – he is not  the first faggot in the NFL.

One of those who preceded him, in fact, just shook down the Minne-haha ViQueens for a wad of dough.

Calling his settlement with the Minnesota Vikings an opportunity “to do a lot of good for a lot of people,” Chris Kluwe announced his fight with the team is over.

The Vikings and Kluwe’s attorney Clayton Halunen announced Tuesday morning that they had reached a settlement to resolve the former punter’s allegations of homophobic behavior by the team. It put the issue to rest 7½ months after Kluwe first published his allegations and avoids the prospect of a lengthy legal battle.

The Vikings had initially announced a $100,000 contribution to charities that support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender causes, and they will make additional contributions to five LGBT-friendly charities over the next five years. The team will also enhance sensitivity training that is already required throughout the organization.

The parties did not announce the financial terms of the settlement, but Kluwe said he will not receive any money.

Raise your hand if you believe that.

(crickets)

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

The turd claims he was discriminated against & cut because he’s a faggot.  I tend to think it’s because he’s a shitty football player.

But that’s just me.

Tonight, we’ve got the Cowgirlz in the South Beach swamp to play the Dolphins.  If they continue to improve as they did last week, I expect a victory tonight.  Particularly since the Fins still aren’t all that good.  But we’ll see.

I may also have an opinion on some other matchups this weekend, such as Panther-Patriot, Jet-Douchebag and/or REDSKIN!!!!!!-Raven.

That recap will be either Monday or Tuesday.  See you then.

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Not quite as easy  as you first thought, is  it, San Diego?

at Dallas 30, Baltimore 37

at Seattle 41, San Diego 14

at The Washington REDSKINS, YOU PROFESSIONALLY OFFENDED BASTARDS 24, Cleveland 23

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Denizens, this’ll be a quickie Perfect Football Weekend™, because Saturday chores overwhelmed us to the point that we ran out of time, but I do have a bone to pick with the NFL.

In the preseason, the NFL home office always issues what are called “points of emphasis” when it comes to new rules – or, in this case, a crackdown renewed emphasis on old rules.  This year, it’s the “defensive holding” and “illegal contact” penalties that we’re always screaming about not being called.

Except now they are.  Every play.  Every.  Damned.  Play.

And it’s slowing the game down to being almost even more unwatchable than all y’all are screaming that it is now.

Sigh.

Awright, let’s get on with it.  We’ve already had a couple o’ games already, which I’ll touch on in the recap on Monday.  I’m writing this as Baltimore’s starters are torching Dallas’ backups (it’s 24-10 now).  Yeah, Little Juanita Harbaugh.  Real ballsy of ya.

It is any wonder that the Harbaughs are considered (in these quarters, anyway) as the pussies of the NFL?

We’re back on Monday (I hope) with something resembling a recap.

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As his Rudeness kicks off another PFW season, I find myself thinking football whether I want to or not.

Last week I had the pleasure of attending a conference in Seward Nebraska which was attended by Lutherans from all over the Country. Among those attendees was a young lady from Green Bay; when I asked her about season tickets, it seems that her family has been on the waiting list for years, and is still years away from the top. According to her, and others, Green bay Season ticket holders put their tickets in their wills.

One just has to admire that level of loyalty.

Now if we could just engender that sort of loyalty to the Church.

 

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Denizens we’re gonna get the Perfect Football Weekend™ machine started up with a Pro Football Hall of Fame™ induction that makes the bastards at Nobel look positively legit.

The excuse-for-an-inductee:  Widdle Mikey Gaptooth

Strahan’s pro career got off at a turtle’s pace, as well. A foot injury limited his rookie campaign of 1993 to just nine games. Despite starting 15 games in ’94, Strahan posted a mere 4.5 sacks. The next year, New York’s defense was supposed to be a top-notch unit … until Dallas stormed Giants Stadium on the season’s first Monday night and rocked Big Blue 35-0 in front of a national television audience. Throughout that season and the next, though, Strahan began to hold his own, but still only produced a grand total of 12.5 sacks — not even close to Hall of Fame production for an edge player. Strahan showed potential in these early years, but he was still learning the game and definitely took his share of lumps.

Then in 1997, a light bulb seemed to come on under new defensive coordinator John Fox. Strahan got to the quarterback 14 times and earned first-team All-Pro honors. Meanwhile, Big Blue rode its defense to a playoff berth. The guy who barely knew the sport had developed into a dominant force. Over the next 10 years, Strahan racked up 109.5 sacks, including an NFL-record 22.5 in 2001 — a feat which earned him that season’s Defensive Player of the Year award. And of course, he rounded out his career by winning a ring in his final game.

That “NFL record” sack he got?  Brett “Hey, Jen, lookit my wang!” Favre laying down for the bastard.

Here…have a look:

Boy howdy, he sure’s hell “earned” that one, didn’t he?

Add to that the fact that shitty officiating gave the NY Football Douchebags both  of their recent Super Bowl wins – yeah, I said both  of ‘em, you East Coast fuckheads – and there’s absolutely no fucking doubt that this is the least deserving HOF inductee ever.  (Well, at least until Donna McCrabby & his soup-hawkin’ mommykins get their ugly asses in.)

Let’s get to the football.  Right now, we have the annual Harbaugh Bowl™, with Baltimore’s John taking on San Transexual’s Jim in preseason f’ball (Balt’s up 10-3, and just intercepted the Whiners’ eighth-string QB at their 25).  On the toob this weekend will be games like Saints-Rams & Browns-Lions.  Yawners, except we should get to see the NFL debut of Johnny Football, so there’s that.

Tonight, it’ll be the C’girlz vs. the SanDiego…SuperCharrrrrgerssssss!!!! (a little Chris Berman lingo, there).  Romo’s not playing, so the ‘Girlz might actually win.

Oh, but Phillip Rivers will probably play a series & throw a touchdown. Never mind.

We’re back Monday or so with something resembling a recap.

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Denizens, the “decision” to which I had referred back in April (yeah, yeah, I know…some “next few days”, eh, Venomous?) was going to be to close This Fine Blog™.  I have neither the time, nor inclination anymore, to write.

I have a new house.  The workload at my job is ponderous.  Ponderous, man, fuckin’ ponderous! (a little Casey Kasem lingo, there)  And not to put too fine a point on it…certain in the Blogosphere have proven to me that it’s not worth putting up with it.

But, having said all that…I still have one last Perfect Football Weekend™ season left in me.

Those of you who’ve read me for any length of time know that about this time every year, I start jonesing for football (not to be confused with Jerry Jonesing for football, which means making stupid-assed decisions year after year, thinking having a Victoria’s Secret© at AT&T Stadium is more important than having a winning football team on that house’s field, that sort of thing), which means everything & everyone else take back seats.

So here we are.  Once more through the breech, dear friends.

Same rules as always: I follow my teams here, you follow your teams in comments.  I don’t give two flying fucks at rolling donut holes how your teams do – just how mine do.  And the football weekend isn’t Perfect unless all my teams win.  (Unless I declare Executive Fiat™, which will always come with an explanation.)

Here are the teams I’m following:

1.  High school:  The (Fort Worth) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets.  Year Two for Phil Young and the Jackets, and the good news this year is that Aledo (a 7-84 loss last year) is not on the schedule.  Thus, a 5-5 playoff team from last year looks to have a better season.  They start with White Settlement Brewer (wait, not Azle? not Birdville?) in four weeks.

2.  College:  The Texas Christian University Horned Frogs.  Year Three in the Big 12 11 10 However Many There Are for Gary Patterson and the Tadpoles.  GP still has the delustional idea that Trevone Boykin is a quarterback, so look for another 4-8 year or so. But he has a couple of new offensive co-coordinators, and he still has a decent enough defense, so we’ll see what happens.  Now to see which teams are crappy enough to lose to them…

3.  Pro:  The Dallas Cowboys.  Another year, another Sean Lee season-ending injury – this time before training camp even starts.  His knee, of course.  Thus, a defense that was already suspect is probably going to be just as bad this year.

One more new piece for the offensive line, plus a new play caller (Scott Linehan), and they’ll have to keep the Cowgirls in games again.

Look for 6-10, and Jason “Red-Headed Jebus” Garrett’s exit from the franchise shortly thereafter.

In addition, this year we’ll play things a little differently.  I’ll pick one or two games at random that interest me – some from past PFW teams, some from teams that have never shown up here before.  (Look for Turner Gill’s Liberty University team a lot here.  And anytime I sense that one of my least favorite teams is going to get their heads kicked in – you know, SMU, Arkansas, Boise State, that sort – it’ll show up in the list.)

Now, I was hoping to at least have a blurb about the Hall of Fame Game™ in Canton prior to publication, but that home thing reared its ugly head again.  So I’ll just mention that the NY Football Douchebags beat Buffalo last night – seriously, who doesn’t  beat Buffalo? – and leave it at that.

We’ll return Thursday with the first installment of the season, when I rip the Hall of Fame committee (or whomever picks these guys) for one of their stupid-assed selections.

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The question has been axed…yeah, I said “axed”, come say it to my face if that pisses you off…if Yours Truly intends to host a Perfect Football Weekend™ this year.

And the answer is…maybe.

I mean, at this point…what with This Fine Blog™ having basically gone the way of Yeah, Right, Whatever, and its pithy readership having trudged off for blogs that actually update…who’s gonna read it?

Still, there’s probably gonna be things about which I can vent, so we’ll see.

Now, to go find some non-Core teams that don’t disappoint from week to week…

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[SCENE:  On the near-powerless bridge of ISS VengeanceAdmiral Darth Venomous and General Korrioth are overseeing a minor refit of the communications module.  Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool carries a solid-state console module in his arms, awaiting instruction from Venomous.]

VENOMOUS:  Anytime you’re ready, McCool.

OZY McCOOL:  Aye, sir.

[McCool slides the module into the empty slot.  Power comes to life on the bridge - for about two seconds.

Massive sparkage flies from the just-installed module, sending all three diving for cover.  (Well, Korrioth & McCool, anyway.  Venomous merely turns away with a disgusted look on his face.)

Venomous turns & glares at McCool.]

OZY McCOOL (looking very  nervous at the moment):  As I suspected, m’lord.  Major flaw in the J2 circuit.

VENOMOUS:  Fine.  And in whose head is Kor going to sink his bat’leth this  time?

OZY McCOOL:  Personally, I’d start with the union writers.  They’ve got all manner of plot devices up their sleeves, and they’ve had it in for you ever since you beheaded Allan.

KORRIOTH:  Point.

VENOMOUS (chuckling):  Mheh.  That’s what I like about you guys – no foolin’ around, cut to the chase.  Okay, Kor, see to it.

KORRIOTH:  (grunt)

Okay, we’re officially back online here, and all it cost me was my primary keyboard.  Fry’s will be furnishing me a replacement shortly.

In the meantime, we’ll catch up on the Perfect Football Weekend™ beginning tonight – Heights will play its annual one-and-done playoff game this evening, and I’ve some thoughts on Incognito-Juanita Martin (and no – that’s not a typo.)

Oh…and anyone who even dares breathe  the number “51″ dies.  You have been warned.

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If the Core Teams™ are gonna suck like this, I gotta wonder why I keep doing this.

Arlington Heights 56, Western Hills 17

at TCU 7, TU Shortdicks 30

Liberty 24, at Gardner-Webb 0

at #4 Ohio State 63, Penn State 14

Dallas 30, at Detroit 31

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Okay, Denizens, since everyone else in the world, their dog, and its fleas has weighed in on The Big Hah Skrewl (a little Rush lingo, there) Football Controversy™…(sigh)…I s’pose I can, too.

And by The Big Hah Skrewl (a little Rush lingo, there) Football Controversy™…I’m talking about Aledo-Fort Worth Western Hills.  IOW, the big 91-0 shellacking of the Cougars by the Bearcats.

Some Western Hills soccer mom helicopter mom Stupid Cunt™ of a parent actually went so far as to file a formal bullying complaint against the Bearcat football team – a complaint that was eventually found to be utterly baseless.

A copy of the complaint obtained by The Associated Press quoted a parent, whose name was redacted by the Aledo school district, who said: “we all witnessed bullying firsthand.”

“Picking up my son from the fieldhouse after the game and taking him home was tough,” the complaint read. “I did not know what to say to my son on the ride home to explain the behavior of the aledo (sic) coaches for not easing up when the game was in hand.”

Except, you dumb-assed bitch, that’s exactly what Buchanan did – he started taking his starters out after only 21 plays.  Would it have made you any happier, trollop, had he left them in and ran up 150 points on the Cougars?  Because I guaran-damn-tee you he could have, very easily.

Listen, it’s not like I don’t know where you’re coming from – both OD Wyatt and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets got completly blown away by the Bearcats, both by an identical score of 84-7.  You think that makes me  happy to hear of it?  And I don’t even have a kid going there.

But at least I’m man enough to just let it go, and realize that Aledo could give several major college teams a run for their money.

On to the football.  Speaking of my Jackets, they whipped up on the aforementioned Cougars last night, 56-17 – in fact, since that Aledo beatdown, they themselves have averaged over 51 points a game.  Guess they weren’t as bad as I’d first thought (though Paschal still pisses me off).

Tomorrow, the TU Shortdicks Longhorns Shortdicks come a-calling on Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs.  TCU’s a two-point home favorite according to Vegas, so that means they expect TU to win it on a last-second field goal.

Casey Pachall will likely make his return, but he’ll be facing a defense that can get to the quarterback – and Pachall ain’t exactly Usain Bolt.  This one makes me nervous.

Also Saturday, Turner Gill gets to face the Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs again.  Problem is, this time he has to face them with the Liberty Flames, instead of with the UBeefalo Bulls.

On the other hand, G-W got trounced by the same Coastal Carolina squad that barely squeaked by the Flames last week in OT, so no SpatulaLine™ here.

Sunday, it’ll be the Battle Of The Men Amongst Boys™, as Dez Bryant & the Dallas C’boyz travel up to Detroit to take on the Lions & Calvin “Megatron” Johnson.  I like Detroit in this one simply because 1) they’re at home, and 2) they have Ndomakong Suh & Nick Fairley in the defensive line.

Houston doesn’t play this weekend, so we’ll plug in another college game – and one, I might add, that’ll give me yet another PFW.

And I say this, because the game is Penn State (*hack, spit!) is going to Columbus to take on Urban Meyer and the fourth-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes.

Does anyone seriously  think the Nittany Pussies have a chance? 

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.

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Denizens, maybe tonight I’ll have a football story on which to rant.  Right now, there’s not time to do diddly-squat.

For now, we have Arlington Heights-Western Hills (I’ll take Heights, you can have Hills & 6, based on common games vs. Aledo (/snark)); TCU hosts the TU Shortdicks; Liberty is at Gardner-Webb; Dallas is at Detroit, and Houston is guaranteed not to lose this week – for the obvious reason.

Recap’s Monday or so; I’ll have more tonight.

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The future is Case Keenum.

Okay, Houston – you can stay.

Arlington Heights 54, OD Wyatt 21

TCU 10, at #21 Oklahoma State 24

#15 Georgia 27, at Vanderbilt 31

at Liberty 52, Coastal Carolina 55 (OT)

Houston 16, at Kansas City 17

Dallas 17, at Phuckadelphia 3

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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My apologies this morning, Denizens, for not posting this yesterday.  Wasn’t time yesterday morning, and (as usual) once my avoirdupois ass hit the chair last night…zzzzzzz.

Anyway, I had promised that I was going to talk about Bob Costas and the “Redskins” controversy.  And may do that in the next couple of days, if there’s time.

But there isn’t right now, so let’s hit the football.  Arlington Heights trampled OD Wyatt last night, 54-21 (dammit, where was this group against Paschal?), so that’s one for me.

Today, TCU is at 21st-ranked Okie State (for the second straight year – grrrrr), and OSU is a 7½-point favorite; they should cover easily.

15th-ranked Georgia is a Vanderbilt today – and if the Dawgs know what’s good for ‘em, they’ll more than cover their own 7-point spread.

Liberty hosts Coastal Carolina in a Big South matchup – and, given how CC manhandled the Flames last year, the SpatulaLine™ is set at 50.

Houston…well, I know I shouldn’t do this, but since they tapped Case Keenum to start at Kansas Shitty (fuck you, Fatassed Andy Reid, you had no business beating Dallas), they’re back in the PFW this week, even though they’ll likely get their heads handed to them.

As for the Cowboys, they’re up in Phuckadelphia this week, where Mikey “Woof!” Vick is going to take a back seat to Nick Foles, who will probably shred the Girlz’ secondary a la  Peyton Manning.

We’re back Monday for the recap.  Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have to go work up a rant for Widdle Roberta Costas…

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