Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

[SCENE:  Deep inside that sector of the Fifth Intergalatic Realm™ known as the Southern Command.  Slow pan to a point about 140 degrees from the opening shot.

We then see a spatial displacement come into view.  The translucent shimmer becomes the faint outlines of an image, which then coalesces into an oversized, seemingly-upside-down Klingon Bird-of-Prey.

Cut to:  the bridge of the recently repaired ISS Pegasus, which has just decloaked someplace it was not previously known to be.]

VENOMOUS:  And that’s a problem, Narrator?

KORRIOTH:  Well, we usually file a flight plan with someone, y’know.

VENOMOUS:  Look, Bumpy, when I go on vacation, I don’t give a shit if anyone  know where I’m gonna be…

K’HADIBAK’H:  Uh, guys…

KORRIOTH:  …you know, so a certain Black Helicopter Fleet™ isn’t tempted to engage in…

[At that very moment, the bridge is rocked violently, back & forth.  Cut to previous external view, and the Bird-of-Prey is now surrounded by what seems to be four Husnock warships, each taking turns firing on Pegasus.

Cut back to Pegasus'  bridge.]

KORRIOTH:  …target practice.

K’HADIBAK’H:  Four warships, Admiral.  IDs… [Kha double-checks his board] …it’s the Black Helicopter Fleet™, sir.

T-BONE McMANX:  Admiral, we’re being hailed.

VENOMOUS (with a very  annoyed look on his face):  (sigh) On screen.

[On the viewscreen, space is replaced by a very familiar image.]

VENOMOUS:  Supreme General Rayegun.

RAYEGUN:  What did I tell you about coming through the Southern Command™ without proper permittage-ery?

VENOMOUS:  And what did I tell you about the Southern Command™ being part of my  Realm™?

[The Supreme General of the Realm™ renders what could only be described as a smart-assed smirk.]

RAYEGUN:  Damned straight, Narrator.

VENOMOUS:  I do  hope you’re enjoying your new toys, General.  Figures you’d hog ‘em all and not share…

RAYEGUN:  Funny you should mention that…

[Cut to external view.  Yet another spatial displacement shimmers & coalesces into a fifth Husnock battlecruiser.

Cut back to Pegasus'  viewscreen.

RAYEGUN:  Meet your new flagship, Admiral - ISS Vengeance.

[It's a Realm™ first:  Admiral Darth Venomous...is speechless.]

RAYEGUN:  What did I tell you, Korrioth?

KORRIOTH:  Five hundred credits on their way, General.

VENOMOUS:  Wait.  You had a bet  on this…?

[Rayegun & Korrioth look away & adopt feral grins as we fade to black...]

—

She had been christened Excelsior II.

That was before I got it out on Texas State Highway 130.  (For the Uninitiated™, that’s the Austin-to-San Antonio toll road, where the speed limits run up to 85.  Not that anyone ever observes them…heh…heh…heh…)

This car makes the original Excelsior  feel like driving my old Cavalier.

Damn.  Just, damn. 

[SCENE:  Deep space.  His Rudeness, Lord Darth Venomous is on his way back from a (ahem) personal errand...]

VENOMOUS:  I don’t think I like the tone of your “voice”, Narrator.

[And just what were you doing out of pocket for so long, (sarc) my liege????? (/sarc) (As if we didn't...gakkkkk...akkkkk)]

VENOMOUS:  Comprehension & cognizant thinking aren’t your strong suits, are they, dickweed?  (looks offstage, as the Narrator drops to the floor with a very  hollow sound)  Awright, Understudy, your turn.

[...from a personal errand, and is traveling in his personal courier, the Scorpion-class Excelsior.

A blinking console light catches the Admiral's attention.  He opens a channel.]

VENOMOUS:  Excelsior, Venomous.

KORRIOTH (over speaker):  Korriorh, Admiral.  Stellar cartography update for you, sir.

VENOMOUS:  Very good, Kor, shoot it through.

[He touches a few more switches and opens a separate channel to receive the download.  After five minutes, the download completes and the software channel closes.

At that very moment, everything goes dark as Excelsior  loses power & drops out of warp.

Lord Venomous sits there, non-plussed.]

VENOMOUS:  No, Narrator, just wondering what to do when I get back.

[Get back, m'lord?]

VENOMOUS:  Whether to Force-choke the p’tahk, or use my lightsaber to cut out one of his hearts.

—

Ever had an Ubuntu kernel update hose your system, Denizens?

That’s three days I’ll never get back.

Sigh.

[SCENE:  Realm™ spacedock.  Previously ready to resume her travels, ISS Pegasus  floats, adrift (save for the artificial moorings securing her), mostly powerless.

Cut to the bridge, where General Korrioth busies himself attempting to fix the latest computer crash.  In walks engineer Ozymandias McCool with padd in hand.]

KORRIOTH:  Ah, there you are, McCool.  Report, please.

[McCool is rather taken aback - he's not used to this cordiality from the Klingon-Vulcan hybrid - but does an admirable job of recovery.]

OZY McCOOL:  Not the best news, General.  Probably another week or so to bring the main core online.  Has anyone notified the Admiral yet?

KORRIOTH (grinning wolfishly):  Oh, he knows, Commander.  He knows…

[Cut to SCENE:  Inside the Facebook energy ribbon from the original "Death" series.  From an empty view, two humans, a Klingon, a Romulan and several Bynars & Jawas crash to the floor, lifeless.

Pan the camera to a hooded figure, both arms outstreched, both hands making a Force-choke gesture.

The figure slowly moves his hands to his hood and removes it, revealing Lord Darth Venomous, whose agitated countenance includes a pair of dazzlingly bright purple eyes.]

VENOMOUS:  Does anybody else  want to try and say it’s not their fault?!?!?!

—

Okay, guys, the Big Box™ is down again – and yes, it’s because the 2TB (that’s “terabyte” to you in the Church of the SubTarded™) has crashed once again.

PFW benediction on hold until further notice – but be advised that I’m invoking Executive Fiat™ one last time.  (For details, just look below the banner.)

ThatIsAll™.

[SCENE:  Deep space.  Pegasus  is burning.

Cut to interior view, where crew members are hurrying into what passes for escape pods.  Cut to the ship's cramped excuse-for-a-cargo bay, where His Rudeness' personal courier, Excelsior...just blew up, narrowly missing Lord Venomous and General Korrioth.]

VENOMOUS:  So help me Cthulhu, Narrator, your union boss best get his ass to running…!

[What, you think this is my  fault?  I didn't write this crappy screenplay!]

VENOMOUS:  Like I’m supposed to take your word for it?  After what your predecessor pulled?

[You have my word, m'liege - I'm not responsible for this  one, promise.]

VENOMOUS:  Fine, then – into an escape pod with you.

KORRIOTH:  I don’t suppose you’ve got a separating bridge module up your sleeve, do you, m’lord?

VENOMOUS (grinning maniacally):  As luck would have it…mheh.  C’mon.

—

Denizens, this time both machines blew up at very nearly the same time.  Word to the wise:  if you have an older Core 2 or AMD64, don’t  upgrade to Ubuntu 12.04 64-bit.  It no likee.

The PFW recap will be delayed another day or so while I clean things up around here.

KORRIOTH:  M’liege, a moment, if I may…?

VENOMOUS:  Certainly, Captain.  What’s on your mind?

KORRIOTH:  You maintain that the current countdown has eight days remaining, is that not so?

VENOMOUS:  That’s right, Kor.  So?

KORRIOTH:  Far be it from me to question your reasoning, Admiral, but…

[His Rudeness™ slowly raises one eyebrow]

VENOMOUS:  This better be good, Bumpy.

[SCENE:  Realm™ command.  Delta Shift is positively bored, and technicians Holland and Craft are so bored, they're playing two-dimensional chess.]

HOLLAND:  So d’ya think we’ll ever get out of Rayegun’s doghouse?

CRAFT:  Not unless His Rudeness or Cap’n Korrioth give the word.  And given that they’re in the Umagakhali Nebula at the moment, we’re prob’ly stuck here a while…

[Pan past Craft's shoulder to a monitor showing nothing but deep space...until...

[SCENE:  Deep space.  We see the newly-minted ISS Pegasus  floating out amongst the stars.  The senior staff having transferred over, Poseidon  and Apparition  have warped back towards Realm™ territory.

Cut to Pegasus'  bridge, where the staff is gathered around Admiral Darth Venomous in the command chair.]

VENOMOUS:  So once they found out who I was, they actually offered to rebuild Pegasus  for us…

KORRIOTH:  “Us”, m’liege?

VENOMOUS:  Well…they actually knew me from my association with you.  You & Kha have quite the fan club over there, y’know.

K’HADIBAK’H:  Indeed.  One wonders why we’re not the stars of this show, rather than you.

VENOMOUS:  Because it’s my blog, bumpy.

K’HADIBAK’H:  (grunt)

VENOMOUS:  And with that, let’s get underway, shall we?  Stations, please, and set course for the Badlands.

[All take their seats, and K'hadibak'h programs his course.  He turns toward the admiral after a few moments.]

K’HADIBAK’H:  Course laid in, Admiral.

VENOMOUS:  Very well, Mr. K’hadibak’h.  Warp four whenever you’re ready.

[Kha touches a couple of controls, then pushes the drive lever forward to engage the engines.  The ship's great engine rev up...

...then rev back down & quit as the lights go out on the bridge.]

VENOMOUS:  Soon as I find that damned ribbon again, some engineer is gonna lose his head.

—

No sooner do I pronouce my machine as fit, then it dies on me.

Then again, near as I can tell, it appears to have been of my own doing this time.  Looks like I changed an access permission I wasn’t supposed to.

Oh, well.  That’s how I learned Windoze; it’s how I’ll learn Linux.

I have already learned one thing, though: Whereas it takes about three to six hours to rebuild a Windoze box, it takes all friggin’ weekend to rebuild a Linux distro. (And fully half of that  was spent coaxing the video driver to give me something slightly better than 640×480.)

Sigh.

[SCENE:  Deep space.  The Realm's™ brand-new Federation-class cruiser prototype, ISS Poseidon, has been joined by Mrs. Venomous' personal vessel, Apparition.  Poseidon, having been faster and thus first able to track the Facebook Nexus that apparently captured Lord Darth Venomous, has spent the last six hours scanning the energy ribbon that seems to serve as the nexus' gateway - without success.

On the bridge of Poseidon, Supreme General Rayegun is ship-to-ship with a highly-agitated Mrs. Venomous, and is desperately trying to calm her.]

[SCENE:  On the bridge of ISS Poseidon, the Realm's new Federation-class prototype.  Admiral Darth Venomous is still mired away in Facebook Hell™, and the bridge is empty, save for a couple of technicians named (ironically enough) Berkeley & Zhamno.

Zhamno is fiddling around with the Ops controls.  Berkeley is egging him on.]

BERKELEY:  Yeah, yeah!  Do it!  C’mon!

[Zhamno touches one last control.  On the viewscreen, the picture changes.]

ZHAMNO:  Schweet!

[At that moment, the turbolift doors fly open, revealing Supreme General Rayegun, who isn't the happiest of campers right at that moment.]

RAYEGUN:  What in the name of Fek’lhr  are you two doing?!?!

BERKELEY, ZHAMNO:  GENERAL, SIR!!!  Uh…uh…(ulp!)

RAYEGUN:  Never mind that.  Quit playing with the effing tractor beam and prep this bridge!  We launch in fifteen minutes!

BERKELEY:  Uh…sir?

RAYEGUN:  We’ve located the Admiral.  We’re going to assist Mrs. Venomous in rescue operations.

ZHAMNO:  But…but, sir…what about your ship?

RAYEGUN:  The Generalette took it.  Something called a “girls’ night out”.  Don’t ask, just move!!!

BERKELEY, ZHAMNO:  Yes, sir, aye aye, sir!!!  {They scurry as Rayegun exits.]

—

Prayers & well wishes for the quake area.

[SCENE:  Realm™ spacedock.  In the abscence of Lord Darth Venomous (whom, you will recall, is currently languishing in Facebook Hell™), Supreme General Rayegun has arrived from the Southern Command™ to oversee things.  His first order of business was to organize a search for the Admiral.

He is conferring now with Captain Korrioth, Realm™ shipmaster Commander K'tinghe and the rest of the senior staff.]

RAYEGUN:  So where is this ribbon now?

KORRIOTH:  Badlands, General.  Specifically, Sector 11287, in the Hogan system.  Estimated 3.1 days until it hits the Umagakhali Nebula.

RAYEGUN:  And you still believe His Snarkiness is in there.

OZY MCCOOL:  His last known position, yes, General.

RAYEGUN:  Very well. What do we have in the way of ships around here?

K’TINGHE:  We’ve come up with this prototype—

RAYEGUN:  You are not  sending the prototype in there after my friend, Commander, is that clear???

K’TINGHE:  Uh, not that  prototype, General.

[K'tinghe moves to the wall display on the far wall and touches a control.  A nasty, sleek-looking, dark-charcoal gray battlecruiser appears on the display.]

K’TINGHE:  General, this is the fleet’s newest vessel – Pegasus II.  We have built it with the strongest titanium alloy available, and coated it with a neutronium armor.  It is currently rated to withstand 2.5 times the amount of gravometric turbulence that our previous ships could tolerate.  It is ideal for going into areas that would tear apart other, lesser ships.

RAYEGUN:  Such as the perimeter of this ribbon.

K’TINGHE:  Aye, sir.  But that’s not the best part.  (K’tinghe touches another control.)  Look what we’re powering it with.

[Rayegun's mouth virtually hits the floor.]

RAYEGUN:  I don’t believe it.  He finally took my suggestion and put—

MERLIN:  Well, it wasn’t exactly  his idea.  Amazing what you can accomplish when a technical Luddite isn’t around to put the kibosh on things.

ALL: 

RAYEGUN:  Very well, then.  Get this ship prepped and on its way.  I can’t imagine we have all that  much time.

KORRIOTH:  Aye, General. (to K’tinghe) Move.

K’TINGHE (with a suddenly tight look on his face):  Captain—

KORRIOTH:  Is there a problem, Commander?

K’TINGHE(gulping almost audibly):  No, m’lord.  On my way.

[He turns to go, a sullen look on his face.  Korrioth ponders this for a moment, then turns his attention away, filing the sequence for later.]

—

Changes are coming.

Not anything that’ll affect you guys, but they’ll be fun to talk about, once in place.  (Well, they will be for the geeks among us, anyway.)

Watch this space.

[SCENE:  Unknown.  A black, empty, seemingly lifeless void in space.

Well, not completely  lifeless.  As we pan (not easy to do, as everything appears black), a prone, hooded figure appears, motionless, on the ground, as if in a spotlight.  (No, we don't know where the spotlight is coming from - let's not go there, 'k?)

After a couple of beats, the figure stirs, groaning in pain that seemingly racks its entire body.]

HOODED FIGURE:  Unnnhhh…uhhhh…damn.  I do  hope someone got the license plate of that battlecruiser…ow.

[The hooded figure rises to a kneeling position, shakes its head a couple of time, then removes the hood to reveal Lord Darth Venomous, who was previously thought to have been killed in the destruction of the ISS Titanic.  He looks left, then right, not seeing much.]

VENOMOUS:  Well, if this is my own personal Nexus, where the hell is Miss CJ Miles and the rest  of my Asian hookers…?

(NOTE TO READERS:  That’s a personal dig at Mrs. Venomous, FYI.  Fortunately, she’s at home and I’m here in this…wherever it is…so she can’t kabong me.    )

[Some sort of bright light flips on behind Lord Venomous.  He whirls around to look, and blanches.]

VENOMOUS:  What the…oh, shit.

[Not a drop of blood remains in His Rudeness' face as he reads the sign.]

Facebook

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It’s free and always will be.

VENOMOUS (muttering bitterly):  “Welcome to Hell.  How do  you like it?”

—

Yes, Denizens.  After years of resisting temptation, I’m now officially on Facebook.  Come find me & friend me.  (Hint:  There are apparently two (I knew  I shoulda trademarked it); I will be the one of Palpatine shooting purple Force lightning.)

Or not, I don’t care.

Thanks for reading the Death of the ISS Titanic  series.  Will have another mini-vignette for you soon.  And some  Klingons & union-types had best  watch their backs… 

[SCENE:  the bridge of ISS Titanic.  Lord Darth Venomous has guided the dying behemoth out of Realm™ spacedock and sent it warping toward Parts Unknown™.

Uh, m'liege - where are  you taking her?]

VENOMOUS:  Towards the sun, away from our civilization.  Be rather rude of me to drop this fireball on a populated planet, now wouldn’t it?

[But, Admiral, how are you going to get off the ship with no shuttlepods?]

VENOMOUS:  Not a problem.  I just happen to have stashed the prototype along this course, just in case I needed it someday.  (touches a control on a makeshift panel, aft) See?  There it is now.

[As we cut to the viewscreen, there hangs in space the Prototype™ - in worse condition than the last time we saw her, if that's possible.]

VENOMOUS:  Computer – time?

COMPUTER:  One minute, seventeen seconds to warp-core breach.

VENOMOUS:  Okay, excuse me, Narrator…let’s see, prefix code…bring systems back online…

[On the screen, the prototype visibly comes to life, as Titanic  comes ever closer, nearing transporter range.]

VENOMOUS:  …bring the transporter online…

COMPUTER:  (BREEEEEEP!!!)  Warning! Warp-core breach, thirty seconds.

VENOMOUS:  Okay, okay!  Now…wait.  How did you know I was out of shuttlepods, Narrator?

[On the viewscreen, from the upper left comes a string of energy that looks eerily like the Nexus gateway we saw in ST:Generations - only this one looks darker and more forboding.

The ribbon gets to the prototype first, slicing through it and destroying it instantly.]

VENOMOUS:  Oh, shit.

[How's it feel, knowing you're not gonna get out of this one alive, you son-of-a-bitch?!]

VENOMOUS:  WHAT THE FUCK…?!?!?!?!!!

[That'll teach you to Force-choke Allan-a-dale, our union brother, you sanctimonious bastard!  Suck it, wingnut!!!  BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA...!!!!!]

[The poor, helpless right-wing prole looks into the camera as he finally realizes that no Force tricks, no lightsabers, no particle disruptors are gonna get him out of this one.]

COMPUTER:  …zero.

[Cut to external view, as the energy ribbon, Titanic  and her breaching warp core meet at precisely the same time.  The explosion in space could almost be seen from Realm™ spacedock, so beautifully massive was it.]

NEXT:  Welcome to Hell.  How do  you like it?!

[SCENE:  Aboard the now-empty bridge of ISS Titanic.  Admiral Darth Venomous has banished his crew to the friendly confines of Realm™ headquarters, and is now keying in some final adjustments to the course on which he will send ISS Titanic  for its final voyage after the ship's core containment system failed.

Captain Korrioth calls Titanic  from spacedock control.  Lord Venomous answers the hail.]

KORRIOTH:  Admiral, sensors indicate the rate of containment deterioration is increasing.  We need to get you out of there soon.

VENOMOUS:  Acknowledged, Captain.  Just a couple of moments more, than I’ll kick this pig into gear and you can beam me out.  Stand by.

[SCENE:  On the bridge of the soon-to-be-defunct Titanic...]

VENOMOUS:  Geeze Marie, Allan, d’ya have to give away the whole  ending?

[And just how  many of our ships have survived warp-core breaches?]

VENOMOUS:  That’s not the point.  I pay you to narrate the story, not write it.

[You don't pay me enough is more like it.  Union, baby!!!  POWER TO THE PEOP...gakkkk...gakkkk...]

VENOMOUS (with hand outstretched):  That will be quite enough, narrator.  Understudy?

[The previous entity known as Allan-a-(union)Dale crumples to the floor, lifeless, extinguished by a Sith choke-out.

In the meantime, chaos reigns on the bridge of ISS Titanic  as the skeleton crew on board move to evacuate.]

KORRIOTH:  McCool, go see to your people!  McManx, you’re with McCool!  K’ha, internal scan for life signs to catch anyone we don’t know about!

K’HADIBAK’H:  Aye, sir!

KORRIOTH (turning to Venomous):  Admi…uh, Admiral, what are you doing?

[Venomous is at the helm, working controls.]

VENOMOUS:  Plotting a course to take this beast away from here, Captain.  They don’t grow spacedocks on cosmic trees, and I don’t wanna have to rebuild this one.

KORRIOTH:  M’lord, we need to get you off this ship!

VENOMOUS:  No, Kor, we need to get you  off this ship, whereupon you  will get me  outta here.  Now go; you have work to do.

KORRIOTH:  Admiral—

VENOMOUS:  Captain, go.  Get to the transporter and wait for my signal.

KORRIOTH:  (sigh) Yes, m’lord. (takes a look)  It doesn’t take that long to plot a course, does it?

VENOMOUS:  This one does.  Now go!

KORRIOTH:  (rolling eyes) Aye, Admiral.  [Korrioth takes the turbolift out.]

VENOMOUS (muttering to himself):  Can I please  get some writers that don’t force me to stay on the ship ’til the last effing minute…?!

To be continued…

[SCENE:  On the bridge of ISS Titanic.  The ship has just returned to Realm™ spacedock after a successful month-long shakedown cruise to test the new warp core.  Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool is beaming with pride at the rave review being given to him by Admiral Darth Venomous.]

VENOMOUS:  …we even got to test the upgraded particle disruptors, and for once, we made it through a successful mission without something or other blowing up.  I think you’ve earned that promotion back to Lieutenant Commander, Ozy, and it pleases me to so bestow you now…

OZY MCCOOL:  Thank you, Admiral.

VENOMOUS:  …and Wizard, if you want to embark on that vacation I’ve been promising you, I’ve taken the liberty of making a reservation for you on Risa.

MERLIN:  Thank you, m’liege.  At my age, it is sorely needed.  No pun intended, of course.

VENOMOUS:  Just one condition, my friend:  Under no circumstance are you to bring me a horga’hn – Mrs. Venomous would have what’s left of my skillet-battered head.

ALL:  BWAH-HAHAHAHA…!!!

[The laughter is rudely interrupted by a massive rocking of Titanic  and a simultaneous power failure.  The senior staff, including Venomous, are thrown about the bridge.  The automatic red-alert klaxons begin blaring.]

VENOMOUS (shouting at the nearest intercom):  Bridge to Engineering, report!!!

OFFSTAGE VOICE (over speaker):  1100 1001 1111 0000 1ac420dfee 1010 0101 ac2df19e…

[Even Venomous raises an eyebrow at that.  He's never heard a Bynar use hexidecimal before.]

VENOMOUS:  Ozy, what the hell was he saying?!?!

[Ozy's face is as white as a sheet.]

OZY MCCOOL:  There’s been an explosion in Engineering and they’re losing containment!  He’s estimating 10 minutes to a warp core breach!!!

VENOMOUS:  Oh, shit, not again.  Awright, guys, secure all stations and let’s get out of here!  T-Bone, get on it.

T-BONE MCMANX:  Aye, sir!  [He touches some controls and leans toward the pickup.]  All hands abandon ship!  Repeat, all hands abandon ship.  This is not  a drill.  I repeat, all hands abandon ship…

VENOMOUS (muttering to himself):  Just once  could I get some writers whose effing solution to everything wasn’t to blow up the damned ship…?!??!?!?!?!

—

Working through some issues here, Denizens.  Will try to post as time allows.  (It’s nothing serious, no worries – just a bleeping annoyance.)