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…aka the Pansy-Assed Football League.

Denizens, as we start this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153, we are once again reminded of what a bunch of pussified doucherifles the state of Kalifornication has become.&#160 For now, their infectious cancer has touched youth football.

Usually, when a mercy rule becomes a bone of contention it’s because the policy isn’t instituted soon enough, until after a game is already far out of reach. Yet in one Northern California community the opposite is unfolding, with parents furious about a new rule that they feel is cheating their children and coaches of football and money wasted on fines.

As reported by Sacramento NBC affiliate KCRA, the Northern California Federation Youth Football League (NCFYFL) instituted stiff new penalties for any teams that beat opponents by 35 points or more. Specifically, those teams will be fined $200 and their coaches will be suspended from all league activities for two weeks. The penalty is a drastic change for the league of 7-13 year-olds, which previously issued teams with a warning following such blowouts and required a written description that detailed what the victorious team had done to try and keep scores low.

[...]

With the new, harsher penalties, some players have begun insisting that their development is being hurt. One team has stopped attempting any field goals, leaving kicker James McHugh unable to attempt any scoring kicks except points after touchdowns. That’s a problem for a 13-year-old who hopes to serve as a high school placekicker in fall 2014.

Oh, hell&#160 no.&#160 Actually, it’s a problem for any self-respecting human being.

Thankful am I that Skip doesn’t play in such a league.&#160 For if he did, and they passed a fucktarded rule like this, the head of said league would have the term “ass-whipping” re-defined for him.&#160 By me.

And speaking of ass-whippings, let’s get to the football.&#160 It’s my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, destined to have their magical oh-fer season extended by the Aledo Bearcats.&#160 It’s Guaranteed Loss Night&#153, and the SpatulaLine&#153 is set at 65&#189 for this one.

Tomorrow morning, it’ll be Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs playing host to SMUT for the Iron Skillet.

And I shit you not – Vegas has the Frogs as an 18&#189-point favorite at home.

With Trevone Boykin at quarterback.

I think the Shitland Ponies win this one outright.&#160 Look for me to be extremely&#160 pissed come Monday.

Also Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames take on Kentucky Weslyan, which is apparently such a small program that they don’t even have an ESPN listing.&#160 Flames win comfortably here.

Sunday finds Houston playing host to Golden Taint and the Seattle Seahags.&#160 If the Tex-annes can’t beat Baltimore without RAYYYYMONNNNND LEWWWWWWISSSSSSSS!!!!!, I rather doubt they’ll beat Seattle.&#160 Vegas doesn’t think so, either – the Hags are a 2&#189-point road favorite.

And for a bonus game, the Dallas Cowboys, fresh off a manhandling of the St. Louis Ewes, travel to Mrs. Venomous’ home of San Diego to take on the “San Dee-ayy-go…Superchar-gers…” (a little Chris Berman lingo, there).&#160 Vegas likes Dallas minus 2&#189, so look for the Powder-Blue-And_Gold to romp.

We’re back Monday with the recap.&#160 In the meantime…dang, I didn’t know OU’s Blake Bell could throw

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This.

This&#160 is why I fucking follow football.

The best Triple-A team in the major leagues just handed an 8-2 crushing to a franchise that was supposed&#160 to maybe – just maybe! – contend for the World Series this year.

You would think&#160 that, after last year’s pathetic-assed chokejob, general manager/El Grande Presidente&#160 Jon Daniels, boy wunderkind, would get up off his ass and actually, y’know improve the ballclub.

Aw, but hell no!&#160 This supposed genius&#160 did nothing but lose several front line players (granted one of them was Josh “Quitter” Hamilton, but still), sign two aging, probably-done veterans, and do exactly fuckin’ dick&#160 in upgrading the pitching staff.

And then little Ronnie Warshington (yeah, I called him Warshington – don’t like it, come tell me to my face, pussies) ONCE AGAIN&#160 shows his ass in trying to, y’know, manage&#160 the fucking thing.

It’s a damned good thing there was an NCIS marathon going opposite on USA, else this rant would be a lot&#160 more vitrolic.

The only other good thing about this is that I can at least ignore competition sports for the next five months or so, until football comes back.

Fucking bastard-assed excuse-for-a-baseball-franchise…&#160

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Denizens, as we dive into the last regular-season edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153, we marvel at the apparent onset of What-Have-You-Done-For-Me-Lately-itis that seems to have infected college football.

Case in point:&#160 Two years ago, Gene Chizik was the toast of the NCAA as his Auburn Tigers were the Division 1-A Football Bowl Subdivision&#153 champions.&#160 (Having Cam Newton and a suffocating defense didn’t hurt him any.)&#160 Chizik seemed to be set for years to come – Alabama is a football hotbed, and the Auburn program looked to be on solid ground.

Gene Chizik lost his job the other day.

The rapid fall from a national championship to 3-9 and the Southeastern Conference doormat led to Chizik’s firing Sunday, the day after a humbling 49-0 loss to No. 2 Alabama that showed just how far the program has fallen.

The Tigers endured the worst slide within two years of winning a national championship of any team since the Associated Press poll started in 1936 and hadn’t lost this many games since going 0-10 in 1950. The decision came 17 months after Auburn gave Chizik a contract worth some $3.5 million annually through 2015 with a hefty buyout.

“After careful consideration and a thorough evaluation of our football program, I have recommended that Coach Chizik not be retained,” Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs said in a statement. “President (Jay) Gogue has accepted my recommendation. Earlier this morning, I informed Gene that he will not return as head coach.”

Damn.&#160 Just, damn.

But that’s college football for you:&#160 Cutthroat in the extreme.

On to the actual games.&#160 Wylie East, our latest Friday Night Heroes&#153, take on the Pirates of Mesquite Poteet up in the old SpatulaDigs&#153, aka Rockwall.&#160 I have no idea who’ll win.

Now, for what I promised you on Monday:&#160 There will be no PFW this weekend, and there are two reasons why.

The first is tomorrow at 11:00 am, when Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs host Bob Stoops’ 11th-ranked Oklahoma Sooners.&#160 Vegas has OU as a 6&#189-point road favorite, and – though it kills me to say it – they’ll do more than cover.&#160 This ain’t the Shortdicks of TU that the Froggies are playing, after all.&#160 TCU will be a lot more competitive the next time OU visits Fort Worth – but not tomorrow.

From OU’s point of view, they’re playing for a piece of the Big XII championship (and the outright title should TU…(snicker)…beat Kansas State up in Manhattan.&#160 (Like that’s&#160 gonna happen.)

The other reason is tomorrow night, as Bo Pelini’s 12th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers & Bret Bielema’s Wisconsin Badgers travel to Peyton Manning Stadium Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis for the Big 10 11 12 13 Ten championship.&#160 (Normally, this would be Ohio State & Nebraska; however, the Buckeyes are on NCAA probation, and are ineligible.)

Nebraska came from behind back in September to edge Bucky in Lincoln, and they’re only a three-point Vegas favorite here.&#160 As usual, it’ll come down to how Taylor Martinez plays – which is why I think Bucky will win.

Sunday, the Dallas Cowgirlz will win their last game of the year, as Phuckadelpha’s Eagles, proud owners of a seven-game losing streak, come to play at the Death Star.&#160 The Beagles are even more beat up than the Cowgirlz, if that’s even possible, and Dallas has already beaten them in Philthy.

Then again, they beat the NY Football Douchebags up in Joisey too and lost here, so…

We’re back Monday or so with the recap.&#160 In the meantime, my message to HDD is…GO HUSKERS!!!!!&#160

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And as if that weren’t enough (as the General succinctly noted here), the National Concubine of Asshats & Arsekissers decided to collect their own pound of flesh:

The NCAA decision to void all Penn State victories back to 1998 eliminated 111 Penn State victories, dropping iconic coach Joe Paterno from the all-time winningest football coach to 12th on the list.

With the wins voided, Paterno’s official career win total is 298. Bobby Bowden with 377 wins becomes the all-time winningnest Division I.

Bullshit.&#160 Pure, unadulterated, 100-percent non-biodegradeable bullshit.&#160 The NCAA does not have the authority to do that to either Paterno or&#160 Penn State.&#160 JoePa & the Nittany Lions won those games fair & square, and there’s fuck all&#160 the NCAA can do about it.

Suck it, NCAA!&#160 Joe Paterno has just as many wins as he did this time seven days ago.&#160 Kiss Penn State’s collective ass if you don’t like that.

The NCAA has slammed Penn State with an unprecedented series of penalties, including a $60 million fine and the loss of all coach Joe Paterno’s victories from 1998-2011, in the wake of the Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse scandal.

Other sanctions include a four-year ban on bowl games, and the loss of 20 scholarships per year over four years.

Not that I give a shit about what happens to the school itself, seeing as it pissed on the Paterno family’s back and tried to tell ‘em it was raining.

But if I were them, I’d be on the horn to my attorneys RightFuckingNow&#153.&#160 The National Cowards & Assholes Association may fancy itself as some sort of college athletics Gestapo, but that doesn’t mean their bullshit has the force of law.

Do it, Penn State.&#160 Bloody their noses a bit and see if they don’t back off.

I dare you.

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All I have to say is that for what this is gonna cost you, I hope that Louise at least put out for you a little bit.

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Prior to last weekend, the major-league baseball record for career homeruns was held by Hank Aaron, with 755.

Today, the major-league baseball record for career homeruns is held by…Hank Aaron, with 755.

Yes, I’ve read last night’s news.

No, I don’t give a shit what it says.

As far as I’m concerned, the number of career homeruns off the bat of one Barry “Captain Steroid” Bonds is whatever he hit prior to his juicing up…say, about 300 homeruns or so ago.&#160 Steroids are responsible for the remainder of them.&#160 In other words, this overgrown (literally, thanks to ‘roids) assclown cheated&#160 to get where he was today.&#160 He broke the rules to gain an unfair advantage, which got him in the position where he now finds himself.

(Not terribly unlike a certain fat-assed redhead bitch about 90 minutes east of here, but that’s another rant for another post.)

And what’s even more ludicrous is his claim that “he didn’t know they were steroids”.

WTF?&#160 Denizens, neither you nor I so much as pop a sesame seed in our mouths without knowing full well what’s in it, and El Freakboy claims he didn’t know what he was taking?!?!?!

Fuck that.

Ergo, this blog and this scribe categorically refuse to honor or recognize any homerun record laid claim to by Barry “Captain Steroid” Bonds.

F.E.T.E, as the Imperial Torturer is wont to say.

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