Posted by Darth Venomous @ 20:48
I try to do this every year, but more often than not there just isn’t time to give it justice. Which translates into a crappy post.
Oh, well – here goes…
2011 was the year of the Occutard. The Occupussy. The Occuchickenshit. The lazy-assed, shiftless, shitheaded assholes of douchebaggery who think they entitled to what we’ve worked so hard for, just because.
It started in September in New York City as “Occupy Wall Street” – and, when Michael Bloomberg, aka “Bloomberg the Ball-less” – being the pansy-ass he is – refused to kick them out, the
bowel movement spread to other cities (and countries) as well, including a tiny one here at Realm Headquarters.
Supposedly, according to Wiki (for all they themselves have zero credibility), the so-called “Occupiers” are
protes[ing]…against social and economic inequality, high unemployment, greed, as well as corruption, and the undue influence of corporations—particularly from the financial services sector—on government. The protesters’ slogan We are the 99% refers to the growing income and wealth inequality in the U.S. between the wealthiest 1% and the rest of the population.
It’s all bullshit, of course – basically, these pusstards want what you & I have, and they don’t want to have to work to get it. Their “solution” to this so-called “problem” is to take the 1-percent’s wealth and “redistribute it” (sound familiar?) to…them, of course.
Happily, though, some cities, such as Oakland, decided they’d had enough of the Occufools, and most of the encampments had been dismantled by December.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 13:53
Denizens, I’m not sure if it’s zapped energy because of the holidays, or burnout, or what, but I’m not feelin’ it as regards to writing a Year In Review post this year.
Nevertheless, I will attempt to crank one out this evening. Aided, of course, by copious quantities of carbonated adult beverage.
Watch this space.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 14:46
Denizens, our final Perfect Football Weekend for the season begins with an advisory.
As you’ve probably heard or seen, by now, ARRRRRRRR GEEEEEE THREEEEEE!!1!ONE!1ELEVENTEENTYBILLION!1!! was given the Heisman Trophy as an early Christmas present for (hack, spit) Baylor Half-Assed-Excuse-For-A-University, thus rendering that particular award as being on a par with the Nobel Peace Prize. (In other words, utterly worthless.)
That’s right, given. Because he sure as motherfucking Hell didn’t win it.
And of course, all of the Limp-Dick Media-types are creaming their panties over how ARRRRRRRRR GEEEEEEE THREEEEEE!!!!!!! went to hell-and-back, overcame ADVERSITY, BAH GAWD!!!!! (a little Jim Ross lingo, there), and beat UWarshington last night in the
BCS Ultimate Championship EVAH BECAUSE ARR GEE THREE’S THERE!!!!!! Alamo Bowl.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 19:51
Ouch. That’s gonna leave a mark.
Ron Paul’s campaign is denying an accusation from Michele Bachmann that her former Iowa campaign manager, state Sen. Kent Sorenson, was paid to defect.
Hours after appearing with Bachmann at an event, Sorenson endorsed the Texas congressman at a Des Moines rally saying Paul is the most conservative of the top-tier candidates.
Bachmann says Sorenson “was offered a large sum of money” and that he previously told her that ‘everyone sells out in Iowa, why shouldn’t I.’”
The torpedoing of Malicious Malkin’s honeygirl candidate aside, this speaks to two things:
1) How bad’s Michelle “Not an Elvis Expert” Bachmann’s campaign gotta be if even her Iowa campaign manager thinks it sucks?
2) More to the point, how good a judge of character can Bachman even be if her campaign staff is picking The GOP’s Crazy Uncle In The Basement as a place to where they should jump? I mean, Perry’s camp has openings, doesn’t it? That’s the best Sorensen can come up with?
Anyway, s’long, Michelle, thanks for playing.
And like Elvis – whom you hardly knew – your campaign has left the building.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 21:38
Owner Jethro really should get postal carriers to play for him on Sundays.
They don’t charge as much to mail it in.
#18 Texas Christian 31, Louisiana Tech 24 (Poinsettia Bowl)
at Dallas 7, Pussydelphia 20
Posted by David Hartung @ 23:37
I do not normally post my sermons on-line. They are written for a specific congregation, and I like to keep them in that context, but today I am making an exception. Below is a version of the sermon I preached this morning.
Posted by David Hartung @ 11:47
The Birth of Jesus Christ
1 In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. 2 This was the first registration when Quirinius was governor of Syria. 3 And all went to be registered, each to his own town. 4 And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, 5 to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. 6 And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. 7 And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels
8 And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. 10 And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
14 “Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
15 When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” 16 And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. 17 And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. 18 And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. 20 And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.
21 And at the end of eight days, when he was circumcised, he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb.
May our Lord bless this reading of his word.
This day we begin our celebration of the birth of a baby. While it is indeed right and proper to celebrate this birthday with great joy, we must never forget why this birth was necessary. We must also remember that the plan which was fullfilled on Calvary was God’s plan before the creation of the Universe.
May the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Amen
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 15:00
Take a look, Denizens:
Memo to the Blondie staff (specifically, Dean Young & John Marshall): Any carolers who give me that “we know where you live” line will find themselves with faces full of 12-gauge.
See, we have a little thing in Texas called “castle doctrine” (it’s also the law in other states, as well). Means that we can respond to threats in our domicile with deadly force if we see fit.
And “we know where you live” most definitely qualifies. Capíce???
Just a reminder for you and your “carolers” who think threats like that are cute ‘n clever.
Posted by David Hartung @ 8:13
General Claus’ Visit
To: All Personnel
_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:
_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.
_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2011.
_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.
_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.
_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 2005, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.
_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”
_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2011, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.
_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.
__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
OIC, Special Services
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 18:17
Denizens, we’ll start this Bowl Edition of the Perfect Football Weekend with an example of what happens when the rule-makers and the zebras that enforce their wishes get a liiiiiiiiiitttttttllllleeeee too anal-retentive.
When he raised his fist on his way to the end zone, Boston (Mass.) Cathedral High quarterback Matt Owens thought he was celebrating the score that would hand his school a surprising Super Bowl title. Instead, he was doing the one thing that could keep them from it: Earning a penalty on a play where there was nothing but green turf between himself and the end zone.
Taunting. They called him for fucking taunting.
As reported by the Boston Globe and Boston Herald among other sources, Owens was handed an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for raising his fist during his run to the end zone in the fourth quarter, a call which negated the touchdown and moved the ball back to the spot of the foul at the Blue Hills (Mass.) High 24-yard line.
The called back touchdown cost Cathedral the lead — had Owens reached the end zone without incident, Cathedral would have gained an 18-16 lead with roughly six minutes remaining in the game. A play later, the quarterback essentially cost his team the game, throwing an interception to Blue Hills cornerback Keith Gomes that paved the way for Blue Hills to run out the rest of the clock and seal a 16-12 victory.
All because a fuckheaded zebra – and a bunch of “aw, give’m a trophy just for showing up” helicopter parents thought a kid on another team that had also worked hard to get where they were was taunting their pwecous widdle babeezzzz.
Syphillitic sinkholes full o’ shit.
On to the football. It’s the Poinsettia Bowl in San Diego tonight, so that must mean it’s TCU. The 18th-ranked Froggies are a 10-point favorite over Louisiana Tech…
VENOMOUS: Vegas, are you sure you have that right?
VENOMOUS: You mean besides a team that would’ve beaten Baylor if it had a dependable kicker, would’ve torched SMU
T with an impartial officiating crew, and did beat a top-10 team on their Smurf Turf field only being a 10-point favorite over a team that couldn’t beat Hawai’i? Nah, not really.
Bet the house on TCU. This isn’t even going to be close.
Saturday night, the Dallas Cowgirlz get their
first second shot at wrapping up the NFC Least when they host Mikey “Woof!” Vick and the rest of the Philthydelphia Beagles.
Wouldn’t really even bother me too much if the ‘Girlz lost this…as long as DeSeanna Jackoff finally took a beating. But this is the same buncha cowards that wouldn’t put a steel-toed boot to Bwandi Jackoff’s crotch the other night, so look for another embarrassment.
We’re back Sunday or so for the recap. Assuming, that is, that I’m not sawing logs from too much Christmas ham the night before…
Posted by David Hartung @ 20:45
To: His Nastiness Darth Venomous, Commander Pegasus(or whatever bucket of bolts he might have running)
From: The Vicar
Re: Unknown Lights
Your Nastiness, when embarking on your Christmas Cruise, beware of bright stars in the east! Starship collision with stars almost always ruins the cruise, and results in the vessel needing major space dock level maintenance!
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 18:49
Hmf. I guess Tampa really is that bad.
Dallas 31, at Tampa Bay 15
Didn’t really help that the Bucs sorta shot themselves in the foot a couple times. But Romo did what Romo is basically supposed to do, which is slice ‘n dice a bad team to shreds.
Let’s hope he can do it next week.
Time permitting, we’ll start chronicling the bowl games tomorrow night, when I proclaim a Guaranteed Win Night for the Froggies.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 22:04
Drudge has it up that Kim Jong “Mentally” Il has packed it in.
Y’all know what that means…
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 19:22
Cowgirlz play tonight at Tampa Bay. Guaranteed Loss Night. Recap either tomorrow or Monday.
Posted by David Hartung @ 10:23
Four women in history.
The first becomes pregnant through an act of prostitution.
The second is a prostitute.
The third is an enemy alien.
The fourth becomes pregnant through an act of adultery.
What might these women have in common?
What significance might this have in our lives?