Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:25
[Scene: deep space. We zoom in on a Bird-of-Prey which floats at an extremely odd angle, looking as if it’s adrift in space. A closer examinatino reveals the vessel to be Pegasus, seemingly powerless and dead in the water.
Cut to the bridge, where the only thing keeping out the vacuum of deep space seems to be the outer hull. The bulkheads have completely collapsed, and all stations are completely buried in huge chunks of debris.
A spot in the center of the mess begins to shift. A hand emerges and begins to claw its way around, seeking purchase. Finding a stable spot in the pile, the hand braces and presses down on top of the mound. We see an elbow, then a bicep, then the head of Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant peeks through. He gulps in air, then has a coughing fit.]
LSIK&T: What the hell was that??? Korrioth!!! [He looks around the bridge as if seeing it for the first time.] Uh…Korrioth?
[Near the science station, a mound of rubble begins to move. Korrioth, the Klingon/Vulcan hybrid wrests himself free, throwing chunks of debris outward. His Rudeness™ shields himself from the onslaught.]
KORRIOTH: I…(dusts himself off)…seem to be functional, Admiral.
LSIK&T: Captain? What just threw my ship around like a rag doll?
KORRIOTH: Admiral, it appears to have been a random string element. Sensors detected it just in time to allow automatic shields to snap to, else we’d be so much space dust by now.
LSIK&T: Well, three cheers for the automatic shields. (to intercom) Engineering! McCool, are you still with us?
KORRIOTH (checking instrumentation): Doubtful you’ll get a response, Admiral. Systems are down all over the ship, including communications. Life support appears to be functioning on emergency batteries.
LSIK&T: Find whoever you can throughout the ship, take a detail and get to work restoring ship’s systems, beginning with life support. I’ll start excavation operations up here. Get moving.
KORRIOTH: Aye, sir.
Denizens, the move is complete, and I’m digging out from all the boxes, computer equipment, various & sundry. Soon as I get bearings, we’ll catch up on the PFW and various other shit (so now Queen Hilarious is supposedly a lesbo? Well, that would explain Kaiser Wilhelm von Skirtchaser ).
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 7:02
(PROGRAMMING NOTE: The PFW™ recap will be posted once things settle down around here.)
Denizens, I’m a little hamstrung here –
AO-Hell Time Warner Cable Fuckups™ (seriously, that should be the name of their half-assed excuse-for-a-company) snipped my cable a bit early…
MERLIN: Oh, admit it – they did us a favor.
KORRIOTH: You must admit we wouldn’t have finished packing in time had we been planted on our asses this weekend watching football.
OZY MCCOOL: At least not without pulling you-know-who out of the airlock and conscripting her.
LSIK&T: Oh, yeah – almost forgot about them. How’s that going?
MERLIN: Weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth – the usual.
LSIK&T: Just make sure you feed ‘em enough to keep ‘em alive before we blow the hatch, hm?
KORRIOTH: Ooooh, that reminds me – it’s been a couple days.
LSIK&T (laughing): Kor, why didn’t they draft you for the Dominion War?
LSIK&T: Because you buried me by putting me in command of the Hum-a-zoo.
LSIK&T: Yeah, well – next time, don’t interrupt me whilst I’m Chick Chasing™, mkay?
Anyway, Time Warner chopped not only my cable, but the ‘Net as well (I’m doing this entry off my wireless modem), so things are a little iffy at the moment. Nevertheless, I managed to find this little jewel for your viewing pleasure.
Comment by qsilver
Reminds me of the time I had to call the local PD here. 2 AM and I hear this scream. This is through closed windows, over the racket of a 10,000 BTU AC in the window, and the TV on. I grabbed my pants, sidearm, and cordless phone. I headed down the stairs and out the side door to figure out what the hell was going on and spotted a domestic disturbance taking place. No big deal, until you know that the place the disturbance was is the top of a 75 ft. cliff.
I called the PD and talked to the dispatcher:
Me: Hey, there’s a domestic going on here at the end of the road. They’re screaming and swinging, and they’re right on the edge of the cliff.
Dispatch: How long has this been going on?
Me: I don’t know, I heard the screams and came out here with my sidearm to make sure my downstairs tenant wasn’t getting murdered.
Dispatch: Do you have a… GUN sir?
Me: Umm… Yeah. It’s 2AM and I hear blood curdling screams I grab my sidearm before heading out the door.
Dispatch: Sir… Guns are dangerous… You really shouldn’t have that…
Me: (Long, disgusted pause) Honey, just because YOU had to become a dispatcher because you’re too stupid to handle a firearm does not mean the rest of us are all mental defectives.
Dispatch: Sir! I don’t like your tone of voice!
Me: And I don’t like that you’ve ignored a domestic assault happening ON THE TOP OF A DAMN CLIFF! You want to quit bitching about my second amendment rights and send an officer down here before the bitch ends up tossed over the side and I have to shoot the fucking boyfriend?
I sat on the porch till they patched it up and drove away, since dispatch apparently didn’t like my attitude and so never sent out a cruiser. Or maybe they were all tied up with more important things… like the run to Krispy Kreme.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 6:45
This week’s edition of the PFW leaves your humble correspondent…
LSIK&T: Aaaaah, bite me.
…a little torn.
As most of you know by now, Texas Tech’s Mike Leach was fined 10 large ones for comments he made about the officiating in last week’s 43-59 loss to the TU
And here is the dilemma. It’s no secret that TU gets more than its share of calls, simply because they’re TU. The Big XII can deny it all they want, but The World’s Biggest College Football Payroll™ (again, my opinion, so you Shortdick attorneys can go fuck yourselves) covers more than just players, if you ask me (once again, my opinion).
On the other hand, it was, what, two years ago?…that a peon named Taurean Henderson scored a phantom touchdown against OU (if you’ll recall, I blogged about it at the time).
OZY MCCOOL: Two years ago Wednesday, in fact.
KORRIOTH: You weren’t even around then, whelp!
OZY MCCOOL: I was still in the Academy, Captain, ’tis true. But it was the best football rant I’d ever read to that point.
LSIK&T: Give me six more months of that before your next promotion, McCool.
OZY MCCOOL (glumly): Yes, m’Liege.
As fate would have it, a fact that escaped me at the time was that, just as Leach bitched last week about one of the officials living in Austin…one of the officials for that OU game two years ago…wait for it…
MERLIN: Let me guess – lived in Lubbock?
LSIK&T: Give the wizard a prize.
K’HADIBAK’H: Can you say “hypocrite”? Sure you can.
Therefore, I’m not ‘zactly sure whether to have sympathy for the jackass or not.
Anyway, on to the football. My Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets…are done for the year. Therefore, we switch to the alternate team, the Royse City (Texas) Bulldogs – who, as luck would have it, are ranked #7 in Class 3A in the state of Texas. They play a group from the nearby town of Frisco, Wakeland High. We’ll keep our fingers crossed for a deep playoff run.
Saturday, Bowling Green State University travels to New York to take on the UBuffalo Bulls. And as Cthulu is my witness – the game’s a “pick ‘em”, according to Vegas.
Therefore, for this game only, I’m going to waive the “line plus 14″ rule, and take the result of this game straight up. Let’s see what Turner Gill’s young charges can do in this environment.
Also Saturday, the third-ranked Oklahoma Sooners visit the aforementioned Texas Tech Red Raiders in Lubbock. The line is OU by 8½, so I fully expect another eleven-on-eighteen beatdown, but we’ll see.
Top-ranked LSU is an 19-point favorite when it goes to Ole Miss Saturday, and since the Rebels no longer have Eli Manning throwing for them, I’m inclined to call this a safe bet.
Saturday evening, Texas Christian’s Horned Frogs have their last home game of the year against the Runnin’ Rebels of UNLV. Should be a win for the Good Guys, which will make them bowl-eligible – just in time to accept a bid to play the Armed Forces Bowl in (where else?) Fort Worth at (all together now) Amon Carter Stadium. (And yes, I’ll go to it, and yes – it’ll count in the PFW.)
Sunday, Washington comes into Texas Stadium to get its collective head handed to them by the Cowboys. Will all due respect to LC John Wardle, the ‘Skins are badly beaten up, won’t have any of their top three receivers for the game, will also be missing one of their best defenders, with another one distracted for personal reasons, and coming off a disheartening loss to Phuckadelphia in DC. This is going to be a major squash.
Not that I mind, but still.
Now. As Moving Day™ is Monday, and I look to be on laptop power only for a couple days after that, the recap may be combined with the preview for next week. I’ll try to let you guys know.
In the meantime, Bucky whipped Michigan last week. Why have we not heard from the Humble DevilDog???
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 19:58
It is a happy day in the Realm.
And it’s about damned time, too.
“Didn’t know what [he] was taking”, my lily-white cracker ass.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:12
Yes, Denizens, it’s that time again. A young lady by the name of Darla Y. turns 45 today.
Oh, by the way – so did I.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 21:35
Memo to the New York Football Giants: When you dress like a college football team, and you look like a college football team…you generally play like a college football team.
Arlington Heights 23, at Western Hills 7
Texas Christian 22, at Bigamy Young U 27
at #5 Oklahoma 52, Baylor 21
at #2 LSU 58, Louisiana Tech 10
Dallas 31, at New York Football Giants 20
The write-up from the Startlegram says that Heights beat Hills in the “fifth-place game”. What I want to know is…why? Neither team appears headed for the playoffs, contrary to what I thought this game was for the other day, so why play it?
Anyway, Heights winds up 5-4, and Coach Duke Christian gets to keep his job another year.
As poorly as Texas Christian played Thursday, they actually had a chance to win the game in the fourth quarter. Andy Dalton had taken the Frogs on a 94-yard scoring drive to cut the lead to five with three and a half left, then even got the ball back with two and a half left. But Dalton is even more of a statue than Ballard was last year, and he got sacked on successive plays 11 seconds apart.
TCU’s bowl aspirations are in serious jeopardy at this point.
Les Miles got a pretty good birthday present Saturday night. Not only did his Tigers roll over La. Tech, but Ohio State got upset by Illinois in Big Ten play, meaning that the formerly #2 Tigers will once again be #1 next week.
Flynn had three touchdowns to go with 237 yards on 14 of 26 passing, and Jacob Hester had 115 yards and a touchdown rushing.
Baylor actually led OU at one point, taking the ball on their third possession and driving down the field, using crisp passing to shred the OU secondary.
Then OU got the ball back.
Boom – Bradford to Manny Johnson for 11. Boom – Bradford to Allan Patrick for another 11. Boom, boom – Patrick and DeMarco Murray for 8 & 5, respectively. Boom – Bradford to Malcolm Kelly for yet another 11. Boom – Murray for 25 and a touchdown.
After a Baylor three-and-out, Bradford would hit Kelly for a 51-yard TD pass. OU would not trail again.
Bradford would finish 20 of 25 for 353 and three touchdowns. Murray had 95 yards and three touchdowns. Patrick added 46 yards to the effort.
The New York Football Giants have a red alternate jersey that they yank out when they play the Cowboys. They were 1-2 in them.
Make that 1-3.
The Cowboys started the game with a Julius Jones run off right tackle for 20, then Romo began to nickel-and-dime the Giant secondary all the way down the field, mixing in the occasional Jones run to keep the Giants honest. They would score on a Romo special – a scramble followed by a pass mere milliseconds before he got clocked, the seemingly unorthodox throw finding its way to backup tight end Tony Curtis for a score.
It didn’t take long for the G-men to tie it. Eli Manning alternated between passes to Plaxico Burrest & Jeremy Shockey, mixed in with pounding runs from Brandon Jacobs, and New York scored in 10 plays
It would be the only legitimate (read: hard-earned from a long drive) touchdown the Giants would get all night. They got another touchdown off a Romo pick, and two field goals.
One of those field goals came courtesy of a boneheaded dumbass play by linebacker Kevin Burnett. Having stopped Jacobs for no gain at the Giant 34, Burnett couldn’t leave well enough alone, and bent down to get in Jacobs’ face about it. One 15-yard flag for taunting and a 30-yard pass to Shockey later, kicker Lawrence Tynes had tied the game on a 40-yarder from the right hash.
(Memo to Burnett: Hey, dumbass, be very thankful Jimmy Johnson isn’t still coaching this team. Suggest you ask Curvin Richards why.)
Fortunately, it wound up not hurting the ‘Boys after Romo began bombing the NYG secondary in the second half. Touchdown passes of 25 and 50 yards to Terrell Owens, and the G-men were done.
And yes – I called him by his given name. Our Mr. Owens appears to have figured it out:
“With this offense, I know we’re capable of putting points on the board,” Owens said. “Everybody on this team is making plays. I’m a big part of that. I just have to remain patient.”
Would the T.O. of old – the one with the attitude that it was all about him – have made a statement like that in the past? (Granted, this is the best online example I can find – but in interviews after the game yesterday, I heard an Owens I’d not heard before. So did a lot of other people, to listen to the Fox analysts.)
“Obviously today, we had more penalties than we would like, and we have to eliminate those,” T.O. said. “That was everybody’s emotions running high. There was a little trash-talking by them. We came here, the game was played and I feel like we made a statement.”
Romo didn’t think so all that much. But to go into the Meadowlands, on the heels of going into the Linc, and getting both games should tell you something about this year’s edition of the Cowboys: These guys can play.
This week: 4-1. Overall: 45-13.
The PFW will return either Thursday or Friday, depending on whether Heights has another game this year.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:02
With all the hullabaloo about football and all the other Sunday stuff, it behooves me to remind all y’all that today is the day we honor our veterans.
And I have one word to say to all of you who served.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:09
Denizens, I’m sure you’ve noticed that posting once again has become a little…sporadic.
MERLIN: As opposed to what?
LSIK&T: (sigh) Give’m all raises and they all go out and buy smart mouths.
Anyway, posting may become even moreso – the lease is up on this place, and I’m getting my stuff in boxes in preparation for the movers.
KORRIOTH: You mean, we’re getting it packed up.
OZY MCCOOL: Yeah, m’Liege – how about you help out a bit?
LSIK&T: That’s what I have you for, isn’t it? And why aren’t you enlisting the cadets to help out?
T-BONE MCMANX: You said we couldn’t.
LSIK&T: I said, McManx, that you couldn’t hire them. As in, for money.
[The collective light comes on above the crew's heads.]
MERLIN: But you didn’t say anything…about…
LSIK&T: …about conscripting them.
[The crew collectively heaves a sigh of relief and smiles begin to pop up about the bridge of Pegasus.]
MERLIN: Captain Korrioth, would you care to accompany me in some…ah…reconnaissance?
KORRIOTH: Why, I’d be delighted, Mr. Merlin.
LSIK&T: Off with you, then. Get some strapping youngsters. And bring their girlfriends, too – it’s been too long since we had a concubine around here.
MERLIN & KORRIOTH: AYE, AYE!!!!!
[They set a land-speed record for getting to the turbolift.]
K’HADIBAK’H: How could we have ever doubted you, m’Lord?
LSIK&T: Eh. I just know what buttons of yours to push, is all.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:05
Denizens, as you know, I usually start PFWs with something either funny and/or topical.
MERLIN: Well, one out of two ain’t bad.
[His Rudeness waves his hand. Merlin flies backward, hits the back of his head on the bulkhead, and falls to the floor, out cold.]
LSIK&T: Not. Tonight.
Anyway, I’ve just spent roughly two hours getting home, thanks to !$*(@*@! Dallas half-assed excuses-for-drivers who couldn’t be tasked to keep from hitting one another.
Therefore, here’s the short version of the PFW:
Tonight: TCU’s up in Utah, playing BYU as I write this. It’s TCU’s swiss-cheese secondary against BYU’s passing attack, the Mormons are undefeated in conference…and as if that weren’t bad enough, it’s Thursday night. Guaranteed Loss Night for the Frogs. And my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are in a playoff game vs. old arch-rival Western Hills for the right to get trampled by Aledo in next week’s playoffs. Thankfully, Heights’ season ends tonight.
Saturday: #2 LSU and #4 Oklahoma get breathers this week against Louisana Tech and Baylor, respectively. Line is LSU minus 36½ and OU minus 38½. You do the math.
Dallas is at the New York Football Giants on Sunday afternoon. This one scares me; the G-men are playing halfway decently now. Two points will decide this game.
Oh, and UBuffalo is off this week.
Back Monday (hopefully) for the recap – work’s a beast right now, and I don’t have time to do squat.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:55
Great Honkin’ Cthulu, where has this team been all season?
at Arlington Heights 28, North Side 16
at Texas Christian 37, New Mexico 0
UBuffalo 28, at Miami (Ohio) 31 (Buffalo covers)
at #5 Oklahoma 42, Texas A&M 14
#3 LSU 41, at #17 Alabama 34
Dallas 38, at Phuckadelphia 17
Arlington Heights got the expected win against the Steers of
Little Illegal Mejico North Side.
Now, I thought they were done for the year, but it turns out they have yet one more game in them. We’ll talk about it in the next edition.
UBuffalo actually lead the Redhawks briefly before settling for a halftime tie. But quarterback Dan Raudabaugh (2 TD passes) and tailback Cory Jones (125 yards rushing) were too much for the Bulls.
Seriously, did anyone really think Dennis “The
Damn-Near Fired Mercenary” Franchione was going to be able to beat Bob Stoops up in Norman?
Sam Bradford threw five touchdown passes (four to tight end Jermaine Gresham, a school record) as the Sooners pounded the Aggies for three quarters, then took the fourth semi-off and let A&M score a couple.
DeMarco Murry had the other touchdown to go along with his 70 yards.
Once again, call ‘em the Cardiac Cats.
Down by seven with 7½ minutes to play off a 61-yard punt-return TD by Bama’s Javier Arenas and facing 4th & 4, the Tigers tied the game on a 32-yard pass from Matt Flynn to Early Doucet, then safety Chad Jones forced a Tide fumble deep in their own territory, and Jacob Hester scored with a minute and a half left to keep LSU’s national championship hopes alive.
All during the Sunday night game, Michaels & Madden were making a big deal about Phuckadelphia being the city of Rocky. The Lincoln Financial Field PA folks even played Survivor’s Eye Of The Tiger prior to kickoff.
Rocky Balboa, meet Clubber Lang.
The Beagles won the toss, took the opening kickoff – and on the first offensive play from scrimmage, Demarcus Ware blindsided The World’s Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever™, Marcus Spears caused Donna McCrabb to cough up the ball, Bradie James recovered, Julius Jones punched it in, and the ‘Boys were on their way.
Phucky did manage to tie it, but the Cowboys would dominate from there. Romo threw for 324 yards, three touchdowns (one to Widdle Terri Owens, who did his patented Eagle Flap TD dance afterward) and a pick, and Marion The Barbarian ran for one hard-earned touchdown.
The defense harassed Donna all night, sacking him three times, picking him off twice and forcing several more errant throws.
It was so bad for the City of Brotherly Shove that by the 2:00 warning, there were barely 4000 folks left in the Linc – not even enough left to boo Santa Claus.
Memo to Gary Patterson: Perhaps, instead of these weird-assed Thursday matchups, you should write 16 days off into your schedule every bloody game.
Denizens, I’m a little pressed for time the last couple of days, so I’ll let Wendell Barnhouse tell you about the Froggies’ unbelieveably dominant win over the Lobos of New Mexico.
For my part, this is the team I’ve been expecting to see all year long – not too cute on offense (the two or three trick plays notwithstanding), but not staid enough to put the TCU faithful to sleep – and a defense that flat-out kicked ass.
Tommy Blake returned for the Frogs, and while he only recorded one tackle (that I knew about), his presence was a boost to the Tadpoles, and they played like it.
Now to keep it up, because it doesn’t get any easier from here.
This week: 6-0 (PFW achieved (4)). Overall: 41-12.
The PFW will return Thursday, as Texas Christian once again attempts to commit Thursday night hara-kiri. Join me then.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:11
If I didn’t know better, I’d say NBC was in a tooth-and-nail battle to see which network’s news division could portray itself as the absolute most stupid-assed on television.
Beginning this evening, right before Cowboys-Beagles, they turned all their logos & graphics green, then shut off the lights in their Football Night in America studios, all the while bleating about how the electricity they saved would power 2000 homes for six months, and if everybody in Dallas & Phuckadelphia would just shut off the lights in one room of their super-duper-overextravagant 10,000-square-foot mansions ( ), they could power Algore’s house for a year or somesuch. (They’re calling it their “Green is Universal” campaign – NBC, if memory serves, is either owned by or closely aligned with Universal Studios somehow.)
Then at halftime, they bring out the always-retarded MATT WAUWER (a little Rush lingo, there), ostensibly broadcasting from the North Pole or the Arctic Circle or whereever, complete with a bloody igloo, whining on and on about how this is soooooooo important as to how we live our lives, and that the Today show will have the aforementioned Prince Ozone on for the first time since the Nobel dumbshits decided to cheapen their award even further, and MATT WAUWER is just all gaga over Algore and wants to have his baby…
…and I’m like, Good Gawd Almighty™, who’s the addle-brained moronic twit who’s putting them up to this?
Recommendation to the Denizens: Keep your remote controls off Nothing But Crackheads for a week, hm?
After you finish watching the Cowboy ass-whipping of the Beagles, of course.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 19:26
And once again, the New England Pussies prove conclusively that they can’t win shit on their own efforts – they have to have help from the officiating.
On the drive that put them up 24-20, the bastard Brady (whose knees I’d still target, were I an NFL head coach) threw a 55 yard pass to
Don-Gay Donté Stallworth, who caught the ball out of bounds.
Oh, but there were the Pansy-prick-sucking zebras on the spot to rule a force-out (which, by the way, isn’t reviewable under No Fucking Logic league rules) – you know, the force out that Widdle Terri Owens didn’t get when the Pussies pushed him out of bounds three weeks ago?
Why is it that when they need it, it gets called – but when they commit a force-out, nooooooooo – the motherfucking stripes turn their fucking eyes away?
Fuck the New England Pansy-assed Pussies. And you can quote me.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 19:29
[Scene: the bridge of Pegasus, where Korrioth, K’hadibak’h, Merlin, Ozymandias McCool and T-Bone McManx anxiously await the arrival of Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant™ from the daily PC wars. (PC, in this case, standing for “Personal Computer”.) His Rudeness™ was suppoesd to write the PFW post today, and nothing’s come in to this point. Korrioth is visibly upset, fearing the worst – that something’s happened to Spats and that he’ll have to start writing the damned things.]
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 7:15
I guess the heterophobe community thinks that they’re going to take a page out of Goebbels’ playbook: Inundate skulls full o’ mush (a little paraphrased Rush lingo, there) with bullshit long enough, and said skulls will come to believe the memes as
Obviously, they’ve never met me.
So here comes the latest round of sodomite bullshit in the form of a movie, the title of which (“For the Bible Tells Me So”) seeks to co-opt a part of one of the first songs you ever learn in Sunday School – thus proving the old axiom that when limp-wristed heterophobic liberal shits hit rock bottom when it comes to depravity, the first thing they’ll do is pull out their trusty jackhammers.
OZY MCCOOL: Gross.
KORRIOTH: Tell me that wasn’t intentional, m’Liege.
LSIK&T: Well, no…but you gotta admit…