Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:51
Well, we know at least one present won’t make it to my son’s waiting arms this year.
The bear I sent him – one of those little Teddy Snowflake© numbers that his mom’s so damned fond of – got rejected at the door by a “P. Stewart”.
(For the uninitiated, that’s Steffi the Doublewide Bitch Supreme’s fat-assed son-of-a-bitch daddy, Paul Stewart. Same motherfucker who committed criminal tresspass back in 2003 when he barged into my house, uninvited – the Forney DA convinced me to subsequently drop the charges, something which I shortly thereafter wished I hadn’t done.)
Merry Christmas anyway, Skip. One day soon, I’ll get to tell you my side of the story – they won’t be able to keep me away from you for your entire life, try though they might.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:19
ON THE OUTER RIM, AT THE REALM-EMPIRE BORDER, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS “HOUSTON” – Janet El Reño’s favorite Web browser, Netscape – or, as I’ve been known to call it, Nutscrape (and be honest, when was the last time you looked at the very bottom of this page, hm?), is going toes up on February 1st.
Let us now pause a moment to render the appropriate response to this news.
BWAHHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…~!!!!! (guffaw, cackle, snort!!!!!!)
Thank you for your participation in this somber occasion. (snx)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 7:45
As we launch the last episode of the Perfect Football Weekend, we’re making preparations for that favorite of all activities…
KORRIOTH: (raises eyebrow)
LSIK&T: Well, okay – second favorite.
KORRIOTH: Was gonna say.
LSIK&T: Hush, you.
…that being the cherished road trip.
OZY MCCOOL: Do we get to come this time, m’Liege?
LSIK&T: Sure, Ozy. I think there’s room in the trunk for you this year.
OZY MCCOOL: Aw, man…
Anyway, the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian are going into hostile territory tonight – to the city of Houston, TX, to play in the Texas Bowl (formerly the EV1.net Houston Bowl) against – yeah, you guessed it – the Houston Cougars. And I’ll be right there with ‘em.
MERLIN: Not terribly unlike four years ago when they hosted Boise State in their own bowl game.
MERLIN: Uh…Smurf Turf State?
LSIK&T: Better, Wizard.
MERLIN: Sorry, sir.
The Frogs are actually favored, but the entire game will hinge on how well the Swiss-cheese secondary handles the renowned Houston passing game. As it did two years ago, a field goal late will decide this one.
Small side note: Looks like the Frogs are once again the visitors, for jersey purposes, meaning they’ll wear all white. Oh, well – as long as they wear the purple pants…
Sunday, the Dallas Cowboys play a completely meaningless game against the
Warshington Washington Fore Redskins to close out the NFL regular season. Other than the chance to get Terry Glenn some work and shoot for a franchise-record 14th regular-season victory, the game means less than squat. I’m not even gonna get pissed off should they lose – which’ll stick in LC John Wardle’s craw mercilessly.
K’HADIBAK’H: You are the sadistic one, aren’t you?
LSIK&T: Well, I do have a reputation to maintain.
OZY MCCOOL: Point.
Wednesday, Jan 2, the 4th-ranked Oklahoma Sooners get their toughest test of the year when they play in the Fiesta Bowl in Tempe, Arizona against the 9th-ranked West Virginia Mountaineers. The Mountaineers have two very dangerous offensive weapons in Pat White and Steve Slaton, so OU needs to have a care. I like OU, though, as long as Sam Bradford plays the entire game.
Monday, January 7, the PFW is proud to say that one of its teams – #2 LSU – goes up against #1 Ohio State University in the BCS championship game in New Orleans. A home game of sorts for the Tigers, they’re actually favored in this one, by 4½. Look for a defensive struggle, as both defenses would give the Detroit Lions absolute hell.
We’re back Tuesday, January 8th for the recap and benediction. In the meantime, perhaps the Humble Devildog will explain why Bucky is a two-point dog to UTennessee, of all teams…
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 7:38
Pakistani “opposition leader” and former prime minister Benazir Bhutto was killed in a suicide bombing earlier today.
I’ll be interested in seeing how Musharraf (sp?) responds.
UPDATE: Check that – looks like the cowardly little fucker shot her first, then blew himself up.
According to reports, the Pakistanis are blaming Musharraf for this somehow, but I don’t buy it. The SpatulaGoddess has reported that Al-Qaida’s taking responsibility – though why they’d want to help Mushie in that regard, I’ve no idea.
“Developing”, as Drudge would say…
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 11:37
So it’s a day late & a dollar short. Sue me.
But if the Christmas Scripture reading is a yearly tradition here in the Realm™, then so’s this.
General Claus’ Visit
To: All Personnel
_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 1998. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:
_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.
_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 1996. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 1996.
_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.
_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1996, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.
_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1995, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.
_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 1996, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”
_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 1996, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.
_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.
__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
OIC, Special Services
As you were.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 0:11
Now in those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus, that a census be taken of all the inhabited earth. This was the first census taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. And everyone was on his way to register for the census, each to his own city.
Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and family of David, in order to register along with Mary, who was engaged to him, and was with child.
While they were there, the days were completed for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
In the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened.
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased.”
When the angels had gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds began saying to one another, “Let us go straight to Bethlehem then, and see this thing that has happened which the Lord has made known to us.” So they came in a hurry and found their way to Mary and Joseph, and the baby as He lay in the manger.
When they had seen this, they made known the statement which had been told them about this Child. And all who heard it wondered at the things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart.
The shepherds went back, glorifying and praising God for all that they had heard and seen, just as had been told them.
—Luke 2:1-20 (NASB)
And may God add His blessings to the reading of His holy Word.
Merry Christmas, Denizens. This season, more than any other – remember why.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 0:51
And thank you.
See you in Dallas next month?
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 23:59
It’s the homestreach for the Perfect Football Weekend™ as we enter the bowl season in college football. Utah & Navy played in the Poinsettia Bowl in San Diego last night with the Midshipmen failing by three points to do me a favor and shut up the Baby Huey Ootes, 32-35. And tonight, Florida Atlantic “No One’s Ever Heard Of Us” University laid the wood to Memphis in the New Orleans Bowl, 44-27.
But tomorrow night is what I wanna talk about. The Dallas Cowboys travel to Carolina tomorrow to (presumably) lay a whipping on the quarterback-less Panthers – although I’d be wary of the rookie they’re starting, Matt Moore. Moore was one of the final cuts in Cowboy camp, and I was hoping they’d keep him – because he seems to have a Romo-like feel for the game, and a bazooka for an arm.
The C’boys are playing tomorrow night without Roy Williams, who was suspended due to Roger Goodell having his head up his ass.
People, lemme tell you something about this “horse-collar” rule they’ve got in the NFL now. Players have been tackling by the horse collar since the days of Methuselah. Sometimes ball carriers get hurt, sometimes they don’t. Football’s a contact sport, okay? Bodies collide, bones occasionally crack from the impact. As I noted previously, the interior cut-block, which continues to blow out linemen’s knees and end careers in some cases, is still perfectly legal, and taught by all 30 NFL offensive-line coaches. So why the pissy-faced angst over the horse collar?
I’ll tell you why – The Pussydelphia Beagles, that’s why. This half-assed excuse-for-a-franchise is the biggest bunch of tutu-wearing, sniveling bastards in the NFL – yes, even more so than the San Transexual Fairy Whiners. For only after a Williams tackle wound up breaking Widdle Terri Owens’ ankle a couple years ago did the NFL come up with the rule, ostensibly known as the “Roy Williams rule”. (And why Williams hasn’t yet sued the NFL for defamation of character, I can’t fathom.)
A couple years before that, if memory serves, The World’s Greatest Ever Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever™, Donna McCrabbs, blew out his knee on a tackle. Bammo – the NFL promptly instituted a rule about tackling at the knees.
The fact is that if this were any other NFL team, nothing would have been done. If one of our receivers had broken their ankle as a result of a horse collar tackle, it wouldn’t be a rule today. But because it’s the Pussydelphia Beagles, the biggest bunch of fucking crybabies in the league, that league has to attach its lips firmly to the Beagles’ collective ass and pacify its butt-buddies. Fuck you, Widdle Woger Goodell.
We’re back Monday or Tuesday for the recap. In the meantime, a trip to Houston is on the horizon, about which I’ll tell you more next week.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 23:53
The Department of How Not To Bring Up Your Daughters hands us yet another reason why Mama Spears’ tubes should have been tied: Her other daughter is pregnant with a bastard child now.
Oh – did I mention the other daughter’s only sixteen? And is pregnant by an eighteen-year-old?
MERLIN: A subject with which you’re intimately familiar, if memory serves.
LSIK&T: Shut up, old man, or you get to be the ball in Korrioth’s calisthenics program.
[Merlin blanches and shuts his mouth - he's seen Korrioth's calisthenics program.]
But what bugs the shit outta me is not so much the news of the pregnancy itself – it’s the reaction to it.
I mean, this is a fucking (pardon the pun) illegal act – technically, it qualifies as pedophilia. But not only are they not thinking of filing charges against the punk-ass “daddy”, not only are they not condemning this mini-Britney for the out-of-wedlock, way-too-damned-early sex in the first place – they seem to be actually celebrating the damned thing.
This is what our society has come to, Denizens. Instead of ripping the bimbo for doing what she did, we’re all but applauding her. And I hate to point this out, but when the jihiadist bastards criticize us for our Westernized corruption & decadance – this is what they point to. And it shames me to say they have a point.
And if they’ve noticed, guys, you can take it to the bank that God has noticed, as well – and He’s even less amused.
Remember this when this country is humbled at some future point. We reap what we sow – and there’s a helluva bumper crop coming.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 21:12
Memo to the Cowboys: Congratulations – you just got beat by the biggest pussies in the NFL.
And yeah, you can quote me.
at Dallas 6, Pussydelphia 10
Not much to say about the game – Romo & company were off all day long, only in small part due to the Beagle defense. It’s irritating, but it happens sometimes – but, as sportscaster Dale Hansen says, “it better not happen again”.
But it’s the whining on the part of Pussydelphia which is what’s pissing me off.
Case in point #1: Early in the first quarter, Donna McCrabbs, the World’s Greatest Ever Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever™, threw a pass to former TCU tight end Matt Schobel. Schobel caught the ball, then had his head nearly separated from his shoulders by a wicked Ken Hamlin shoulder hit.
Andrea “Fat Ass” Reid and the rest of the Pussydelphia coaching staff immediately began bleating that Hamlin led with his head.
Talk now is that Hamlin will supposedly be fined. For a legal hit. All because of Pussydelphia whining.
Which leads me to the other play. With about six minutes & change left in the first quarter, Widdle Donna McCrabbs found the heat in the kitchen not to his liking and took off on a scramble. Roy Williams caught him from behind and dropped him via the back of McAsshole’s collar.
Bammo – 15-yard horse-collar penalty. Williams got called for the penalty that’s supposedly named after him (and why he doesn’t sue the fucking NFL for defamation, I’ll never know – it’s not like no one else in the NFL ever tackles by the back of the collar, y’know?>
Here’s the deal on this so-called “horse collar penalty”: The NFL ostensibly outlaws the practice out of fear of hurting its players. Yet they continue to allow the interior cut-block, where an offensive lineman can, within the confines of the box surrounding the line of scrimmage, dive for an opposing defender’s knees. An AFC team – either Tennessee or San Diego, I don’t remember which – lost a lineman to a blown-out knee two weeks ago due to this legal blocking technique.
If the NFL is so damned fucking concerned about its players, why in the Hell™ is the cut-block not outlawed?
Uh-huh. Thought so…
This week: 0-1. Overall: 57-18.
The PFW returns Friday, when I tell you exactly why we have this stupid-assed “horse-collar” rule. (Here’s a hint – it has to do with Pussydelphia – the biggest bunch of sniveling crybabies in the NFL.)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:54
Stephanie Dawn Stewart Crager – front and center.
Skip’s Christmas presents have shipped. Do yourself a favor and let him have them this year, hm?
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 20:33
As we ki…uh, launch this week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend…
LSIK&T: Shut up, Bumpy.
…we note in passing that the NCAA
Football Championship Subdivision Division 1-AA championship game gets played tonight, matching the University of Delaware vs. Appalachian (sic?) State.
State, if you’ll recall, upset the University of Michigan. Delaware’s uniforms…are the exact same design, right down to the helmet, only a few shades of blue lighter.
As I write this, State’s having far less trouble with this Wolverine-type-clad outfit – they’re up 21-0 close to halftime.
Sunday, the Dallas C’boys go for the sweep against the Phuckadelphia Beagles and The World’s Greatest Ever Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever™, Donna McBlabb.
Earlier this year, prior to the game in Phucky, McBlabb was pontificating on how the Beagles had won the NFC East five of the past six years, and how the road to that division “came through Philadelphia”.
Uh, Donna? Not no mo’ it don’t.
We’re back Monday or Tuesday for the recap. In the meantime, Delaware has just scored…and had it answered by App State. The rout is on.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 0:12
Memo to San Fran Nan Piglosi, Shrieker of the House:
No, bitch, we’re not necessarily fond of this war, as you so stupidly put it. But when you were finally forced to back your ugly ass down a bit, you were absolutely right: we did – and do – support President Bush on it.
But if there is a war to which I’m looking forward…it’d probably be the one that’s coming.
I’ll let you guess which one that might be. Here’s a hint, Cupid Stunt™: better be armed and ready.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 21:35
After last year’s Detroit debacle, this game scared the shit outta me.
And with good reason.
Dallas 28, at Detroit 27
More quarterback ghod-age from Romo – another 300-yard day, another two-minute comeback, etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseam. 15 catches for 138 for Jason Witten, which helped him either tie or set a couple of records (one NFL (tied), one franchise (set)).
But for 59 minutes and 42 seconds, it looked as if this was going to be another embarrassing Detroit victory. Jon Kitna & crew saw from the Green Bay tapes what you can do to the Dallas defense with a short passing game. The fact is that the Cowboys secondary just isn’t that good. They play too damned far off the ball, allowing a plethora of short-to-midrange stuff underneath – which is how Philly, Carolina and the Deadskins are gonna play them the next three weeks.
And if they haven’t figured it out by then, they can expect to see a heavy dose of it in the playoffs.
I mean, really. Is it too much to ask the secondary to play in a couple steps or so? Are they that afraid that Detroit’s backup receivers (one of whom had just signed that week) are gonna beat ‘em deep? Or that, if Philly sacked Kitna eight times by playing a blitzing four-man front, maybe they should ditch their own 3-4 for a week? Hmmmmmm?
This week: 1-0 – PFW achieved. (Yeah, I know it’s only a one-game week, but remember UBuffalo let me down on one of those a few weeks back. So it counts. Neener. (grin)) Overall: 57-17.
The PFW returns Friday, when I once again make fun of The Greatest Ever Quarterback Ever In the History Of Ever, Ever™, Fat Wilma’s Little Kid.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 21:15
[Scene: aboard Pegasus. The debris from the quantum filament wreckage has been cleared, and thanks to round-the-clock efforts on the part of a stellar crew, the ship looks as if it had just left the Realm™ shipyard.
Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool has inserted the last transtator control module onto his Engineering station on the bridge. Pegasus has responded with an audible hum/whirring sound (not terribly unlike how Enterprise responded to Scotty in Where No Man Has Gone Before, if you think about it), and Ozy turns to Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant, obviously pleased with himself. His Rudeness™, obviously bemused with his chief engineer's bravado, can't resist a small grin, as well.]
OZY MCCOOL: Eminence, full power has been restored.
LSIK&T: Excellent. Helm, set a course for the Badlands, warp 3. Mr. McCool, I think a field promotion to Lieutenant Commander is in order for you.
OZY MCCOOL (blushing, though quite pleased with himself despite it all): You’re too kind, m’Lord. Thank you greatly.
LSIK&T: It’s well-earned, Ozy. Now, you’ll still have to pass the LC’s test when we get home, but I doubt it’ll pose much trouble for you.
KORRIOTH: Yes, just correctly identify the porn stars and you’re in.
LSIK&T: Hush, you.
Okay, Denizens, Spatula City BBS! is up and functional once again. And, as promised – well, almost as promised – the
first second post starts with the Perfect Football Weekend™: