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Got this from a friend of mine on FB.

1. There shall always be bacon in the house. Always.

2. There isn’t a food that doesn’t go on well with bacon. Not even ice cream.

3. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who love bacon and those who do not.

4. Bacon is so tasty even pigs will eat it.

5. There is no wrong way to cook, boil or fry bacon.

6. Most of the world’s problems can be solved with more bacon. Fact.

7. Meals without bacon are simply not meals.

8. You shall consume bacon every day of the week.

9. Bacon makes everything taste better. Just add bacon.

10. Bacon will get you laid.

So that’s&#160 why I never get laid…&#160

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Got this off a friend of mine off Facebook.

A Coyote Tale…

CALIFORNIA:
===========

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS:
======

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Yeppers…

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Denizens, to at least try & start off your Monday on the right foot, I offer this from Denizen and Original Cast member Robert Mullane:

Have a good week.

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Denizens, I got this off Facebook, so I’ve not the slightest whether there’s any bit of truth thereto.

But read it anyway. Dust alert.

TOUCHING STORY:

My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family. There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said, ‘EEEE, your mom only has one eye!’

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, ‘ If you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don’t you just die?’ My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.

Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. Then one day, my Mother came to visit me. She hadn’t seen me in years and she didn’t even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, ‘How dare you come to my house and scare my children!’ GET OUT OFHERE! NOW!!!’

And to this, my mother quietly answered, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,’ and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After there union, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity. My neighbours said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

‘My dearest son,

I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I’m sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.

You see……..when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.

I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.

With all my love to you,
Your mother.’

MORAL LESSON:
Always LOVE your parents. They are a blessing to you.

NOTE:
We only have one mom, so love her, you will come to cry when she’s gone.

Well I know, Denizens. Well I know.

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Now this&#160 is Damn Fine Stuff&#153!!!

New parent?&#160 Learn it – love it – live it.

That…is an order.&#160

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Got this from Uncle Ted via FB

Now that…is greatness.&#160

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‘Nuff said, I think.

Oog.

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…if you’re not ready to hear the answer.

Oldie but a goodie.

Lawyers should never ask a Texan grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small town Texas prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Howard. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Lindquist since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

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Today, 1/23/13, is the tenth anniversary of what is one of my favorite blog posts ever – so much so that I actually saved it to file.&#160 (Good thing, too – apparently, it’s no longer on the ‘Net.)

It was written by Stephen the Doggerel Pundit, and it’s below the fold for your perusal & enjoyment.

Here’s to Joanne!

Weep with us now for poor Mary O’Leary-
O’Dell-Hammond-Hargraves-Armbruster-Bevàn,
A victim of Seventies sur-naming theory
(The hyphening one), and her daughter Joanne.

The Feminist Movement decided this notion
Was surely the tonic to raise self esteem.
Invoking progenitor names is the potion,
And surely the faultiest sur-naming scheme.

(To cite an example; they can’t get a license,
A 401k or SS supplementary,
Or make application for credit card buys since
All database fields have their limits on entry).

Now, boosting self-worth with a moniker weary?
Nay, let her be known! Let her live with élan!
Not fake self-esteem from a tag like O’Leary-
O’Dell-Hammond-Hargraves-Armbruster-Bevàn.

Of all the solutions since offered by Sages,
The best for a daughter? Mom’s name only showing,
So millions of women live down through the ages
Their whole matrilineal history knowing.

Joanne is a seeker of character flawless,
To raise up her life, stand alone, and she can;
Not caring of names, she’s engaged to young Wallace,
Smith-Hollis-Gomez y Gonzalez—oy, man.

When wedding bells ring our conventions will call us
In toasting her day with raised glasses in hand:
“Ms. Wallace Smith-Hollis-Gomez y Gonzales
O’Leary-O’—hell with it! Here’s to Joanne!!”

Still gets a chuckle out of me, even ten years later.

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Got this one from LC Gladiator over on this thread at the Rott.&#160 (And he probably got it from somewhere else, truth be told.)

‘Tis below the fold. Enjoy.

You know you live in a country, state or city run by idiots…

When smoking Pot is legal and widely accepted But smoking Tobacco is treated like a criminal offense.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for Being in the country illegally.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions Of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his Teacher “cute” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class In grade school is perfectly acceptable.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts Cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while Sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately Discipline them while children of “underprivileged” drug addicts Are left to rot in filth infested cesspools.

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You know you live in Country run by idiots if…

Working class Americans pay for their own health care (and the Health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free toHave child after child on the “State’s” dime while never being held Responsible for their own choices.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and Government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded With EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing,And free cell phones.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

The government’s plan for getting people back to work is to Provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the Constitution is really protecting the rights of the people.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

The rights of the Government come before the rights of the Individual.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their Children.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you “safe”.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if….

You have to have your parents signature to go on a school field Trip but not to get an abortion.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but aMuslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and Head searched.

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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if…

Using the “N” word is considered “hate speech” but writing and Singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered”art”.

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Yet another holiday tradition hits us here at the Realm&#153, Denizens – the annual visit by everyone’s favorite General, the fat guy who wears all the red.&#160

Usually it’s a round-robin between Supreme General Rayegun, David Hartung and myself, each of us taking turns posting it, and the other two linking thereto.&#160 However, given that (even though each of them still have their own little corner of cyberspace Rayegun’s place is still intact) we’re all in one place now, it seems fitting that I tack the bulletin to the board.&#160 Raise the flag and see who salutes, as it were.

Besides – it’s my turn, anyway.&#160 &#160 (Well, it’s actually the General’s turn, but I’ve not heard from him for a few days.&#160 Possibly he & the Generalette are hitting the Romulan Ale a bit in celebration of Texas Tech finally ridding themselves of Tommy-boy Tuberville.&#160 Who knows?&#160 &#160 )

(More to the point, neither the General nor the Vicar have volunteered to do the honors, so…)

And, wonder of wonders – this year, it’ll even be formatted properly.&#160 (Well – mostly, anyway.&#160 &#160 )

General Claus’ Visit

To: All Personnel

_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 1998. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.

_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2009. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2009.

_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.

_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1996, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.

_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1995, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.

_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 2009, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.

_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”

_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2009, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.

_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.

__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
Colonel, US
OIC, Special Services

At ease, troops.&#160

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This came from the keyboard of the lovely & gracious Mrs. M of the Rott.&#160 It’s worth your time to read it, because I said so.

It’s been a couple of days since that horrible shooting in Connecticut. As per usual, when something of this nature takes place, there are screams of outrage about what the killer chose to use to commit his horrible crime. Lets blame the guns.

When are people going to suck it up and start looking at why the shooter decided to do what he did, and what brought him to that point in the first place? Does it really matter what he used? How about we as a society start doing some soul searching as to how we are raising our children to become killers? Of course that’s not pretty or comfortable, so instead we want to blame inanimate objects for our crimes. What are we doing now, that wasn’t being done 30-40 years ago, when this sort of thing was unheard of. What are we not doing now, that was done 30-40 years ago when we didn’t have to look over our shoulders at everyone, wondering if they were planning to kill. Could it be that our “enlightened” way of being, our grand experiment of “if it feels good do it” way of life, and our total disrespect for each other and the sanctity of life is a total failure and blowing up in our faces??

We allow Hollywood and the media to bombard us with sexual images, violence and a complete disrespect for privacy and life in general. We allow the Government to dictate to us how our children should be raised and educated. When parents are faced with a behavior they don’t want to deal with, we allow the children to be placed on behavior altering (and in many cases mind altering) drugs without any thought as to the consequences. We’ve allowed our children to be exposed to some of the most horrid circumstances imaginable. We no longer blink when a 14 year old becomes pregnant. It’s just routine. We don’t think that children being born to a woman with multiple children with multiple fathers (most all of whom are completely absent from the children’s lives) is wrong. Children are being left to their own devices, forced to make it on their own, and we wonder why so many end up in gangs, on drugs, and turning violent. Even the kids who are living in “normal” homes are left to figure things out on their own. Parents think discipline is bad. They are under the impression that children will learn right from wrong on their own. They would rather hand the kids an Ipod, Ipad, a Wii, computer and a wifi connection and they don’t have to bother being parents. Just let the electronics and Youtube teach our children how to grow up. Self respect and respect for others is just old fashioned. We can’t mention the word Morals, because *gasp* that’s a “Religious” thing.

When did respect for life, respect for one’s self, respect for other people, knowing right from wrong, and obeying parents and the law become strictly a “Religious thing”??? And we wonder why kids are so screwed up?

Children are being sexualized and exploited from the moment they are born (when we even allow them to be born in the first place) and we seem to believe they are mentally and emotionally capable of handling it. We no longer want to protect our children’s innocence. That requires parents to actually be the adults and make the effort to know, see, and observe all our children are being exposed to. Parents are being led to believe that they have no responsibilities in raising their children. Let the Government, the schools and the media do that for them. Yeah Hollywood and Washington have a wonderful track record of turning out fine, upstanding, moral, responsible people right??

Children used to look up to people like Neal Armstrong and Charles Lindbergh, Jacques Cousteau, Alan Shepard, John Wayne. Those were the people our kids wanted to emulate. Now…

Well now it’s Honey Boo Boo, Kim Kardashian, Snookie, Lady Gaga, Tupac Shakur, and Jay-Z who are the “heroes”…and we think that’s progress???

So go ahead and blame guns. That will make you feel so much better than having to admit that Society itself has to bear much more of the blame.

Amen & amen.

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By popular demand…

MERLIN:&#160 Meaning, of course, that it’s what you want, even if none of the rest of us do.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Meaning, old man, that it’s what Mrs. Venomous wants, and she still has the cast-iron skillet.

MERLIN:&#160 (ulp!)

…here once again, is the recipe for “Vodka Christmas Cake”.

You will need:&#160 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1…bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.&#160 Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.&#160 Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.&#160 Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.&#160 Beat again.&#160 At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.

Try another cup just in case.&#160 Turn off the mixerer thingy.&#160 Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.&#160 Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.

Mix on the turner.&#160 If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.&#160 Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.&#160 Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the Vodka.&#160 Now $%^& shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.&#160 Add one table.&#160 Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.&#160 Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.&#160 Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.&#160 Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.&#160 Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Does it work with Romulan ale?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Yeah, but you might not get past “Take a large bowl…”

KORRIOTH:&#160 I’ll risk it.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 You would.

KORRIOTH:&#160 (grunt)

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Got this from a friend of mine over on FB.&#160 Good stuff.

Drafting Guys Over 60

(This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier… New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! )

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however… I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too… I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!

Mheh.&#160

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…like…uh…me.&#160 (grin)

Hmm.&#160 Gotta remember to stock up on wallets.&#160

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