Posted by Darth Venomous @ 8:00
…if you’re not ready to hear the answer.
Oldie but a goodie.
Lawyers should never ask a Texan grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small town Texas prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Howard. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Lindquist since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 7:00
Today, 1/23/13, is the tenth anniversary of what is one of my favorite blog posts ever – so much so that I actually saved it to file. (Good thing, too – apparently, it’s no longer on the ‘Net.)
It was written by Stephen the Doggerel Pundit, and it’s below the fold for your perusal & enjoyment.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 11:11
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 0:38
Yet another holiday tradition hits us here at the Realm, Denizens – the annual visit by everyone’s favorite General, the fat guy who wears all the red.
Usually it’s a round-robin between Supreme General Rayegun, David Hartung and myself, each of us taking turns posting it, and the other two linking thereto. However, given that (even though
each of them still have their own little corner of cyberspace Rayegun’s place is still intact) we’re all in one place now, it seems fitting that I tack the bulletin to the board. Raise the flag and see who salutes, as it were.
it’s my turn, anyway. (Well, it’s actually the General’s turn, but I’ve not heard from him for a few days. Possibly he & the Generalette are hitting the Romulan Ale a bit in celebration of Texas Tech finally ridding themselves of Tommy-boy Tuberville. Who knows? ) (More to the point, neither the General nor the Vicar have volunteered to do the honors, so…)
And, wonder of wonders – this year, it’ll even be formatted properly. (Well – mostly, anyway. )
General Claus’ Visit
To: All Personnel
_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 1998. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:
_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.
_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2009. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2009.
_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.
_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1996, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.
_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1995, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.
_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 2009, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”
_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2009, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.
_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.
__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
OIC, Special Services
At ease, troops.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 10:10
This came from the keyboard of the lovely & gracious Mrs. M of the Rott. It’s worth your time to read it, because I said so.
It’s been a couple of days since that horrible shooting in Connecticut. As per usual, when something of this nature takes place, there are screams of outrage about what the killer chose to use to commit his horrible crime. Lets blame the guns.
When are people going to suck it up and start looking at why the shooter decided to do what he did, and what brought him to that point in the first place? Does it really matter what he used? How about we as a society start doing some soul searching as to how we are raising our children to become killers? Of course that’s not pretty or comfortable, so instead we want to blame inanimate objects for our crimes. What are we doing now, that wasn’t being done 30-40 years ago, when this sort of thing was unheard of. What are we not doing now, that was done 30-40 years ago when we didn’t have to look over our shoulders at everyone, wondering if they were planning to kill. Could it be that our “enlightened” way of being, our grand experiment of “if it feels good do it” way of life, and our total disrespect for each other and the sanctity of life is a total failure and blowing up in our faces??
We allow Hollywood and the media to bombard us with sexual images, violence and a complete disrespect for privacy and life in general. We allow the Government to dictate to us how our children should be raised and educated. When parents are faced with a behavior they don’t want to deal with, we allow the children to be placed on behavior altering (and in many cases mind altering) drugs without any thought as to the consequences. We’ve allowed our children to be exposed to some of the most horrid circumstances imaginable. We no longer blink when a 14 year old becomes pregnant. It’s just routine. We don’t think that children being born to a woman with multiple children with multiple fathers (most all of whom are completely absent from the children’s lives) is wrong. Children are being left to their own devices, forced to make it on their own, and we wonder why so many end up in gangs, on drugs, and turning violent. Even the kids who are living in “normal” homes are left to figure things out on their own. Parents think discipline is bad. They are under the impression that children will learn right from wrong on their own. They would rather hand the kids an Ipod, Ipad, a Wii, computer and a wifi connection and they don’t have to bother being parents. Just let the electronics and Youtube teach our children how to grow up. Self respect and respect for others is just old fashioned. We can’t mention the word Morals, because *gasp* that’s a “Religious” thing.
When did respect for life, respect for one’s self, respect for other people, knowing right from wrong, and obeying parents and the law become strictly a “Religious thing”??? And we wonder why kids are so screwed up?
Children are being sexualized and exploited from the moment they are born (when we even allow them to be born in the first place) and we seem to believe they are mentally and emotionally capable of handling it. We no longer want to protect our children’s innocence. That requires parents to actually be the adults and make the effort to know, see, and observe all our children are being exposed to. Parents are being led to believe that they have no responsibilities in raising their children. Let the Government, the schools and the media do that for them. Yeah Hollywood and Washington have a wonderful track record of turning out fine, upstanding, moral, responsible people right??
Children used to look up to people like Neal Armstrong and Charles Lindbergh, Jacques Cousteau, Alan Shepard, John Wayne. Those were the people our kids wanted to emulate. Now…
Well now it’s Honey Boo Boo, Kim Kardashian, Snookie, Lady Gaga, Tupac Shakur, and Jay-Z who are the “heroes”…and we think that’s progress???
So go ahead and blame guns. That will make you feel so much better than having to admit that Society itself has to bear much more of the blame.
Amen & amen.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 11:15
By popular demand…
MERLIN: Meaning, of course, that it’s what you want, even if none of the rest of us do.
VENOMOUS: Meaning, old man, that it’s what Mrs. Venomous wants, and she still has the cast-iron skillet.
…here once again, is the recipe for “Vodka Christmas Cake”.
You will need: 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1…bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.
Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the Vodka. Now $%^& shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.
KORRIOTH: Does it work with Romulan ale?
VENOMOUS: Yeah, but you might not get past “Take a large bowl…”
KORRIOTH: I’ll risk it.
OZY McCOOL: You would.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 8:27
Got this from a friend of mine over on FB. Good stuff.
Drafting Guys Over 60
(This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier… New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! )
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however… I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too… I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 21:25
Hmm. Gotta remember to stock up on wallets.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 1:06
Denizens, your homework assignment to start the week is to read this. It’s a well-written work of fiction from Matt Bracken over at Western Rifle Shooters.
Or is it…?
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 18:00
Denizens, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ve no doubt become attuned to the new dance craze sweeping YouTube – “Gangnam Style”.
The Emperor has judged a competition of sorts over at the Rott.
Of course, you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen it in the original Klingon…
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 11:47
For your Sunday, Denizens – and since I know that at least some of youse guys (mheh) will be doing this this weekend – a short primer on the art of changing oil.
Below the fold, ’cause it’s kinda long – but a good read and always well worth your time, because I said so.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 8:49
Denizens, we start this week with something out of the Grab Bag, courtesy of the Sibling Unit, who just sent this to me.
Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell!!
They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “partyatmosphere” going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Well, if that doesn’t jump-start the aviation industry…
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 10:05
We start my Glorious Week of Vacation with a Grab-Bag item, courtesy of the Sibling Unit.
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 14:30
(Hat tip: Former LENSnetter Bob Blaylock.)
Posted by Darth Venomous @ 3:24
Denizens, while I’m trying to figure how I’m gonna pull my ass out of a 300-million megaton warp-core explosion (grin), why don’t you guys go have a look at how Iowahawk positively excoriated Bambi’s new girlfriend “Julia”.
Trust me, it’s that good.