Welcome to the Realm™ - Version 5.0...
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________





Story for you guys from nearly 15 years ago.

I had just proposed to Her Doublewideness not too long previous, and in preparation for the Wedding To End All Weddings™, I had moved into a nice little one-bedroom apartment in the Sleepy Little Town™ of Rockwall, TX.  (Steffi, of course, had a key.  That’s foreshadowing.  Remember it.)

At the time, I was working two jobs – an eight-to-fiver in an office, and a dispatching job on the weekends for the courier company I’d worked days for previously.

As fate would have it, my graveyard relief at the dispatching job this one Sunday night phoned in sick.  And, as fate would also have it, no replacement was available.  Ergo, I would have to work a double shift.  And also ergo (grin), I would be forced to work my eight-to-fiver on zero sleep.

Not a lot of fun.

Anyway, I phoned my then-fiancee, let her know the situation, and kindly asked her if she could come from Sulphur Springs, grab a change of clothes out of the apartment, and come to dispatch to drop them off.  (At the time, I was in a t-shirt & jeans, my apartment was thirty minutes away, and an hour to my eight-to-fiver from there.  No way could I have made it there and back – hence, the call for help to the fiancee. This is also foreshadowing. Remember it.)

Fiancee hemmed & hawed, but eventually agreed that yes, she could do this for the guy she was ultimately going to spend the rest of her life with.  This was 1430 hours.

Fast forward to 1800 hours.  I received a call from Fiancee Unit™, ostensibly apologetic, whereupon she said that she had to go to “church”, and couldn’t come down.

Long story short, I subsequently had to call my eight-to-fiver, report in “sick”, and went home after work to sleep until afternoon.  Didn’t hurt my standing there, but Mondays were a hellaciously busy day at that particular company, and it didn’t help my cause any.

Now, at the time of Doublewide Fiancee’s refusal, I figured “okay, one-off, no biggie, not a hill I want to die on”, and ignored the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Had I realized at the time that this was a Huge Honkin’ Red Flag O’ Doom™ as to her general dependability, I’d have never married the bitch.  I’d have told her the minute she failed to come through for me, “Okay, sweetie, just drop off the key next time you see me, and have a nice life”.

Should’ve taught me not to ignore the sickening feeling.  But hell – what do I know, hm?

I tell you this story, Denizens, to compare & contrast something that happened to me in San Diego last year at the mum-in-law’s funeral.  Friday was the day of the service, and we started off for the chapel not having had time for a proper breakfast.  So we grabbed a couple hot dogs each on the way.

After the funeral was the reception, whereupon there was fried chicken, pizza, mac ‘n cheese, Chinese, etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.  Particular emphasis on the ad nauseam – I posted a pic that I’m sure a couple of you saw.  (Yes, that’s exactly how I was feeling at the time.)

Get back to our lodging for the week, and I’m…well, let’s just say I’ve had better days, mkay?

So here I am in the can.  Doubled over in pain, and without going into TMI mode, Pepto’s not going to be of any help.

I’m still in my Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, and I’m overheating.  I need to get into a t-shirt & shorts pretty quickly, but I’m not in any condition to venture out from the can at that moment in time.  So I send a text to Mrs. Venomous – “Honey, I need you to get me a t-shirt & my shorts, okay?”

Five minutes go by.  Ten.  Fifteen.

I’m starting to wonder just where the hell she is, when a thought from the Lord (and He’s the only one who could have put this thought there at the time) comes, unbidden, into my head.

“Have faith in your wife”.

Not three seconds later comes a knock on the door – “Honey???”

She slides the clothing under the door, I’m in t-shirt & shorts not too long thereafter, and all turns out well; the day is officially saved.

The point of all this:  I have a pretty damned hellacious wife.  She’s got my back.

JUST LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO, STEFFI, YOU STUPID-ASSED BIMBO!

Mrs. Venomous – I love you.

_____________________________________________________





Realm™ Headquarters to Southern Command – come in, please.

Southern Command, do you copy?

_____________________________________________________





Good for her!

Read about it here.

This may not be a particularly “vicarly” thought, but if the Dubai government tries to sweep this under the carpet, this sailor’s shipmates need to have a severe “blanket party” with the bus driver. Those of you who have military service will know what I am speaking of.

_____________________________________________________





[SCENE:  Deep space.  His Rudeness, Lord Darth Venomous is on his way back from a (ahem) personal errand…]

VENOMOUS:  I don’t think I like the tone of your “voice”, Narrator.

[And just what were you doing out of pocket for so long, (sarc) my liege????? (/sarc) (As if we didn’t…gakkkkk…akkkkk)]

VENOMOUS:  Comprehension & cognizant thinking aren’t your strong suits, are they, dickweed?  (looks offstage, as the Narrator drops to the floor with a very  hollow sound)  Awright, Understudy, your turn.

[…from a personal errand, and is traveling in his personal courier, the Scorpion-class Excelsior.

A blinking console light catches the Admiral’s attention.  He opens a channel.]

VENOMOUSExcelsior, Venomous.

KORRIOTH (over speaker):  Korriorh, Admiral.  Stellar cartography update for you, sir.

VENOMOUS:  Very good, Kor, shoot it through.

[He touches a few more switches and opens a separate channel to receive the download.  After five minutes, the download completes and the software channel closes.

At that very moment, everything goes dark as Excelsior  loses power & drops out of warp.

Lord Venomous sits there, non-plussed.]

VENOMOUS:  No, Narrator, just wondering what to do when I get back.

[Get back, m'lord?]

VENOMOUS:  Whether to Force-choke the p’tahk, or use my lightsaber to cut out one of his hearts.

Ever had an Ubuntu kernel update hose your system, Denizens?

That’s three days I’ll never get back.

Sigh.

_____________________________________________________





From Bruins-Sabres last night.  This was the first sporting event since the bombs went off at the Boston Marathon the other day.

Somehow, it’s gotten a little dusty in here, y’know?

_____________________________________________________




Denizens, as you probably know by now, there were two explosions near the finish line at the Boston Marathon today.  Latest count is three dead, 30 injured.  (*UPDATE*:  Now 12 dead, 50 injured two dead, 22 injured, according to Ace.)

This came from the Facebook page of one Nikki Kristof a few minutes ago:

Most inspiring glimpse here of the Boston marathon: runners who reportedly finished the 26 miles and then ran over to Mass General Hospital to donate blood.

And the least  inspiring would have to be this bastard Kristof…blaming the explosions on Republicans.

The @nytimes is advertising its “free” coverage on mobile phones, hoping to use the tragedy to gin up marketshare; meanwhile, Nick Kristof springs into action, blaming the explosion on the GOP:

explosion is a reminder that ATF needs a director. Shame on Senate Republicans for blocking apptment articles.washingtonpost.com/2013-02-01/wor… — Nicholas Kristof (@NickKristof) April 15, 2013

Kristof, you cowardly little pussy, it’s a Damn Good Thing™ you are where you are, and that I am where I am.

Because if I were anywhere near you, you’d be getting your syphillis-infested, skanky, swishy ass handed to you on a platter RightAboutNow™.

Little doucherifles like you, Nikki, need to taken out back and put out of our  misery.  And one of these days, you’re gonna say the wrong thing to someone’s face, and he’s gonna rearrange it to where you need to take your meals through a straw.

And when that happens…I’ll stand that patriot to a beer.

Pansy-assed little chickenshit… 

(Oh, and as to the title of the post…Hey, Nikki, you little cuntmuffin – if you can do it, so can I, you asswipe.)

UPDATE the 2nd:  Well, looks like the pusstard recanted.

People jumping on me for criticizing Sen Repubs for blocking ATF appointments. ok, that was low blow. i take it back

And that’s it.  No apology, no mea culpa.  Just “i take it back”.

What was it they said about toothpaste?

_____________________________________________________





Not far from Realm™ Headquarters, at Texas Motor Speedway in FNFW (Far North Fort Worth), they just completed a night-day NASCAR double-header, capped off by the NRA 500.  Kyle Busch took both ends of the twin-bill.

Now comes word that NASCAR is about to commit financial suicide.

NASCAR plans to become more involved in race-sponsorship decisions by speedways in light of the continuing controversy surrounding the National Rifle Association’s sponsorship of the Sprint Cup race Saturday at Texas Motor Speedway.

“The NRA’s sponsorship of the event at Texas Motor Speedway fit within existing parameters that NASCAR affords tracks in securing partnerships,” said NASCAR spokesman David Higdon. “However, this situation has made it clear that we need to take a closer look at our approval process moving forward, as current circumstances need to be factored in when making decisions.”

The “situation”?  The “current circumstances”?  Why, the whining, kvetching & sniveling du jour  from the Lame-assed Limp-wristed Leftards™, of course!

In some respects, this weekend at TMS has become more about politics than racing for the NRA 500, as the sponsorship coincides with the current national gun control debate to become the prevailing storyline.

Democratic Sen. Chris Murphy of Connecticut wrote to News Corp. chief Rupert Murdoch asking the Fox network not broadcast Saturday night’s race because of the NRA sponsorship.

“Eez a vaddy nize tellyvizhan netvork you have zere, Meezter Ayyyyllllllzzzzz. A zhame, no, eef somfzink vere to happen  to eeet…?”

Sources confirmed Friday that two drivers were advised by their public relations directors not to do interviews in the TMS media center so they could avoid having the NRA logo behind them.

Y’know, Denizens, I think now would be a damned good time to remind NASCAR that a goodly portion of their fan base…um, how to put this diplomatically?…happen to also be NRA members.

And if you backhand them, NASCAR, by backhanding the NRA…well, it’s been said that you’re doing this because of “backlash”?

Trust me, dumbasses:  You haven’t seen  “backlash” yet.

Tell 98% of your fan base to go fuck themselves…wow.  Just.  Wow.

I wanna be a fly on the wall for that.

_____________________________________________________





Fuck the law.

Fuck Roe v. Wade.

Fuck 7-2

In fact, fuck those seven bastards who voted for abortion baby-butchering on demand.

Fuck NARAL.  (Fuck NOW, for that matter.)

Fuck every last feminist who defends this barbaric practice.  From Betty Friedan & Kate Michelman all the fucking way down to Gloria Steinem & Andrea Marcotte.

To Hell – literally – with every fucking last one of them.

This son-of-a-crack-whore-bitch is deserving of the most painful, agonizing death imaginable.

Period.  End.  Stop.

And don’t get me started on the @#$%(!!! media – you know, the one that won’t cover any of it?

Infant beheadings. Severed baby feet in jars. A child screaming after it was delivered alive during an abortion procedure. Haven’t heard about these sickening accusations?

It’s not your fault. Since the murder trial of Pennsylvania abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell began March 18, there has been precious little coverage of the case that should be on every news show and front page.

But it isn’t.  And we know why, don’t we?

Fuck ‘em.  Fuck ‘em all.  With a rusty, steel-wire-wrapped, razor-embedded baseball bat.  For starters.

God’s judgement can’t come soon enough on this country, if you ask me. 

_____________________________________________________





The Realm™ is in mourning today as we learn of the passing of the Iron Lady.  Former United Kingdom Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is dead at the age of 87.

She was a trailblazer who at first believed trailblazing impossible: Thatcher told the Liverpool Daily Post in 1974 that she did not think a woman would serve as party leader or prime minister during her lifetime.

But once in power, she never showed an ounce of doubt.

Thatcher could be intimidating to those working for her:

British diplomats sighed with relief on her first official visit to Washington D.C. as prime minister to find that she was relaxed enough to enjoy a glass of whiskey and a half-glass of wine during an embassy lunch, according to official documents.

Like her close friend and political ally Ronald Reagan, Thatcher seemed motivated by an unshakable belief that free markets would build a better country than reliance on a strong, central government. Another thing she shared with the American president: a tendency to reduce problems to their basics, choose a path, and follow it to the end, no matter what the opposition.

She formed a deep attachment to the man she called “Ronnie” — some spoke of it as a schoolgirl crush. Still, she would not back down when she disagreed with him on important matters, even though the United States was the richer and vastly stronger partner in the so-called “special relationship.”

You had a special relationship with the American people too, Maggie.  We miss you terribly already.

Godspeed, Lady Thatcher.

_____________________________________________________




The outrageous thing about this bitch is that she’s still wasting our oxygen.

Narrating a new MSNBC “Lean Forward” spot, the Tulane professor laments that we in America “haven’t had a very collective notion that these are our children.” “[W]e have to break through our kind of private idea that kids belong to their parents or kids belong to their families, and recognize that kids belong to their communities,” Harris-Perry argued.

Get near my  boy, you cowardly cunt, and – parental rights or not – it’ll be the last  thing you ever do.

Children belong to the parents – not you, the “community” or  the State.  And as much as I dislike Her Doublewide Bitchiness, I’d still trust her with my son more than I would you.

So don’t even think  it, bitch.  Unless you have a death wish.

_____________________________________________________





Is it actually possible I am getting old? I spoke to a young lady just a short while ago who had never heard of a party line. Wow! My guess is that she is young enough that she cannot remember a time without cell phones.

_____________________________________________________





Ever notice that the heterophobic assholes who are doing their damndest to shove homosexual marriage down our throats…were (and are) the same bigoted anti-Christian bastards who squeam about us attempting to “impose our morals” on everyone else?

(Yeah, I know it’s stating the obvious.  I’m just sayin’.)

_____________________________________________________





Suppose North Korea develops a full blown case of cranial rectal insertion, and launches an attack against the South. What would be the proper course of action for the USA to take? This assumes of course, that our own leadership is competent.

_____________________________________________________





 

Easter Sunday Sermon, 31 March 2013

By Rev. David Hartung

Isaiah 65:17-25

 

Grace Mercy and Peace be unto you, from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

HE IS RISEN!

Here we are, on the Sunday of the Resurrection, celebrating once again our Lord’s victory over sin and death; what a wonderful day! The tomb is empty, our Lord has risen, our sins forgiven and eternal life accomplished. What a totally glorious day! But is that all there is? Is this day only about the salvation won for creation by Jesus’ death and resurrection?

In a word, yes. The events we have been remembering these past few days, along with the event of today, all happened for just one reason. Jesus allowed himself to be falsely accused and unjustly executed so that you and I would receive the gift of forgiveness, so that our sins, and the sins of the entire world would be wiped out.

What makes this so amazing is that this is something which God ha planned since Mankind was turned out of the garden, and we see this in today’s Old Testament lesson.

Normally when we speak of the Old Testament, one thing we point out is that it points us forward to the cross. Today’s lesson is just a little different. Yes it does point us to the cross, but it also points us beyond the cross to the results of the cross. Is that as clear as mud?

Let me see if I can make this a little clearer. Think back to what we learned about humanity in the first three chapters of Genesis. There Moses give us an account of creation, and tells us just how God spoke this entire marvelous universe into creation. We are told how Man was created and placed into the home God had created for him. Thus far everything was hunky dory. Adam and Eve were given dominion over the earth and the things in it, they never wanted for any of the things we toil and labor to get. There was always enough food, never a lack of water. They didn’t have to worry about anything.

Anything that is except one thing.

The only restriction, the one and only thing that God forbid man to do, was to eat of the fruit of the tree in the center of the garden. This tree was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The only rule given to man in creation, and we managed to break it. When we did that, our carefree, easy, idyllic way of life ended. When mankind disobeyed God and ate of the fruit, our face to face, one one personal relationship with our Creator ended. In short, that one act of disobedience changed all of creation.

Before the fall, all life lived together in harmony, after the fall there was the hunter and the hunted. Before the fall there was no such thing as famine, everyone and everything had plenty to eat. To be honest, I seriously doubt that any of us today can come close to accurately describing the world as it was before the fall; it is that far beyond our comprehension. Despite this wonderful life, despite the fact that there was truly only one rule given by God, we managed to break that one rule.

I don’t have to describe for you what creation is like now, we all live it. Even those of us who have lived lives of incredible blessing can not begin to understand what life was like before the fall.

It is this life that Isaiah is trying to describe in his words. In today’s lesson, Isaiah is trying to paint a word picture of what live is going to be like once the promised Messiah has done his work. In this sense, Isaiah is not just pointing the people forward to the cross, but he is actually pointing past the cross to the time when God will once again bring back the garden, and when all of us will live with him eternally. This text is an amazing description, but I have news for all of us here this morning. As good a job as Isaiah has done, he still is not reflecting the true glory of what our life will be like. Because we still deal daily with sin, we still are incapable of comprehending the life to come.

Yes today is a day of celebration, but at some point we all ask the question: “What happens next?”

The resurrection was two thousand years ago, when will we enter the end times and when will Jesus come back to claim his church, and begin his kingdom? When will the Kingdom of God begin?

What happens next is Simple. You and I live the lives to which we are called as God’s children, working in the vocations we have been given. Yes, life as God’s children really is that simple. We serve God and we advance the Gospel by living and working in our vocations. Just as God has always done, when he deems the time to be right, he will return. This time he will not return as a babe in a manger, but he will return in glory, proclaiming his kingdom and calling his people to him. Just as with his earthly incarnation as the Son, we are not given to know when that will be. What we do have is his word which tells us that he will return. That is truly all we need.

One of the things we see around us is people trying to figure out when the end times will come. These well meaning folks will scour God’s word looking for clues to figure out when Christ will return. Every generation has done this for most of the last two thousand years. As understandable as this is, there are two problems with such study.

First, Jesus himself has told us (Matthew 25:13) that we will not know when he will return. If none other than the Son of God has told his children that we will know know, why should we waste time trying to figure it out? Yes it is human nature to do these things, but might I suggest that our time is better spent living as his children? Is that not the best possible preparation for Christ’s return? This seems simple, and when pointed out, most folks have no problem understanding it. There is something else that is much more challenging to understand.

You see, we are already living in the end times. Yes, we are now living in those times spoken of by John in the Revelation. Those “end times” began on Good Friday when Jesus allowed himself to be nailed to the cross. They will continue until the day that our Lord returns, and as Jesus has told us, we will not know when that will be. Once again, for this reason we live as if his return is immanent.

Isaiah has given us a picture of the world to come. As his children we already have a home in that world, and we already live in his kingdom. That is our great blessing. Even here on Earth, even though we still inhabit our sinful bodies and daily fight the battle against evil, we are a part of God’s kingdom. Through the events we commemorate and celebrate this weekend, we do have full assurance that we are God’s forgiven, redeemed children. We can be sure that we now live in his kingdom, and when he calls us out of this world, we will simply transfer our membership from the Church Militant, to the Church Triumphant!

HE IS RISEN!

May the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Amen.

 

_____________________________________________________




This.

This  is why I fucking follow football.

The best Triple-A team in the major leagues just handed an 8-2 crushing to a franchise that was supposed  to maybe – just maybe! – contend for the World Series this year.

You would think  that, after last year’s pathetic-assed chokejob, general manager/El Grande Presidente  Jon Daniels, boy wunderkind, would get up off his ass and actually, y’know improve the ballclub.

Aw, but hell no!  This supposed genius  did nothing but lose several front line players (granted one of them was Josh “Quitter” Hamilton, but still), sign two aging, probably-done veterans, and do exactly fuckin’ dick  in upgrading the pitching staff.

And then little Ronnie Warshington (yeah, I called him Warshington – don’t like it, come tell me to my face, pussies) ONCE AGAIN  shows his ass in trying to, y’know, manage  the fucking thing.

It’s a damned good thing there was an NCIS marathon going opposite on USA, else this rant would be a lot  more vitrolic.

The only other good thing about this is that I can at least ignore competition sports for the next five months or so, until football comes back.

Fucking bastard-assed excuse-for-a-baseball-franchise… 

_____________________________________________________

    
_______________
 
 
Glossary -  Disclaimer - Privacy Policy - History - The SpatulaFAQ
This blog is best viewed with your eyes. 
It helps, though, if you have Microsoft Internet Explorer  set about 1024x768 1280x1024 with your Favorites window activated on the left deactivated.  (At least until I can get a better handle on how WordPress works.)

(KORRIOTH:  Oh, great.  More wormholes.)

Mozilla Firefox doesn't do too badly, either; in fact, it's His Rudeness' browser of choice.
You can  use Nutscrape,  if you so desire - but why in blazes would you want to use a browser from a company that had to hide behind Janet El Reño's skirt to be successful?

And don't even  get me started on Opera or Chrome.  I'm not about  to trust any browser that won't let me change its color scheme.
Spatula City BBS! was based on WordPress platform 2.6 (it's 3.05 3.31 now), RSS tech , RSS comments design by Gx3.