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So I’m skimming Yahoo! late Saturday night, and I come across this blurb where Esquire magazine named Scarlett Johansson the “Sexiest Woman Alive”.

And I’m, like, “you can’t fucking be serious“.

Listen up, Esquire.  Scarlett’s pretty, no doubt – and make no mistake, I  certainly wouldn’t throw her out of bed.

But for my  money, the absolute sexiest woman alive, bar nobody,  is a woman named Lyzette Bianco.  Beautiful Latina, everything in just the right places, in just the right proportion (well, she might could stand a skosh more up top, but she’s still  devastating).  In short, the absolute most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, period.

And you can quote me.

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Been a little bit busy the last couple of days, Denizens, and will be again today, so here’s something from the Grab-Bag™:  Ageless sayings that are meaningless.

Enjoy.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world. But it’s OK… they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “GUESS” on it. I said, “Implants?”
I don’t do drugs any more ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Sign in Chinese pet store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected. (Appropos, considering that the GOP may lose Congress this year.  -S.)
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Marriage changes passion… suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words:  “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave a footprint on your heart.

Then there’s the woman that steps too hard and squishes it…but let’s not go there, shall we?

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It just gets curiouser & curiouser at Valley Ranch.

Last night, 911 Services received a call from Widdle Terri Owens’ publicist, stating that Bambi was “not in his normal responsive state”.  This morning, WFAA/Channel 8, KTCK 1310AM and the Dullest Moaning Snooze all reported that the Cowboys’ resident prick had tried to off himself – a story which would seem to have been borne out by this police report (note:  you’ll need Adobe reader to see it).

Today, Bambi denied the whole thing.

“There was no suicide attempt,” Owens said during a packed news conference at the Cowboys’ Valley Ranch headquarters.

Asked why he told Dallas police that he had tried to harm himself, Owens said, “At this point, I really wasn’t as coherent as they probably thought I was. There was a number of people asking me a lot of questions.”

What.  The.  Fuck.  Ever.

On to the PFW.  Thursday night, the 17th-ranked TCU Horned Frogs are at home to play the Brigham Young Cougars.  Gotta tell you, this game scares me.  Give me the Frogs and seven wives…uh, points.

Also tomorrow night, my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are “home”, so to speak, against Kennedale.  Kennedale’s 2-3, but they beat Azle, so…

It’ll depend (as it likely will the rest of this season) on how Donnell Dickerson plays.  As he goes, so go the Jackets, apparently.

Saturday afternoon, Sylvester Croom and his Mississipi State Bulldogs visit Baton Rouge for their annual whipping at the hands of the ninth-ranked LSU Tigers.  MSU ain’t Tulane, but they ain’t Auburn, either.  Vegas has ‘em at +33, but I’ll be charitable and give you 38. (grin)

Sunday afternoon, the Dallas Cow-Interventionists (???) travel to Tennessee to take on the Titans.  This should be a Cowboys win, even if Jeff Fisher caves in and plays Vinnie Young – and even if Parcells doesn’t and leaves Widdle Terri at home with his shrink.

Which would suit me just fine – I’d love to see the Cowboys give Vinnie his “Welcome to the NFL, rookie” initiation.

OU and Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls are off this week.  Probably couldn’t come soon enough for Mr. Gill, given that Bataan Death March schedule he’s been forced to go through to this point.

We’re back Monday or so with the recap.  In the meantime, let the trash-talking commence.  (LC John Wardle, how’s it feel for the ‘Skins finally being able to beat a Texas any team? )

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Your assignment for today, Denizens, is to go read this gem from the SpatulaGoddess.

Go.  Shoo.

Thatisall™.

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First things first:  The Realm™ wishes Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ quarterback Phil Simms a most speedy recovery after suffering a ruptured spleen during the Bucs’ game against the Carolina Panthers.

Now.  Half a loaf is better than none, or so the saying goes.

at #16 Oklahoma 59, Middle Tennessee State 0
at #9 LSU 49, Tulane 7
UBuffalo 7, at #2 Auburn 38

Auburn used backups most of the game, and still cruised easily (they’re calling  it a late surge to win the game, but really, now), having basically won the game in the first half.  But Turner Gill’s team covered the spread (Vegas.com had it at 42), so it counts as a W.

Turner’s just lucky he didn’t have to play LSU this week.  As Tigers coach Les Miles said, “It was the wrong week to play us”.

No kidding.

JaMarcus Russell was 17 of 23 for 198, and wideout Early Doucet had 4 grabs for 36 yards and 2 touchdowns in the rout.  Tailback Charles Scott also had 2 touchdowns to go with 101 yards rushing.

No video replay necessary this time.  OU made damn sure of that.

MTS basically beat itself with four first-half turnovers, leading to three Sooner touchdowns.  Peterson had 128 yards and three TDs on 27 carries, and Paul Thompson was 13 of 18 for 257 yards and three touchdowns himself.

This week:  3-0.  Overall:  15-5

The PFW returns Wednesday night.  TCU plays an Afternoon Rush Hour Crunch Time special Thursday, and it’s anyone’s guess whether I’m there in time to see the kickoff.

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The Department of Methinks He Doth Protesteth Too Much hands us this wire from the Republic of Bullshitville, which you can find on the map as anywhere Kaiser Wilhelm von Slickmeister happens to be at the moment.

Former President Bill Clinton, angrily defending his efforts to capture Osama bin Laden, accused the Bush administration of doing far less to stop the al-Qaida leader before the September 11 attacks.

In a heated interview to be aired on Sunday on “Fox News Sunday,” the former Democratic president defended the steps he took after al-Qaida’s attack on the USS Cole in 2000 and faulted “right-wingers” for their criticism of his efforts to capture Osama bin Laden.

Guilty as charged.  You’re damned right I’m gonna criticize your pathetic, half-assed, frat-boy excuse-for-a-Presidency, Slick-boy.  And what the fuck do you think you’re gonna do about it, asswipe?

I mean, to quote that bitch of a wife of yours,

and we have a right to debate and disagree with any administration

So sit on it and rotate, Captain El-Camino-Astroturf-Man.

More »

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Sorry, guys.  Been a little busy the last couple of days.

Wish I could have a weekend like three of my Perfect Football Weekend™ teams.  All my local boys – Arlington Heights, TCU and the Cowboys – have somehow conspired to deny me half a PFW. (grumble grumble grouse)

The three that remain are gimmes – two for me, one heavily against me.

Saturday, the Oklahoma Sooners take out their Oregon frustrations on Middle Tennessee State at Memorial Stadium.  MTS will be without standout defensive lineman Ed “Too Tall” Jones – that’s a joke, for those of you younger than 30 – so I’ll take OU and you can have 30.

Also Saturday, LSU takes out its own frustrations with Auburn out on Tulane at the swamp.  Vegas has Tulane plus 36; I’m gonna be charitable and give you 45.

And those point spreads don’t really come close to the third game in the PFW this weekend.

For, y’see, Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls have drawn the unenviable assignment of going down to Alabama and being the sacrificial lamb to the second-ranked Auburn Tigers.

Turner used to be on the distributing end of these beatdowns when he quarterbacked the Nebraska Cornhuskers against the likes of Troy State or Louisiana Tech.  Unfortunately, he’s about to be painfully reminded of his days as a basketball player for the Arlington Heights varsity when we were just that pitiful.

Chin up, my old friend.  You’ll get to distribute a few of these beatdowns yourself someday.

We’re back Sunday for the recap.  In the meantime, I’ll be in East Texas this weekend – no, Your Doublewideness, I’m not coming for your  skanky ass – and may be a bit incommunicado.  I’ll let you know.

I will now entertain suggestions from the Peanut Gallery™ as to what the Hell™ Brett Favre was thinking when he came back this year (that’s your cue, Humble DevilDog)…

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Memo to Gary Patterson:  All is forgiven.

at Arlington Heights 57, Paschal 7
UBuffalo 13, at Northern Illinois 31
LSU 3, at Auburn 7
Oklahoma 33, at Oregon 34
at TCU 12, Texas Tech 3
at Dallas 27, Washington 10

Can’t tell you anything about the UBuffalo game except the final score.  Which was a loss for Turner Gill’s team, as I expected.  They covered the spread, though, so we’ll consider it a victory of sorts.

More »

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Memo to The Six Or Seven Of You Who Still Read Me™:

The PFW recap will be delayed until tomorrow afternoon or so.  The Sibling Unit™ and I are off to see some preseason hockey (the Dallas Stars host the Atlanta Thrashers this evening).

Y’all pull Pittsburgh through to a major beatdown of the Jags for me.

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Lest Her Doublewideness think I’d forgotten, today is her 37th birthday – yet another to which yours truly thinks she’s not entitled, given what she did and continues to do.

In other news, yet another pro-abort, pro-homosexual, anti-family, anti-life, acid-tongued Demoscum has died – and that’s all I’ll say about that.

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You can dress it up, but it still looks and smells like a pig.

“At this time I wish also to add that I am deeply sorry for the reactions in some countries to a few passages of my address at the University of Regensburg

Bennie, ol’ boy, perhaps you could tell us Great Unwashed (a little Blackie Sherrod lingo, there) just exactly why  you’re sorry for any aspect whatsoever of what you said?  The text or  the reaction?

which were considered offensive to the sensibility of Muslims,” the pope said Sunday.

Well, there’s  an oxymoron.

Bennie, ol’ chap – I think you wanted the word sensitivities.

Mooselimbs don’t have  sensibilities.  If they did, they never would have fucked with America in the first place.

Suggest you find yourself a new wordsmith, mkay?

And don’t worry about offending the ragheads’ so-called “sensitivities”.  Hell – even the sodomite community isn’t that  sensitive.

Just sayin’, is all.

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ESPN is calling college games this weekend “Separation Saturday”.  As fate would have it, a lot of nationally-ranked teams are facing each other this weekend, and…well…it’s “separate the men from the boys” time – hence, “Separation Saturday”.

In the Realm™, it’s more of a “Rivalry Saturday”.  Three old rivalries heat up again, and I’m gonna try and make it to two of ‘em.

Tonight, my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets take on their longtime arch-nemesis, the Paschal Panthers.  Back in the day, Heights & Paschal positively hated  each other.  In fact, it’s been nearly 30 years since the son of a former Tarrant County commissioner (and a former Paschal student) appropriated a bulldozer and blew a hole in the Heights field house.  (Heights would later blow a hole through the Panther football team, which kinda made up for it.)

Anyway, if Heights is going to get a move-on, it has to start here.  Paschal hasn’t been good for several years; they went 2-8 last year.  If Heights doesn’t win this game, there’s a better-than-zero chance it’ll pull an 0-fer.  Nevertheless, I’m taking Heights and giving you 10.

Saturday, Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls travel to Northern Illinois to take on the Huskies.  NIU’s not too long removed with a massive flirtation with the top 25, so I want the Buffs and…say…30.

(Vegas, FWIW, has ‘em at +23.)

Also Saturday, sixth-ranked LSU travels to Alabama to take on third-ranked Auburn.  I hate games like this, because I like both schools – you almost wish for a tie.  Auburn is a three-point favorite, which is the value of home field, so it’s basically a pick ‘em.  Give me LSU, straight up, just because of Bo Pelini’s suffocating defense.

The 15th-ranked Oklahoma Sooners travel to Eugene Saturday to take on the 18th-ranked Oregon Ducks and the World’s Ugliest College Football Uniforms™.  If Oregon wears those butt-ugly yellow unis, give me Oklahoma and about 50 pair of UV 5000 sun shades.

All for me.

22nd-ranked Texas Tech comes into Fort Worth on Saturday to take on 20th-ranked TCU.  The Horned Frogs are looking to avenge 35-70 from two years ago in Lubbock.

Two things work in the Tadpoles’ favor:  1) Tech isn’t the world’s greatest road team, and 2) UTEP shredded their secondary last week.

Tech, on the other hand…well…is Tech.  And Vegas has ‘em at -2, so I want TCU and 28.

Sunday evening, the Dallas Cowgirls have their home opener versus the hated Washington Foreskins Redskins.  The experts keep saying Dallas is going to kick ass, but they said that last  year, and Washington swept ‘em.  I’ll take Dallas and 17 if Bledsoe plays the whole game, but I’ll give you all of that back, plus 14, if Romo plays.

Should be a fun weekend.  We’re back Monday with the recap.

Therefore, let the tailgating/smack talk begin!

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The next-to-last nail in Air Scaremerica’s coffin is about 7/8ths in.

Financially strapped Air America Radio acknowledged Thursday, after star commentator Al Franken said publicly that his paycheck had stopped coming, that it had suffered a small number of layoffs but insisted there were no plans for the liberal talk show network to declare bankruptcy.

That is to say, if the financial cavalry comes over that hill up yonder – but there seems to be a disturbing dearth of hoofbeats on the horizon…

AAR is defiant to the end, however.

“If Air America had filed for bankruptcy every time someone rumored it to be doing so, we would have ceased to exist long ago,” said network spokeswoman Jaime Horn in a statement.

Actually, Jaime honey, Air Scaremerica “ceased to exist” pretty much a long time ago.  It hasn’t been relavant in…in…lessee, how long’s it been around?

“It may be frustrating to some that it hasn’t happened.”

Frustrating?  Hell,  no.  I’m having a blast just watching you libtards twist in the wind!  Keep up the great work!!! 

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Candidate Number two from the Better Late Than Never™ department comes from a contributor – and I’m being nice, here – to this thread.

Writes “ashlie”:

did the city of orlando have a earthquake just like 2 days ago i seen it on the news and didnt belive it at first if there was a earthquake in orlando then why didnt port orange feel the shaking was it a misunderstanding was it a political disaster is the world ending now ? omg it is help!!!!!

I’ll give a Spatula City BBS! t-shirt to the first one who can translate that into something resembling a cogent thought.

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Have no idea why, but every so often I’ll get a stray comment come in on a thread that’s weeks old, if not months.

Invariably, it turns out to have been written by a moonbat.  (The Eddie Guerrero thread was the exception thereto.  I received comments for months on end about him, by fans who genuinely mourned his passing and missed him terribly.)

Two I’ve received recently are no exception.  The first one was placed in the Rita Cosby thread, but actually referenced this post.  Though the commenter will get partial credit for a little more cordiality than previous ones on the thread, she gets flagged for delay of game (with the appropriate five-yard penalty).

So let’s see what she had to say, shall we?

More »

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