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Damn, who knew that Widdle Billie Maher was such a nadless, dickless, cowardly little POS chickenshit pussy?

Oh.&#160 Wait.&#160 That’s right.

Everybody knows that.

UPDATE:&#160 And Bambi’s response to Clint’s speech last night?

Not for long, it ain’t.

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VENOMOUS:&#160 Okay, guys, we gotta hurry here.

KORRIOTH:&#160 All hands on deck!

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Jeez, lookit the time!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Awright, ready everyone?

CREW:&#160 Aye, sir!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Okay, here we go…

The first official Perfect Football Weekend&#153 of the season kicks off…

ALL (including VENOMOUS) (staccato):&#160 CORNY!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Thank you, all.

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Paging the Vicar, please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone.

Vicar, please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone.

Folks sorry about the interruption, but can we all stop for a moment and say a prayer for all the people on the Gulf Coast that have been or will be in the path of Isaac and/or the accompanying rain. By now I’m sure you’ve seen the beating that this Category 1 storm (which is now seemingly parked over central Louisiana as a tropical storm) that first Florida and now Alabama, Mississippi as well as Louisiana are being handed. Not to mention say one as well for the emergency responders, other aid workers, and friends/neighbors/relatives who are en route or already on the ground assisting those affected.

We here in the Southern Command are sure that once again the most charitable nation and people in the entire world will do whatever is necessary to lend a hand to those in need. Without the gubmint telling us to, or moving a finger to do the same themselves.

Thank you and ThatIsAll&#153.

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Good thing Jeff Fisher wanted to look at his onside-kick unit, huh?

at Dallas 20, St. Louis 19

UPDATE:&#160 Guess I should&#160 explain the reference, huh?

St. Louis (for those of you who didn’t watch) scored its last touchdown (and 18th point) with about three minutes or so left to go in the game.&#160 But instead of going for two (and very likely getting it, considering the incompetence of the Dallas third-and-fourth-stringers), coach Jeff Fisher decided to kick the point and go for the onside.

Only reason he could’ve done that was so that he could get a look at his onside unit in a game situation.

First unit looked great – which, the opponent be damned, is the first time anyone’s been able to say that in a while.&#160 Dwayne Harris caught two TDs, the second on a great effort, combined with some very poor Ram tackling.&#160 Cole Beasley made several outstanding catches, and even Kevin Ogletree caught most everything thrown at him (though he did have one discouraging third-down drop on their first drive).

The first-unit defense managed to sack Sam Bradford twice, and still hasn’t allowed a touchdown this preseason.

Of course, the depth on this team still sucks, and if I were Jerruh, I’d be scanning waiver wires for cheap pickups.

The PFW will return Wednesday, due to the ‘Boyz last preseason game being then.&#160 However, they start counting now, ’cause hah skrewls (a little Rush lingo, there) and colleged kick it into gear, so be ready to talketh the smacketh about your guys.

See you then.

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Denizens, today is a rather unhappy anniversary for me.

Five years ago – August 25, 2007 – La Reina Espátula&#160 took all her stuff (packed in about 25 boxes or so), her little rebellious twat of a daughter…

(You remember the one, right?&#160 Busted for shoplifting, tested positive for dope, claimed she was pregnant by a regular snot-nosed douchebag?&#160 The one whom, at 19, was three years her senior at 16?&#160 Thus making it statutory rape?&#160 Yeah, that one.)

Anywayz, she packed it all up in her little Ford Ranger and high-tailed it back to Plano (we lived in N. Dallas at the time).

What I’ve never told anyone…is that this cost me more than just a marriage and a chance to raise a daughter.

At the time, we had been searching for a house, and had made an offer on a nice little 5-bedroom cottage in Irving.&#160 (Five bedrooms is sort of a misnomer – the previous owners had taken part of their attic and part of their walk-in master bedroom closet and carved out three baby bedrooms out of it all, making it five.)&#160 We had offered $110 large for it (for those of you in Mykki Chickenshit’s Church of the SubTarded, that’s $110,000); the owners wanted $120K.

On the day La Reina Espátula&#160 packed her shit & left, I received a call from our broker.&#160 The owners had accepted our price.&#160 We had the house.

Except for She Whose Daughter Was Too Delicate To Be Disciplined&#153, we didn’t.

(Oh, incidentally, Denizens – she did all this while I was away working an allnighter on a project that evening, so I wasn’t even there to try & talk her out of it.&#160 Ironically enough, this all went down on a Saturday, just like this one.)

I’ve always wondered what would have happened had La Reina&#160 had the intestinal fortitude to tough it out one more day.&#160 Something I’ll never know, huh?

OTOH, had she stayed, I never would have met Mrs. Venomous, so there’s that.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 And it had better be&#160 that too, cap&#237ce?

VENOMOUS:&#160 (sigh) Yes, dear.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 KA-BONNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Ow.

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As the last unofficial Perfect Football Weekend&#153 begins (meaning they count f’reals next week), we find that the career of Widdle Terri Owens is nearing its inevitable end.

Eric D. Williams of the Tacoma News Tribune takes a closer look at players fighting for playing time and/or roster spots in Seattle. Williams on Terrell Owens: “He has a lot to overcome. And the fact that he finished without a catch and a bad drop against Denver is just scratching the surface. He still appears to be the same T.O. who complains when things are not going his way. And Pete Carroll will not put up with that from a fifth or six receiver — see T.J. Houshmandzadeh.”

And Proverbs 16:18 rings true once again.

As for the actual football, the Cowgirlz are at home Saturday night against Oklahoma U’s own Sam Bradford and the St. Louis Rams.

This is supposed to be the so-called “dress rehersal”, meaning the starters play at least the first half, if not three quarters.&#160 Given those parameters, St. Louis’ chances vs. the ‘Girlz are somewhat better than Todd Akin’s chances to become the next US Senator from Mizzou.

We’re back Monday or so with the recap.&#160 Sooner, if I feel like ranting.

In the meantime…still waiting to hear from you, HDD

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Weep with us now for poor Augusta National.

The PCP (Politically Correct Pussy) Brigade finally got them to cave in:

The home of the Masters now has green jackets for women.

In a historic change at one of the world’s most exclusive golf clubs, Augusta National invited former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and South Carolina financier Darla Moore to become the first female members since the club was founded in 1932.

“This is a joyous occasion,” chairman Billy Payne said Monday.

For a pussy-whipped beta-male like you maybe, Billie.&#160 For those of us who love tradition and don’t feel the need to have female companionship foisted on us 24/7/365, not so much.

For some, it was a long time coming.

Martha Burk and her women’s advocacy group first challenged the club 10 years ago over its all-male membership.

And I think that’s what pisses me off most about this – the vision of that ugly-assed fat pig Burk finally doing her little happy dance.&#160 About as revolting as Roseanne Barr doing the National-Anthem-Crotch-Grab.

The debate returned this year when IBM, one of the top corporate sponsors of the Masters, appointed Virginia Rometty as its chief executive. The previous four CEOs of Big Blue had all been Augusta National members.

Yet another reason not to want anything to do with IBM.

And quite frankly, I don’t give two royal shits that the first one was Condi Rice.&#160 She was a wonderful Secretary of State for this country.&#160 But my estimation of her just went down a notch or two.&#160 Thank Cthulhu Mittens didn’t pick her as his running mate now.

As for Augusta – not that I’d ever get a sniff of membership there, but they couldn’t pay me to be a member now.

I don’t care to give my money to the pussy-whipped.

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Denizens, I’m not sure what to make of the Akin brouhaha.

Yeah, what the guy said was dumb.&#160 Incredibly so, in fact.&#160 Now, I understand the line of reasoning – you tell me who among us, sans&#160 the necessary training, performs well under extreme pressure.&#160 (And I don’t give a shit if the study he’s quoting was&#160 commissioned by the Nazis – if they proved it, they proved it.)

Nor am I saying the “science”, if you will, is 100% guaranteed to work all the time.&#160 30,000 rape pregnancies per year (at least, that’s the number I remember reading) puts the lie to that.

I do concede that the way&#160 he said it was very, very stupid.

But what irritates me is the way that all the conservative high muckety-mucks in our society – from the Mizzou political bigwigs, to Malicious Malkin, to Hannity, to Krauthammer, to – yes, even Limbaugh – are throwing this guy under the bus.&#160 Despite the man’s obviously conservative voting record in Congress, he’s now a fucking GOP pariah.

It’s the one advantage the Demoscum have over us.&#160 Biden makes a crack about Republicans wanting to put Americans in “chains” (and spoken with a faux Southern accent, at that) – the Dimbulbs come to his aid.&#160 Bambi says something stupid (a daily occurrence nowadays), the Donks circle the wagons.

Why don’t we ever go to the mats for our people?&#160 Why do we cower in fear when one of ours commits a bon mot?

Pisses me off.&#160 We’d throw Christ Himself under the bus if he said something controversial these days.

And if we continue to run away like ball-less, dickless wonders, is it any wonder why we lose elections all the time?

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OHMYFREAKINGOURD&#153, he’s…(GASP!!!1!!ONE!!1!ELEVENTYTRILLION!!1!~)…HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at Chicago 33, Washington 31

Dallas 20, at San Diego 28

For once, the C’girlz first unit looked pretty damn good.&#160 And even though it was Kyle Orton who led the first touchdown drive, the O-line was able to both protect Romo and give DeMarco Murray some running room.&#160 Let’s hope it’s a portend.

And the $50XXL (that’s “million” for those of you in Rev. Mykki Chickenshit’s Church of the SubTarded) man, Brandon Carr, got himself a couple of picks on the way to helping the first-team defense shut the Chargers out for a half.

In other areas, third-string QB Stephen McGee has probably played his way off the roster – he was given most of the fourth quarter Saturday and was woefully ineffective.&#160 Fourth-stringer Rudy Carpenter came in with the same personnel grouping and promptly led Dallas to its only other touchdown of the night, alternating passes between Cole Beasley & Dwayne Harris, with the latter catching the TD.&#160 Hope the ‘Girlz keep all three of ’em.

On defense, second-year player Mario Butler impressed.&#160 He’s got a shot to stick.

Well, well, well.&#160 Things aren’t so easy, are they ARRRRR GEEEEEE THREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!, when the defenders are just as fast as you are, are they???

The Second Coming Of The World’s Greatest Ever Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever!!!&#153 was only 5-8-49 with no&#160 touchdowns and a fumble when a Bear defender…(GASP!!!!!)caught him from behind.&#160 OHNOES!!!!!

Welcome to Hell&#153, Mr. “Andre Ware II”.&#160 How do&#160 you like it?&#160

The PFW will return Friday or so.&#160 Stay tuned.

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Denizens, you guys are pretty much aware that I’m not exactly&#160 the most loyal fan that Jerry “Owner Jethro” Jones has ever had.

But as we begin this episode of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153, I can’t help but think that – at some point – piling on is piling on.

I mean, he already caught enough crap for the seating brouhaha at Super Bowl XLV – never mind it was the NFL’s fault, he was the one that got royally bashed for it.&#160 And that was after his miserable-assed attempt to see to it that his team was the first to ever host one.

But now the idiots are beginning to come out of the woodwork.&#160 Call it Hot Coffee In The Lap, Part the Deuxth:

Jennelle Carrillo is suing Jones and the team after attending the Blue & Silver scrimmage at Cowboys Stadium way back in August 2010. Carrillo claims she parked herself on a bench outside the facility and endured third-degree burns on her buttocks.

“Prior to entering the seated area of Cowboys stadium, plaintiff sat down on a black, marble bench outside of and near entrance ‘E’ to the stadium,” the lawsuit reads, via CBSSports.com. “The bench was uncovered and openly exposed to the extremely hot August sun. The combination of the nature of the black, marble bench and hot sunlight caused the bench to become extremely hot and unreasonably dangerous. … As a result of sitting on the bench, plaintiff suffered third degree burns to her buttocks.”

Okay, you got all this, Denizens?&#160 Marble&#160 bench.&#160 Exposed to the sun all day.&#160 In August.

And now for your money quote:

Carillo’s lawsuit hinges on her claim that the “defendants knew or reasonably should have known that the material used to construct the bench would become unreasonably hot when exposed to the August sun.”

You.&#160 Can’t.&#160 Be.&#160 Fucking.&#160 Serious.

She’s claiming that Jerruh & the Dallas C’boys should have known that her delicate, tender hiney&#160 couldn’t withstand a surface on which you could probably slow-cook an egg?

Well, if Jerry “should have known” it…would someone please&#160 tell me why the ever-loving hell&#160 it is that she&#160 didn’t?&#160 Hmmmmmmmmmm?????

Fuck the euphemisms. That’s one stupid cunt, right there.

Speaking of Jerry’s team, they’re in action tonight as they travel to San Diego’s Jack Murphy Qualcomm Snapdragon Whatever-the-hell-it’s-named-today Stadium to take on the Chargers.&#160 Witten’s got a lacerated spleen, Ware’s got a tweaked hammy, Romo and the rest of the bunch will only play a couple series, so I’m not expecting much.

It is&#160 live football, though, so what the hell.

We’re back Monday or so with the recap.&#160 In the meantime…the search for HDD continues…

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Denizens, don’t let anyone fool you:&#160 The Second Civil War has been on for quite some time, albeit in a cold sort of way.

Looks like that’s about to change, however.&#160 A security guard for the Family Research Council is the latest vicitim.

The armed man who walked into the Washington headquarters of the Family Research Council and reportedly shot a security guard Wednesday morning has been identified as Floyd Corkins, 28, of Virginia, NBC News reports.

Corkins was taken into custody by the FBI following the shooting and was being interviewed.

Sources told Fox News that after guard took away his gun, the suspect said, “Don’t shoot me, it was not about you, it was what this place stands for.”

Perkins was an outspoken defender of Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy’s public stand against same-sex marriage, which made the fast-food chain a flashpoint in the nation’s culture wars. The Cathy family foundation has funded the Family Research Council.

There you have it.&#160 The little chickenshit thought he was going to go into FRC and shoot up the place.&#160 Thanks be to God for the security guard who upset the princess’ little applecart.

As for you, libtard pussies, you’ve sown the wind – you’re one step closer to reaping the whirlwind.

You bastards think you’re such hot shits?&#160 We still outnumber you, and&#160 we outgun you.

And you’re coming dangerously close to the day when we say “fuck it, and you”.

ThatIsAll&#153.

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Well, that&#160 was certainly underwhelming.

Dallas 3, at Oakland 0

at Indianapolis 38, St. Louis 3

Not bad for a first pass.

Andrew Luck knows life in the NFL can’t be this easy for a rookie.

The No. 1 overall draft pick threw his first NFL pass for a long touchdown, just like Peyton Manning in 1998, then led Indianapolis to two more touchdowns. Luck one-upped his predecessor by winning Sunday’s preseason opener 38-3 over St. Louis — Indy’s first preseason-opening win since 1994.

Now, admittedly, it was a little dump-off that Donnie Brown turned into a 63-yard catch-and-run, but still.

Luck looked very&#160 good for a first game.&#160 Then again, it was&#160 the Rams.

And at that, he looked better than El Choko.&#160 Then again, Luck at least has a line to protect him.

Romo had one good pass to Dez Bryant on a back-shoulder out – but spent most of his time running from an Oakland pass rush that, while respectable, should have been blocked a lot better.&#160 The running game was non-existant, and a line that was supposedly&#160 rebuilt during the offseason looked like the proverbial screen door on the submarine.

As it was, third-stringer Stephen McGee led the “winning” drive.

This doesn’t bode well.

The PFW will return either Friday or Saturday…if we can wake up from the snoozefest that was Cowgirl-Raider.

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Okay, so Mittens picks Congresscritter Paul Ryan (R-WI) as his running mate.

I’m…whelmed.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m pleased there’s an actual conservative on the ticket.&#160 And if he had, say, Christie’s moxie and Smart-Ass Quotient&#153, I’d be a little more excited.

But the Republican party seems to think it can win this election by being Above It All&#153 and out-debating Bambi & Captain Gaffetastic, believing that the American people will come to their senses and see for whom it is they need to vote.

This should tell you all you need to know about that.

(sigh) Time to stock up on more ammo…

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Denizens, for our first episode of the 2012 Perfect Football Weekend&#153, we’ll go back to a pet peeve that His Rudeness&#153 has always had – that being ugly-assed uniforms.

In this case, the college football variety.

Incidentally, if you look at the next&#160 video (keep watching), it looks as if Maryland is going to retain the title in 2012.

And now to the football.&#160 We’ve already had a couple games this week – Phuckadelphia kicked a last-second FG to beat Pittsburgh; Denver had zero trouble with Da Bears; Andy Dalton’s Cincinnati Bengals had an easy enough time with the NY J-E-T-S-JETSJETSJETS!!!.

Monday night begins Full Year Two&#153 of the Red Headed Jesus regime, as the ‘Girlz are out in Oakland to take on Da Raaiiiiiiduhhhhhhhssssss!!!!!&#160 The way Oakland perpetually looks, they might have more success suiting out Occutards.

We’re back Tuesday with something resembling a recap.&#160 In the meantime…paging HDD.&#160 HDD, call yer office…

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