Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 14:35
Yeah, yeah, I know – I’d already promised that we were done with the PFW for the year.
Sue me. (grin)
I mean, you couldn’t have expected me to ignore this weekend, what with OU having won their bowl game, my Froggies and the LSU Tigers in bowls of their own and the Cowgirls playing for their playoff lives…could you?
So let’s get crackin’. OU’s already won the Holiday Bowl, 17-14 over the Oregon Ducks and the World’s Ugliest College Football Uniforms Ever™, so there’s one in the bag.
Tonight at 7:30, the 10th-ranked LSU Tigers take on number 9 Miami.  I’d love to see the Hurricanes get it in the shorts tonight (for reasons besides the fact that I don’t like the Hurricanes much), but I’m gonna look for Miami in a squeaker.  Maybe a field goal, I dunno.
Tomorrow, my 14th-ranked TCU Horned Frogs take on the Iowa State Cyclones in the EV1.net Houston Bowl.  I’d pick the Tadpoles in this game, but Iowa State kicked Texas A&M’s maroon asses all over the Kyle Field turf a couple months back, and any team that does that has my everlasting respect.  IOW, this game scares the crap outta me.  Gimme the Frogs and 10.
Sunday night, the Cowgirls are at home vs. the St. Louis Rams.  These are not your father’s Greatest Show on Turf™ Rams; their coach is out with health issues, they’re banged up and don’t have their starting quarterback, plus their two tailbacks are hurting, and the Rams have been pretty much been mailing it in all year, as evidenced by their 5-10 mark.  I’ll take the Pokes, and you can have 13.
I’ll have the recap and the benediction do-over on Monday or thereabouts.  That is, if I’m not hung over from reveling. (grin)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 19:37
(No hat tip – sorry, guyz, the source would just as soon remain anonymous.)
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”
Mheh (with an “ew” on the side for good measure (grin))…
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 9:15
So I’m on the phone with Hewlett Packard, checking on a ticket for a drive that’s supposedly been ordered for one of my clients, right?
Guy puts me on hold…
…and what to my wondering ears should appear but Little River Band’s Night Owl…
…in Muzak format.
DamnShitFuck™, I’m getting old… (sigh, groan)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 15:05
Denizens, I’m taking yet another day off, so your required reading for the day is from the Imperial Firearms Advisor, who gives us this startling analysis.
Go.  Shoo.  See you back here tomorrow or so.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 0:05
Now in those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus, that a census be taken of all the inhabited earth. This was the first census taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. And everyone was on his way to register for the census, each to his own city.
Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and family of David, in order to register along with Mary, who was engaged to him, and was with child.
While they were there, the days were completed for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
In the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened.
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”
“This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased.”
When the angels had gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds began saying to one another, “Let us go straight to Bethlehem then, and see this thing that has happened which the Lord has made known to us.” So they came in a hurry and found their way to Mary and Joseph, and the baby as He lay in the manger.
When they had seen this, they made known the statement which had been told them about this Child. And all who heard it wondered at the things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart.
The shepherds went back, glorifying and praising God for all that they had heard and seen, just as had been told them.
-Luke 2:1-20 (NASB)
And may God add His blessings to the reading of His word.
Merry Christmas, Denizens.  Remember why.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 9:38
Just when you’ve gotten tired of the commercialization of Christmas, and of all the wars on Christmas and the Christians celebrating it by the Limp-wristed Lickspittle Left™, etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseam  – along comes this story of a random shopper’s generosity towards a Marine.
A Marine who’s planning to marry a Texan got an early Christmas present: A fellow shopper picked up the tab for a $3,000 diamond engagement ring after the two struck up a conversation in a jewelry store.
The 54-year-old Dallas woman who paid for the 1-carat, princess cut diamond ring wants to remain anonymous, Helzberg Diamonds spokeswoman Stacey McBride told The Associated Press on Friday.
The woman’s father was in the military, her brother was a Marine who died in Vietnam and her nephew just got back from Iraq, McBride said.
Now that’s  what I call supporting the troops.
And to that wonderful lady:  Standing you to a beer may be a bit déclassé  – but I’ll happily treat you to a Starbucks anytime you’d like.
And both the Denizens and the LCs would be willing to do likewise, I’d think.
Merry Christmas, guyz.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:17
(sigh) No time to do squat, Denizens, so here’s another Christmas rerun.
(Is kinda in keeping with the season, isn’t it?)
Ran this the day after Christmas last year.  ‘Tennnnnnnn-hut!!!!!
In honor of Supreme General Rayegun, curator of Area 5xp – and if you’re reading this, General, would you mind checking in, please? – we here in the Realm™ present this blurb denoting the season…
General Claus’ Visit
To: All Personnel
_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 1998.  The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:
_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice.  Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels.  Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.
_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 1996.  Uniform for the nap will be:  Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps.  Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 1996.
_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads.  This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.
_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care.  Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings.  Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1996, ATTN:  AEAGA-S, for approval.
_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause.  Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes.  ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1995, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing.  Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.
_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 1996, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations.  After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”
_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys.  All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies.  Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 1996, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.
_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”  This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.
__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
OIC, Special Services
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 21:54
The Department of Man Bites Dog has delivered unto us a heart-rending story of late-night talk-show host David Letterman and a restraining order.
Okay, so you figure he’s having to take out another one over yet another stalker.  Not unusual, given the fool woman who was convinced that she was his wife a few years back.
Uh, not quite.  This time, it’s being served on him.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 22:37
In yet another glaring example of why some black robes ought to come equipped with the logo of a well-known retail chain, a tin-horned bench jockey has infringed upon the free-speech rights of a school board.
HARRISBURG, Pa. (AP) – In one of the biggest courtroom clashes between faith and evolution since the 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial, a federal judge barred a Pennsylvania public school district Tuesday from teaching “intelligent design” in biology class, saying the concept is creationism in disguise.
And who would know better about disguises than a black-robed tyrant pretending to be a fair-minded, knowledgeable-in-the-law judge, hm?
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 5:56
Denizens, for your Wednesday morning pick-me-up, we refer you to a little item referred to us – are you sitting down? – by none other than Widdle Mikey “Um Yeah” Suckliffe.
Seems that a
Spanish Inquistion Civil Rights Commission in Ohio was a little upset that a barkeep put a sign in his window saying “For Service Speak English”.
There is no evidence that Jim Crow has ever warmed a bar stool or nursed a long neck at the Pleasure Inn tavern in Mason. But to hear the Ohio Civil Rights Commission tell it, Jim Crow is a two-fisted regular who stands in the door with an ax handle to run off anyone who can’t speak English.
The commissioners did everything but accuse owner Tom Ullum of being a certified racist because he put a sign in his bar window that said, “For Service Speak English.”
On second thought, they did that too. “It’s just as effective as a ‘whites only’ sign,” they said, invoking Rosa Parks as if she had been ordered to sit in the back of the bar.
Hmmmm.  Wonder if we should tell them about the official language of the aviation industry?
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 19:53
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.
P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
Damn – why doesn’t stuff like that happen to me?!
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 13:00
Okay, so here we’ve had President Bush trying to protect Americans by performing wiretaps on phone conversations involving Al-Qaida or other suspected terrorists.  And he says they’re going to continue, and I quote here, “so long as I’m the president of the United States.”
It’s a stance with which no right-thinking individual should have that much of a problem – which is why the Demoscum and their designated dick-sucking GOPer, Arlen Sphincter, are bitching long and loud about it.
But what chaps my ass is the remarks from one particular Donk fucktard on this issue:
“I tell you, he’s President George Bush, not King George Bush. This is not the system of government we have and that we fought for,” Sen. Russell Feingold, D-Wis., told The Associated Press.
Excuse the Hell™ outta me?  This is Russell Feingold that said this?  Russell Feingold, as in McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance Reform  Russell Feingold?  The same Imperial Socialist Demoscum Russell Feingold who thinks it’s okay to take my rights, the rest of the Blogosphere’s rights and the rights of groups like the American Family Association and flush ‘em down a toilet 60 days prior to an election?  That  Russell Feingold?
Russell, baby, I don’t know what kind of government you  think “we fought for”, fuckhead – but the one I  think we fought for says that I can call you an asshatted son-of-a-crack-whore-bitch the day before an election, and there’s not a motherfucking thing you can do about it.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d like to continue to be able to do that.
And if it takes George W. Bush’s NSA eavesdropping on Al-Zarqawi to do that, then you, sir,  need to have a heaping helping of STFU, let him eavesdrop and “kwitcherbitchin'”.
Suggest you put a cork in it, Feingold – before some ragheaded Islamofuck does it for you.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 12:06
The question is being asked of His Rudeness™ in this thread:
This reminds me of something I’ve been thinking about lately. How does a “good” Christian behave? I’m curious about your thoughts on this.
And the King & Tyrant™ answered and spaketh unto honeydew:
Why are you asking me?  I’m not exactly the greatest example of a Christian you’ll ever find.  Never have been, in fact.  The Apostle Paul, if memory serves, in fact chides himself as being one of the lesser Christians to have ever walked the face of the earth, and I’m right there with him.  I’m positively awful, as far as that goes.
I mean, I can tell you how a “good” Christian ought  behave, but I can also tell you that living a good Christian life is a damned sight harder (play on words intended) than you might think it is, particularly nowadays. (There’s a lecture on this that dovetails nicely with why new Christians fail a great deal of the time, but that’s another topic for another post.)
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 9:04
Denizens, until I can find something resembling time, here’s a reprise from the Grab-Bag™ – Deck The Halls,  Pogo-style
Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla walla, Washington, an’ Kalamazoo!
Nora’s freezin’ on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley’garoo!
Don’t we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby lilla boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don’t love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacola hullabaloo!
Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly welly cracker n’ too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantalope, ‘lope with you!
Hunky Dory’s pop is lolly gaggin’ on the wagon,
Willy, folly go through!
Chollie’s collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarum bung-a-loo!
Duck us all in bowls of barley,
Ninky dinky dink an’ polly voo!
Chilly Filly’s name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly’s jolly chilly view halloo!
Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, Woof, Woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, Goof, Goof!
Hairy Blitzmas.  Whatever.
Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant @ 19:37
The Department of Bee-Effin’-Dee checks in with this news item concerning Sheryl Crow’s
hired dick boy toy lover live-in boyfriend.
ROME (AP) – Lance Armstrong has been ordered to stand trial in Italy on charges of defaming cyclist Filippo Simeoni.
Armstrong’s lawyer in Italy, Enrico Nan, said Thursday that the seven-time Tour de France champion was indicted Wednesday and scheduled to go to trial on March 7.
Nan said Armstrong does not face jail time, but he could be fined if found guilty.
Memo to the Rome judicial system:  Good luck collecting.
Armstrong is being investigated for pursuing Simeoni during an early stage breakaway in last year’s Tour de France and reportedly threatening him for testifying about doping abuse in the trial of an Italian doctor associated with Armstrong.
Simeoni told an Italian court in 2002 that doctor Michele Ferrari advised him to take performance-enhancing drugs. Later, Armstrong reportedly called Simeoni a liar, and the Italian sued the American for libel.
Hey, Simeoni?  You’re not just a liar, you’re an asshatted, limp-wristed, fuckfaced son-of-a-crack-whore-bitch liar.
Go ahead and sue me.  And do  please come try to collect…heh…heh…heh…
Ferrari was given a 12-month suspended jail sentence in October 2004 for sports fraud and malpractice. He has always denied he dispensed illegal substances to athletes and is appealing the sentence.
Oh, and you’re a fuckin’ criminal, too.  Sod off, Short Bus.