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Y’know, Denizens, usually I’m in whole-hearted agreement with the good folks over at Downtrend.com – they’re a conservative, anti-Bambi lot whose words I often enjoy reading.

But not this time.

Rapper 2 Chainz and his entire entourage were arrested on drug charges Tuesday, after their bus was stopped for having a broken tail light. After smelling traces of weed and seeing smoke in the bus, the police felt this was enough “probable cause” to search the vehicle.

Got news for you, Nathan Eyre:&#160 the police were right.&#160 Visible smoke, combined with the scent of pot does, indeed, constitute probable cause.

Ain’t no “felt”, nor sneer-quotes about it.

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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[SCENE:&#160 Aboard ISS Vengeance, in His Rudeness' quarters.&#160 The Admiral is working his way through a massive hangover...]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Would you please&#160 tone it down, Narrator?!

[Of course, m'liege.&#160 I did&#160 try to warn you last night, though, did I not?]

VENOMOUS (nodding):&#160 Yeah, yeah, you did, I know.&#160 No worries, son, just…

[Lord Venomous' nerves, already on edge, are suddenly rankled by the BZZZZZZT!!!&#160 of the door chime.&#160 In a fit of pique, he executes a flawless Force-throw as he screams at the door.

Nothing moves inside the cabin, but outside, we hear a very loud (though muffled) thump against the opposite bulkhead.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[The door slides open to reveal General Korrioth (slumped agaisnt the bulkhead), Merlin, Ozy, K'hadibak'h, T-Bone, plus more than a few Jawas & Bynars.]

MERLIN:&#160 Begging the Admiral’s pardon, sir, but…it’s time.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Uh…time?

KORRIOTH (standing in the doorway, having regained his senses):&#160 Time, sir.

{The Admiral ponders a moment, then enlightenment dawns.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Ah.&#160 Time.&#160 Of course.

[The crew breathes a noticeable sigh of relief.]

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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DIE, SWINE, DIE!!!!!&#160

Justice.

Buford.&#160 T.&#160 Justice.

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At the Video Music Awards a couple days ago, Miley Cyrus…well, let’s just say she took a page from the Britney Spears playbook and oops, she did it again:

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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There may be an Executive Decision&#153 regarding the Houston Texans even before these start counting for real.

Carolina 34, at Baltimore 24

Seattle 17, at Green Bay 10

at Dallas 24, Cincinnati 18

New Orleans 31, at Houston 23

at San Transexual 34, Minne-haha 14

Watch out.&#160 Teddy Ginn’s back.

Ted Ginn Jr. returned a punt 74 yards for a touchdown, and the Carolina Panthers’ defense scored three times in a 34-27 preseason victory over the mistake-prone Baltimore Ravens on Thursday night.

Drayton Florence took an interception 71 yards into the end zone, Thomas Davis scored on a 2-yard fumble return and linebacker Luke Kuechly picked off another of Joe Flacco’s passes late in the second quarter to set up a 54-yard field goal by Graham Gano for a 24-7 lead.

Carolina (2-1) had just 67 yards in offense before halftime, yet reeled off 24 consecutive points after Baltimore (2-1) scored on its first possession.

The light appears to be going on in Ron Rivera’s defense. The NFC South could be in a bit o’ trouble.

Christine Michael ran for 97 yards and Stephen Williams snatched a ball from cornerback Loyce Means in the end zone for a 42-yard touchdown catch in the Seattle Seahawks’ 17-10 preseason victory over the Green Bay Packers on Friday night.

About the only exciting thing that happened at ViQueen-FairyWhiner was that three drunken, limp-wristed fools invaded the field during play.&#160 Whether they were streaking or not is anyone’s guess, as NBC stupidly dutifully cut away to a shot from the circling blimp.&#160 Presumably, one of the “streakers” got blindsided by a Whiner lineback, but that’s only hearsay.

This Cowboy team looks better right now than at any time during the last three years.

Yes, Romo/Orton/Tanney were sacked their share of times, but Romo to Dez Bryant positively shredded&#160 the Bengal defense.&#160 And when it wasn’t Bryant, it was Romo to Austin (a number of good catches, plus a touchdown in the back of the end zone.

The running game didn’t look like a turtle mired in molasses, and the line – after a couple of fuck-ups early – actually looked like an offensive line.&#160 Doug Free moved inside to guard, and while they probably won’t go with that lineup in two weeks vs the Douchebags, it performed well Saturday night.

The defense got another couple of turnovers, and didn’t allow the Cincinnati first-team offense to score.&#160 In fact, the only first-half points the Bengals got were from a 75-yard punt return.

Which brings me to the special teams.&#160 Rich Bisaccia is making no one forget about Joe DeCamillis – and DeCamillis was awful.

The General informs me that the Texans were playing without Brian Cushing & JJ Watt.&#160 And Arian Foster didn’t play all that much.&#160 Okay, point(s) conceded.

Still, you should be able to score more than 23 points against a team learning a 3-4 defense from Rob Fucking Ryan&#160 of all people.&#160 And if this, Game 3, is traditionally considered the Dress Rehersal&#153 game…

The PFW will return Thursday, when things start on the high school & college levels for reals, and we chronicle (sort of) the Governor’s Cup.

Oh, and the second-guesses?

Perhaps the Cowgirls can play their way back into the PFW…

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Got this from a friend of mine on FB.

1. There shall always be bacon in the house. Always.

2. There isn’t a food that doesn’t go on well with bacon. Not even ice cream.

3. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who love bacon and those who do not.

4. Bacon is so tasty even pigs will eat it.

5. There is no wrong way to cook, boil or fry bacon.

6. Most of the world’s problems can be solved with more bacon. Fact.

7. Meals without bacon are simply not meals.

8. You shall consume bacon every day of the week.

9. Bacon makes everything taste better. Just add bacon.

10. Bacon will get you laid.

So that’s&#160 why I never get laid…&#160

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While watching Entertainment Tonight (it was on after local news here following the Cowboy game), I’m told that Katy Perry was “surprised” that the stalkerazi papperazi began following her circa 2008.

Response:&#160 This is news?

Katy, honeybunch – you’re a limp-wrist-supporting bimbo airhead with larger-than-normal tits – tits that you like to flash portions of at every opportunity.

Why wouldn’t&#160 the Lame-Assed Mediots follow you?

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…to get what they can’t get any other way.

Oh, no…all they wanted was “equality”.

They were never&#160 going to force gay marriage on us, NoSirreeBob&#153.

Well…not until now, anyway.

Millionaire gay couple the Drewitt-Barlows have confirmed they have launched a legal challenge to the right of churches to opt out of gay weddings.

In fresh comments published by the Chelmsford Weekly News in the U.K. today, Barrie Drewitt-Barlow said legal action had started.

“We’ve launched a challenge to the government’s decision to allow some religious groups to opt out of marrying same-sex couples,” he said.

“We feel we have the right as parishioners in our village to utilize the church we attend to get married.

Whether that church wants to or not (although, to hear these faggots tell it, this one does.&#160 (And yes – I called them faggots.&#160 Don’t like it?&#160 Come fucking do&#160 something about it.))

They don’t want equal rights.&#160 It’s never&#160 been about equal rights.&#160 The heterophobes have the same rights as do you & I.

What they&#160 want are special privileges.&#160 They want to force us to accept their hallowed practice of getting their rocks off by sticking their dicks in each other’s asses, and they want us to say it’s morally – and legally – okay.

And as I have said time, and time, and time again – as long as I have breath, there will be at least one soul on Planet Earth that says to them, “Go to Hell”.

Now, this is the UK, so we don’t have to worry about it yet, though we in the Realm&#153 continue to grieve the collapse of British society.

But woe be to the bastards who try it over here.&#160 You won’t like what happens.

Bank on that.

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Denizens, as we start another Perfect Football Weekend&#153, talk in the world of College F’ball, You Bet!&#153 is on Johnny Football Johnny Signature Johnny Manziel, the defending Heisman Trophy winner, and Signature-gate, where multiple “brokers” (read:&#160 pissant swine) are claiming that he sold his signature for approximately seven large.&#160 (That’s $7,000 for those of you in Mykki Chickenshit’s Church of the SubTarded.)

There’s talk of suspensions & whatnot, but one Moaning Snooze columnist seems to think nothing’ll come of it:

The rub might be if Texas A&M decides to suspend him pending a finding by the NCAA. If he plays before the NCAA makes a ruling, they might make the Aggies void any wins he plays in. But I think the Aggies might be willing to roll the dice on that.

My take on it is, what’s the big deal?&#160 He’s making money doing something he’s done, independent of the NCAA, for nearly his entire life – signing his name.&#160 There are some things the NCAA just can’t control, and this is one of them – or should be, anyway.

On to the football.&#160 Right now, Raven is coming back on Panther in Baltimore (it’s 34-24, Carolina, as I write this).&#160 Baltimore’s apparently contracted a case of the Dallas Oopsies&#153 (in other words, they’ve coughed up the ball a few times), but they seem to be coming back.

Friday night, CBS will have Seahawk-Packer from the frrrroooooozzzzzennnnnnnnn tunnnnnnnndrrrrrraaaaaaaa&#160 (a little Chris Berman lingo, there)

Saturday, this house will be watching Cowgirl-Bengal.&#160 My first chance to see Andy Dalton.&#160 Woo hoo!&#160 &#160 In addition, CBS will have Ram-Bronco from Denver.&#160 Peyton should have a field day.

Saint-Texan and ViQueen-FairyWhiner on Sunday round out the schedule.

As usual, I’ll have comment on anything I get to see.&#160 Recaps with links if not.&#160 And I’ll try to make it on Monday if I can.

See you then.

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The Vicar wonders what the General’s response will be when Private(E1) Manning’s request for transgender hormone therapy arrives on his desk.

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Way to go, butterfingers.

MERLIN:&#160 Which one?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Yes.

at Arizona 12, Dallas 7

Didn’t see enough of any one other game to render a rant one way or the other, and I don’t have time to post links.

But I saw Cowgirl-Cardinal, and I took away two things:

1) Alex Tanney is a better quarterback than either Tony Romo or Kyle Orton.

2) It’ll always be something&#160 with this sorry bunch.&#160 It’ll either be turnovers, or they can’t block, or they can’t get to the quarterback, or something.&#160 But this team won’t get anywhere this year.&#160 Maybe never again.

The defense will be okay – the 4-3 seems to agree with these guys.

But Romo sucks, and Orton sucks, and they probably won’t even keep&#160 Tanney, so…

The PFW will return either Thursday or Friday.&#160 Hopefully I’ll have something by then.

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Ever since Senator Ted Cruz (Conservative-TX) began his ascendancy, the Pansy-assed ProgNazi Pussies&#153 on the left have been making a big deal about how he’s supposedly&#160 not a U.S. citizen.&#160 They fear (as they rightly should) that Cruz will someday run for president, and they want to use the very same argument that they’ve been sneering at for lo these past five years concerning their own limp-wristed crapweasel, the ball-less, dickless effeminate in the White House.

(I had a “friend” of mine try a similar tactic once.&#160 I used a certain argument as my platform in a presidential run for a certain “hah skrewl” (little Rush lingo, there) organization.&#160 The jackass sneered at the argument, voted for my opponent – then used the exact same argument himself&#160 in a vice-presidential bid of his own.&#160 And rightly got his head handed him.)

Except B. HUSSEIN!!!!!&#160 Obambi never produced a bona fide&#160 copy of his&#160 birth certificate – and Cruz…well…

Though he’s clearly a U.S. citizen, he may face a decision about his Canadian citizenship if he runs for president.

Leave it to the sniveling leftists at the Dullest Moaning Snooze to try & deflect the fact that Cruz just kicked their asses.

Again.

Take that, libtard doucherifles!

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Attitudes such as this, create the dependency class that our President relies on for so much of his support.

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Denizens, as we begin the next installation of the Perfect Football Weekend, we take our first look of the year at the Second Coming Of The Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever, EVAH!!!!!&#153…also known as ARRRRRRRRRRR GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!1!!ONE!1!ELEVENTY!!!.

Between the end of last year & now, the Lame Stream Limp-Wristed Media had been, unwittingly, doing their damndest to actually make the Second Coming&#153…palatable&#160 to Yours Truly&#153.

There were whispers about how he was…(gasp, arrrgh!!!)…a CHRIIIIISSSSSSTIIIIAAAANNNNNN!!!!!! – and even worse…A CONSERRRRRVAAAATIIIIVVVVVE!!!!!

Black conservatives are blasting ESPN analyst Rob Parker for his racially-charged attack on Washington Redskin quarterback Robert Griffin III for being a suspected Republican sympathizer.

On-air, Parker declared Griffin, an African-American, “not one of us” and accused him of being a “cornball brother” because he has a white fiancé and allegedly has Republican leanings.

Members of Project 21, a national leadership group of black conservatives, today spoke out against Parker’s accusation that Griffin is not “down with the (black) cause.”

Well, you guys can relax.&#160 He’s one of y’all.

Liberal, that is.&#160 Weiner-style:

I’ve heard of professional athletes bouncing in and out of marriages, but Robert Griffin III tied the knot with college sweetheart Rebecca Liddicoat less than two weeks ago and their relationship is already on the rocks.

The Washington Redskins‘ star apparently has a weakness for the waitresses over at Hooters because according to multiple media outlets, RG3 has been caught sexting with Hooters employee Meredith Barber. Hailing from Virginia, Barber is currently a student at VCU and works at Hooters as well. The details of the supposed scandal are pretty murky, yet the most important thing is that pictures of the two together have surfaced and more are apparently on the way.

And he Sure’s Hell&#153 ain’t no fucking conservative.

Former Baylor quarterback Robert Griffin III thinks the time is now for gay players to come out.

The Washington Redskins star told GQ magazine that he feels the “window is now” for gay players.

“I think there are [gay players] right now, and if they’re looking for a window to just come out, I mean, now is the window,” Griffin said. “My view on it is, yes, I am a Christian, but to each his own. You do what you want to do. If some Christians want to look at being gay as a sin, then thinking about other women, committing adultery—or any of those other sins that are in the Bible—those are sins, too. And God looks at all of us the same way.”

Yeah, dumbass – as a fucking embarrassment when we refuse to stand up for His standards.

Thanks, LSM – you’ve given me new reasons to despise his ugly ass this year.

On with the football.&#160 Cowgirlz-Cardinals is on tomorrow, which is what’ll be on this toob whilst the Sibling Unit&#153 and I are trying to get me packed.

We’ve already had games like Lions-Browns, Falcons-Ravens, Bucs-Pats (“Braaaaaadeeeeee SPRAINED HIS ANKLE!!!!&#160 OHNOES!!!!!!!”) and FairyWhiners-Pocahontases.&#160 Maybe I can include a couple of those in the recap.

On Sunday, we’ll get Indian-hapless at the NY Football Douchebags, then on Monday it’s the Steelers versus the aforementioned Second Coming&#153 and the Foreskins.

We’ll try to have a recap Tuesday, since Mondays aren’t working very well for us.

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Didn’t get a chance to watch much, Denizens, but I took one thing away from it all:

Kyle Orton is a better quarterback than “El Choko”.

Cincinnati 34, at Atlanta 10

Houston 27, at Minne-haha 13

at Oakland 19, Dallas 17

NY Football Douchebags 18, Pittsburgh 13

Beefalo 44, at Indian-hapless 20

Giovani Bernard ran for a touchdown, and Josh Johnson directed two second-quarter TD drives as the Cincinnati Bengals cruised to a 34-10 preseason-opening win over the Atlanta Falcons on Thursday night.

Bernard, a second-round draft pick from North Carolina competing for a significant share of the Bengals’ carries, played behind returning starter BenJarvus Green-Ellis and had 10 carries for 28 yards, including a 1-yard touchdown run. He added three catches for 16 yards.

DeAndre Hopkins caught a 34-yard touchdown pass for the Houston Texans in a 27-13 preseason victory Friday over the Minnesota Vikings.

The Vikings showcased their rookie wide receiver, too, during a flashy first half by Cordarrelle Patterson.

Hopkins, the 27th overall pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, had four receptions for 52 yards. Patterson, taken two slots later, caught four passes for 54 yards and returned the opening kickoff 50 yards.

Bills rookie EJ Manuel threw for 107 yards and broke a 13-13 tie with a 17-yard TD pass with 14 seconds left in the first half to lead Buffalo past the Indianapolis Colts, 44-20 on Sunday.

Manuel was solid, not spectacular in his preseason debut.

He finished 16 of 21 with a quarterback rating of 102.6 and wasn’t sacked though he was credited with a fumble after botching a handoff to C.J. Spiller, which led to a Colts field goal.

Once again, the Douchebags held on every damned play.

Once again, Vickie Cruz caught a touchdown pass from E-why the Woman.

And did his little mambo.

And once again, I found myself wishing I was an NFL linebacker, so I could target Vickie’s knees.

(sigh)

The Dallas defense looks like it might actually be good this year.&#160 It got another couple of turnovers.

Unfortunately, it showed once again that it’s going to have problems with fleet, mobile quarterbacks.

The Second Coming&#153 must be licking her chops.&#160 (Yes – I said her.)

Kyle Orton led Dallas to its first touchdown. El Choko had problems competing a screen pass.&#160 The running game continued to look improved from last year,and the light appears to have finally come on for Dez Bryant, which is good.

Now if they only had a quarterback who could get the ball to him.

We’ll see what we can do about getting another PFW in the can Thursday or Friday.&#160 See you then.

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