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Denizens, I got nothing tonight – and the General seems to have gotten rained on and gone off AWOL (&#160 ), so we reach into the Grab-Bag&#153 for this gem from the Mothergoose in Denton.

It’s long, so it’s below the fold.
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Busy day today, Sportz Fanz&#153, so the Mothergoose from Denton has been kind enough to share this with us.&#160 (I have no clue as to its veracity, but the email says it’s true, so…&#160

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water…

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It’s raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slippi ng outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old…

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat…

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer…

And that’s the truth…Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

Hey, I just post ’em, folkz.&#160

Haven’t had a lot of time to write anything the last couple of days, Denizens, so here’s something from the Grab-Bag&#153, courtesy of the Mothergoose from Denton:

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it’s pretty good.

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down….. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Well, except you don’t get to fish.&#160

Denizens, today we have an oldie-but-goodie from the Grab-Bag&#153 – this one courtesy of LC James Quick:

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On the eve of the most important election in our country’s history – and they all seem to be getting moreso as we go along, don’t they? – I’m going to delve deep into the Grab-Bag&#153 and remind you of what the Commander-in-Briefs did when it came to dealing with terrorism – and what the Left is likely to do if they’re put back into power.

The following is a NewsMax article from March 16, 2003.

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(sigh) No time to do squat, Denizens, so here’s another Christmas rerun.

(Is kinda in keeping with the season, isn’t it?)

Ran this the day after Christmas last year.&#160 ‘Tennnnnnnn-hut!!!!!

…

In honor of Supreme General Rayegun, curator of Area 5xp – and if you’re reading this, General, would you mind checking in, please? – we here in the Realm&#153 present this blurb denoting the season…

General Claus’ Visit

To: All Personnel

_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 1998.&#160 The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice.&#160 Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels.&#160 Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.

_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 1996.&#160 Uniform for the nap will be:&#160 Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps.&#160 Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 1996.

_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads.&#160 This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.

_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care.&#160 Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings.&#160 Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1996, ATTN:&#160 AEAGA-S, for approval.

_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause.&#160 Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes.&#160 ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1995, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing.&#160 Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.

_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 1996, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations.&#160 After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.

_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”

_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys.&#160 All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies.&#160 Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 1996, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.

_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”&#160 This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.

__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
Colonel, US
OIC, Special Services

Dissssss-missed!!! (grin)

‘Twas a One-Legged Man&#153 day in the Realm&#153 today, Denizens, so here’s something out of the Grab-Bag&#153. (A certain Austin-based DevilDog should appreciate this.)

Fahrenheit / Celsius
· +50 / +10
o New York tenants turn on the heat
o Wisconsinites plant gardens
· +40 / +4
o Californians shiver uncontrollably
o Wisconsinites sunbathe
· +35 / +2
o Italian cars don’t start
· +32 / 0
o Distilled water freezes
· +30 / -1
o You can see your breath
o You plan a vacation in Florida
o Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
o Wisconsinites eat ice cream
· +25 / -4
o Boston water freezes
o Californians weep pitiably
o Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
· +20 / -7
o Cleveland water freezes
o San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
o Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
· +15 / -10
o You plan a vacation in Acapulco
o Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
o Wisconsinites go swimming
· +10 / -12
o Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
o Too cold to snow
o You need jumper cables to get the car going
· 0 / -18
o New York landlords turn on the heat
o Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!
· -5 / -21
o You can hear your breath
o You plan a vacation in Hawaii
· -10 / -23
o American cars don’t start
o Too cold to skate
· -15 / -26
o You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
o Miamians cease to exist
o Wisconsinites lick flagpoles
· -20 / -29
o Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
o Politicians actually do something about the homeless
o People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
· -25 / -32
o Too cold to kiss
o You need jumper cables to get the driver going
o Japanese cars don’t start
o Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training
· -30 / -34
o You plan a two-week hot bath
o Pilsener freezes
o Bock beer production begins
o Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
· -38 / -39
o Mercury freezes
o Too cold to think
o Wisconsinites button top button
· -40 / -40
o Californians disappear
o Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
o Wisconsinites put on sweaters
· -50 / -46
o Congressional hot air freezes
o Alaskans close the bathroom window
o Green Bay Packers practice indoors
· -60 / -51
o Walruses abandon Aleutians
o Sign on Mount St. Helens: “Closed for the Season”
o Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens
o Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
· -70 / -57
o Glaciers in Central Park
o Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
o Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
· -80 / -62
o Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
o Rhinelander Birkebeiner
o Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
· -90 / -68
o Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
o Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
o Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer
· -100 / -73
o Santa Claus abandons North Pole
o Wisconsinites pull down earflaps
· -173 / -114
o Ethyl alcohol freezes
o Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans
· -297 / -183
o Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
o Microbial life survives only on dairy products
· -445 / -265
o Superconductivity
· -452 / -269
o Helium becomes a liquid
· -454 / -270
o Hell freezes over
· -456 / -271
o Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
· -458 / -272
o Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
· -460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
o All atomic motion ceases
o Wisconsinites allow as to how it’s getting a mite nippy

Dammit, can we bring some o’ that down here??!?!?!?! (grrr)

Denizens, today’s tidbit is from the Grab-Bag&#153.&#160 Enjoy.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If we assume that:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

Mheh.

Looks like it’s gonna be a One-Legged Man&#153 kinda day, Denizens, so here’s something from the Grab-Bag&#153:&#160 Two cows.

• A CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
• A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
• A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
• A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow at five times the market price cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
• A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with sour, soy milk.
• A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
• DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was given to him by the American government.
• CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
• BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
• AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
• A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
• A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
• A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eats once a month, and milk themselves.
• AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
• A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
• A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
• A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others.
• A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
• AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

Yeah, sounds about right.

Denizens, today was one of those days where I could find nothing in the news that: 1) I was passionate enough to write about, and 2) hadn’t already been covered by Emperor Misha.

Hence, for your reading pleasure, here’s something out of the Grab-Bag&#153.&#160 Not sure who wrote it, but it’s good reading nonetheless.

Got this in the old e mail today, while I don’t agree with some of it, it is amusing.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.

I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy *** through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpson’s, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my *** through a long winter?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry *** if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your *** over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I ‘m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

Amen & amen.

The lease on Bent Tree Forest is up in six weeks, so it’s time for the Great Apartment Hunt of 2005&#153.

I’ll be out pretty much all day, so here’s something from the Grab-Bag&#153:

QUIZ FOR PROFESSIONALS

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be “professional”.

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2.How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4.There is a river you must cross, but crocodiles inhabit it. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Andersen Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals have less brains than that of a four year old.

No kidding.

Okay, Denizens, it’s another One-Legged Man&#153 day, so here’s something out of the Grab-Bag&#153 that I think is rather appropriate.

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