Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

Denizens, your homework assignment to start the week is to read this.&#160 It’s a well-written work of fiction from Matt Bracken over at Western Rifle Shooters.

Or is it…?

Denizens, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ve no doubt become attuned to the new dance craze sweeping YouTube – “Gangnam Style”.

The Emperor has judged a competition of sorts over at the Rott.

Of course, you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen it in the original Klingon…

Mheh.&#160

For your Sunday, Denizens – and since I know that at least some&#160 of youse guys (mheh) will be doing this this weekend – a short primer on the art of changing oil.

Below the fold, ’cause it’s kinda long – but a good read and always well worth your time, because I said so.&#160

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT

Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00

TOTAL $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT

Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00

TOTAL — $4165.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT

Snort.&#160

Denizens, we start this week with something out of the Grab Bag&#153, courtesy of the Sibling Unit&#153, who just sent this to me.

Dear Airlines:


Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell!!

They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “partyatmosphere” going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Well, if that doesn’t jump-start the aviation industry…&#160

We start my Glorious Week of Vacation&#153 with a Grab-Bag&#153 item, courtesy of the Sibling Unit&#153.

Subject: Fwd: Electric Fence

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Mheh.&#160

Oh, snap.

(Hat tip:&#160 Former LENSnetter Bob Blaylock.)

Denizens, while I’m trying to figure how I’m gonna pull my ass out of a 300-million megaton warp-core explosion (grin), why don’t you guys go have a look at how Iowahawk positively excoriated Bambi’s new girlfriend “Julia”.

Trust me, it’s that good.

In all the hubbub surrounding the Trayvon Martin-George (Jorge?) Zimmerman brouhaha, there has been (to put it mildly) a lot of noise.

Reports, opinions, accusations, denials, threats – you name it, it’s out there.

I found the following (below the fold) on this thread here.&#160 And before NJ.com scrubs it, I’m presenting it here for you.

The commenter seems to have done a most impressive job of investigating.

DrBID April 01, 2012 at 12:06PM
Follow

SKITTLES, OMISSIONS, AND OUTRIGHT LIES
An Examination of the Trayvon Martin case

Like most people, I first came across this case watching the news in mid to early March. The narrative presented was, “innocent black child (Trayvon Martin) carrying only Skittles and an Ice Tea while walking home hunted down by white racist neighborhood watch leader (George Zimmerman), pleads for help and then is executed in cold blood”.

I was then told that the child was a “A / B student, who never got in trouble, who wanted to be an Aviator”. I was informed that the “White Racist Killer” was previously arrested.

I even saw the pictures of a cute little boy who was the victim, and then shown a mug shot of the heavy set man who executed him.

My first reaction was how terrible, but knowing our lazy liberal media, the story was just too one-sided, even for their standards. I then saw that the Race baiting Al Sharpton was getting involved, and for me, sent smoke signals that something just wasn’t right.

At that point, the liberal outlets like MSNBC, AP, CNN, NBC and others unleashed an all-out onslaught against George Zimmerman. Even our current president, Obama had to “stupidly” get involved. The politics and racialization of this incident has driven this story, more than the actual facts.

On the very first day at looking at this story, what obviously struck me was the mug shot of George Zimmerman. I was told that he was a “white racist”, but after looking at the picture, I was looking at a Hispanic male. Not that it mattered, but it started a trail of half-truths, mistruths, and omissions that have plagued this story.

Next, after being shown a picture of the Trayvon Martin, and being told he was a child, I naturally thought, like most people who got sucked into this story, that he was about 10 to 12 years old. When I found out that he was 17, I started to feel really misled.

As the days proceeded, the race baiting Martin camp would release a new revelation every night. Each and every bit of information that they would present turns of to be completely false or misrepresented.

Many who have been on NJ.com have seen my “Facts” post. This is a compilation of facts that were never presented to the public, however, all of these facts were public information and available for the liberal media to present. They chose not to present it. So outlets like MSNBC, CNN, AP, and the rest of the liberal media have decided to present a ONE-SIDED representation of this story. You may want to ask why…

I am now presenting a new list. This is a list of all the false information that has been presented by the Martin camp, and NOT challenged by the Liberal media. In fact, they promoted this false information.

The goal of this list is for you the reader, to understand how you have been manipulated by a corrupt group of media, race baiters and politicians. If you show any sign of intelligence, you might want to stop and question anything these people ever say again.

You also rethink of voting for politicians who jumped into this fray – like OBAMA!!!

Here is the list. Each item is sourced. If you can challenge anything that I have listed, please do so…

1) Why did they lie to you by portraying that Martin was a Child?
FACT: Martin was 17 years old, a high school Junior.

2) Why did they continue to paint the picture that Martin was a child by showing 5 to 10 year old pictures?
FACT: More recent pictures of the 6’3” Martin show him with Gold teeth and many tattoos. These pictures have been available to the media, so why did they continue to show pictures of Martin as a little child?

3) Why did they say that Martin did NOTHING wrong, but carry “Skittles and an Ice tea”?
FACT: “Nothing wrong” means NOTHING. However, not once in the early stages of this story did they mention a fight. Martin’s father and all the race baiters knew about the facts surrounding Zimmerman’s defense and the eyewitness statements that Martin was hitting Zimmerman. How do we know that, because Martin’s father recently disclosed that the Police provided him the entire details of their investigation, which included that Martin had struck Zimmerman. Again, why did they not reveal that very important part of the story?

4) Why did they lie that it was Trayvon Martin screaming?
FACT: After the 911 tapes were released, some of the tapes caught the screams of someone yelling help. Team Trayvon was quick to claim the screams were of Trayvon. They eve trotted out Trayvon’s mother to say that was her son’s voice. Further, they trotted out a “Witness” who claimed that the voice was the “child” who was screaming. As it turns out, that witness did NOT see anything, she just heard it assumed that it was the voice of a child. Again, not realizing that Trayvon Martin was a young adult and not realizing that Zimmerman had a high pitched voice.

5) Why did they lie that Zimmerman fired two shots?
FACT: This is another interesting part to this case. According to Team Trayvon, they floated the story that Zimmerman hunted down Trayvon, and fired a warning shot which made poor Trayvon stop. Now while at gun point, Trayvon was pleading for help. At that point, Zimmerman fired a second shot, thus executing Trayvon. This fallacy was quickly quelled when the police reported that tests conclusively showed that only one bullet was fired.

6) Why did they lie that all the witnesses complained that the police changed their statements?
FACT: There were 5 witnesses who came forward and made statements the night of the shooting. All the witnesses corroborated Zimmerman’s story the night of the shooting. Some of those witnesses saw more than others, some didn’t see anything. Only two were eyewitnesses, with one being the person who was witnessed the most and was the closest to the incident. His story has NOT changed one iota, and completely finds Zimmerman innocent. One witness has changed her story. See item 7.

7) Why did they lie when they brought forward a “witness” Mary Cutcher who claimed that Trayvon was the person screaming help.
FACT: team Trayvon trotted out Ms. Cutcher during one of their many press conferences. Ms. Cutcher claimed that the police “Blew off” her statements. The truth came out about Ms. Cutcher that she never saw ANYTHING. In her own words, she never saw any part of the incident. She only thought that because the screams she thought were coming from a “CHILD”? Ms. Cutcher, further claimed that she “KNEW this was not self-defense. There was no punching, no hitting going on at the time, no wrestling… it’s no excuse to kill an unarmed teenager who is half his size.”. I remind you that according to her own statements, she never saw anything!!! If she didn’t see anything, why would she claim that Trayvon was half the size of Zimmerman, which was untrue. This is why the police discounted her statement.

8. Why did they lie that the Zimmerman was twice the size of Martin?
FACT: George Zimmerman was a 28 years old, 5’9″ and 170 lbs. Trayvon Martin was 17 years old, 6’3″ and 160 lbs. They were using the photo imagery to paint this narrative. Again, completely false!!!

9) Why did they say that Trayvon was a “A” student that never got into trouble at school?
FACT: Trayvon Martin had been suspended three times in this school year alone. The last suspension, which is the reason he was visiting his father, was for 10 days. He was suspended from school in October in an incident in which he was found in possession of women’s jewelry and a screwdriver that a schools security staffer described as a “burglary tool”. So much for the “A” student that never got in trouble…

10) Why did they lie that Zimmerman stalked down Martin, and while Martin was pleading for his life, Zimmerman shot him in cold blood?
FACT: Two eyewitnesses reported that the person screaming for their life was MAN wearing a RED top. And that he was being assaulted. The person heard screaming for his life was George Zimmerman because he was the one wearing a RED sweatshirt.

11) Why did they not report that Trayvon’s girlfriend has not cooperated with the Police Investigation?
FACT: As of this writing, Trayvon’s girlfriend continues to refuse to cooperate with Police. Only Team Trayvon and their one-sided representation of what she told them was reported.

12) Why did they lie that Zimmerman was on Patrol when he wasn’t?
FACT: Zimmerman was running a personal errand the night of the incident. He was not on his watch duty. He was licensed to carry a concealed weapon for personal protection. He had been the victim of crime twice before. He was driving home and saw a suspicious person in his neighborhood. He was acting as a private citizen. He has the right to call, get out of his car, walk, run or do anything he wants, WITHOUT THE RISK of being attacked by someone else.

13) Why didn’t they admit that Trayvon was caught pot residue and suspended for 10 days?
FACT: Trayvon Martin was portrayed as the perfect little school child. In the 911 tapes, Zimmerman suggested that the person he was looking at was on drugs. First, Trayvon Martin was far from the picture they painted. Second, we still don’t have toxicology reports on him. Could he have been high when Zimmerman saw him? Also, could of the drug use have contributed to Tryvon’s attack on Zimmerman? More to come…

14) Why haven’t they revealed that Trayvon was caught with what appears to be stolen jewelry and flathead screwdriver in his backpack at school?
FACT: WOW, now this is an interesting revelation. Here, Zimmerman indicated that this person acted suspicious. With this is information, it is definitely not outside the realm of possibility that Trayvon Martin was actually “casing” the neighborhood. I wonder if Obama’s look-a-like son also has the same behavior problems…

15) Why did they lie that George Zimmerman uttered a Racial slur in his 911 call?
FACT: Even liberal CNN had to refute this claim as they had an audio expert try to enhance the audio. The bottom line is the race baiters heard jibberish, and made up whatever they wanted to hear. Just another example of how these people will LIE to sway public opinion.

16) Why is the media making it seem 100% conclusive that the voice screaming for help is not George Zimmerman?
FACT: The Orlando Sentinel claims they worked with two experts to determine that the voice on the 911 is not Zimmerman, as it only matched with a rate of 48%. The expert indicated that he had to enhance, edit, remove portions on the one 911 tape. What they didn’t reveal are some interesting observations. First, there is no way to really now unless you have a comparative analysis with Trayvon Martin’s voice. Wouldn’t be interesting if they found no match with his voice… Second, voices can change under stress because of the surge of adrenaline. Under stress voice pitches can distort sounding higher than normal. Zimmerman’s voice on the 911 call is low and hushed, which in itself is a distortion of his real voice. Under the two extremes, low and hushed and screaming, there is simply no way to say absolutely that the voice on the 911 call is Zimmerman’s but neither can you say with certainty that it’s not. Again, the only real evidence to say it was Zimmerman is “John” the only eye-witness who saw Martin on top of Zimmerman and heard and saw Zimmerman calling for help.

—

Now, given the propensity of the media to be in the hip pocket of the Libtard Left, and given Sharpton/Jackson/Bambi/Spike Lee’s collective penchant for race-baiting…do you get the feeling we’re being played?

I sure as Hell do.

Well, Denizens, I’ve gotta do something to get my blood pressure under control, seeing as Roger Goodfella’s No Fair League can’t be arsed to hire full-time zebras who would be somewhat more than fairly competent to know the difference between a busted route & intentional grounding…

…so here, to try to get us all in a better mood today, comes this from Ronaldus Magnus:

Enjoy.

General Claus’ Visit

To: All Personnel

_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.

_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2011.

_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.

_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.

_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 2005, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.

_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.

_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”


_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2011, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.

_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.

__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
Colonel, US
OIC, Special Services

Stop the presses!

I can’t believe this is happening!!!

If/when this shows up in the papers, it’ll probably be in six-inch “2nd coming” type!!!!!

This is abso-fucking-lutely in-fucking-credible!!!1!!ONE!!1!!1ELEVENTYTEEN!!1~1

Spread the word.&#160

(Hat tip to a co-worker of mine, who shall remain nameless. (And is probably eternally grateful for it.))

Got this from a friend o’ mine off o’ Facebook Hell&#153…

I know, I know…the Vicar’s having a Facepalm Moment&#153 Right About Now&#153…&#160

Got this from Denizen & fellow blogger Alan K. Henderson:

Proving yet again that Alan Does Not Have Enough To Do&#153.&#160

(Hat tip Alan K. Henderson.)

Ew.

Just, ew.

(sigh) Jedi scum…&#160

And in the interests of equality & fair play…and because the Southern Command&#153 insisted (grin)…

Tech Support Log

Girlfriend Upgrade

Subject: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please???

Thanks, Joe

——————

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so that, in the end, nothing would be gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their actual cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the Esc key because — ultimately-you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support.

Although, if you ask me, I’m going for Secretary 38.22.35 myself…

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast iron skillet):&#160 KA-BONNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!

…uh, ow…&#160