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Denizens, your homework assignment to start the week is to read this.  It’s a well-written work of fiction from Matt Bracken over at Western Rifle Shooters.

Or is it…?

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Denizens, if you’ve been paying attention, you’ve no doubt become attuned to the new dance craze sweeping YouTube – “Gangnam Style”.

The Emperor has judged a competition of sorts over at the Rott.

Of course, you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen it in the original Klingon…

Mheh. 

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For your Sunday, Denizens – and since I know that at least some  of youse guys (mheh) will be doing this this weekend – a short primer on the art of changing oil.

Below the fold, ’cause it’s kinda long – but a good read and always well worth your time, because I said so. 

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Denizens, we start this week with something out of the Grab Bag™, courtesy of the Sibling Unit™, who just sent this to me.

Dear Airlines:


Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell!!

They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “partyatmosphere” going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Well, if that doesn’t jump-start the aviation industry… 

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We start my Glorious Week of Vacation™ with a Grab-Bag™ item, courtesy of the Sibling Unit™.

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Oh, snap.

(Hat tip:  Former LENSnetter Bob Blaylock.)

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Denizens, while I’m trying to figure how I’m gonna pull my ass out of a 300-million megaton warp-core explosion (grin), why don’t you guys go have a look at how Iowahawk positively excoriated Bambi’s new girlfriend “Julia”.

Trust me, it’s that good.

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In all the hubbub surrounding the Trayvon Martin-George (Jorge?) Zimmerman brouhaha, there has been (to put it mildly) a lot of noise.

Reports, opinions, accusations, denials, threats – you name it, it’s out there.

I found the following (below the fold) on this thread here.  And before NJ.com scrubs it, I’m presenting it here for you.

The commenter seems to have done a most impressive job of investigating.

Aw, come on! Is that all you got?! >

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Well, Denizens, I’ve gotta do something to get my blood pressure under control, seeing as Roger Goodfella’s No Fair League can’t be arsed to hire full-time zebras who would be somewhat more than fairly competent to know the difference between a busted route & intentional grounding…

…so here, to try to get us all in a better mood today, comes this from Ronaldus Magnus:

Enjoy.

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General Claus’ Visit

To: All Personnel

_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.

_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2011.

_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.

_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.

_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 2005, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.

_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.

_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”


_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2011, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.

_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.

__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
Colonel, US
OIC, Special Services

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Stop the presses!

I can’t believe this is happening!!!

If/when this shows up in the papers, it’ll probably be in six-inch “2nd coming” type!!!!!

This is abso-fucking-lutely in-fucking-credible!!!1!!ONE!!1!!1ELEVENTYTEEN!!1~1

Spread the word. 

(Hat tip to a co-worker of mine, who shall remain nameless. (And is probably eternally grateful for it.))

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Got this from a friend o’ mine off o’ Facebook Hell™…

I know, I know…the Vicar’s having a Facepalm Moment™ Right About Now™… 

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Got this from Denizen & fellow blogger Alan K. Henderson:

Proving yet again that Alan Does Not Have Enough To Do™. 

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(Hat tip Alan K. Henderson.)

Ew.

Just, ew.

(sigh) Jedi scum… 

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And in the interests of equality & fair play…and because the Southern Command™ insisted (grin)…

Tech Support Log

Girlfriend Upgrade

Subject: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please???

Thanks, Joe

——————

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so that, in the end, nothing would be gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their actual cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the Esc key because — ultimately-you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support.

Although, if you ask me, I’m going for Secretary 38.22.35 myself…

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast iron skillet):  KA-BONNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!

…uh, ow… 

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