Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

A little weekend frivolity for you, Denizens.

Got this from a co-worker yesterday:

Installing a husband


Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, Fishing 7.2, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0. (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program-this will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Oh, really?&#160

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

Hot Lingerie 7.7?!?!?!

Hell, boys – your software’s waaaaaaaaaay&#160 outta date!

The recommended Hot Lingerie app minimum&#160 is version 40.23.36!&#160

Yet another holiday tradition hits us here at the Realm&#153, Denizens – the annual visit by everyone’s favorite General, the fat guy who wears all the red.&#160

Usually it’s a round-robin between Supreme General Rayegun, David Hartung and myself, each of us taking turns posting it, and the other two linking thereto.&#160 However, given that (even though each of them still have their own little corner of cyberspace Rayegun’s place is still intact) we’re all in one place now, it seems fitting that I tack the bulletin to the board.&#160 Raise the flag and see who salutes, as it were.

Besides – it’s my turn, anyway.&#160

(More to the point, neither the General nor the Vicar have volunteered to do the honors, so…)

And, wonder of wonders – this year, it’ll even be formatted properly.&#160 (Well – mostly, anyway.&#160 &#160 )

General Claus’ Visit

To: All Personnel

_1._ An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 1998. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit:

_a._ Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office of OSURG, Veterinary Services.

_b._ Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2009. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2009.

_c._ Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the servicing dining facility.

_d._ Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1996, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.

_e._ At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1995, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.

_f._ Prior to 2400, 24 December 2009, all personnel will be assigned “Wondering Eye” stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.

_g. _ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus’ driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.”

_2._ MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2009, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-In.

_3._ Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” This shout will be given on termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.

__CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE__
Colonel, US
OIC, Special Services

At ease, troops.&#160

Denizens, I’m undertaking a long, convoluted project – something that, what with the advent of flash & external drives, I should’ve done a long time ago.

That’s right.&#160 I’m transferring all the stuff on all the floppy disks I’ve ever collected over to USB hardware.

A monumental task, to be sure – but one that will, hopefully, be of some benefit sometime down the road.

In so doing, however, I’ve come across something that I saved from back in the old BBS days that you might like to see again.

(Hat tip Glenn Joyner.)

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat’s back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That’s right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat’s limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn’t do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device.

One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?

I offer a modest proposal:

We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won’t go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide.

This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

Mheh.&#160

KORRIOTH:&#160 You find that amusing?&#160 How do you think my people first made it off of Qo’noS?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Well, yeah – given your aversion to spaghetti sauce & Tide&#169, I can see that…

To start the week off with a smile, Denizens, I give you one that, believe it or not, I got from a liberal at Cap’n John Doe’s place.

Spew warnings.

An olde Army buddy of mine just started a new business making landmines that look like prayer rugs.

It’s doing well, He says “Prophets are going through the roof…!”

[rim shot]

Today’s blurb comes from the GrabBag&#153, courtesy of LC Rurik, who got it from one of his email friends via Australian Shooter Magazine&#160 this past week.

“If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

Damned straight.

Honk if you’ve seen this Hummer!

Gotta love it!!!

(Hat tip LC Gladiator.)

This just in…

FORT WORTH, TX—In what has become a well-known thought amongst conservatives, has finally been released in a study by medical science. Today, the Declamatory Institute for Advanced Liberal Scientific Studies released its new survey to startling results for many Americans. The main focus of the study was to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that liberals lack any sort of reproductive organs. Even conservative women have long since wondered if liberal men were indeed eunuchs, but now, medical science has emphatically declared, “YES!”

After weeks of intensive study, the Declamatory Institute found that liberal men have no testicles, and little or no penis. The study also confirmed that the lack of any sort of genitalia was proportionately represented by the size and growth of government. At least that’s what the Department Head Of Liberal Genitalia Studies at Hillsdale College Doctor Mai T. Schlong thought.

“What we found,” declared Doctor Schlong, “is that smaller or non-existant genitalia on a liberal male led directly to a more ardent belief in a larger and expanding federal government. In short…liberal men with no penises were using government to give them the feeling that they actually had a penis—something conservative men already know.”

The study found that 99% of all liberal men had tiny penises and no testicles, making them incapable of reproduction. “During this study,” added Dr. Schlong, “I came to the conclusion that liberal women must reproduce asexually. That’s the only explanation for liberals conceiving children. Look at Helen Thomas…she’s the perfect example of asexual reproduction. She’s so ugly that she wears a paper bag when she puts on makeup in the morning.”

Some of the people included in the study were Rep. Barney Frank, Senator Al Franken, Senator John Kerry, David Axelrod, and Robert Gibbs. According to the study, the higher the liberal climbed in government, the smaller the genitalia, and the larger the appetite for an expanding federal government.

“I’ve always known it,” noted Dr. Schlong. “But this study affirms that liberals have no balls. Maybe this would explain Barney Frank. He’s always in need of…well…you know.”

Written by electivedecisions

Hee hee hee…&#160

(ED. NOTE:&#160 Was gonna put this in last night, but because the General bailed my ass out again… (grin)&#160 Thank you, sir.)

Denizens, because it’s an oldie-but-goodie and funny as hell, and because I don’t have squat about which I wanna write tonight, LC Rurik has provided us with some entertainment for the evening.

Dial-up Denizens, it’ll take a while.

Oh, and it’s Not Safe For Work&#153.&#160 Just sayin’.

If I lived in ‘Bama, I’d join the chorus that Smurf Turf State can’t win shit&#160 playing straight-up football…

KORRIOTH:&#160 Ahem.

VENOMOUS:&#160 ???

KORRIOTH:&#160 Little early for that.

…uh, wait.&#160 Wrong post.

If I lived in ‘Bama, I’d vote for this guy:

(Hat tip to Allahpundit, via a “buzzworthy” link from Michelle.)

What is this, THREE posts????

VENOMOUS:  Actually, it looks more like two  t’me, but let’s just humor him, mkay? 

SG RAYEGUN: Three this month.  Or do you have to have Korrioth explain it to you AGAIN how to count past TWO? {G,D & R!}

Yeah, I know….this one is from the Grab Bag™ as well so it’s not a new one.  But given all the wonk-ery going on over there on the Left Coast it does have some current relevancy. 

Without further ado, here are the Rules for Kickin’ Ass (for the non-military):

Dear Civilians,

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.

For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem – kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest – kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be ‘Special Forces’. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, “Do you fly a jet?” Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard “non-military”, inform them of their mistake – and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her – of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

8. Don’t try to discuss politics with a military member or veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief (CinC). The President (for those who didn’t know) is our CinC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet.
All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.

9. “Your mama wears combat boots” never made sense to me – stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying “Let’s go kill those Commies!” And stop asking us where he is!  Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me – if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!

11. “Flyboy or Zoomie” (Air Force), “Jarhead” (Marines), “Grunt” (Army), “Squid” (Navy), “Puddle Jumpers” (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it’s ass kicked.

It’s the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the “freedom of the press”.

It’s the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the “freedom of speech”.

It’s the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the “freedom to demonstrate”.

It’s the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

AND ONE MORE:

13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in Spanish – KICK THEIR ASS. (and no, that is NOT being racist….if you think it is you need to have YOUR ASS KICKED!)

ONE LAST THING:
WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! and that we must never forget that

IN GOD WE TRUST

ThatIsAll™

Yup, another post….in less than a month….shocking I know.

Not anything new really, just some things from the Grab Bag™ is all.  Here’s the first.

If you cross the NORTH KOREAN border illegally, you get 12 years hard labor.

If you go into CHINA illegally, you’re considered a spy and get hard prison time.

If you stop over in GERMANY illegally, you get a hefty fine, work it off or pay it off, then get deported.

If you go in to ENGLAND illegally, you are immediately jailed and then deported.

If you cross the IRANIAN border illegally, you are detained indefinitely.

BUT, if you cross the border and come in to the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA illegally, you get:

    1.  A driver’s license
    2.  A Social Security Card
    3.  Welfare
    4.  Food Stamps, and
    5.  Free Health Care?

Does that seem right to you?  I guess I still don’t understand why it seems proper to those in D.C.  Here’s a thought that DOES make sense though:

GO GREEN!!    RECYCLE CONGRESS!!!!

Nothing I really wanna write about tonight, Denizens, so we’ll reach into the Grab-Bag&#153 for a Rott comment from angrywebmaster:

I posted this on my web site. I got it from the Author Tom Kratman.

The Left’s 20 Rules of Racism:

1. If you believe that general intelligence exists, is heritable and at all testable for, you’re a racist.

2. If you point out that liberal philosophies and programs intended to have a good impact have had a disproportionately bad impact on the ethnicities targeted by liberals, you’re a racist.

3. If you notice that other cultures have some problems, you’re a racist.

4. If you notice your own culture has had some successes, you’re a racist.

5. If you try to identify subcultural problems, you’re a racist. If the problems existed or got worse under liberalism, see item 2, above.

6. If you’re mainstream American culture, and don’t hate that culture, you’re a racist.

7. If you’re capable of noting unpleasant facts about subcultures and discussing them without your brain fogging, you’re a racist.

8. If you won’t kowtow and grovel as soon as someone accuses you of racism for one of the reasons above or below, you’re a hopeless racist.

9. If you do not believe that mankind is a tabula rasa for liberals to make whatever they think would be good to make of man, this week, you’re a racist.

10. If you don’t take personal responsibility for all the evils of slavery, you’re a racist. This is true even if you only arrived from Poland last week.

11. If you’re white, you’re a racist.

12. If you’re white and just arrived from Poland last week and don’t accept that you’re a racist, you’re a racist.

13. If you try to interject logical thought into a discussion of culture, you’re a racist.

14. If you refuse to admit culture is a racial matter, and a liberal wants to conflate the two, you’re a racist.

15. If you believe that race and culture are indistinguishable and a liberal decides that you shouldn’t conflate the two, you’re a racist.

16. If you believe that black or Hispanic girls who are paid by liberal inspired programs from the age of 13 to have babies will have babies, you’re a racist.

17. If you believe that _any_ girls of whatever color who are paid to have babies will then have babies but then, insensitively, observe that a smaller percentage of white girls do, certainly because they haven’t been targeted for as much “help” from liberals, you’re a racist.

18. If it doesn’t bother you that the truth offends liberals, you’re a racist.

19. If your name is Tom Kratman and you write and in your writing your heroes and heroines tend to be from minorities while your villains are white liberals, you’re still a racist.

20. If you read The Bell Curve, you’re a racist. On the other hand, if you didn’t read it but wrote a scathing review on Amazon anyway you might not be a racist provided you take personal responsibility for 300 years of slavery even if you just arrived from Poland last week.

So there you have it. The Left’s 20 rules of Racism.

Many thanks, sir…even if I did&#160 swipe it.&#160

Denizens, this Grab-Bag&#153 item comes to us, courtesy of…the Stepmother Unit&#153.&#160

SCIENCE LESSON

Discovery Announcement ~ The densest element in the known universe has been found!

Pelosium:

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is Pu.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

Mheh.&#160

Was kinda wondering, Denizens, what I was going to do for tonight’s entry.

Y’see, Mrs. Venomous has me…hanging curtains.&#160 (Don’t laugh.&#160 Our bunk is on the top floor of our loft, and we’ve got a couple of Gen-Y pussies back behind us that have no qualms about walking by our windows to get to their own loft.&#160 (Long story.&#160 Short version is, these curtains are needed in the Worst Way&#153.))

So I go to check email – and lo & behold, LC Rurik of the Rott has taken care of it for me.

Enjoy.

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn’t attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named “America’s sweetheart”; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)…while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone’s mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife’s wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more…especially after Sandra speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!
You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.

~Tiger Woods

All together now:&#160

The Sibling Unit&#153 sends me this one:

“Dear Lord,

This past year you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite angel, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays.

I just wanted to let you know, God, that Barrack Obama is my favorite President. Amen.”

Mheh.&#160