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Well, well, well.&#160 How the mighty&#160 have fallen.

EXCLUSIVE: Lindsay Lohan in Tears: I’m in “Absolute Hell”

In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the “humiliating” weekend showdown with Ronson’s family, and says that friends’ fears she is suicidal are unfounded.

Hm.&#160 I guess your breasts are no longer a “really big hit” with the aforementioned Ms. Ronson, are they?

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)

The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson’s mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.

Particularly when she’s driving.

Especially&#160 when she’s driving.&#160

Lohan says she’s “so alone” without Ronson.

“Everyone’s turned on me,” says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, b—h.”

Well, slut-ola, maybe folks have just had it up past&#160 the proverbial “here” by your diva-based bullshit act.&#160 Certainly folks like me had enough of your Schitty Schtale Schtick&#153 a helluva&#160 long time ago, y’know?

Here’s a clue, bimbo:&#160 Stop trying to pattern your life after Britney & Paris & Mary-Kate and all the rest of the teen diva bitches.&#160 Try going back to the wholesome girl from the Disney flicks you were in before your breasts&#160 became “a really big hit”.

In other words, stop being a fucking brat.

And another thing:&#160 Give up the lezbo BS.&#160 No mother is going to want their little girl to emulate that.&#160 Make the choice – yes, Lindsay, it’s a choice; don’t argue, you can’t win – to go back to being attracted to guys.&#160 We’ll appreciate you a lot more, trust me.&#160 So will the rest of the world.

The choice is yours, Lohan.&#160 Try to make a good one this time.

The Department of Way Too Much Damned Information&#153 brings us this retch-inducing piece of trivia.

The quote itself will go below the fold, just because I at least have some&#160 compassion for my Denizens.

Well, at least now she knows how we feel about her.

I see here that the Union Of Mentally, Psychologically, Emotionally And Politically Challenged People Who Earn Money By Reading Other Peoples’ Writings&#153 is about to go on strike.

The Screen Actors Guild said Saturday it will ask its members to authorize a strike after its first contract talks in four months with Hollywood studios failed despite the help of a federal mediator.

Federal mediator Juan Carlos Gonzalez adjourned the talks between SAG and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers shortly before 1 a.m. after two marathon sessions failed to produce an agreement. No new talks are scheduled.

The SAG, representing more than 120,000 actors in movies, television and other media, said in a statement that it will launch a “full-scale education campaign in support of a strike authorization.”

All together now…

Boy howdy, things have surely been going most swimmingly for Liberal Lesbian Loon&#153 Lindsay Lohan since she dissed Sarah Palin and outed her own ass, haven’t they?

Just as her career was getting back on track, Lindsay Lohan suffered two setbacks. The actress’ guest role on “Ugly Betty” was cut short reportedly due to conflicts with series star America Ferrera. Lohan was also sued by three men for the wild car chase that led to her arrest in 2007.

What you sow, Lohan, what you sow…&#160

In what absolutely must&#160 be regarded as simply earth-shattering&#160 news – which is to say, no big surprise since this came to light – Louise Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie-Did I Leave Anyone Out? and her second-latest boy-toy are splitsville.

In other news, the sun rose in the east, water was found to still be wet, and Demoscum were still found to be cowardly little pussies.

Film at 11.&#160

(Hat tip HDD, with thanks.)

On Sundays, Denizens, as you all well know, I love to watch football.&#160 And since the C’boys are an NFC team, that usually – not always, but usually – means that I’m watching them on Fox.

Of course, after the game, I’m usually pretty quick to turn the channel over to NBC to watch Madden & Michaels, even if I do&#160 have to put up a bit with Keith Olberdouche.

But even if that weren’t the case, I’m always loathe to keep the channel on Fox after football, simply because their animated lineup sucks blue balls.&#160 I’ve never seen the point of The Simpsons&#160 (except for their couch scene during opening credits, which changes from week to week and is occasionally pretty funny); King of the Hill&#160 is an animated version of Everybody Loves Raymond&#160 with regards to their humor quotient (which is to say, it doesn’t have a whole lot thereof), and American Dad&#160 is a parody which I, quite honestly, find offensive.

Then there’s Family Guy.

On Oct. 5, Fox’s Sunday night cartoon debuted an episode titled “I Dream of Jesus,” a play on “I Dream of Jeannie.” Get it? Jesus is a fairy tale, like a genie in a bottle. The title character, Peter Griffin, wanders into a record shop, where he finds Jesus Christ minding the store. Jesus lies to Peter, trying to deny who he is, until Peter threatens to urinate on the albums of Christian artist Amy Grant. Jesus comes clear on his identity and explains he came to Earth “just to get away from the family … my dad just quit smoking, and he’s a little on edge.” What follows is an entire story that chronicles, in rather amazing fashion, how this lying, slacker Jesus is even dumber than Peter, the greatest idiot on animated television today.

Our Guardians of Social Taste would probably shut “Family Guy” down if it featured Peter Griffin as a demented Buddha, or maybe featured a drunken Mohammed, or God forbid — made fun of Barack Hussein Obama. But Seth MacFarlane hasn’t crossed the Anti-Defamation League, or the Council for American-Islamic Relations, or Obama’s “Fight the Smears” web page.

The difference, of course, being that Christians don’t fly off into a Murderous Rage&#153 at bullshit like this.&#160 Widdle Sethie MacFuckwit isn’t in abject danger of losing his head to a squadron of Christian machete wielders – because no such squad exists.&#160 There will be no Christian fatwa&#160 issued on Widdle Sethie McFuckwit, nor any jihad&#160 declared on him or his fellow anti-Christian bigots.

We’ll just say that, all other things being constant going forward, we hope that Sethie has his asbestos undies packed.&#160 He’ll likely need them where he’s going.

(Hat tip:&#160 LC Sig94.)

We got cats sleeping with dogs, raining toasters, the sun rising in the West, pigs flying, the whole nine yards:&#160 A liberal finally gets it:

If a Bush-bashing, Republican-hating nincompoop like Alec Baldwin understands that Democrats are responsible for the current financial crisis, and is willing to say so on national television, why can’t America’s so-called “real” journalists?

Although it seems unlikely that Baldwin watches “The Factor,” it is awfully coincidental that roughly 24 hours after Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly tore Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) apart for his role in propping up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the typically inept Baldwin, appearing on HBO’s “Real Time,” not only pointed fingers at Frank for the current crisis, but also blamed former President Clinton and fellow Democrats.

[…]

BALDWIN: I’m gonna rape you…The, the thing we have to remember, a friend of mine who is very close to the financial community in New York pointed out that Democrats have a lot of the responsibility for this as well. I mean, it was Clinton who killed the Glass-Steagall, and it happened under a Democratic president. Barney Frank and his committee, they, they kept propping up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac saying everything’s fine, everything’s fine, everything’s good. And it was his job to know everything wasn’t fine. And Barney Frank let you down and let us down as well. And so, but I want to say there’s blame to go both ways. But I will say, I want to, I maybe keep beating this to death, but I still think anyone in this Congress who voted to add $140 billion to that bill, they should be ashamed of themselves. That is a disgrace. It’s a disgrace. This Congress is a disgrace, Democrat and Republican.

Remember, guys, this is the same Alec Baldwin who once threatened to leave the US if Bush got elected.

Damn.&#160 Just, damn.&#160

Clay Aiken is a heterophobe.

In other news, the sun rose in the east, water is wet, some dogs bite and Demoscum are lying little pussy bitches.

And on a related note, Lindsay Lohan has officially jumped her own personal shark.

So, while Lehman Brothers was busy going belly up, and Merrill Lynch was busy avoiding a similar fate by throwing itself on the mercy of Bank of Illegal Aliens America, and insurance giant AIG was busy suckling at the teat of Uncle Sugar…where in the world was B. HUSSEIN!!!&#160 Obambi?

Why, schmoozing & hobnobbing with the Hollyweird fat-cats and lining his pockets in the process, of course.

Oscar-winning singer and actress Barbra Streisand will perform at a glittering and lucrative Hollywood fundraiser for Democrat Barack Obama Tuesday, aides said.

The White House hopeful will host a dinner costing 28,500 dollars per person in a Beverly Hills mansion, and Streisand will then sing at a reception at the swanky Beverly Wilshire hotel, campaign spokeswoman Jen Psaki said Monday.

Streisand supported Obama’s party rival Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primaries but is now backing the Illinois senator in his hard-fought campaign against Republican John McCain for the November 4 election.

Obama aides declined to say how many people were expected Tuesday, nor which other stars might attend.

And this little soir&#233e was expected to raise a cool $9 XL.&#160 (That’s nine million dollars to you folks in Rio Linda.)

Which raises the question:&#160 If Obambi and the rest of the Leftards are so damned concerned with the Little People&#153 and the Middle Class&#153 and the economy and all, why aren’t they donating some of that scratch to those of us who are a little bit more needy than they are?

How many groceries could middle-class families buy with $9 million?

How many bills could be paid?

How many mortgages could be maintained?

How many foreclosures could be averted?

How many seniors’ prescriptions could be furnished?

How much heating oil could be purchased?&#160 How many people could be saved from freezing to death this winter?

I could go on – but I think you get the point.

Hypocrisy much, you fucking little leftard crapweasels?

And our latest contestant for “Who Wants To Be A Whore For Obama&#153?” is none other than a rehab center’s favorite patient – lesbo slut Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has had enough of Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

“I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin,” the actress wrote on her MySpace blog Sunday.

“I couldn’t be more supportive of a woman in office, but let’s face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female,” Lohan, 22, said. “I feel it’s necessary for me to clarify that I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman.

Whereupon our Limp-wristed Lesbo Lunatic&#153 immediately goes on the attack against the Sarah-cuda – because she’s a woman.

Lohan believes Palin isn’t ready for the job.

“I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor, which is probably all she is qualified to be,” she said.

This is curious, coming from a big-titted rehab-center rat whose only qualifications herself seem to be drunk driving, crashing her car, going in & out of rehab and posing in various men’s magazines in various stages of undress.&#160 I mean, she’s even quoted in Maxim magazine as stating, “My breasts have been a really big hit.”

Hate to tell you this, Lindsay, honey – but I’ve seen lots that are better.&#160 Waayyyyyyyy&#160 better.

Lohan goes on to conclusively prove the matter between her ears is fecal, not grey.

“Oh, and… Hint Hint Pali Pal – Don’t pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!” Lohan added.

Oh, well, HINT HINT, Loose Lindsay&#153 – name me the “tabloid covers” Sarah’s actually, you know, posed&#160 for, hmmmmmmmmmmm???

Take your time.&#160 I’ll wait.

And while we’re waiting, we’ll read a bit further and discover than the Queen of the Tabloid Trollops has, shall we say, come out of the closet a bit.

Lohan said she feels fear, concern, disappointment and stress over Palin. The actress also referenced Palin’s views on homosexuality.

“Is it a sin to be gay?” Lohan asked. “Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?

Well, then, shouldn’t you be supporting her, you dumb bitch?&#160 Or didn’t you hear about Sarah’s daughter Bristol?

You know, for all the Obumblerphiles who keep claiming that John McCain’s supposedly “out of touch”, a lot of them don’t seem to get out very often, eh what?

“Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?” she added.

Ah, here’s where she confirms that she’s a dumb-shit little lesbo slut.&#160 And it seems she’s going to waste her money on a temporary heterophobe marriage, as well:

Actress Lindsay Lohan looks set to marry her DJ girlfriend Samantha Ronson and has been spotted around Los Angeles sporting a huge heart-shaped engagement ring.

Ronson halted her set at a Los Angeles nightclub on Tuesday to declare her love for the actress and insisted she will wed Lohan by the end of the year.

Speaking from her mixing desk at the trendy Chateau Marmont nightclub in Los Angeles, she told clubbers: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson.”

And the other bimboid had this to say concerning the election:

“Vote for obama!” Ronson wrote. “Mainly because if she gets elected my green card probably won’t get renewed!!!

As good a reason as any to vote McCain/Palin.

Gonna be a very bad November for you, isn’t it Lindsay, you ignorant slut?&#160 McCain’s gonna win and&#160 faggot/lesbo marriage is going to be tossed out on its ear in California.

Sucks to be you, Cupid Stunt&#153.&#160

Item:&#160 Earlier this year (UPDATE:&#160 October 2006, according to the All Barack Channel newsguys, but I’m dubious), empty pantsuit media darling-divabitch pop cultural icon Okra Oprah Wimpley Winfrey brought on her program a presidential candidate named B. HUSSEIN!!! Obambi.&#160 Shortly thereafter, Miss Winfrey – smitten in such a way that not even former fianc&#233e Stedman Graham could accomplish – endorsed the Manchurian Muslim&#153 for President of the United States.

Item:&#160 After the electrifying performance of Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin during the Republican National Convention, the Daytime Dumpy-assed Diva&#153 is refusing her the same courtesy:

Oprah Winfrey would love to have Republican vice presidential candidate Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on her hit daytime talk show – just not until after the election.

Winfrey says she has sworn off having presidential candidates and their families on her show until after after Nov. 4, because she’s already pledged her support to Democrat Sen. Barack Obama’s efforts to become president.

Now, I doubt McCain & Sarah will press the issue, but it seems to me that Barry’s Big-Assed Bimboid&#153 is kinda setting herself up for a federal election law violation.&#160 Specifically, the one guaranteeing equal time&#160 to all candidates.&#160 Not to mention the fact that the Obumbler’s appearance on her excuse-for-a-show, now that she won’t do likewise for the SarahCuda, raises questions about whether the airtime he received could possibly count as a campaign contribution.

I mean, you remember how, when Fred! entered the race, Paul Harvey News had to yank him off their daily broadcasts?&#160 Remember how tv stations back in the 80s couldn’t show any Reagan movies during the ’80 and ’84 campaigns because they’d have had to give Carter (and later, Mondale) “equal time”?&#160 (An interesting prospect to be sure – I mean, what movie could possibly have been made starring Wally Mon-dull that wouldn’t have instantly bombed?&#160 )

Our consolation is that endorsing Flopears McHopenchange seems to have had somewhat of a negative impact on She Who Thinks She’s All That&#153:

Did Barack Obama kill Oprah Winfrey’s mojo?

Fordham University political science assistant professor Costas Panagopoulos says so – deducing that Oprah’s popularity has plunged since she endorsed Obama last spring.

In August, three months after Oprah’s endorsement, only 61 percent of Americans still looked favorably upon Winfrey, Panagopoulos noted on politico.com – citing a CBS News poll.

And that figure is dropping steadily, according to the article.&#160 Which is a Good Thing&#153.

Ofrah Oprah can take her couch, AFAIC, and shove it up her avoirdupois ass.&#160 (And the hell of it is, it’d likely fit.&#160 )

John-boy McZhamnesty last week poked a little fun at the Manchurian Muslim&#153:

Well, it seems that Paris’ Pithy Pissant Parent&#153 (Female (we think) Half) is a pi…uh, bit…peeved at McRINO:

On Sunday, Hilton’s mother, Kathy Hilton, a McCain donor, registered her disapproval.

“It is a complete waste of the country’s time and attention at the very moment when millions of people are losing their homes and their jobs,” Kathy Hilton said in a short article posted on the liberal Huffington Post Web site. “And it is a completely frivolous way to choose the next president of the United States.”

This coming from the half-assed excuse-for-a-mommy of she who has made an effin’ career&#160 (brief though it may be so far) of wasting the country’s time & attention with chronicles of her many & varied exploits – both in the sack and out of it?

Then again, I dare say that this is what double-mindedness gets you, isn’t it?&#160 Kupid Stunt Kathy&#153 donates to the McLame campaign, then goes whining on Huffington’sToast?

Kathy, sweetie, do you know which end your ass is at?

Are you sure?

McCain on Friday denied that his campaign had taken a negative turn, saying, “We think it’s got a lot of humor in it, we’re having fun and enjoying it.”

Oh, as to the ad, John-boy, we didn’t really see the humor in it – but if it entertains you, I guess that’s what counts, huh?

Kathy Hilton, however, was unpersuaded, calling the ad “a complete waste of the money John McCain’s contributors have donated to his campaign.”

I suppose, Kathy baby, you could write a better one?&#160 Maybe you could get your friends&#160 at Puff-Ho to collaborate.

Fucking bimbo.&#160

And the self-destruction of Amy Winehouse (at warp speed, no less) continues unabated.

The $64 billion question:&#160 Why does anyone care?

UPDATE:&#160 Yes, I know the article said it was just “meds”.&#160 A cursory analysis of just what kind&#160 of “meds” we’re talking about here would prove most illuminating, eh what?

[SCENE:&#160 Aboard Pegasus.&#160 Ozy McCool and T-Bone McManx are reading an article about The Hawtest British Couple In The History Of Ever, Ever!&#153.&#160 Huge pools of saliva have formed on the deck of the bridge.]

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 (drool)

T-BONE MCMANX:&#160 (drool!!!)

[In comes our hero, Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant, with his first officer and right-hand Klingon, Korrioth.&#160 A look of disgust crosses Spats’ face, while Korrioth effects a smirk, knowing what’s coming and gleefully anticipating it.]

LSIK&T:&#160 Ahem.

[Ozy’s and T-Bone’s faces have a race to see which one blanches first.&#160 Ozy’s wins…but it’s close.]

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Sir!…uh…um…Admiral on the bridge?

T-BONE MCMANX:&#160 (gulp)

LSIK&T:&#160 Would either of you mind showing me why you’re creating Drool Lake&#153 on the bridge of my ship?

[McCool hands Spats the article, and a picture.]

LSIK&T:&#160 &#160 (sigh) Mr. Korrioth, would you mind escorting Mr. McCool and Mr. McManx to their quarters before Drool Lake&#153 becomes…ah…

KORRIOTH:&#160 (grunt)

[Korrioth grabs the two by the scruff of their necks and leaves the bridge.]

Really, guys, Posh Victoria whatever the Hell&#153 she wants to be called…she’s cute and all, but I’ve seen better.

And if you ask me, she needs to fire her stylist.&#160 Silky Pony boy John-John Edwards gets better haircuts.&#160