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The Department of Up Is Down, Down Is Up, Etc.™ brings us this disturbing little item about a heretofore charming kids’ park that’s about to turn into the Last Chance Effing Saloon.

Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission administrator Alan Steen on Wednesday signed an order potentially clearing the way for beer sales next month at Six Flags and also at its nearby Hurricane Harbor water park. Three opponents granted party status, including Arlington Mayor Robert Cluck, have 23 days to file a request for another hearing or to allow the alcohol license to be issued.

Sharon Parker, a Six Flags spokeswoman, said she was confident park officials had presented a convincing case.

Oh, I’m ever-so-sure you did, Shari baby.  How better to enhance and magnify the world-renowned Six Flags Experience™ than by having potentially two-thirds of the customers good & lathered up, hm?  I know I’ve always wanted to visit the universally-famous amusement park and take in the aroma of cotton candy, hot dogs & lemonade mixed in with that wonderful  stench of beer.

(Not to mention the resulting Rancid Reek O’ Retch-ery™ when someone who’s tipped a few too many tries to ride the Shock Wave, but we’ll try not to think about that, will we?)

Yeah, I’m sure’s Hell™ convinced, alrighty. 

“Our sister park in San Antonio as well as other entertainment venues throughout the state of Texas have proven that you can serve beer – and in some cases other mixed beverages – and still provide a family-friendly atmosphere,” she said.

I call bullshit.  For starters, I’d like to see just how many times your police “security personnel” were called in to give a little “attitude adjustment” to a someone soused up on Sam Adams.  How many times the park gendarmes  had to deal with a pickled patron who’d pounded one too many Pabsts.

Unless you’d like to show me  those spreadsheets, Shari baby, I think I’ll remain a little dubious about your so-called “family-friendly” bullshit, mkay?

Glad we could clear that up.

Those opposed to beer sales said mixing alcohol with an environment filled with children was a bad idea and could lead to more injuries inside the park and more drunken driving accidents on nearby roads.

Oh, “could”, my lily-white cracker ass.  This half-assed decision by the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission absolutely will  lead to more of that.  Count on it.

Incidentally, you might be interested in knowing that this is the same TABC that a couple weeks ago stripped Silver City Caberet in Dallas (pun definitely intended) of its liquor license.

The state of Texas is declaring victory over what it calls one of the most problematic topless clubs in the state.

Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission agents have stripped Silver City Cabaret in Dallas of its license to serve alcohol after trying for five years.

So, essentially, what you’ve got is that a bunch of fuckheaded, loose-assed dorkwads in Austin say that you can’t have beer at an adults-only strip club, but you can have beer in front of the kiddies at Six Flags.

Nice.  Real fuckin’ nice. 



3 Comments to “Slightly skewed priorities”


  1. Alan K. Henderson — February 26, 2009 @ 11:15 pm

    I’m sure there are amusement parks in this country that already serve alcohol. Some intrepid reporter should look investigate how alcohol sales affect those places.

    How do you like Irving’s relaxation of its adult beverage laws, now allowing beer and wine sold in stores?

  2. Darth Venomous — February 26, 2009 @ 11:54 pm

    Not so much of an issue for me, really.  Y’can’t drink anything inside the stores in any case like you’d be able to at Six Flags.  Plus, since I’m all over the city anyway, it’s nothing to me to drop by a Dallas store on the way home.

    Besides, I don’t drink that much anyway, so I tend to ignore all that.

  3. HDD — February 27, 2009 @ 5:56 pm

    You’re making a bid deal out of nothing.

    I’ve been to quite a few parks that served alcohol on premises, and it’s not an issue. For one thing, the way they make a profit on the alcohol is charging an arm, a leg, first born son, and first-refusal rights on your soul. Seriously. A beer was around $6, and that was over a decade ago, in a state where beer is cheaper than soda, in a lot of places.

    Secondly, there really isn’t that much free time to chug down enough brews or cosmos to really get drunk. People aren’t there to set sail with Captain Morgan. They’re there to enjoy the rides. Any alcohol consumption is done during rest breaks. A quick beer or mixed drink, catch your breath, and head off to the next round of entertainment.

    It’s been done in this country for about as long as amusement parks have been around. If it was that big of a problem, the parks would stop serving alcohol on their own.



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