Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

And it came from this Patterico thread:

The SEALs killed Bin Laden and we got the 72 versions.

Oh.&#160 Emm.&#160 Eff.&#160 Gee.&#160

In this Patterico thread today, this Rule 5 picture showed up.

The observation:&#160 More cleavage-y.&#160 Less Hagman-y.

One of my favorite things to say about fellow blogger & Denizen Alan K. Henderson is that he Does Not Have Enough To Do&#153.

And he proves it again here.

Hie thee hence to readeth.&#160 Spew warnings.&#160

Yeah, the same ones who were laughing at the Dallas Mavericks & their fans after the Spurs beat the higher-seeded Mavs last year in the playoffs…?

How’s it feel, chumps?!?!?!&#160

Okay, so I’m reading about one of the Blue Angels&#153 at this air show in San Transexual (yeah, I don’t know how they managed that, either), and this neat visual effect they did…

Cool, huh?

Anyway, one of these nose-up-in-the-air snotty Brits had to chime in…

Nothing quite like the Stargighter the German Air Force nick named it the flying coffin others the widow maker. It had disconcerting habit of killing pilots and they really forgot to fit wings just a couple of stubs. It wasn’t all that really. I know you Americans think everything you do is the best but some things just don’t work out…

Last NATO flight competition I had with you guys we beat you. You had better technology pity about the lesser ability. Don’t knock we Brits especially today of all days. Late for every war and full of it.

Well, I tend to think we were sure the fuck on time in 1776 & 1812, but that’s another Brit beatdown for another day.

But then a fellow American chimed in…

Last NATO flight competition I was in you Brits had all kinds of “rules” that you wanted us to follow to ensure we didn’t wipe you off the map. Couldn’t fly half the planes off the deck of our carrier, couldn’t use our E2 Hawkeyes at all, couldn’t use our satellite links, couldn’t use our subs offensively, couldn’t use drones, and we were only allowed to fly ONE EA-6B for the whole carrier group. Couldn’t fly below 2,000 feet, nor above 50,000 feet.

You “win” these competitions because you simply will not take us on head to head.

We laugh it off as your commanders stroking your egos, making you think you’re better than you really are.

Mheh.&#160 PJ O’Rourke rides again.&#160

(Hat tip:&#160 Major Geeks.)

The 7Gadgets site is trying to say that this is the ultimate geek chair.

I beg to differ.

For this to be the Ultimate Geek Chair – it would have to be an oversized chaise recliner that swivels.&#160

Believe it?

Well don’t…..it’s Google’s fun-loving side coming out for April Fool’s Day.

Like that one? You should check out what ThinkGeek has done this year!!!

Now go out and find your own geek pranks! That’s an ORDER!

DISMISSED!!&#153

You decide.

Then let us know by voting in the poll here.

ThatIsAll™

And in the interests of equality & fair play…and because the Southern Command&#153 insisted (grin)…

Tech Support Log

Girlfriend Upgrade

Subject: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please???

Thanks, Joe

——————

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so that, in the end, nothing would be gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their actual cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the Esc key because — ultimately-you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support.

Although, if you ask me, I’m going for Secretary 38.22.35 myself…

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast iron skillet):&#160 KA-BONNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!

…uh, ow…&#160

A little weekend frivolity for you, Denizens.

Got this from a co-worker yesterday:

Installing a husband


Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, Fishing 7.2, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0. (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program-this will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Oh, really?&#160

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

Hot Lingerie 7.7?!?!?!

Hell, boys – your software’s waaaaaaaaaay&#160 outta date!

The recommended Hot Lingerie app minimum&#160 is version 40.23.36!&#160

Dennis Miller had the line of the night on O’Reilly tonight concerning the SOTU show:

“I didn’t watch it.&#160 If I’d wanted to see a room full of big asses, I’d watch the Kardashian show.”

Ba.&#160 Dum.&#160 Chee.&#160

(h/t to Southern Command Senior Radar Technologist Lt. Marky Mark via FB)

The entire Battle Staff has been replaying this video for the past hour or so almost constantly. It’s getting funnier every time!!

ThatIsAll™

This just in from the estate of Elizabeth Edwards:

“All of my furniture, furnishings, household goods, jewelry, china, silverware and personal effects and any automobiles owned by me at the time of my death, I give and bequeath to my children,” the will stated.

There was no mention of her husband in the five-page document.

You can bet the Breck Boy ain’t feelin’ the love no mo.

And while we’re on the subject of a good laugh, check out this video.  It’ll give you Crackberry addicts a new perspective on your electronic leash.

Dismissed&#153

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

Item:&#160 A state marshal in Kennycut (gratuitous Family Affair reference alert!) got caught with his pants down (figuratively) the other day, having to apologize for…well…

…for paying $15 for a lap dance at a New Haven strip club when he went there to serve a city tax warrant to the owner.

The New Haven Register reports that Marshal William Nolan broke down crying and apologized while testifying Tuesday before two members of the State Marshal Commission, who will be recommending to the full board whether Nolan should be disciplined.

Commission members have found probable cause that Nolan unreasonably blurred the lines between professional and personal conduct at Stage Door Johnny’s last March.

Nolan is also accused of charging club owner Johnny Kraft 10 percent more than the $9,800 he owed the city in back taxes, which Kraft has since paid. Nolan said it was a simple mistake.

Lord Venomous’ reaction:&#160 They’re only charging $15 for lap dances in Connecticut?&#160 They’re $20 down here!&#160 I wanna move!!!

MRS. VENOMOUS (with heavy-duty cast-iron skillet):&#160 KA-BONNNNNNG!!!!1!!ONE!1!ELEVENTY!!1!!

Uh, ow.&#160