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The question has been axed…yeah, I said “axed”, come say it to my face if that pisses you off…if Yours Truly intends to host a Perfect Football Weekend&#153 this year.

And the answer is…maybe.

I mean, at this point…what with This Fine Blog&#153 having basically gone the way of Yeah, Right, Whatever, and its pithy readership having trudged off for blogs that actually update…who’s gonna read it?

Still, there’s probably gonna be things about which I can vent, so we’ll see.

Now, to go find some non-Core teams that don’t disappoint from week to week…

[SCENE:&#160 On the near-powerless bridge of ISS Vengeance.&#160 Admiral Darth Venomous and General Korrioth are overseeing a minor refit of the communications module.&#160 Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool carries a solid-state console module in his arms, awaiting instruction from Venomous.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Anytime you’re ready, McCool.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Aye, sir.

[McCool slides the module into the empty slot.&#160 Power comes to life on the bridge – for about two seconds.

Massive sparkage flies from the just-installed module, sending all three diving for cover.&#160 (Well, Korrioth & McCool, anyway.&#160 Venomous merely turns away with a disgusted look on his face.)

Venomous turns & glares at McCool.]

OZY McCOOL (looking very&#160 nervous at the moment):&#160 As I suspected, m’lord.&#160 Major flaw in the J2 circuit.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Fine.&#160 And in whose head is Kor going to sink his bat’leth this&#160 time?

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Personally, I’d start with the union writers.&#160 They’ve got all manner of plot devices up their sleeves, and they’ve had it in for you ever since you beheaded Allan.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Point.

VENOMOUS (chuckling):&#160 Mheh.&#160 That’s what I like about you guys – no foolin’ around, cut to the chase.&#160 Okay, Kor, see to it.

KORRIOTH:&#160 (grunt)

—

Okay, we’re officially back online here, and all it cost me was my primary keyboard.&#160 Fry’s will be furnishing me a replacement shortly.

In the meantime, we’ll catch up on the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 beginning tonight – Heights will play its annual one-and-done playoff game this evening, and I’ve some thoughts on Incognito-Juanita Martin (and no – that’s not a typo.)

Oh…and anyone who even dares breathe&#160 the number “51” dies.&#160 You have been warned.

If the Core Teams&#153 are gonna suck like this, I gotta wonder why I keep doing this.

Arlington Heights 56, Western Hills 17

at TCU 7, TU Shortdicks 30

Liberty 24, at Gardner-Webb 0

at #4 Ohio State 63, Penn State 14

Dallas 30, at Detroit 31

A playoff spot.

After playing like shit the first four weeks of the season, Phillip Young’s Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets…have secured a playoff spot.

Quarterback Deion Hair-Griffin accounted for 312 total yards, including 123 rushing, and three passing touchdowns, and running back Kameron Hill rushed for three touchdowns.

“After the first win, we told them, we’ve got to practice like a playoff team,” said coach Phil Young, whose team improved to 4-4 and 4-1 in 7-4A. “That’s been our motto. Now we feel like we’re a playoff team.”

Nicely done, Phil.&#160 Nicely done.

—

Same song, fifth verse.&#160 Frogs get in a hole, spend the rest of the game scrambling to get out, and fail miserably.

Patterson’s let his program get away from him.&#160 Time to hire someone to get it back under control.

—

Take my comments from Cowboy-Ram, and apply them here.

And after mentioning about Turner Gill’s need for a defense, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s reading me.

Turner Gill…a Denizen?&#160 Stranger things have&#160 happened.

—

You can’t fault Romo for this one.

And while you could&#160 fault the defense, you have to consider that there were backups of backups&#160 out there, particularly for the final drive.&#160 Scream at Owner Jethro if you must, but when starters get hurt, backups have to play.&#160 And there’s a reason they’re backups.

It pissed me off for the ‘Girlz to lose, sure.&#160 But I’m not sure what could’ve been done about it.

—

And now, the game that scored me yet another Perfect Football Weekend&#153 – Penn State (hack, spit)&#160 getting the expected ass-whipping.

Ohio State was looking for a lopsided win to impress the voters and boost its BCS numbers. The Buckeyes made Penn State pay the price.

Braxton Miller passed for three touchdowns and ran for two and Carlos Hyde rushed for 147 yards and two more scores to lead the fourth-ranked Buckeyes to a 63-14 victory over Penn State on Saturday night.

“We’ve got to keep our foot to the pedal,” said Miller, who completed 18-of-24 passes for a career-best 252 yards before leaving in the third quarter.

It was the most points surrendered by Penn State (4-3, 1-2 Big Ten) and its worst beating in 114 years.

Music to my ears – especially after the Core Teams&#153 (Heights, TCU, Cowgirlz) go one-for-three.

This week:&#160 3-2.&#160 Perfect Football Weekend&#153 achieved (5).&#160 Overall:&#160 23-21

Next PFW will be in a couple of weeks, as Realm Headquarters&#153 is doing a little bugging out for points north (translation:&#160 we’re moving).&#160 Not far, you understand – but I’m about to take the network down here, and so will be a little incommunicado for a few days.

Vicar, General – you guys have the conn.

Okay, Denizens, since everyone else in the world, their dog, and its fleas has weighed in on The Big Hah Skrewl (a little Rush lingo, there) Football Controversy&#153…(sigh)…I s’pose I can, too.

And by The Big Hah Skrewl (a little Rush lingo, there) Football Controversy&#153…I’m talking about Aledo-Fort Worth Western Hills.&#160 IOW, the big 91-0 shellacking of the Cougars by the Bearcats.

Some Western Hills soccer mom helicopter mom Stupid Cunt&#153 of a parent actually went so far as to file a formal bullying complaint against the Bearcat football team – a complaint that was eventually found to be utterly baseless.

A copy of the complaint obtained by The Associated Press quoted a parent, whose name was redacted by the Aledo school district, who said: “we all witnessed bullying firsthand.”

“Picking up my son from the fieldhouse after the game and taking him home was tough,” the complaint read. “I did not know what to say to my son on the ride home to explain the behavior of the aledo (sic) coaches for not easing up when the game was in hand.”

Except, you dumb-assed bitch, that’s exactly what Buchanan did – he started taking his starters out after only 21 plays.&#160 Would it have made you any happier, trollop, had he left them in and ran up 150 points on the Cougars?&#160 Because I guaran-damn-tee you he could have, very easily.

Listen, it’s not like I don’t know where you’re coming from – both OD Wyatt and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets got completly blown away by the Bearcats, both by an identical score of 84-7.&#160 You think that makes me&#160 happy to hear of it?&#160 And I don’t even have a kid going there.

But at least I’m man enough to just let it go, and realize that Aledo could give several major college teams a run for their money.

On to the football.&#160 Speaking of my Jackets, they whipped up on the aforementioned Cougars last night, 56-17 – in fact, since that Aledo beatdown, they themselves have averaged over 51 points a game.&#160 Guess they weren’t as bad as I’d first thought (though Paschal still pisses me off).

Tomorrow, the TU Shortdicks Longhorns Shortdicks come a-calling on Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs.&#160 TCU’s a two-point home favorite according to Vegas, so that means they expect TU to win it on a last-second field goal.

Casey Pachall will likely make his return, but he’ll be facing a defense that can get to the quarterback – and Pachall ain’t exactly Usain Bolt.&#160 This one makes me nervous.

Also Saturday, Turner Gill gets to face the Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs again.&#160 Problem is, this time he has to face them with the Liberty Flames, instead of with the UBeefalo Bulls.

On the other hand, G-W got trounced by the same Coastal Carolina squad that barely squeaked by the Flames last week in OT, so no SpatulaLine&#153 here.

Sunday, it’ll be the Battle Of The Men Amongst Boys&#153, as Dez Bryant & the Dallas C’boyz travel up to Detroit to take on the Lions & Calvin “Megatron” Johnson.&#160 I like Detroit in this one simply because 1) they’re at home, and 2) they have Ndomakong Suh & Nick Fairley in the defensive line.

Houston doesn’t play this weekend, so we’ll plug in another college game – and one, I might add, that’ll give me yet another PFW.

And I say this, because the game is Penn State (*hack, spit!) is going to Columbus to take on Urban Meyer and the fourth-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes.

Does anyone seriously&#160 think the Nittany Pussies have a chance?&#160

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.

Denizens, maybe tonight I’ll have a football story on which to rant.&#160 Right now, there’s not time to do diddly-squat.

For now, we have Arlington Heights-Western Hills (I’ll take Heights, you can have Hills & 6, based on common games vs. Aledo (/snark)); TCU hosts the TU Shortdicks; Liberty is at Gardner-Webb; Dallas is at Detroit, and Houston is guaranteed not to lose this week – for the obvious reason.

Recap’s Monday or so; I’ll have more tonight.

The future is Case Keenum.

Okay, Houston – you can stay.

Arlington Heights 54, OD Wyatt 21

TCU 10, at #21 Oklahoma State 24

#15 Georgia 27, at Vanderbilt 31

at Liberty 52, Coastal Carolina 55 (OT)

Houston 16, at Kansas City 17

Dallas 17, at Phuckadelphia 3

Yes, I’ll grant you that they’ll never do this against Aledo, or Granbury, or probabaly even Southwest.

That said, if they can do this against the rest of Fort Worth, I’ll take it.

When Javonte Adams took the first play from scrimmage 76 yards for a Fort Worth Wyatt touchdown, the Chaparrals thought they were putting last week’s 74-point loss to Aledo behind them.

But that didn’t last long.

Fort Worth Arlington Heights scored on its third play from scrimmage and never looked back in a 54-21 rout Friday night at Farrington Field.

—

Another day, another pathetic performance by Trevone Boykin.

Three more picks thrown by Boykin, to whom I’m now going to refer as The Imposter&#153 – because he’s a poser at quarterback.

Yet another scoreless first half – the worst offensive showing since the Mike Schultz days.

And Gary Patterson is truly in over his head now.&#160 A decent enough minor conference coach, he’s now proven he can’t consistenly win against the big boys.&#160 Put me down once again for favoring his immediate termination.

—

Liberty took Coastal to overtime before succumbing.&#160 Progress.

Turner Gill still needs to find himself either some defensive talent, or a better defensive coach.

—

Zebras handed Vanderbilt two half-assed personal foul/targeting penalties that led directly to 14 points.

Georgia lost by four.&#160 You do the math.

That said…the Dawgs fucked themselves over.&#160 A dropped punt snap that led directly to the winning touchdown.&#160 A fumble off a pass reception on Georgia’s final drive.&#160 Letting a fucking redshirt freshman&#160 beat their defense.

Sorry, Georgia.&#160 You’re out of the PFW.

—

The future of Houston Texan football has arrived.&#160 And much the same way that Romo supplanted Bledsoe when it became apparent that Bledsoe couldn’t do the job any longer, Schaub’s injury has given Gary Kubiak the excuse he needs to begin the Keenum Era.

And if they play like they did against KC, this era will last a while.

—

Every once in a while, the opposing team’s quarterback can&#160 such worse than El Choko.

Such was the case Sunday.&#160 Ol’ “Woof!” was out, so the Beagles had to go with Nick Foles (who left the game with a concussion in the third) and Widdle Mattie Barkley.&#160 Who promptly threw the Cowboy defense three picks to seal the win.

Romo was okay – he threw for 300+, a touchdown to Terrence Williams, and a pick that likely wasn’t his fault – but at least he didn’t lose the game for Dallas, and that, sometimes, is all we ask for.

—

I could declare an Executive Fiat&#153, based solely on the fact that Ole Miss thumped Lousy-ana State – but I’ll hold off for now.

Besides, Liberty stayed within the SpatulaLine&#153, so it counts for me.

This week:&#160 3-3.&#160 Overall:&#160 20-19.

The PFW returns Thursday, when we explain why Arlington Heights is 14 points better than Western Hills.

My apologies this morning, Denizens, for not posting this yesterday.&#160 Wasn’t time yesterday morning, and (as usual) once my avoirdupois ass hit the chair last night…zzzzzzz.

Anyway, I had promised that I was going to talk about Bob Costas and the “Redskins” controversy.&#160 And may do that in the next couple of days, if there’s time.

But there isn’t right now, so let’s hit the football.&#160 Arlington Heights trampled OD Wyatt last night, 54-21 (dammit, where was this group against Paschal?), so that’s one for me.

Today, TCU is at 21st-ranked Okie State (for the second straight year – grrrrr), and OSU is a 7&#189-point favorite; they should cover easily.

15th-ranked Georgia is a Vanderbilt today – and if the Dawgs know what’s good for ’em, they’ll more than cover their own 7-point spread.

Liberty hosts Coastal Carolina in a Big South matchup – and, given how CC manhandled the Flames last year, the SpatulaLine&#153 is set at 50.

Houston…well, I know I shouldn’t do this, but since they tapped Case Keenum to start at Kansas Shitty (fuck you, Fatassed Andy Reid, you had no business beating Dallas), they’re back in the PFW this week, even though they’ll likely get their heads handed to them.

As for the Cowboys, they’re up in Phuckadelphia this week, where Mikey “Woof!” Vick is going to take a back seat to Nick Foles, who will probably shred the Girlz’ secondary a la&#160 Peyton Manning.

We’re back Monday for the recap.&#160 Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have to go work up a rant for Widdle Roberta Costas…

Y’know, when I added Houston to the PFW, I should have realized that Wade Phillips was a coach on a staff of a team that was starting a backup quarterback.

And didn’t I just leave that party?

Arlington Heights 40, South Hills 16

at TCU 27, Kansas 17

at #7 Georgia 26, #25 Missouri 41

#12 Oklahoma 20, TU Shortdicks 36 (at Dallas)

at Houston 13, St. Louis 38

at Dallas 31, Washington REDSKINS!!!!!! 16

(Incidentally, guys, I didn’t mention that Liberty didn’t play this weekend.&#160 My bad.)

—

This Deion Hair’Griffin seems to be a find for Phil Young’s Yellow Jackets.

Hair-Griffin completed 14 of 22 passes for 234 yards, including a 20-yard touchdown pass to Davon Davis on the opening drive of the game. Hair-Griffin also ran for two touchdowns, a 1-yard sneak and a 35-yard scamper that put the Yellow Jackets (2-4 overall, 2-1 District 7-4A) up 20-10 heading into halftime.

And he’s only a sophomore.&#160 Hmmmm.

—

What I Tell Ya&#153 about TCU playing down to its competition?

Boykin throws two more picks, one a pick-six, and the score is tied 10-all at the half.&#160 Fortunately, David Porter bailed Boykin out with a 76-yard catch-and-score on the first play of the second half, and TCU’s defense stiffened just enough to allow the Frogs to pull away somewhat (though they still didn’t cover).

—

Clearly, Griffin’s been rushed back (he got no preseason work at all), and the rust is clearly there.

But the story of this game was Dwayne Harris.&#160 222 return yards (more than the entire Cowgirl offense), one return for a score and another 90-yarder setting up a Romo-to-Terrence Williams TD catch, pretty much made the difference in the game.

And this time, though Griffin passed for over 300 yards, he didn’t shred Dallas’ defense like the last two times.&#160 (Of course, having a healthy Sean Lee & Bruce Carter helped some.)&#160 Guess America’s Darling&#153 is human, after all.&#160

—

Georgia?&#160 You let this&#160 mongrel beat you at home?

Say so long to any BCS aspirations, boys.

—

This, people.&#160 This is why I threw Oklahoma out of the PFW last year:&#160 The inability to win a big game that they should have fucking won.

[Case] McCoy threw two touchdowns, 295-pound defensive tackle Chris Whaley returned an interception 31 yards for a score and the Longhorns (4-2, 3-0 Big 12) ended Oklahoma’s three-game winning streak in the rivalry to give Brown at least a temporary reprieve from all the gloomy talk about his future with the Longhorns.

That’s what happens when you choke, Bobby Stoops.&#160 And I’m starting to thing there’s something fishy about the TCU game, as well.&#160 Again.

—

They cheered Matt Schaub when he injured his ankle.&#160 Because&#160 he injured it.

With respect to the General…that’s Pew-stun for you.

TJ Yates threw a pick-six, keeping that streak alive at five games.&#160 Coach Stay-Puf’s defense couldn’t stop a baa-baa sheep offense.

The General has made lots of noise about rookie Case Keenum taking over as the starter.

With the Tex-annes’ season plinking into the toilet, I tend to agree.&#160 Keenum gained a college rep as a passer extraordinaire&#160 at the U. of…well, whaddya know…Houston.&#160 So he’s already the most popular man in the city.&#160 And they did run an NFL-style offense in Cougarland.&#160 Why not throw him in & let him see what he can do?

But until they do, I’m done with ’em.&#160 Houston…you’re out of the PFW.

Nevertheless, because it’s the first time Dallas has beaten the Second Coming&#153, it’s an Executive Fiat&#153 type of weekend.

This week:&#160 3-3.&#160 Perfect Football Weekend achieved (4).&#160 Overall:&#160 17-16.

The PFW will return Friday.&#160 And I don’t know what I’m gonna talk about yet (*coughBobCostasthefuckingpussycough*)…but I’ll think of something.

Denizens, as we start this very late edition of the Perfect Football Weekend (late because I said I was gonna do it last night, and fell asleep in my Comfy Chair&#153 again), I am reminded of this story about which the Vicar posted about three weeks ago or so.

On Facebook.

(mock glare at the Vicar)

Anyway, he posted about it thusly:

The issue here is not homosexuality, it is the inability of a group of students to conduct themselves in a civil manner at a university event.

(This all ties into the PFW because there were Ole Miss football players in the audience.)

I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate&#153 and respond in kind:

In fact, it is&#160 about homosexuality heterophobia.&#160 Or, to be a little more blunt about it, the constant shoving thereof into the faces of those – yours truly included – who don’t want a damned fucking thing to do with it.

I mean, really.&#160 As I have said time, and time, and time again – the issue with the sodomites isn’t that they want tolerance – I tolerate them sufficiently in that I’ve never given any of them the ass-whipping of their miserable lives.

Leave me be, I leave you be.

No, what they want is for you & me & everyone else on God’s Green Earth&#153 to say that what they do is okay.&#160 Just fine & fucking dandy – in fact, even preferred&#160 in some cases.&#160 Otherwise, why all the parades, the rallies, the beatdowns (sometimes even physically) on people who don’t subscribe whole hog to the blatant heterophobia?

Hmmmmm?

And, as they themselves say in their little “NOH8” screechings…silence is consent.

Now, as I understand it, the Ole Miss footballers were forced, as part of their curriculum, to attend this indoctrination play.&#160 In other words, this was nothing more than “thenthitivity twaining”.

I would have disrupted the damned thing, too.&#160 Hell – I’d’ve kicked the ass of the bastard who assigned it to me.

On to the football.&#160 Phil Young’s Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets got their second win in a row last night, beating the South Hills Scorpions, 40-16.&#160 One for me.

Saturday, Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs should – I said should – get a gimme game at home against the U. of Kansas.&#160 As we know, Rock Chalk has been spinning its wheels for a few years now, which cost Turner Gill his job.&#160 (Frankly, I was hoping Turner could hang on long enough to coach this game; I was looking forward to going and possibly getting to say hello.&#160 C’est la vie).

Anyway, TCU has this pull-your-hair-out-annoying habit of playing down to its competition.&#160 And Vegas has the Frogs as a near-solid 25-point favorite, so Jaden Overkrom will have to win this one at the gun with his foot.

Also Saturday, seventh-ranked Georgia (See what you guys get for nearly letting Tennessee beat you?) is a 7&#189-point home favorite vs, 25th-ranked Mizzou.&#160 I like the Dawgs’ chances here, but not by too much.

UPDATE:&#160 And just for this one week only, we’re gonna follow the Red River Shootout Rivalry Pink Taffeta Ballet Shootout.&#160 It is, of course, OU-Texas weekend, and since 12th-ranked OU is&#160 a former PFW team…and since I hate Mack Brown & TU with the purplest of passions…

Sunday, the Houston Tex-annes should – again, I say should – end their losing streak against the St. Louis Ewes Rams Ewes.&#160 Hell, Gary Kubiak – if the Cowgirlz can whip them and you can’t, what’ll that say for you…?

Speaking of the Cowgirlz, they get one more chance to stay in this little soiree against the Washington REDSKINS!!!!! (see what I did there, you politically correct bastards?&#160 Suck it.) and Robert Griffin III.

(Yeah, I would go into the Second Coming&#153 bit – but as long as the pussies on the Left insist on making the Redskin name an issue, ARRRRRRR GEEEEEEE THREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!&#160 gets something of a pass.

They say Griffin’s still a bit gimpy.&#160 Yeah?&#160 So was it the case for the last game last season, and how’d that&#160 work out for the Cowgirlz?

We’re back Monday or so with the recap. In the meantime, my question for the Vicar is…what am I paying you for, anyway?&#160

Thank Cthulhu for Penn State.

Had they not lost to UIndiana Saturday, I might have packed the entire PFW in for the year.

Arlington Heights 55, Trimble Tech 3

Texas Christian 17, at #11 Oklahoma 20

#6 Georgia 34, at UTennessee 31 (OT)

Liberty 17, at Old Dominion 21

at Dallas 48, Denver 51

Houston 3, at San Francisco 34

It was the Deion Hair’Griffin (Deion Hair’Griffin?&#160 What kinda name is “Hair’Griffin”?) show at Farrington Field Thursday night.&#160 12 rushes for 86 (part of a 250-yard night for the Jackets), and 13-20-222 passing as Heights finally found someone they could beat.

There goes my nilo.

—

Once again, a Turner Gill-coached defense lets his school down, giving up two touchdowns in the fourth quarter to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.&#160 Which is apropos, I guess – Turner’s not a defensive guru.

He kept it within the SpatulaLine&#153 though, so it counts.

—

Georgia let UTennessee hang around too long, and it almost came back to bite them in the ass.

Fortunately, Marshall Morgan kicked a 42-yard field goal in overtime after a Volunteer fumble.

—

The other three games were basically variations on a theme:&#160 Backup quarterbacks acting like backup quarterbacks after being thrust into starting roles.&#160 Boykin, Schaub & Romo all leading their teams no-fucking-where.&#160 And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

But it’s still a Perfect Football Weekend, because…

at Indiana 44, Penn State 24

… Nate Sudfeld threw two touchdown passes and Tre Roberson ran for two more scores Saturday, leading Indiana to its first win ever against Penn State 44-24.

Thank you, Hoosiers.&#160 You’ve guaranteed at least one more week of the PFW.

This week:&#160 4-3 (Liberty & Penn State count).&#160 Perfect Football Weekend&#153 achieved (3).&#160 Overall:&#160 14-13.

The PFW will return tomorrow, by which time I should have a new archivist to replaced the one…

[SCENE:&#160 A muffled thump is heard in the background…the sound of a body falling, lifeless, to the floor.]

…who just resigned.

Well, it’s another Perfect Football Weekend for us, Denizens, and this week’s lead-in has sort of a political dovetail – that being, Roger Goodfella Goodall Goodfella is being the NFL’s designated mob ass again.

That is to say, by denying WASHINGTON REDSKINS!!!!!&#160 (there, you bastards, I said it – what’re you pussies gonna do about it?) cornerback D’Angelo Hall his right to free expression.

Case in point: Washington Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall was laughing, joking and filling up reporters’ notebooks and recording devices with post-game gold after Sunday’s victory over the Oakland Raiders. Hall, when he wants to be, is among the more quotable and colorful players in the league.

But as he talked to a gaggle of media, Hall — wearing a Lacoste logo shirt — was approached by the NFL inspector and asked to stop talking because of his shirt.

michael phillips @michaelpRTD

#Redskins DeAngelo Hall was banned from talking with us by an NFL uniform inspector, who said he couldn’t speak while wearing a Polo shirt.

And they threatened to fine him if he didn’t.

So here we have Roger Goodfella thinking he and the NFL are above the United States Constitution. “Ve can tellink dju vhat zhirt dju c’n vear, und eeef dju don’t likez vhat ve tell dju, dju geevs us djur moneyz, djyessss?”

Hall showed a helluva lot of restraint.&#160 I’d’ve been tempted to take off my Polo shirt, and wrap it tightly around said inspector’s neck.

Actually, y’know what?&#160 No – I wouldn’t have been tempted to do it.&#160 I’d’ve done it.

On to the football.&#160 Phillip Young’s Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets (no way I’m claiming them as mine after that&#160 POS performance last week) have a little easier time of it tonight against Trimble Technical, but I still think the Bulldogs will pull this one out.&#160 (In spades, if you declare that you won’t win a single hand, and manage not to, that’s called “nilo” and you get 130 points for it.&#160 I have my fingers crossed.)

Saturday, Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs travel up to Norman, to take on a former PFW target team, the Oklahoma Sooners.&#160 Maybe, just for this week, we could call TCU an SEC team.&#160 Bob Stoops has trouble with SEC teams…

Also Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty U. Flames are at Old Dominion. The Monarchs get ready for their season by playing the likes of E. Carolina & Maryland – and, well, they looked respectable against E. Carolina.

Vegas never rates Liberty’s games, so I’m gonna invoke the SpatulaLine&#153 and ask Turner to keep the margin within 25.

In addition, recent PFW addition #6 Georgia will visit the Vols of UTennessee.&#160 If the Dawgs can contain the Vols on the ground, UTenn’s passing attack is ranked 112th in the NCAA.&#160 They’re an 11-point road fave, so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Sunday, it doesn’t get any easier for the Houston Texans, as they’re out in San Transexual to face a FairyWhiner squad in desperate need of a win.&#160 The Whiners are a seven-point favorite, and Coach Stay-Puf’s defenses don’t like mobile quarterbacks, so it’s probably a third-straight loss for the Tex-annes.

Before that, though, Peyton Manning and his record-setting passing attack come into the Death Star to take on the NFL’s worst secondary…the Dallas Cowgirls.&#160 Broncos are an eight-point favorite here, and it might get there in the first couple of drives.&#160 Should take off from there, though.

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.&#160 Look for me to be in a snarly mood after I go 1-5.

(sigh) It’s getting harder & harder to justify doing this…especially if all my teams are going to go in the tank.

Arlington Heights 7, Aledo 84

at TCU 48, SMUT 7

at Liberty 73, Kentucky Wesleyan 7

at Houston 20, Seattle 23 (OT)

Dallas 21, at San Diego 30

Hmmm.&#160 For some reason, what I had here has hit the bit bucket.

Not sure why.&#160 Doubt I’ll ever have time to re-create it, either.

C’est la vie.

…aka the Pansy-Assed Football League.

Denizens, as we start this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153, we are once again reminded of what a bunch of pussified doucherifles the state of Kalifornication has become.&#160 For now, their infectious cancer has touched youth football.

Usually, when a mercy rule becomes a bone of contention it’s because the policy isn’t instituted soon enough, until after a game is already far out of reach. Yet in one Northern California community the opposite is unfolding, with parents furious about a new rule that they feel is cheating their children and coaches of football and money wasted on fines.

As reported by Sacramento NBC affiliate KCRA, the Northern California Federation Youth Football League (NCFYFL) instituted stiff new penalties for any teams that beat opponents by 35 points or more. Specifically, those teams will be fined $200 and their coaches will be suspended from all league activities for two weeks. The penalty is a drastic change for the league of 7-13 year-olds, which previously issued teams with a warning following such blowouts and required a written description that detailed what the victorious team had done to try and keep scores low.

[…]

With the new, harsher penalties, some players have begun insisting that their development is being hurt. One team has stopped attempting any field goals, leaving kicker James McHugh unable to attempt any scoring kicks except points after touchdowns. That’s a problem for a 13-year-old who hopes to serve as a high school placekicker in fall 2014.

Oh, hell&#160 no.&#160 Actually, it’s a problem for any self-respecting human being.

Thankful am I that Skip doesn’t play in such a league.&#160 For if he did, and they passed a fucktarded rule like this, the head of said league would have the term “ass-whipping” re-defined for him.&#160 By me.

And speaking of ass-whippings, let’s get to the football.&#160 It’s my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, destined to have their magical oh-fer season extended by the Aledo Bearcats.&#160 It’s Guaranteed Loss Night&#153, and the SpatulaLine&#153 is set at 65&#189 for this one.

Tomorrow morning, it’ll be Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs playing host to SMUT for the Iron Skillet.

And I shit you not – Vegas has the Frogs as an 18&#189-point favorite at home.

With Trevone Boykin at quarterback.

I think the Shitland Ponies win this one outright.&#160 Look for me to be extremely&#160 pissed come Monday.

Also Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames take on Kentucky Weslyan, which is apparently such a small program that they don’t even have an ESPN listing.&#160 Flames win comfortably here.

Sunday finds Houston playing host to Golden Taint and the Seattle Seahags.&#160 If the Tex-annes can’t beat Baltimore without RAYYYYMONNNNND LEWWWWWWISSSSSSSS!!!!!, I rather doubt they’ll beat Seattle.&#160 Vegas doesn’t think so, either – the Hags are a 2&#189-point road favorite.

And for a bonus game, the Dallas Cowboys, fresh off a manhandling of the St. Louis Ewes, travel to Mrs. Venomous’ home of San Diego to take on the “San Dee-ayy-go…Superchar-gers…” (a little Chris Berman lingo, there).&#160 Vegas likes Dallas minus 2&#189, so look for the Powder-Blue-And_Gold to romp.

We’re back Monday with the recap.&#160 In the meantime…dang, I didn’t know OU’s Blake Bell could throw…

Hellaciously good thing I added the Cowboys at the last minute, isn’t it?

Liberty 21, at Richmond 30

Houston 9, at Baltimore 30

at Dallas 31, St. Louis 7

(Credit:&#160 ESPN) – Michael Strauss threw 20 of 34 for 210 yards and one touchdown to lead Richmond to a 30-21 victory over Liberty on Saturday night.

Coming into the game, Richmond (2-2) boasted the most prolific passing attack in the Colonial Athletic Conference, but it was the rushing of Jacobi Green that kept the Spiders in the lead most of the game. Green had 24 carries for 181 yards and T.J. Moon carried 7 times for 38 yards and two touchdowns.

—

Dallas would be a legitimate Super Bowl contender…if it could play the St. Louis Ewes every week.

Six sacks of Sam Bradford for the defense.&#160 175 yards of ground for DeMarco Murray, to go with the 253 last time he played StL.&#160 A 137-plus QB rating for El Choko.

I could get used to this.&#160 Keep playing like this, guys, you can worm your way back into the group.

—

On the other hand…

Gary Kubiak – you laid that egg against this&#160 sorry bunch?&#160 Schaub throws a pick-six? A punt return for a touchdown?&#160 A backup running back&#160 gashes you for 65 yards & a score?&#160 All this despite the fact that they didn’t&#160 have RAYMOND LEWIS!!!!!!&#160 or Ed Reed this time, and that you&#160 were the ones who had Reed?

What is it, the uniforms?

Tell me again why I put you idiots in the PFW?

This week:&#160 1-2 (thank you, Cowboys).&#160 Overall:&#160 7-7

The PFW will return on Friday, when we will discuss guarantees for reals, and decide which Texas team gets to keep going in this soiree.

Denizens, as we begin this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 (and yes – sorry it’s late), we note that Nebraska head coach (and former PFW target) Bo Pelini was forced by the pussy-assed excuse-for-an-administration that is Nebraska U. to apologize for Yet Another Rant&#153.

Oh, did we mention this was one he made two years ago?

Nebraska coach Bo Pelini apologized Monday for a profane rant from 2011 in which he criticized “fair-weather” Cornhuskers fans.

The website Deadspin posted the 2-year-old audio of the Cornhuskers’ coach going off on fans and newspaper reporters after a game.

What was already a bad day got much worse for Bo Pelini, who has some explaining to do to Nebraska fans, writes Mitch Sherman. Blog

Pelini’s problematic Monday came on the heels of yet another brutal loss for the Huskers. UCLA wiped out an 18-point deficit in Lincoln and beat Nebraska 41-21 on Saturday.

The tape caught Pelini speaking off air with Husker Sports Network play-by-play man Greg Sharpe before his postgame radio interview following Nebraska’s win over Ohio State in October 2011. Pelini had been criticized by fans and media in the days leading to the Ohio State game for the Huskers’ performance the week before in a 31-point loss at Wisconsin.

In the audio, Pelini repeatedly uses an expletive to refer to what he calls “fair-weather” fans.

Okay, in the first place, this was two fucking years ago, mkay?

Second, it was a private conversation, awright?

If i have a private conversation with someone two years ago, and some half-assed pussy site like Deadspin broadcasts it to the fucking world, the owners of Deadspin.com best hope I don’t ever find them. At the very least, they’ll be the proud recipients of an eight-digit minimum&#160 lawsuit.&#160 And if I happen to have a certain object in my possession…

Nebraska chancellor Harvey Perlman said he was disappointed by the comments.

“We are taking some time to consider it and what impact it would have on the university,” Perlman said.

Perlman declined to answer whether Pelini was in danger of losing his job.

Athletic director Shawn Eichorst said he talked to Pelini about the rant.

“I am disheartened and disappointed by the 2011 comments published today attributed to Coach Pelini about our dedicated and passionate fans and supporters,” Eichorst said in a statement. “I have spoken with Chancellor Perlman and I have addressed the situation with Bo and expressed our deep concern.”

Now, I’m no longer a Pelini fan (at least, as a head coach), but Perlman?&#160 Eichorst?

You fucknozzles are true douchebags.&#160 This is Yet Another Reason&#153 why Nebraska is no longer in the PFW.

Let’s go to the football.&#160 It’s Guaranteed Loss Night&#153 for my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, as they take on the Aledo Bearcats (at least, I think they’re the Bearcats).&#160 That’s Aledo, as in top-25-in-the-fucking-nation&#160 Aledo.

The SpatulaLine&#153 is in place on this one, and I’m setting it at 65.&#160 Don’t argue – Aledo’s that good, and Heights is that bad.

UPDATE:&#160 I’m gonna kill my Intelligence division.

Heights doesn’t lose to Aledo until next&#160 week.

Guess I get to run with three teams this week, after all.&#160 (sigh)

Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames travel to Richmond to take on the Spyders.&#160 Richmond’s 1-2, but they should give Liberty all they can handle.

Sunday, Houston travels to Baltimore to take on the RAYMOND LEWIS!!!!!!!-less (as well as Ed Reed-less) Ravens.&#160 Andre Johnson will play this game, or so I’ve been led to believe, so give me Houston & the points (they’re a 1&#189-point road fave).

TCU is guaranteed not to lose this week…why, Wizard…?

MERLIN:&#160 Because they don’t play.

Right.

Now, I really need four teams to make this worth my while, so I’m gonna plug in the Cowgirls hosting the St. Louis Ewes Rams Ewes.&#160 Vegas has the ‘Girlz by 3, so that means Dan Bailey will win it in overtime.

We’re back Monday for the recap.&#160 Hopefully.