Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

[SCENE:&#160 Onboard Titanic, outside Transporter Room 1. The same crew that pulled this stunt off has congregated close to the doorway.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Okay, we’re set on the plan, right?&#160 We’ll beam in, hide in a strategic location, and wait on His Rudeness’ return.

EMPEROR MISHA:&#160 Assuming he hasn’t already figured out the plan – surprising me & my brood last time was&#160 his idea, y’know.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Trust me – he’s too panicked about the TCU game to have even given it a second thought.

CLAUDIUS:&#160 I s-s-s-sure h-h-h-op-p-p-e s-s-s-s-o, Mr Korrioth sir.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Relax, Claudius.&#160 My people & yours are at peace.

CLAUDIUS:&#160 Oh, okay.

B.C.:&#160 Where’s my damned beer?

KORRIOTH:&#160 Wizard…?

[Chief Engineer Merlin gestures, and the requisite case of beer appears before B.C.’s gaping eyes.&#160 B.C. shakes his head in wonder.]

B.C.:&#160 How the fuck d’ya do that?

MERLIN:&#160 Several decades of school, young’un.&#160 Plus a century or two of apprenticeship.

CALIGULA:&#160 Says the whippersnapper.

MERLIN:&#160

KORRIOTH:&#160 Awright, enough!&#160 We only have a few minutes to get down there before they come back with the pizza.&#160 Everyone have their hiding place scoped out?

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 In other words, find a pile of dust and hide behind it?

MERLIN:&#160 Mrs. Venomous would kill you for saying that.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 I’m dead anyway, remember?

T-BONE MCMANX:&#160 He’s got you there, Commander.

MERLIN:&#160 Mheh.

KORRIOTH:&#160 SpatulaGoddess, you have the birthday cake?

THE SPATULAGODDESS:&#160 Angel-food pineapple upside-down cake with Splenda&#169, per your request, Captain.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Excellent, m’lady.&#160 Your service to the Realm&#153 is worthy of song.&#160 Oh, but no Tazmanian clean-up dervishes until later, if you would – Ozy’s right; we need those dust-bunnies for cover.

THE SPATULAGODDESS:&#160 (blush!)

[The group approches the transporter room door, and it parts silently & obediently…to reveal Lord Darth Venomous at the controls.&#160 There is a smug grin on his face, as if he knew all along this was coming.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Going somewhere, boys?

[The group collectively gapes in wonder.&#160 Korrioth is the first to find his voice.]

MERLIN:&#160 How…how did you…you…?

VENOMOUS:&#160 It’s in the script.&#160 [He hands a stack of papers to Korrioth.]&#160 Right there on page three, see?

RAYEGUN:&#160 Dammit, I knew&#160 we shoulda used non-union!

VENOMOUS:&#160

—

Yes, Denizens.&#160 I’m 47 today.&#160 Feel free to tip one or eight (grin) in my honor.

[SCENE:&#160 On the bridge of the new Realm&#153 monstrosity, Titanic.&#160 While Pegasus&#160 is in spacedock awaiting repair after her massive crippling, all her senior staff has transferred to this massive dreadnaught in advance of her maiden voyage.

But all is not sunny-side-up in her command center.&#160 Supreme General Rayegun and Captain Korrioth are engaged in a…uh…slight discussion.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 For the last time, Captain, you are not&#160 taking this ship out until you have achieved flag rank.&#160 And as long as I&#160 rule this government, as far as I’m concerned, it’ll be a cold day in Hell before you do!

KORRIOTH:&#160 And I tell you, General&#160 – I have my orders.&#160 Titanic&#160 launches in two hours.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Not without a flag-rank officer it isn’t, you flea-bitten p’takh!

[Korrioth’s eyes flash at the insult, but he lets it go.&#160 Out of the corner of his eye, the turbolift doors open as Rayegun continues his rant.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 And since I’m headed back to the Southern Command to train my new General, there is no flag-rank officer to take the conn!&#160 And I’ll fire on this vessel if I see her in space without an appropriate command hierarchy in place, do you understand, Captain?!?!?!

[What they hear next makes both men jump two feet in the air]

OFFSTAGE VOICE:&#160 That will not be necessary, General.

[From the turbolift emerges a hooded figure with a slow-but-purposeful stride.&#160 From under the hood, one can see two bright flashes of purple.]

HOODED FIGURE:&#160 I relieve you, sir.

[Rayegun can only stand there, agape.]

RAYEGUN:&#160 I…I…ah…

[Korrioth is quicker to recover, motioning to tactical officer K’hadibak’h.

KORRIOTH:&#160 He stands relieved.&#160 [to K’hadibak’h] Escort the General to his vessel and ensure that it is prepped for departure.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Yes, m’lord!

KORRIOTH:&#160 Thank you.&#160 [to the hooded figure] Welcome back, Admiral.

[The figure removes his hood – and, as expected, it is His Rudeness, Lord Darth Venomous, now fully recovered.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Thank you, Captain.&#160 Report.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Still on schedule for launch, m’lord.&#160 All systems online & functioning normally.&#160 Our new engineer reports the warp drive is properly mixed and ready for all flight modes.

VENOMOUS:&#160 It had better be, Captain.&#160 And tell Mr. Merlin that this is only until we groom McCool’s replacement.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Perhaps we should avoid mentioning Ozy for a few weeks yet, Admiral.&#160 Merlin took his death harder than most.

VENOMOUS:&#160 (nods) Yes.&#160 Point, Mr. Korrioth.&#160 No need to antagonize the wizard any further.&#160 What else?

KORRIOTH:&#160 Oh, and your lightsaber is in your quarters, as per your instructions.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Excellent, Captain.&#160 That is where I’ll be until my presence is required.&#160 Keep me apprised.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Aye, sir.

[Venomous turns and heads into the turbolift.]

(To be continued…)

[ED. NOTE:&#160 This multi-part vignette is being cut short so that the Realm&#153 Players can bring you another short story immediately following.]

[SCENE:&#160 The corridors of Pegasus.&#160 Admiral Darth Venomous has made the horrific realization that the Worf-class Bird of Prey’s main computer has been infected with Windoze Vista&#153 and is the cause behind the degradation of the antimatter containment field.&#160 He uses the Force&#153 to catapult himself towards Main Engineering at breakneck speed in desperate hopes of shutting down the main processor by whatever means may be necessary, before containment completely collapses, resulting in the fiery destruction of the vessel.

Cut to Engineering, where Chief Engineer Ozymandias McCool, having received the frantic directive from Venomous to do whatever he had to do in order to disable the main computer, had procured a phaser and was firing near-blindly into whatever control panels even remotely looked like they might contain isolinear chips.

Cut back to the rapidly-approaching Venomous.&#160 Fifteen feet from the engineering section, the ship suffers a massive jolt and a huge explosion blows the entry doors outward, catching Venomous flush before he can use the Force&#153 to deflect them aside and knocking him backward 30 feet before coming to rest on him.&#160 The last thing we see are the lights going out on deck through the Sith Lord’s eyes as we fade to black.]

OFFSTAGE VOICE #1:&#160 Admiral…?&#160 Admiral, can you hear us?

OFFSTAGE VOICE #2:&#160 M’lord, wake up, please&#160 wake up…

OFFSTAGE VOICE #1:&#160 Looks like he might be coming around.

OFFSTAGE VOICE #2:&#160 Admiral, can you hear us?&#160 Admiral…?

[Fade in gradually.&#160 Things are a blur, as we still see things through the eyes of Lord Venomous.&#160 Clarity & definition are slow in returning, however, then fades back to black as the Admiral re-closes his eyes.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 …uhhhhhhhh…unnnnnnhhh…

[Cut to third-party external view.&#160 SCENE:&#160 the medical wing of Realm&#153 Spacedock.&#160 Realm&#153 Fleet Medical Officer Cmdr. Carlisle Pepper and Supreme General Rayegun hover over the fallen Sith Lord, deep-seated concern only now leaving their faces as the Admiral has shown signs of coming back to life.

RAYEGUN:&#160 He gonna be okay, Doc?

PEPPER:&#160 I think so, yes, General.&#160 His powers of recuperation are quite extraordinary.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Excellent.&#160 I should not have liked to lose both the Admiral and&#160 Chief Engineer McCool in the same day.&#160 Too many others gave their lives today aboard that bird as it is.

PEPPER:&#160 Quite.&#160 On the other hand, had Commander McCool not used his phaser to destroy Pegasus’&#160 main computer, the death toll could have been much&#160 higher.&#160 Will you be assuming day-to-day command and handling the notifications of next-of-kin, General?

RAYEGUN:&#160 Not quite yet, Doctor.&#160 McCool had no family we know of, but I don’t want to consider him completely gone until the Admiral has had a chance to make that decision.&#160 Lord Venomous always has a trick or two up his sleeve that I don’t know about, so keep McCool’s body in stasis until then.&#160 As for day-to-day ops, someone has to handle things until His Rudeness gets back on his feet, so it might as well be me.&#160 How long is&#160 he gonna be there, Doc?

PEPPER:&#160 He’s made incredible progress thus far, General, but he still has a ways to go.&#160 The concussion of the blast, plus the doors falling on him took their toll, and he isn’t as young as he used to be.

RAYEGUN:&#160 He isn’t as young as anyone&#160 used to be, Doc.

PEPPER (suppressing a grin):&#160 Of course, General.&#160 He should be up & around before too long, I’d say.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Good.&#160 Keep me advised, Doctor; I’ll be in Ops continuing the investigation, should you need me.

PEPPER:&#160 Thank you, General.

[Rayegun exits the med wing as we fade out.]

—

The whole purpose of this vignette was to announce the recent installation of Windoze Vista on the Big Box&#153.&#160 However, while performance on my primary machine was mostly postitive, certain functions of Vista were sufficiently pathetic to warrant a return to XP.

Along the way during this two-month sequence, I lost, then subsequently regained the data from my twin 40-gig IDE hard drives, which contained pretty much everything I had in the way of critical stuff – music, tax records, email spanning 10 or so years, backups to the system, that sort of thing.

The system’s now screaming like a banshee running XP SP3 on a 32-gig solid-state SATA hard drive, one of six brand-spanking-new hard drives populating the Big Box&#153.

Schweetness.

NEXT: One of our Klingons is missing… (for real, this time – UPDATE:&#160 After the obligatory May 13th post, that is.)

[SCENE:&#160 On the bridge of Pegasus.&#160 When last we left Our Intrepid Heroes&#153, Chief Engineer Lt. Commander Ozymandias McCool had just announced an imminent warp core breach.&#160 Admiral Darth Venomous immediately ordered all hands to escape pods.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Shit!&#160 RED ALERT!!!&#160 All hands to escape pods!!&#160 ABANDON SHIP!!!

[Pegasus’&#160 bridge begins to clear as personnel scurry for the pods.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Captain, see to the safety of all hands!&#160 Move your ass!

KORRIOTH:&#160 Yes, Admiral.&#160 [He hurries aft.]

VENOMOUS (to speaker):&#160 McCool, can you give us any more time?&#160 Slow down the rate of decay in the matter/anti-matter chamber?

OZY MCCOOL (over speaker):&#160 I’m trying, m’liege, but I need the computer for that, and it’s in the process of frying, too!&#160 All my control displays down here have locked up tight, and three of them have turned solid blue and started spouting gibberish!

VENOMOUS (mostly to himself):&#160 Blue screen?&#160 What the fuck…???&#160 [1.76 seconds later, the light bulb goes off in His Rudeness’ head.&#160 His eyes grow wide as he realizes what it has to be.]&#160 Pipe it up here, Ozy, now!

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 But, Admiral—

VENOMOUS:&#160 Now, Commander!!!!!

[The chief engineer obliges, most fearfully.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Holy fuckin’ shit!!!&#160 Shut it down, McCool!&#160 Shut the motherfucking computer down immediately!!!!!

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 But Admiral, what about—

VENOMOUS:&#160 NOW, Lieutenant!!!

[McCool is too terrified by the Admiral’s desperate tone to even notice that he’s just been demoted.&#160 He runs to his personal console and begins pounding buttons.

The response is what you’ve probably figured out it would be – which is to say, nothing.]

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 No response, Admiral!&#160 She won’t shut down and the breach could happen any second!

VENOMOUS:&#160 I don’t care what it takes, McCool!&#160 Destroy it with a phaser if you have to, but get that fucking computer down!!!

UNKNOWN VOICE (over speaker): 90 seconds to breach, Commander!

VENOMOUS (to himself):&#160 Dammit, dammit, dammit…!!!&#160 [He sprints off the bridge, headed towards Engineering.]

(To be continued…)

[SCENE:&#160 Realm&#153 spacedock.&#160 ISS Pegasus&#160 has just returned from a shakedown voyage to test its new warp core.

In the bay, 750 kellicams off the port bow sits the Realm’s&#153 newest vessel and soon-to-be flagship, Titanic.]

Yeah, I’ve got a certain flair for the foreboding.&#160 Sue me.&#160

[On the bridge of Pegasus, Admiral Darth Venomous is admiring the Kahless-class Dreadnaught as it fills the forward viewscreen]

VENOMOUS:&#160 As Kirk once said, “My friends, the great experiment”.

MERLIN:&#160 One hopes this vessel fares better than her namesake.

VENOMOUS:&#160 It should, Wizard.&#160 There are no icebergs where we’re taking her.

KORRIOTH:&#160 So you’re saying we’re not going hunting for Algore?

ALL:&#160

[Suddenly, the ship rocks violently as the lights wink out.&#160 The red-alert klaxon can be heard going off in the background.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 What the f…?!?!

VENOMOUS (towards intercom:&#160 Engineering!&#160 Ozy, what’s going on down there…?!&#160 [No answer.]&#160 OZY!!!!&#160 Korrioth, get down there and–

OZY MCCOOL (over intercom):&#160 Engineering to Bridge!&#160 We’ve got containment field failure down here!&#160 All the power couplings have blown and I have coolant leak everywhere!!!&#160 I estimate three-and-a-half minutes until a warp core breach!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Shit!&#160 RED ALERT!!!&#160 All hands to escape pods!!&#160 ABANDON SHIP!!!

(To be continued…)

[SCENE:&#160 In orbit above the Shelliak home world, Pegasus&#160 sits quietly, as the admiral and his XO, Korrioth, prepare to beam down to discuss business with the Shelliak.

From the surface, a large torpedo-like ball of energy flies toward, and hits, the ship, encasing it in an aurora borealis of coronal discharge and knocking it out of orbit, crippling several ship’s systems in the process.

On the bridge, bodies go flying – including that of Our Hero&#153, who was not prepared and could not brace himself in time.

Fast forward fifteen minutes later.&#160 The bridge is still a mess, but at least some systems have been restored.&#160 The Admiral, still in his hooded cloak, is on the intercom to Engineering.]

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 Good work, Ozy.&#160 Soon as you have power up, work on bringing the particle disruptors online.

[As main power kicks in and the bridge lights come up, all heads snap around to face the Admiral.&#160 Shocked visages are on the faces of the bridge crew.&#160 Even Captain Korrioth, though his jaw is the only one not on the deck, might be mistaken for Gowron at the moment.]

OZY MCCOOL (over speaker):&#160 Uh…confirm that last order, m’lord?

[A snarl crosses the Admiral’s countenance.&#160 The eyes again glow purple.]

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 You heard the order, Commander.&#160 Now.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 (ulp) Uh…aye, sir.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Admiral, surely…

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 Station, Captain.

[Korrioth visibly swallows hard himself.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Yes, my lord.

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 Helm, bring us within range.&#160 Lock disruptors on the planet.&#160 Their strongest power source, if you can find it.

K’HADIBAK’H (knowing better than to argue):&#160 Yes, Admiral.

[Touching the appropriate controls, K’hadibak’h moves Pegasus&#160 20,000 kellicams from the planet, while simultaneously establishing disruptor lock.&#160 The speakers chirp from the command console, and Ozy’s voice comes across.]

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Engineering to Bridge.&#160 Particle disruptors online and ready.

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 Thank you, Commander.&#160 (to K’hadibak’h) Full power, tactical.&#160 And…fire.

[Cut to external view.&#160 Four particle beams emanating from Pegasus’&#160 wings converge on a point 50 meters ahead of the ship’s bow, then are joined by one larger beam from the ship’s nose.

The unified beam then, after a second’s pause, shoots toward the Shelliak homeworld.&#160 The planet is vaporized on impact, the shockwave sending Pegasus&#160 backwards several hundred thousand kellicams.

As Pegasus&#160 drifts, sheer silence reigns on the bridge for two solid minutes.&#160 The Admiral’s eyes have ceased glowing – for now.&#160 But on his face, a look of intense pain has temporarily replaced the scowl, the result of a severe migraine headache.

Korrioth is the first to break the silence.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Orders, my lord?

[The Admiral considers for a moment, then stands and turns for the bridge doors.]

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 Yes.&#160 I’ll be in my quarters with that Theragen concoction of yours.&#160 Contact our shipmaster and advise him that the…negotiations…with the Shelliak were a failure.&#160 Let him know that the materials he requires will be coming from elsewhere.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Aye, sir.

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 Then set course for Nossican territory and contact their government.&#160 Advise them of our needs and that we’ll pay a fair price.&#160 And send them footage of our Shelliak “negotiations”.

KORRIOTH (swallowing hard again):&#160 Yes, my lord.&#160 Anything else?

[The Admiral turns and freezes Korrioth with the hardest look the Klingon/Vulcan hybrid has ever seen.]

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 Yes.&#160 Make sure they know that they will be dealing directly…

[As he speaks, the Admiral’s eyes are once again ablaze in purple.]

THE ADMIRAL:&#160 …with Lord Darth Venomous himself.

[The Admiral dons the hood and stalks out.]

…

Okay, Denizens, the Big Box&#153 is back up.&#160 Ranting shall now continue, unabated.