Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

(This one will stay on top all day.&#160 Look below for new posts – today only.)

(ED. NOTE:&#160 The following originally appeared in this space a couple of years ago.&#160 I’m reprinting it now, with appropriate tweaks.

And Skip – my son, you may not understand this now, but the reason I’m writing this has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with why you not only don’t get to ever spend any time with me, but also why you (probably) haven’t received a birthday or Christmas present since 2003, thanks to your mother and your grandparents. (More on that later.)

And thanks to what they’re probably telling you about me, you might not even believe any of this – but it’s true, and I have the documentation to prove it.

I do love you, son.&#160 I realize your mother and grandparents will try mightily to persuade you that I don’t – but I do, very much.&#160 Someday – hopefully – I’ll get to tell you to your face.)

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Memo to B. HUSSEIN!!!&#160 Osama Obama: Are you smarter than a fifth-grader???

Okay, so we had the Duchess carry Indiana, while the Manchurian Muslim&#153 took North Carolina.&#160 Which isn’t surprising, really – any state that would cheer for a pussy like NC’s Tyler Hansbrough, you gotta have questions about.&#160 The shame of it is that Duke’s located there, too.

But that’s another post for another day.

Not much has changed – B. HUSSEIN!!!&#160 Osama Obama still leads in delegates; Hillary’s staying in, regardless; neither one has enough to clinch without the superdelegates; the whole idea of “superdelegates” is, in and of itself, one hellaciously asinine idea.&#160 (Which is probably why the Demoscum are so in love with the concept.)

Tomorrow, the Duchess is expected to give Big Flopears&#153 an ass-kicking in W. Virginia.&#160 Which’ll change nothing, but it’s fun to note that B. HUSSEIN!!!&#160 isn’t considered to be the Messiah everywhere.

Gonna be a fun summer.&#160 Keepeth thine eyes peelethed.&#160

(PS:&#160 Oh, yeah – the medical issue from last week cleared itself up.&#160 Without going into too&#160 much detail, it was a flu-like virus in a…ah…a sensitive&#160 area, and we’ll just leave it at that, ‘cept to say that food digestion was more of a chore than usual this weekend. (sigh))

Traitorous bitchizoid Arianna HuffPo of Huffington’s Toast&#160 is bleating mercilessly about how so-called “younger evangelicals” are abandoning the GOP in droves.

Reaction 1:&#160 Consider the source – Ari’s Bullshit Rag&#153 could tell me the sky was blue, and I’d go outside to double check.

Reaction 2:&#160 I wouldn’t call these pussies “evangelicals” any more than I’d call John-Boy McZhamnesty a “conservative”.

Try again, Ari, you Cupid Stunt&#153.

Denizens, it’s Ma’s Day, as you know.

Now me, I have no one to wish a Happy Mother’s Day.&#160 Mine’s long since dead, as are both my grandmothers, and though there’s not as much of it now, there has&#160 been enough friction between myself & my stepmother to where I don’t really feel led to express those sentiments.&#160 (Besides, she has four kiddos of her own; let them&#160 handle it.)

And if anyone this side of sanity thinks I’m wishing Steffi the Doublewide Bitch Extreme Supreme&#153 a happy Mother’s Day – get back over to the other side of sanity where you effin’ belong.

Which, after all that, leaves only one option for this King & Tyrant&#153.

Go here and wish the SpatulaGoddess a Happy Happy&#153.

That’s an order.&#160

I’m stealing this from Zippo the Pirate.

Oil Change Instructions fer Wimmens

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

=====

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 – 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total – – $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Denizens, your King & Tyrant&#153 is a little under the weather right now (and for once, it has abso-friggin’-lutely squat&#160 to do with the Migraine Nebula&#160 &#160 ), so posting will be a little lighter than usual.

As in, there might be nothing pertaining to original content until, say, Tuesday.

Still have plenty of stuff from the Grab-Bag&#153, though, so keep checking back.

[SCENE:&#160 Deep space.&#160 Pegasus&#160 has traversed a sizable portion of the quadrant, and now finds itself in Shelliak Corporate space.&#160 A warship blocks her path.

On the bridge, Captain Korrioth is engaged in…ah…a discussion&#160 with the representative from the Shelliak over the parts & materials they need for the new Battlehawk-class dreadnaught.]

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The Department of Perspective Please, People! turns in this report on some Plano ISD students who could probably stand to invest in somewhat thicker skins.

Some Plano students who are Jewish say they were pressured or taunted to pick up copies of the New Testament from school display tables during recent weeks.

While their fellow Jews half a world away are surrounded by their enemies, face daily rocket attacks in some cases, and are (in some quarters) blamed for everything from 9/11 to the common cold.

You poor, pitiable, picked-on pissants.

Their parents have called for changes in district policies that allow outside groups to distribute materials on campus.

Because as we all know, we Christians are still burning ’em at the stake and engaging in Torquemada-style Inquisitions&#153 agin’em all.&#160 Rack, thumbscrews, 40 lashes, battery-enhanced electrodes to the nipples – we’re just torturing&#160 ’em all until they CONVERT, BAH GAWD!!!!

“Probably the one I heard the most was, ‘If the Bible touched you, like, will you burn or something?’ ” said Jeffrey Lavine, 16, a sophomore at Vines High School. “I sort of played it down as a joke and everything, which it was, but it was definitely a meaner comment than what we’re used to.”

I think it’s a damned valid question, myself.&#160 Why are you guys so afraid to even touch&#160 the New Testament?&#160 Do you think it was written in pigs’ blood or something?&#160 Do you honestly believe you’ll suffer spontaneous combustion if you so much as lay a pinky thereupon?

Plano officials said they pulled aside some students to talk about respect and tolerance after the recent complaints, but no students have been disciplined.

Of course, if some Plano students were to express extreme disrespect towards Christianity, we all know what would happen to said students, don’t we?

CRICKETS:&#160 (chirp chirp!!!)

Exactly.

Cheryl Halpern, who is Jewish, said it’s especially tough for kids who aren’t Christian. Her sons saw the Bible displays at Frankford Middle School last week.

The horror!!!!! (gasp!!!)

“Being a minority religion, we’re concerned when materials are distributed that may create uncomfortable situations for our children with their classmates,” she said.

Because as is common knowledge all around this great country of ours, it’s not the crumb-crunchers’ education&#160 that’s the top priority – it’s the little rug-rats’ comfort.&#160 Nothing else matters – right, Ms. Hslpern???&#160 Cain’t mess with the widdle knee-highs’ self-esteem, can you, you ass-hatted moron-ette?

How about you enroll your kiddos in school along the Gaza Strip, bimbo, then&#160 tell me about your kids’ “comfort”?

Sheesh.&#160

Denizens, it’s been the Weekend of the Sibling Unit&#153 the last couple of days (Friday was his birthday), which is why you’ve not heard anything from here.

No worries, though – posting begins anew next week.&#160 Stay tuned.

Denizens, I still got nothing – trying to slog one’s way through an A+ course curriculum will do that (don’t get me wrong – I already have an A+ cert, but it’s eight years old as of this year and the material has been severely upgraded since then).

But even though you’ve probably already seen this, I thought it was a good thing to highlight.

Besides, it beats the hell out of ripping Roger “Horndog on Steroids” Clemens for wanting to bang every other woman in the world not&#160 named Debbie Clemens.&#160 Who, I might add, got her gorgeous ass thrown under the bus during Congressional testimony:

10:37 – McNamee related another discussion with Clemens about using HGH and, once again, Clemens blamed his wife and said that she was the one using the drugs, not him. Classy move to blame the wife. Jimmy Dugan would be proud.

If I’m a baseball owner, I’d sooner have Mallory Holtman and Liz Wallace on my team than Roger Clemens.&#160 And you can quote me.