Welcome to the Realm™ - Version 5.0...

(Yeah, it’s a rerun of a rerun of a rerun.  Of a rerun.  Et cetera, ad infinitum, ad nauseamBite Sue me, mkay?  I’m busy cooking. )

I first penned (penned?) this screed (g) on 11/17/01.  I thought it appropriate then (and still do), it being Thanksgiving and all, to jot down a list of those things for which I was thankful.  This year the tradition continues, below the fold, as usual with only a few minor tweaks to keep things current:

First of all, let me once again  apologize for not blogging as much as I wish I could.  Ideally, I’d be cranking out two or three posts a day.  There’s certainly that much going on in the world, and it tears at my gut to be missing the opportunities to write about these things.  Pains me even more to think that you, the Denizens, are missing out on most of My Eternal Wisdom™. 

The fact is that I simply have not had time to do one of the things that I enjoy more than I ever thought I would – writing.  I never for a moment, sitting in my first ever English Composition college class twenty-five thirty years ago (Great Honkin’ Cthulhu™, has it been that long????), taught by a guy I believed to be an idiot, thought that I would ever come to the point that I actually got a kick out of slapping thoughts on page.

Amazing how things change.

But, I digress.  There’s not been enough time.  There’s never  been enough time, but that’s beside the point.  I’ve been swamped at work, and that’s when I’m not trying to renew a certification.  This is taking me away from the chores I need to be doing – keeping the house clean, doing the laundry in a timely fashion, cleaning the kitchen, picking up dog crap off the carpet, those sorts of things.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):  Since when do you  do those things anymore, slave driver?

VENOMOUS:  Since I have you to do them for me, sweetie… (plants long kiss on the lips of Mrs. Venomous)

MRS. VENOMOUS (tossing aside cast-iron skillet):  (swoon!!!!!)

Anyway, when I do finally get around to those things, they keep me from doing stuff I like to do – like surfing the Web and writing these columns.

Which brings me around to the topic at hand.  Thanksgiving’s today, and it’s a good time to kick back and tick off the things for which your obdt.  svt.  (a little Blackie Sherrod lingo, there) is thankful:

God.  The God of the Bible.  The God of Abraham, Issac, Jacob, David and Solomon.  That  God.  Not Allah, not Muhammad, not Cthulu, not crystals and/or chakras and/or trees.  God.  Too damned few of us show our Creator too damned little appreciation for everything He’s given us, and do trust me when I tell you that that little tidbit has not  escaped His attention.

His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the work He performed on the cross that allowed me to receive His salvation.  (An aside:  Yeah, in case anyone didn’t know – I’m a Christian.  Not anywhere close to being the best example thereof, to be sure, but I’m still being worked on, and you’re just gonna have to be patient. (grin))

Being an American, and free to worship as I choose.  For now, given whom the morons of this country just put into office.

My wife, Mrs. Venomous.  Yes, Denizens, I haven’t really mentioned it all that much this past year, given my track record with such pronouncements (rueful grin) – but it’s once more through the marriage breach, dear friends.  That’s five now – yes, it does pain me to say that – and So Help Me Cthulu™, this is the last one, forever & ever, a-freakin’-men.  But this one has convinced me that the institution of marriage really is a Good Thing™ – she cares for me more than the other four combined.  (No offense intended, D.)

My current home – a one-story, one-bedroom jobber I share with the aforementioned Mrs, a chow/terrier and a huge lump of muscle & energy in the shape of a collie/sheltie mix.  Not the cozy cottage in Forney, but at least I have an office again from which to pen (pen?) these screeds.

My son – Stephen Geoffrey “Skip” Crager, Jr.  (although his doublewide-assed mother insists on calling him “Geoffrey”).  Even though I haven’t seen you since 2003, Skip, I still love you.  Always will.  Always remember that.

Friends & family, some more than others.  Even the ones who are diametrically opposed to me in their beliefs.

And while I’m thinking about it – and I should have really mentioned this last year, too – my sister in law.  My brother, heretofore doomed to a lifetime of Eternal Bachelorhood™ – not necessarily a Bad Thing™, given his sibling’s aforementioned catastrophic track record – was pulled from that abyss by a wonderful woman he met only a couple of years prior.  They celebrated their first anniversary back in August, and while it hasn’t been Easy Street™ for them, they’re doing better than okay.

Employment.  Specifically, mine as a desktop technician, where I get to play with computers all day long – in effect, getting paid to practice my hobby.

(Thankfully, I’ve had a full-time gig since 2006, for a company known to me and only to me – since I know pussies like Cianderella Tierney, who bitched long and loud about me being a NetKKKop before having his ass exposed as a lying skank that doesn’t work at EDS, would love to find out where I work and try to get me fired…)

Okay, where was I…?

MP3s.  The ability to take all my all-time favorite songs, regardless of format, and transfer them to something I can listen to in my car.  Fuck you,  Hilary Rosen.

Turkey.  Lots of it, preferably drumsticks.

Leftovers.  Turkey sammiches with lots of mustard.  YEAH!

(Well, hold the bread on that.  I have got to-got to-got to start paying more attention to Atkins.)

An American President who, though he is still not completely trustworthy in my eye, is at least giving the impression that he is, at least, trying – which is a damn sight better than what we could have had, hm?  And at least this guy understands that the Presidency isn’t just one big frat party.  (This will be crossed out at least until 2012 2017.)

The military which he commands.  Peepz, these men & women do a helluva job protecting you and yours and the freedoms you enjoy, and they do it for pretty much next-to-nothing.  Next time you see one, take a moment to say, “Thank you”.  (Another aside:  When I first posted this, I left out one very important group of guys:  the Coast Guard.  Unconscionable, since one of my readers served in that very branch.  Mr. Slagle, my apologies – and my thanks.)

My car:  A 2007 Chevy Cobalt 2012 Hyundai Genesis Coupe 2.0T turbo.  Fast, fast, sleek, fast, fully equipped – and did I mention it was fast? (grin)

A seafood restaurant chain here locally by the name of “Ole Whiskers”.  Catfish, chicken, ribs, stuffed crab, onion rings, and a host of other great stuff.  Catfish topped with Tabasco© sauce has become a staple.

My current box – a Pentium 2.66-GHz with 2 gigs of DDR RAM an Acer Aspire HP Pavilion with eight gigs of RAM (still have the Aspire, but it’s now the work machine).  Two 20″-plus monitors so that I don’t have to squint anymore when I write these things.  (Well, not much, anyway – at 1280×1024, things are still awfully small.)

The aforementioned crap-on-the-carpet dogs – she’s still a precious little lapdog, and she captures the heart of anyone that meets her.  The aforementioned collie mix – a whirling dervish that tears everything up, but he has an infectious personality.  Even my brother’s little min-pin and dachsund, Mindy & Demi respectively – two of the most affectionate dogs you’ll ever see.

Ham.  Not as much as a turkey drumstick, but leftover ham does go good with eggs.

Any college football team that severely thrashes the Texas A&M Aggies.  (Not anymore.  Now that they’re rid of Dennis “The Mercenary” Franchione, and they’re getting their heads handed them on a weekly basis, it’s probably more appropos to pity them.) (Rescinded until such time as they prove they can beat someone without officiating help.) Mkay, I stand corrected – they beat Bama.

Any college football team that severely thrashes Nebraska.  (Not since they hired Bo Pelini, and hopefully never again.)

Any college football team that severely thrashes Miami.

Any college football team that severely thrashes Arkansas.

Any college football team that severely thrashes Texas.  (Unless it’s Arkansas.)

Any pro  football team that severely thrashes ARRRRRRRRRR GEEEEEEEEEEE THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

TCU’s Horned Frogs.  After your best job (again) ever last year, Gary Patterson.  You’ve established yourself as one of, if not the  best coaches the program’s ever had.  Do the city of Fort Worth a favor – don’t go all Franchione on us and jilt us for Bama or Notre Dame or somesuch, mkay?

Any college football team that severely thrashes SMUT.

Any college football team that severely thrashes Bastard Smurf-Turf State.  (That’d be you, Boise, and until you can prove that you can win something without having to resort to “trickeration”, that’s the way it’ll stay.  You potato-humping pussies are nothing bur frauds.)

(What with TCU’s win at Boise this year, all – for the moment – is kinda-sorta forgiven.  Let’s not play again for a while, mkay?)

Any pro football team that kicks the crap out of Donna McNabb and the Philthydelphia Beagles Warshington Foreskins – something the Cowboys did last year (twice), should have done this year in Warshington, and will do this year in Dallas.  (He’s not even playing for the ViQueens now, so never mind.)

Tony Romo.  Especially if he ever wins a playoff game… (sigh)  (Assuming he can play behind something resembling an offensive line.) (Not until he can win something.)

MERLIN:  Yeah, that line’s offensive, alright.

VENOMOUS:  Hush, you.


Jerry Jones – for signing that extension for Romo. (grin) (See above.)

Southern Baptist churches that aren’t afraid to call themselves “Baptist”. (Not since they climbed into bed with the enviro-nutjob movement.  Now it’s any church that unashamedly preaches the Gospel and refuses to compromise with its enemies.)

An occasional road trip – maybe to go fishing, or even if it’s work-related.  I love staying in hotels where I can crank up the AC at night, and not have to worry about the electric bill (grin).

Microsoft.  No, all you morons at the federal judiciary – Bill Gates does not run a monopoly, and you damned well know it.  What he does do is run an extremely successful company, one that you bastards tried to shake down for $$$$, and failed.  It’s not a secret that the tech sector crashed simultaneously with Janet El Reño’s baseless attack against Microsoft.  (Linus Torvalds, and the job he’s done with Linux.  And the fine folks at Ubuntu)

Spanish-language television channels.  You will not find a better-looking collection of major babes anywhere on Planet Earth.  And they don’t mind letting people know that they’re women either, dammit.  Take that, NOW.  :-)

Mashed potatoes.  With a ton of gravy.  (Atkins be damned on this one.  (grin))

Ranch-style beans™.  (Well, not so much now, seeing as ConAgra Backstabbing Foods has decided to shut down the Fort Worth plant that RSB has called home forever – but it’s still a nice little bean.)

Sweet tea – even though, being a Type II diabetic, I can no longer drink the stuff (make mine Sweet ‘n Low, 3 packets per 40 ounces, please unsweetened, unless it’s peach or cranberry tea, please).

Hooters’ hot wings.  Scenery’s not bad, either. 

Dueling-piano bars.  Picture two baby-grands.  Picture two players with crass senses of humor.  Picture some of the raunchiest lyrics ever conceived – sometimes on the fly.  Picture yourself laughing your ass off.  Try it sometime.

Rush Limbaugh.  Sean Hannity.  (There’s a rant coming on this assclown.)  Mark Levin.  Glenn Beck (though Levin seems to not like him for some reason).  Michael Savage.  Michael Reagan – and, in case I’ve not mentioned it before…his dad, too.

Ann Coulter.  Michelle Malkin.  (Not since Horseface foisted the Romerrhoid on us, and you already know how I feel about Malicious Malkin.)  Laura Ingraham.  Sigh, yowzah. 

The Blogosphere™.  Specifically, Misha and Alan Henderson – for getting me into this blogging thing.

My hairstylist.  In all my lifetime, I’ve only found three people who could fully understand what I wanted done to my hair, and do it right in a minimum of time:  one retired about 15 years ago.  This one’s just as good as her predecessor – and she’s a major babe, too.  (grin)

Broadband.  Forney didn’t get it on a widespread basis – but I have Verizon FiOS Time Warner Cable AT&T U-verse now, and I rock yet again…(though, as soon as Verizon FiOS comes to Arlington I get just this much more  pissed at AT&T… (grin))

And finally (though this list is by no means complete) – you Denizens who keep coming back to the site in hopes that I’ve updated it.  Without you guys, why am I doing this?  Thanks very much for being here.

And Happy Thanksgiving.  Remember the Source from whom the blessings originate…


Denizens, while we’re all recovering from our collective L-tryptophan stupor, there’s still football to be played, starting around 3:30 Central Standard Time.

Today, the Warshington Foreskins, with The Greatest Ever Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever!!!!!™, ARRRRRR GEEEEEEE THREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!, come to the Death Star™ to take on the Cowgirls.

Usually, the Girlz feast on rookie quarterbacks – except thie year, of course.  They let Seattle’s Russell Wilson beat them, and they had problems with Nick Foles at Philly, too.  So Griffin gets another presumably easy task, where a piss-poor team makes him look like Mr. Universe.

Tonight, Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs travel down to Austin to (hopefully) kick the snot out of the Texas University Short-dicks Longhorns Short-dicks.  TU seriously isn’t that good, and they’re ripe for an upset, so I have my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow, Bo Pelini’s 14th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers are off to Iowa for their annual Black Friday tilt with – wouldn’t you know it – the black-shirted Iowa Hawkeyes.  Big Red is a healthy 15-point road favorite here, so Taylor may actually get a bit of rest by the third quarter.

Saturday, it’s the annual Bedlam game between 13th-ranked Oklahoma and 21st-ranked Oklahoma State.  For once, the game’s in Norman (after the last two years in Stillwater), so I feel a little better about this game than I might’ve normally.  But Vegas only has the Sooners as a seven-point favorite at home, so watch out.

Also Saturday is probably my last chance for an Executive Fiat™ win this year. as Bucky travels to Unhappy Valley to take on the (hack, spit) Penn State Nittany Pussies (hack, spit).  If Bret Bielema’s boys ever needed a win, this is it.  Don’t fail me, Bret.

We’re back Monday with the recap.  And it’ll be Monday, too, now that I’ll finally have some time to get things done.


Those of you who have read me for any  length of time – well, you probably knew it was coming all along, didn’t you? – but you know damned well what this is.

For now, click the link.  Go ahead.  Click it.  I effin’ dare  you.

And turn it up.  Waaaaaay  up.    )

That’s right, sportz fanz:  It’s vacation time for His Rudeness™.  A chance to Get Away From It All™, as it were.

Thanks to Bambi & his shitty economy, though, Mrs. Venomous & I are staying in town and not doing a helluva lot, due to the money just not being there.

MRS. VENOMOUS:  Ohhhhhh, don’t worry, sweetie.  We’ll find plenty  of things to do. (wink)


Vicar, General – you guys have the conn.  General…when you’re done chlorinating the gene pool of Twinkie-hating union goons down there in the Southern Command™, could I borrow another squadron of those black helicopters…? 


Glossary -  Disclaimer - Privacy Policy - History - The SpatulaFAQ
This blog is best viewed with your eyes. 
It helps, though, if you have Microsoft Internet Explorer  set about 1024x768 1280x1024 with your Favorites window activated on the left deactivated.  (At least until I can get a better handle on how WordPress works.)

(KORRIOTH:  Oh, great.  More wormholes.)

Mozilla Firefox doesn't do too badly, either; in fact, it's His Rudeness' browser of choice.
You can  use Nutscrape,  if you so desire - but why in blazes would you want to use a browser from a company that had to hide behind Janet El Reño's skirt to be successful?

And don't even  get me started on Opera or Chrome.  I'm not about  to trust any browser that won't let me change its color scheme.
Spatula City BBS! was based on WordPress platform 2.6 (it's 3.05 3.31 now), RSS tech , RSS comments design by Gx3.