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Denizens, I was going to pontificate at length (as we start this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153) about how Roger Goodfella Goodell had gone all pussified sexist on us and hired four bimbos women to help oversee their domethtic violenthe polithies&#160 ‘n all, and about how the witchhunt over any NFL’er who had so much as looked&#160 crossways at a woman had begun (they’ve already arrested & suspended more players), and how all NFL employees are going to have to undergo thenthitivity “awareness” training, and so on & so forth.&#160 And about how this is no longer the game with which I fell in love, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Then I saw this.

Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III was told by an NFL representative to flip his ‘Know Jesus, Know Peace’ t-shirt inside-out at a press conference over his dislocated ankle on Sunday, reportedly because it was not a Nike t-shirt.

OOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!&#160 THAT BIG BAD BOOGEYMAN, JAY-ZUSSSSS!!!!!ONE!!1!!ELEVENTY!!!!!~

Wonder if Goodfella Goodell ever paused to ponder that, if he & his minions didn’t sneer so much at The Lord Jesus Christ, there might not be so much of the shit that’s going on in the NFL right now, eh what?

Let’s get to the football.&#160 Phil Young takes my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets into battle at Farrington Field tonight against the Grapevine Mustangs.

Grapevine only won one game last year, has a new head coach and (from listening to local punditry) doesn’t quite have their legs under them just yet.&#160 Gimme Heights in another squash (which, if it proves out, will mean a complete turnaround from last year’s non-district schedule, where they went 0-4 0-3).

Sunday, Tennessee, fresh off its humiliation at the hands of the Cowgirls, visits Andy Dalton & the Bengals of Cincy.&#160 The Orange & Black are only a seven-point favorite at home – which seems to me to be a bit low – but maybe Vegas knows something I don’t.

TCU is off, so we’ll do four wildcard games this week:&#160 Bowling Green State U. and #19 Wisconsin (squash alert), Iowa at UPittsburgh, #6 Texas A&M at SMUT (Schmear Schmoo) and Central Michigan in Lawrence to play Rock Chalk.&#160 (This is Charlie Weis’ last year, you heard it here first.&#160 I don’t care if I-State did&#160 beat Iowa last week, CM’s gonna come in here and torch ’em.)

We’re back Monday (hopefully) for the recap.&#160 In the meantime…if the light truly has&#160 come on in Cowgirlville, make sure you have Demarco Murray on your fantasy team, ’cause he’s going to gash St. Louis so much you’ll be seeing Ram bone…

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Denizens, I simply ran out of time to get the recap in like I wanted, so here’s the summary:

Arlington Heights 28, at Scots Valley (CA) 14

at TCU 30, Minnesota 7

at Duke 41, Kansas 3

at Fresno State 19, Nebraska 55

at Tennessee 10, Dallas 26

at Cincinnati 24, Atlanta 10

Notable in this group was that Arlington Heights is, apparently, the first Texas “hah skrewl” (a little Rush lingo, there) team to ever play a game in Californication.&#160 (I’m rather dubious about that claim, but whatever.)

Otherwise…where’s this Nebraska team been?&#160 This is what I was accustomed to seeing when the Huskers were in the PFW. (And if they keep playing like this, I may have to reevaluate leaving them out this year.)

And it looks like the light may have finally come on in Cowgirlville:&#160 Run the ball, control the clock, don’t put all your eggs in the Romo basket (IOW, don’t give him a chance to be El Choko again) and keep your suspect D off the field as much as possible.

Don’t count on it continuing – at least, as long as pass-happy Jason “Red-Headed Jeebus” Garrett is still in charge.

This week:&#160 4-2.&#160 Overall:&#160 16-2.

The PFW will return Friday, when I will muse at some length (sort of) on the further pussification of the NFL.

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Denizens, this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 begins with NFL mafia don head honcho Roger Goodfella Goodell getting caught acting like the mafia don head honcho mafia don this scribe has always thought him to be.

Recall, if you will, how the NFL just got through suspending Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice after the Ravens terminated his contract following that video of him delivering a Joe Frazier-caliber left hook to the noggin of his main squeeze.&#160 At time time, Goodell claimed that that was the first time the NFL had seen the video.

Welllllll…not so fast there, Sparky.

A law enforcement official says he sent a video of Ray Rice punching his then-fiancée to an NFL executive five months ago, while league executives have insisted they didn’t see the violent images until this week.

The official played The Associated Press a 12-second voicemail from an NFL office number on April 9 confirming the video arrived. A female voice expresses thanks and says: “You’re right. It’s terrible.”

[…]

The law enforcement official, speaking to the AP on condition of anonymity because of the ongoing investigation, says he had no further communication with any NFL employee and can’t confirm anyone watched the video. He said he was unauthorized to release the video but shared it unsolicited because he wanted the NFL to have it before deciding on Rice’s punishment.

The NFL has repeatedly said it asked for but could not obtain the video of Rice hitting Janay Palmer — who is now his wife — at an Atlantic City casino in February.

The league says it has no record of the video and that no one in the league office had seen it until it was released by TMZ on Monday. Asked about the voicemail Wednesday, NFL officials repeated their assertion that no league official had seen the video before Monday.

Soooooo…an initial slap-on-the-wrist for Rice, followed by a cover-up.&#160 “Nuthin’ t’ see here, move ‘long, we don’ know what’cher talk’n ’bout.”

Fairly typical behavior from Roger Goodfella, hm?

Let’s get to the football.&#160 My Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, having conquered a couple teams that would’ve beat the crap out of them last year, now Go West, Young Men&#153 – in this case, out Californication way to Scots Valley to play the locals out there.

I honestly don’t know who’s going to win this one – though I’m always leery about games like this.&#160 Gimme Heights and 50.

Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs are home again this weekend to play the UMinne-haha Golden Ferrets Gophers of the B1G (that’s “Big Ten” for the Church of the SubTarded).&#160 Vegas has the Froggies as a 15&#189-point favorite at home – which sounds a bit high to me, given that TCU’s still fine-tuning its offense and&#160 Boykin’s still at QB, but I guess we’ll see.

Sunday, Andy Dalton & the Cincy Bengals play host to Matt Ryan and the Hotlanta Falcons.&#160 Vegas has Cincy as a five-point home favorite.

I dunno about this.&#160 I’m not a believer any more in Matt Ryan – yet he does&#160 tend to eat up questionable secondaries – and Cincy has Terrence “Bust” Newman back there.&#160 This could get ugly.

For my wildcard games, we’re going to go with Nebraska at Fresno State (if McNeese nearly pulled off the upset in Lincoln, Fresno’s going to kill them), Kansas at Duke (the Devils get to pwn them in football, too) and the Dallas Cowgirls at Tennessee.&#160 (No, I still don’t like Widdle Jakie Locker, but Dallas doesn’t have anything this year.&#160 I seriously think the ‘Girlz may go 0-16.)

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.&#160 In the meantime, SMUT, which had June “Why Did I Leave Hawaii?” Jones just up & quit on them, is guaranteed not to lose this weekend…because (all together now)…

ENTIRE CAST & CREW OF SCBBS:&#160 …THEY DON’T PLAY!!!!!

See ya Monday.

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(The following is a column which appeared on my old web site, www.spatulacitybbs.com, on September 11th, 2001.&#160 It is re-posted now in remembrance of then.

This will very likely be the last time this ever gets posted, as I do intend to close Spatula City sometime next year.)

NOTE: This column contains some coarse language. Back out now if such language offends you, please.

I got four hours of sleep last night. I’m fighting the obligatory yearly case of tonsillitis. My throat hurts like Hell ™, my body is racked with soreness, and – not to put too fine a point thereupon – I’m in need of a tube of Prep H.

You get the idea. (sigh)

So here I am on LBJ Freeway in Dallas, plodding my way through traffic, fighting hard the urge to fall asleep at the wheel, literally. I’m listening to our sports-talk/guy-talk station on AM, the Ticket (KTCK 1310), when the sports jocks there suddenly exclaim something to the effect of, “WTF…?!”. Apparently, a heavy jet has veered off course and slammed into one of the World Trade Center twin towers in New York City.

“Wow,” I’m thinking, “they’ll likely stay with this one all day”, and I immediately turn over to the news/talk station here, WBAP 820, for all the coverage. Yes, I admit it – I’m fascinated by carnage.

At that point, though, I’m thinking tragic accident. Somebody’s plane lost its hydraulics and careened out of control, and the World Trade Center, unfortunately, was simply in the way.

That was 7:50. At 8:09, my worldview – and that of 280 million Americans, I would bet – changed radically.

At that point, a second jet slammed headfirst into the other tower. At that point, it’s not just a major tragedy. This looks just a weeeee bit too organized to be a coincidence.

It’s 8:20 when I get to the office, and I meet my buddy and old Wingtip Courier dispatcher as he’s driving up. He hasn’t been paying attention to anything. We get inside the office, and I bring him and our other compadre up to speed on things (he wasn’t listening to the radio, either, which was surprising). I go into my office and try pulling up a video stream for any of this. It’s 8:25.

Fifteen minutes later, the message is clear: America is under attack for the first time in 60 years. Yet another heavy jet has crashed – this one into the Pentagon. Reports are coming in about multiple hijackings. I’ve read a report about a worldwide alert issued last Friday concerning our resident international terrorist, Osama bin Laden, Two & two are quickly starting to come together.

(Side note: Don’t let them tell you they had no warning. I’m not kidding about that worldwide alert concerning bin Laden. They knew. Damned right they knew.)

(SECOND SIDE NOTE:&#160 As I go through the years, I’m less inclined to blame the Bush Administration than I was nine years ago.&#160 Sure, they knew it was possible, but all they had was a general warning.&#160 Nothing specific that said they were going to do what they did precisely on that day.&#160 So the Bush Administration gets a pass from me on this one.

The Demoscum, on the other hand…)

I can’t pull up anything on the ‘Net – and I have a T1 at work. The radio offers some details, but I want to know more. I run across the street to the CompUSSR to scope out the TV images.

And ohmigod – what TV images. I saw the second plane come in behind the first tower, and a plume of fire and deep black smoke explode out the other side. I saw the collapsed side of the Pentagon. I saw both WTC towers collapse – I had to ask someone if they’d collapsed all the way, so incredulous was the scene there. (A third building nearby would collapse six hours later.) I heard reports of yet another plane crash – this one near Pittsburgh. Rumor has it that the plane was headed to Camp David – we’re somewhere around the anniversary of the Camp David accords, so I hear.

Returned to work around 11:00 in a state of near-shock. Twenty minutes later, I received the go-ahead to go home. After a quick stop-off at the school to check on my wife, I arrived home and turned on the TV to Fox.

The images there were even more unbelievable than before. Fox had the direct angle on the second tower hit. They also had better angles on the collapse of both towers – although by that time, there was so much smoke & dust that one could hardly make anything out.

After a quick lunch, I sit down here to gather news stories, and I find this.

That’s right, sports fans. Here are a group of Palestinian squids laughing, dancing and cheering the attack on us, whom they call “the Great Satan”.

Compassionate people, those Palestinians.

Okay, now that I’ve bored you with my day, here’s my analysis: CNN early on was doing everything it could to avoid calling it a terrorist attack. But, Spatulaites & Spatulaettes, it’s too coordinated, too organized to be anything but. These events had to be planned months in advance. Certain people had to be installed at just the right junctures in order to pull this off – our airport security procedures, despite the fact that they’re handled by part-timers making minimum wage, are still way too strict. People who knew how to fly those planes had to arrange for passage on these planes. This would have been a major undertaking for simply one airliner – for four to have been hijacked in this manner and turned into suicide machines screams for the fact that this is more than just a Chinese fire drill.

So. Who’s got the capability to pull it off? Who has the money to train these thugs, place them right where they needed to be placed, and then turned loose? And who among them hates us enough to target us? Not to mention, who’s stupid-assed enough to try it?

If you haven’t figured it out by now, go back to school and take a comprehensive reading course. You think about it, there’s really only one man who qualifies: Osama bin Laden.

There can be no question. The mastermind behind the 1993 bombing at the aforementioned World Trade Center is so consumed with hatred for the United States that it sticks in his craw that he failed to bring us down eight years ago. So he decided to try and finish the job, gambling that we’ll be too chicken-shit to do anything about it.

(Second side note: Yeah, the Palestinians and the Taliban in Afghanistan are denying responsibility. Don’t believe the bastards. This is their baby.)

This is where George W. Bush needs to prove him wrong. Take this one to the bank, my friends: The Bush presidency – whether he believes it or not, whether he likes it or not – rides on how he handles this.

America is screaming for justice. More to the point, America is screaming for revenge. This is nothing short of an act of war. Yes, war. There’s been a formally undeclared one on us now, by most of the non-Israeli countries of the Middle East, for several years now. The Muslims hate our guts. The Syrians, the Iraqis, the Iranians – we’re their enemy. “Death To America” has been cruising at #1 on the Middle Eastern Top 40 for several years. They’re getting bolder, too – because they think we’re too cowardly to fight back. They think we’ve forgotten how to fight.

If George Bush has any balls, now’s the time to prove them wrong.

This is your solution, like it or not: Any country harboring terrorists – that would include Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Libya, Syria, et. al. – must be wiped from the face of the earth.

Scramble 30 bombers. Five warheads each – six if the plane will hold it. Bomb the shit out of these countries – get rid of these raghead bastards.

So what if you take innocents out, too? This is war, people. They don’t care about killing our innocents; why should we give a shit about theirs??

And that goes for the Palestinians, too. Let’s do Israel a favor and eliminate those sons-of-bitches from the annals of history, as well. They want to laugh and make merry at our misfortune, they need to pay the ultimate price.

Show the world some balls, George W. Teach them that there’s a price for fucking with America. Demonstrate to them that we have not forgotten how to fight!

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0-16, anyone?

at Arlington Heights 36, Princeton 7

at #2 Alabama 41, Florida Atlantic 0 (Rain-shortened)

at #19 Nebraska 31, McNeese State 24

#20 Kansas State 32, at Iowa State 28

Cincinnati 23, at Baltimore 16

San Transexual 28, at Dall-ass 17

Y’know, I really thought Princeton was better than that.

Shows what I know:

A balanced rushing attack from Fort Worth Arlington Heights helped the Yellow Jackets to a 2-0 start to the season after defeating the Princeton Panthers 36-7 at Farrington Field.

Kerrion Graves led the Yellow Jackets on the ground with 90 yards on four carries, highlighted by an 80-yard touchdown run in the fourth quarter. Terrence Gilliam provided two touchdowns and 64 yards of rushing, while Deion Hair’Griffin added 62 yards on nine carries.

Arlington Heights had 400 yards of total offense, 286 yards rushing and 114 passing as Princeton fell to 1-1.

So is Heights that good, or is Princeton that bad?

Maybe we should start the chant: WE WANT ALEDO!!!!&#160 WE WANT ALEDO!!!!!&#160

A massive thunderstorm halted play between Bama & the Owls midway through the fourth quarter.

Didn’t matter.

Blake Sims had 214 passing yards and Jake Coker threw for 202 to lead the second-ranked Crimson Tide to a 41-0 win over Florida Atlantic on Saturday in a game cut short early for lightning. It’s the first time two Alabama quarterbacks had thrown for 200 yards in the same game and the second most passing yards in program history behind Scott Hunter’s 484 against Auburn in 1969.

Both quarterbacks got a chance to make a case for the Tide’s starting job in a one-sided game. The schools agreed to end the game with 7:53 left and Alabama (2-0) nearing the end zone again.

With a minute & a half left in the third quarter, K-State was 19 down to Iowa State.

Cue the massive comeback.

For about a quarter, it looked as if Kansas State was going to get run out of Ames.

The Wildcats survived a furious upset bid from Iowa State by leaning heavily on quarterback Jake Waters and a defense that shined in the second half.

Waters had an 8-yard touchdown run with 1:30 left to push 20th-ranked Kansas State past host Iowa State 32-28 on Saturday.

Waters threw for 239 yards and ran for a career-high 138 yards for the Wildcats (2-0, 1-0 Big 12). They allowed 28 consecutive points in one stretch of the first half, but Waters rescued the Wildcats with a stellar winning drive.

Waters followed a key 23-yard completion to Tyler Lockett with a 25-yard run with just under two minutes left. Then, Waters capped an 80-yard drive that took just 1:31 with his second touchdown run of the day.

Maybe N. Dakota State is&#160 that good.

Nebraska flat-out did not&#160 deserve to win this ballgame.

McNeese – that’s Southland Conference McNeese – had pulled ahead with about two & a half to play with a touchdown.&#160 Only there was a penalty on the play and the Cowboys had to settle for a field goal.

Enter…Ameer Abdullah.

With No. 19 Nebraska and McNeese State of the second-tier FCS tied Saturday, Abdullah turned a short pass from Tommy Armstrong Jr. into a jaw-dropping 58-yard touchdown with 20 seconds left for a 31-24 victory.

Abdullah broke five tackles on his way to the end zone on what may end up as the signature play of his career. As far as Abdullah was concerned, the game shouldn’t have come down to that against an opponent from a lower division.

“Very disappointed right now,” he said, “but you definitely get a little extra energy. I don’t know if it’s God pushing me a little bit more or something chemically that humans are made with that gives you a little more oomph to make the big play.”

AJ Green caught a 77-yard TD pass from Andy with under five minutes to play, and the Bengals hung on to beat the Ravens.

Andy was 25-38-301 yards, and Green had six catches for 131 of those.

Second play of the game, Demarco Murray takes the ball left on a stretch play.

Boom.&#160 Fumble, Whiners pick up and steam into the end zone.

That’s the kind of day it would be for the Dallas offense.&#160 A unit that didn’t get near&#160 enough work in the preseason, looked like it.

El Choko helped out immensely, throwing three picks.

See what happens when you hire a limp-wrist for your team, Owner Jethro?

At this rate, 0-16 isn’t out of the realm of possibility.&#160 They don’t have the easiest schedule this year, and they’re not gonna win any games playing like that.

Gotta love it.&#160

This week:&#160 6-0.&#160 Perfect Football Weekend&#153 achieved (2).&#160 Overall:&#160 12-0.

The PFW will return Friday, when we scream “Road Trip!!!!!”.

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I wasn’t watching the game real close, and cannot give a play t by play, A couple of things which got my attention:

MSU elected to receive, and managed to score within the first 3 minutes of the game.

Saturday was the SEC channel’s first weekend and about the only glitch was really beyond their control. The Arkansas/Auburn game was on weather delay when the MIS/USM game began, and when play resumed, they cut back to Auburn/Arkansas for about 15 minutes.

The odds makers predicted MSU by 31 and we almost had that covered by halftime.

On a humorous note, on one play, the play interference was actually one of the referees. Dak Prescott threw the ball and the ref couldn’t get out of the way in time, and was caught between two potential receivers. Picture a maroon sandwich with a stripped filling. The ref was shook up, but was able to continue the game.

The only real problem with the high scoring game is that the Vicar had bought Mrs.Vicar a cowbell, and with every score that dang thing was rung, and rung loudly!

The current line on today’s game against Auburn is MSU by 28.

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Denizens, we begin this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend&#153…by giving one mammoth “ATTABOY!!!!!”&#160 to the Cincinnati Bengals.

The Cincinnati Bengals appeared to have moved on from former second-round defensive tackle Devon Still when they cut him this preseason. Still, 25, certainly has looked like a bust to this point in his career, and his preseason play was not an indication he had come around.

However, Sitll has had much better things on his mind than football. His 4-year-old daughter, Leah, was diagnosed with stage 4 pediatric cancer back in June.

So when training camp came around, Still lost some desire to play. The Bengals had no choice but to cut him.

I can understand this.&#160 If my son had an illness like that, fixing computers would take a backseat.

But I also see Cincy’s point of view on this.&#160 If you’re gonna play in the NFL, there’s a commitment level there that you must&#160 maintain.&#160 Any less, and you’re not only cheating the team & the ownership, you’re cheating the fans who come to see you.

Cue the happy ending.

But there’s a silver lining to this story. The Bengals re-signed him to their practice squad, and the $6,300 weekly salary and medical insurance will go a long way to help Leah. Still is eminently grateful for the team’s gesture when he knows they simply could have made what NFL teams like to call “business decisions.”

“They could have washed their hands with me and said they didn’t care about what I was going through off the field,” Still said. “It’s like a blessing in disguise for me.”

As a member of the practice squad, Still will practice with the team but not travel. That means he has more time to spend by Leah’s side. Blessing in disguise indeed.

Prayers Leah’s way.

And because of this selfless act by the Bengals…not to mention the fact that they still have Andy Dalton…Cincinnati is being added to the PFW.

They are taking the place of the Dallas Cowgirlz…who (in case you didn’t see the news from the Vicar) signed Widdle Mikey “I Kissed A Man On National TV And I Liked It” Sam to the practice squad.

“It was a little longer than I expected,” said Sam, who is trying to become the first openly gay player to participate in an NFL regular-season game. “But you know what, I’m here now, and that’s all that matters.”

So that’s it.&#160 I’m done with Dallas – for good, this time.&#160 The Cowgirlz now become a PFW “Anti-Team” – meaning they’re now this scribe’s least-favorite team, more disliked than even the Warshington Foreskins or the San Transexual Fairy Whiners.

Which, speaking of them and getting on to the actual football around these parts, is coming to the Death Star Sunday to play the Cowgirls.&#160 We’ll make this a wildcard game and pick the Whiners to win.

Cincy, meanwhile, travels to Baltimore to take on Flacco & the Ravens.&#160 Balt’s defense isn’t what it used to be, not even with Elvis Dumberass Dumervil toiling for them, so I like the Bengals here.

Friday, Phil Young & my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are in Princeton, TX, to take on the Panthers in their season opener.&#160 Princeton isn’t bad, and I expect Heights to have its hands full.

TCU is off this week, so for wildcard games we’ll go with Florida Atlantic visiting #2 Alabama, McNeese State headed to Lincoln to get squashed by #19 Nebraska, and #20 Kansas State to go up to Ames to smack around Iowa State.&#160 (This is gonna be a long year for the Cyclones – if they can’t beat Division II N. Dakota State at home, who are&#160 they gonna beat this year? (And no, smart asses – it ain’t gonna be TCU, so don’t even&#160 go there.))

We’ll come back Monday or so with the recap.&#160 In the meantime, my Vicar is cordially invited to write anything about any Mississippi team he chooses…

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Michael Sam is now a Dallas Cowboy.

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A portent of things to come, most likely.

Arlington Heights 29, at Brewer 14

at TCU 48, Samford 14

at #22 Nebraska 55, Florida Atlantic 7

at #2 Alabama 33, W. Virginia 23

at #12 Georgia 45, #16 Clemson 21

at #18 Ole Miss 35, Boise St. 13

at Dallas 3, Denver 27

I have to admit – this was a major (albeit pleasant) surprise.

Fort Worth Arlington Heights rode quarterback Deion Hair’Griffin’s three rushing touchdowns to a 29-6 victory Friday over White Settlement Brewer at Brewer Bears Stadium.

Hair’Griffin finished with 154 yards overall, with 95 coming through the air and another 59 on the ground. Hair’Griffin finished 8 for 18 through the air.

Someone changed the offense in Nebraska while I wasn’t looking.

That, plus the fact that it’s no longer Taylor Martinez fucking up the offense, plus the fact that they were playing Florida Atlantic, might have had something to do with it.

Ameer Abdullah and Tommy Armstrong Jr. had career games and Nebraska had its most productive offensive day in almost a quarter century.

Maybe there is something to this “Red Storm” nickname that the Cornhuskers’ offensive players came up with. Florida Atlantic was in the path Saturday, and the Huskers rolled to a 55-7 victory.

Abdullah, the nation’s top returning rusher, ran for a career-high 232 yards and a touchdown before leaving in the middle of the third quarter. Tommy Armstrong Jr. passed for a career-high 271 yards and two TDs before sitting down late in the third.

The Cornhuskers rushed for 498 of their 784 total yards and won their 29th straight opener, the longest streak in the nation. Nebraska’s offensive total was the fifth highest in program history and most since the Huskers gained 787 against Utah State in 1991.

“I know what this offense has the potential to do, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves now,” Nebraska coach Bo Pelini said. “Our captains said we didn’t come into this season to beat Florida Atlantic. So we won a game we should have won. I do like the fashion we won it.”

So do I, Bo.&#160 So do I.

This game was a nail-biter for a while.&#160 Bama would score; the Mountaineers would come right back.&#160 In fact, except for the last play of the first half (a Bama field goal), plus the third quarter, the teams played even-up.

Yeldon (126 yards rushing and two touchdowns), Henry (113 yards rushing and a score) and Cooper (12 catches for 130 yards) provided ample support. And Alabama needed all the offense it could get because West Virginia found plenty of soft spots in the Tide’s D.

The Mountaineers’ up-tempo spread gave Clint Trickett his pick of open receivers, and he took advantage with 365 yards passing.

But West Virginia didn’t take full advantage, dropping more than a half-dozen catchable passes, including one off the hands of Elijah Wellman near the goal line that would have been a sure TD early in the fourth quarter.

“Yeah, it’s frustrating,” West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen said of the final result. “You play against a really good team and you’re in position in the fourth quarter to be able to win the game. I mean you don’t have those opportunities very often.”

Hmmm.&#160 They’re not quite the same without Chrissi “Trick Play” Peterson…are they?

For much of the night, it was tough to watch. Mississippi hardly looked like the 18th-ranked team in the country. Boise State in no way resembled the program that used to beat the big boys with such regularity.

The Rebels finally came around in the fourth quarter, pulling away to beat Boise State 35-13 in a sloppy season opener Thursday.

Shaking off three first-half interceptions, Bo Wallace threw for 387 yards and four touchdowns — three of the scores coming on consecutive throws in the fourth quarter.

Trevone Boykin is still the starting quarterback at TCU.&#160 This is not a good thing.

But at least for one night, it was enough.

Trevone Boykin passed for two touchdowns and ran for a third, leading TCU to a 48-14 victory over FCS Samford in the season opener for both teams on Saturday.

Boykin completed 29 of 41 passes for 320 yards. His touchdown passes covered 38 yards to Kolby Listenbee and 19 yards to David Porter. Boykin’s scoring run came from 1 yard.

Samford scored on a 2-yard touchdown run by Denzel Williams late in first half and a 55-yard interception return by Jamerson Blount with five minutes to play.

TCU piled up 555 total yards, including 200 by eight different rushers, while holding Samford to 143.

Yeah, it was the last preseason game.&#160 But the Cowgirlz could&#160 at least have tried a a little harder.

No one of any note played, and Denver’s scrubs were clearly better than Dallas’ scrubs.&#160 Which should tell you all you need to know about Owner Jethro’s talent evaluation.

The problem is…how do we know this isn’t a harbinger of things to come?&#160 It’s not out of the realm of possibility that this motley crew goes 0-16.&#160 I mean, their defensive coordinator (Rod Marinelli) is&#160 the only head coach to have accomplished that dubious feat, pulling an oh-fer with the Detroit Pussies a couple years back, right?

We’ll give them until 0-3, at which point we’ll switch our allegiances to whomever is playing them.&#160 I’m not&#160 gonna have them spoiling my PFWs every week.

This week:&#160 6-0 (the Dallas loss is preseason, and doesn’t count).&#160 Perfect Football Weekend&#153 achieved (1).&#160 Overall:&#160 6-0.

The PFW will return Friday, at which time I will laugh at the heterophobes for their foolishness.&#160 (You do&#160 know where this is going, right?)

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Mississippi State was favored over Southern Mississippi by 31 points. If we can keep Southern from scoring, we have the spread covered.

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ZERO!

34 years ago today,Miss Leighann Moore and I were joined in the union of Holy Matrimony. In that ceremony standing before our Lord and our friends we committed to a lifetime of loving, honouring and cherishing each other, through good and bad. We have had both good and bad times, we have made good choices and we have made bad choices, but through it all my amazing wife has stuck with me, and has been faithful to the commitment she made at our wedding. This even though I have been the king of bad choices!

Happy Anniversary my Love, and thank you for a wonderful life together!

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ONE!

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All hands on deck.

MERLIN:&#160 Ready, m’liege.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 Engineering reports full power to engines, Admiral.

KORRIOTH:&#160 We’re not going anywhere, Ozy.

OZY McCOOL:&#160 The Admiral demands operational readiness at all times, General.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Point.

K’HADIBAK’H:&#160 Tactical ready, m’lord.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Southern Command ready as requested, y’old geezer.

THE GENERALETTE (smacking Rayegun, Gibbs-style):&#160 You be nice.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Yes, dear.

T-BONE McMANX:&#160 Communications ready, sir.

THE SPATULAGODDESS:&#160 Didn’t we do something like this a couple of years ago, hon?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 HON?!?!?!&#160 (waves iron skillet around menacingly)

VENOMOUS:&#160 Put a cork in it, babe.&#160 She’s entitled.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 And why am I not the SpatulaGoddess?!?!?!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Because you’re Mrs. Venomous, and you don’t look like Eva Longoria.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):&#160 GRRRRRRRR!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Shut it, woman.&#160 I have a post to write.

MRS. VENOMOUS (dejected, with cast-iron skillet):&#160 Yes, honey.

VENOMOUS:&#160 I’ll make it up to you, sweetheart…say, with Rafain’s?

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet & ears perked up):&#160 Ooooooh!!!

VENOMOUS:&#160 Okay, where were we…?

MERLIN:&#160 Didn’t we do something like this before…?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Oh, well – yeah, Beff, we did – but without showing who really wears the pants at the Southern Command.

RAYEGUN:&#160 Hey!!!

ALL (even Rayegun, albeit grudgingly):&#160

Right, then.

The first official Perfect Football Weekend…in what is, very likely, the last season of PFWs…kicks off

ALL:&#160 COOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-NNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!1!!!ONE!!!1!!!!ELEVENTYTRILLIONBILLIONMILLION!!!!1~

…y’know, I am&#160 gonna kinda miss doing that.

[The entire cast & crew engages in a 20-second group hug.&#160 Venomous breaks the silence.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Awright, guys, we still have a blog to run for now.

…with a story from a couple weeks back about how Cleveland Browns rookie&#160 head coach Mike Pettine has selected veteran Brian Hoyer to start at quarterback, rather than Johnny Football.

Brian Hoyer was named the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns for the regular-season opener Sept. 7 at Pittsburgh.

[…]

“Like I said all along, it’s been my mentality this whole offseason, training camp to come out here and act like the starter and be the starter,” Hoyer said Wednesday. “So now that it’s official we can just move on and get ready for St. Louis.”

While Hoyer has only four career starts — and went 3-0 with the Browns before tearing his anterior cruciate ligament in 2013 — his biggest advantages were experience and leadership.

“He was the clear leader from the beginning,” Pettine said. “We’ve maintained all along that if it was close, I would prefer to go with the more experienced player. Brian has done a great job in the meeting rooms and with his teammates on the practice field and in the locker room.”

What he’s not&#160 telling you, of course, is that Manziel thoroughly outplayed Hoyer in the preseason.

Even Yahoo!, in the article, tries to blow smoke up one’s ass in stating:

Manziel, drafted 22nd overall in May, played only two seasons at Texas A&M in an offense designed to win at that level. The Browns want him to get more time in an NFL offense before asking him to beat NFL defenses. Manziel was not great statistically in two games.

Except what they’re&#160 not telling you is that, as badly as Manziel may have played…Hoyer played worse.

Fact is, neither one looked all that great.&#160 But Manziel outplayed the “crafty ‘veteran'” (four games experience…yeah, right)…and besides, he’s the 1st rounder, and the future.&#160 Hoyer isn’t.

And if you’re drafting a quarterback in the first round…that almost invariably means you suck, and you’re not going anywhere in the next year or three.&#160 So why not get Johnny Football the experience he needs now?&#160 I mean, it’s not like Cleveland’s going anywhere anytime soon, y’know?

He also showed immaturity Monday night, Pettine said, when he raised his middle finger to the Redskins’ bench in response to heckling from the sideline.

I’d start Manziel for that alone.

But that’s me.

On to the football.&#160 Phil Young and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets have their annual “Week 0” clunker (now that they’re no longer playing Azle) Friday evening against the (White Settlement, TX) Brewer Bears.

Brewer almost qualifies as one of my anti-teams (a la SMUT and Ar-Kansas) because my first-ever fiancée (no, not the First Wife&#153) came from Dear Old Brewer High (which brings back memories of Weatherford High kicking Brewer’s asses all over the field right after the fiancée screwed me over, and me screaming my fool head off for Weatherford…but that’s another post), so I’ve kinda had it in for the Bears ever since.

Bears’ll probably win, though, so it’s likely another 5-5 year for AHHS.

Saturday, Gary Patterson’s TCU Horned Frogs – who may actually read This Fine Blog&#153, because they’ve finally taken my advice – begin their season at home against Samford University.

Samford is interesting because their head coach is former TCU coach Pat Sullivan, who guided the Froggies to their last Southwest Conference championship (albeit a three-way tie for the aforementioned, it was a championship).&#160 Sullivan will not attend the game due to medical reasons.

It won’t matter, because Sullivan or no Sullivan, this game’s gonna be a major squash – with any luck, so much so that we’ll see TCU back in the top 25 next week.

Tonight, the Allas Cowboys (still no D) have their last preseason game at home against King Peyton Manning (as opposed to his sister brother, Queen Elisha) and the Denver Broncos.

It’ll be a chance for the Cowgirl faithful to let Owner Jethro have it one more time for letting Demarcus Ware walk.&#160 And I desperately hope they give it to him every time Ware’s visage gets pasted upon that Jumbotron.

The wildcard games for this weekend will be: Florida Atlantic at #22 Nebraska (don’t ask me why, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for Bo Pelini, even though he’s a lousy head coach), West Virginia against #2 Alabama (it’ll be interesting to see how badly Nick Saban takes his frustrations from last year out on the Mountaineers), and #16 Clemson going to the Dawg Pound vs. #12 Georgia.&#160 These games will be on Saturday.

Additionally, tonight we’ll have Smurf Turf F-Head State minus Chrissi “Trick Play” Peterson going down to Oxford, MS to take on #18 Ole Miss.

(Incidentally, in case you missed it, all my picks in the wildcard games are in boldface.)

We’re back Sunday or Monday with something resembling a recap.&#160 In the meantime…my message to Humble DevilDog is: Yeah, I’m calling them TCU again.&#160 Don’t like it?&#160 Get your ass back here & start commenting again, Marine!

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Two!(sorry, miscounted)

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And once again…the “dress rehearsal” turns out to be a clunker.

Dallas 20, at Miami 25

Cincinnati 19, at Arizona 13

at San Transexual 19, San Diego 13

Dalton 13-21-157 as the Bengals racked up 337 total yards in beating the Cardinals.

Following an early-morning earthquake near the Napa Valley, the Fairy Whiners win their first game at their new stadium as San Diego continues to have reality pounded into their heads that maybe, just maybe, they’re not quite as good as they thought they were when they beat the Cowgirlz.

Speaking of whom…this motley crew isn’t ready for the season.

If it wasn’t one thing for the offense, it was another.&#160 Penalty-free play? Someone probably got in El Choko’s face.&#160 Clean jersey for Romo?&#160 Someone probably held.

The defense didn’t play much better…but then again, we’re at least expecting&#160 that this year.

Better get used to it.&#160 Gonna be like this all year long.

The PFW returns Thursday, when things start up for real.&#160 (All hands on deck for the annual “Corny” call!)

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