Welcome to the Realm™ - Version 5.0...

(Originally posted at the Rott.)

[SCENE:  Rott headquarters.  The place is empty and the lights are out, the Brood™ having gone out en masse  to cele…well, just keep reading, mkay?

An enormous shimmer of light appears in the living room.  As it fades, we see several large masses materialize.  (Well, several average-sized masses and one Jabba-sized lump.  Gimme a break, I’m working on it, okay???  ]

TIBERIUS:  Ow.  I still feel all prickly.

KORRIOTH:  Trust me.  You get used to it.

OZY MCCOOLI  never have.

MERLIN:  That’s because you’re  a certified wuss.

OZY MCCOOL:  Hey…!!!

SPATS:  Hush, all of you! (fumbles around in dark) I knew  I should have brought the night-sights.

[We hear a crash.]

B.C.:  OWWWWW!!!  G-d…!!!!1

CALIGULA (putting hand over B.C.’s mouth):  Shhhhh!!!!  What if he left the Imperial Firearms Advisor to guard the place?

B.C.:  Shit, man, would you for once  in your life keep up?  D’ya know where Kim is  right now?

CALIGULA (hanging head):  Sorry.

CLAUDIUS:  C-c-can you h-h-hurry and f-f-f-find the light sw-sw-switch, Your-r-r-r R-R-R-Rudeness™?  I’m s-s-s-starting to r-r-r-really g-get the c-c-c-creeps.

SPATS:  Korrioth, kindly step away from Claudius, if you don’t mind.

KORRIOTH:  Hmf.  I never get to have any  fun…

MERLIN:  Are you sure you set us down in the right flat, m’Liege?

[About this time, Spats finds the light switch.  He flips it, raises the lights and takes a look around.  A number of toys are strewn about the floor (note to His Imperial Jack Bauer-ness:  It's artistic license - I know they're more disciplined than that).  He turns to look at his engineer emeritus.]

SPATS:  You were saying…?

MERLIN:  I hate it when you do that.

THE SPATULAGODDESS:  We need to clean this place up pretty quickly, just in case they get home soon.  [She starts into her Tasmanian Devil whirling-dervish routine (complete with the tornado special-effects and everything).  Spats stops her before she can rip off his hand.]

SPATS:  We’ll all  help, love.  Won’t we, B.C…?

B.C.:  Now just wait a damned minute!  Where’s it say that I take orders…

[Spats gestures to Merlin, who waves his magic wand and causes a beer to appear right before B.C.'s eyes]

B.C.:  …where do I start?

[Scene: 15 minutes later.  The living room is now nearly spotless (the SpatulaGoddess couldn’t quite stop at picking up toys, and pulled a complete dust-and-Pledge© job on the place), and Our Heroes™ are standing around, admiring a job well done.]

TIBERIUS:  Nice job, everyone.  You especially, B.C.

B.C.:  (burp)

TIBERIUS:  Yer welcome…(sniff, sniff)…what in the name of Plato’s left nut is that smell???

PLATO:  Well, it’s not my left nut!  I at least  took a bath before that infenal device of His Rudeness’ plucked me out of thin air!

SPATS:  Bath…bath?  (eyes his Klingon-Vulcan hybrid tactical officer warily) Korrioth, I told  you to take a bath before we beamed down!

[Korrioth simply glares at Lord Spatula]

SPATS (shakes head disgustedly):  Awright, here – use this.  [tosses Korrioth a can of Axe© body spray]

KORRIOTH:  It’s not my usual.

SPATS:  Axe doesn’t have it in “Landfill”.  Just put it on, mkay?

[Just then, we hear the sound of a key in the lock]

SPATS:  Shit!  Everyone, behind the couch!  Quick!!!

[Everyone dives behind the sofa just as the door opens.  In walk Emporer Darth Misha I, his bride the lovely Empress and the Heirs™.

EMPRESS:  Honey, didn’t I tell you to turn off the lights before we left?  And where are all the kids’ toys?  And who dusted the place?

DARTH MISHA I:  I thought I did  turn off…wait.  What’s that smell?

[Behind the couch, Spats turns his head and glares at Korrioth.  Korrioth just shrugs.  In the meantime, Misha has pulled his Kimber and is looking to do somebody some Jack Bauer-style harm.  At which point, the group is rather brusquely given away.]

B.C.:  (braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!!!!!!!!!)

DARTH MISHA I (pointing gun at sofa with a menacing look on his face):  Right, then.  Very slowly, hands in the air, and… [Enlightenment dawns] …wait.  I know that belch.  B.C., how the hell did you get here, my friend?

[B.C. slowly peeks over the couch, followed in short order by Spats and the rest of the group.  The Brood™'s eyes all widen significantly]

SPATS {with a very  sheepish grin on his face):  Uh…surprise???

LCs, in case you haven’t figured it out by now…today is Our Intrepid Leader’s Birfday™.  And we should all wish His Imperial Dreadedness the happiest of happies and hopes for many, many more.

And that’s an order, in case you’re wondering.  You, too, B.C.

B.C.:  (belllch!!!)




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