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(The following is a column which appeared on my old web site, www.spatulacitybbs.com, on September 11th, 2001.  It is re-posted now in remembrance of then.)

NOTE: This column contains some coarse language. Back out now if such language offends you, please.

I got four hours of sleep last night. I’m fighting the obligatory yearly case of tonsillitis. My throat hurts like Hell ™, my body is racked with soreness, and – not to put too fine a point thereupon – I’m in need of a tube of Prep H.

You get the idea. (sigh)

So here I am on LBJ Freeway in Dallas, plodding my way through traffic, fighting hard the urge to fall asleep at the wheel, literally. I’m listening to our sports-talk/guy-talk station on AM, the Ticket (KTCK 1310), when the sports jocks there suddenly exclaim something to the effect of, “WTF…?!”. Apparently, a heavy jet has veered off course and slammed into one of the World Trade Center twin towers in New York City.

“Wow,” I’m thinking, “they’ll likely stay with this one all day”, and I immediately turn over to the news/talk station here, WBAP 820, for all the coverage. Yes, I admit it – I’m fascinated by carnage.

At that point, though, I’m thinking tragic accident. Somebody’s plane lost its hydraulics and careened out of control, and the World Trade Center, unfortunately, was simply in the way.

That was 7:50. At 8:09, my worldview – and that of 280 million Americans, I would bet – changed radically.

At that point, a second jet slammed headfirst into the other tower. At that point, it’s not just a major tragedy. This looks just a weeeee bit too organized to be a coincidence.

It’s 8:20 when I get to the office, and I meet my buddy and old Wingtip Courier dispatcher as he’s driving up. He hasn’t been paying attention to anything. We get inside the office, and I bring him and our other compadre up to speed on things (he wasn’t listening to the radio, either, which was surprising). I go into my office and try pulling up a video stream for any of this. It’s 8:25.

Fifteen minutes later, the message is clear: America is under attack for the first time in 60 years. Yet another heavy jet has crashed – this one into the Pentagon. Reports are coming in about multiple hijackings. I’ve read a report about a worldwide alert issued last Friday concerning our resident international terrorist, Osama bin Laden, Two & two are quickly starting to come together.

(Side note: Don’t let them tell you they had no warning. I’m not kidding about that worldwide alert concerning bin Laden. They knew. Damned right they knew.)

(SECOND SIDE NOTE:  As I go through the years, I’m less inclined to blame the Bush Administration than I was nine years ago.  Sure, they knew it was possible, but all they had was a general warning.  Nothing specific that said they were going to do what they did precisely on that day.  So the Bush Administration gets a pass from me on this one.

The Demoscum, on the other hand…)

I can’t pull up anything on the ‘Net – and I have a T1 at work. The radio offers some details, but I want to know more. I run across the street to the CompUSSR to scope out the TV images.

And ohmigod – what TV images. I saw the second plane come in behind the first tower, and a plume of fire and deep black smoke explode out the other side. I saw the collapsed side of the Pentagon. I saw both WTC towers collapse – I had to ask someone if they’d collapsed all the way, so incredulous was the scene there. (A third building nearby would collapse six hours later.) I heard reports of yet another plane crash – this one near Pittsburgh. Rumor has it that the plane was headed to Camp David – we’re somewhere around the anniversary of the Camp David accords, so I hear.

Returned to work around 11:00 in a state of near-shock. Twenty minutes later, I received the go-ahead to go home. After a quick stop-off at the school to check on my wife, I arrived home and turned on the TV to Fox.

The images there were even more unbelievable than before. Fox had the direct angle on the second tower hit. They also had better angles on the collapse of both towers – although by that time, there was so much smoke & dust that one could hardly make anything out.

After a quick lunch, I sit down here to gather news stories, and I find this.

That’s right, sports fans. Here are a group of Palestinian squids laughing, dancing and cheering the attack on us, whom they call “the Great Satan”.

Compassionate people, those Palestinians.

Okay, now that I’ve bored you with my day, here’s my analysis: CNN early on was doing everything it could to avoid calling it a terrorist attack. But, Spatulaites & Spatulaettes, it’s too coordinated, too organized to be anything but. These events had to be planned months in advance. Certain people had to be installed at just the right junctures in order to pull this off – our airport security procedures, despite the fact that they’re handled by part-timers making minimum wage, are still way too strict. People who knew how to fly those planes had to arrange for passage on these planes. This would have been a major undertaking for simply one airliner – for four to have been hijacked in this manner and turned into suicide machines screams for the fact that this is more than just a Chinese fire drill.

So. Who’s got the capability to pull it off? Who has the money to train these thugs, place them right where they needed to be placed, and then turned loose? And who among them hates us enough to target us? Not to mention, who’s stupid-assed enough to try it?

If you haven’t figured it out by now, go back to school and take a comprehensive reading course. You think about it, there’s really only one man who qualifies: Osama bin Laden.

There can be no question. The mastermind behind the 1993 bombing at the aforementioned World Trade Center is so consumed with hatred for the United States that it sticks in his craw that he failed to bring us down eight years ago. So he decided to try and finish the job, gambling that we’ll be too chicken-shit to do anything about it.

(Second side note: Yeah, the Palestinians and the Taliban in Afghanistan are denying responsibility. Don’t believe the bastards. This is their baby.)

This is where George W. Bush needs to prove him wrong. Take this one to the bank, my friends: The Bush presidency – whether he believes it or not, whether he likes it or not – rides on how he handles this.

America is screaming for justice. More to the point, America is screaming for revenge. This is nothing short of an act of war. Yes, war. There’s been a formally undeclared one on us now, by most of the non-Israeli countries of the Middle East, for several years now. The Muslims hate our guts. The Syrians, the Iraqis, the Iranians – we’re their enemy. “Death To America” has been cruising at #1 on the Middle Eastern Top 40 for several years. They’re getting bolder, too – because they think we’re too cowardly to fight back. They think we’ve forgotten how to fight.

If George Bush has any balls, now’s the time to prove them wrong.

This is your solution, like it or not: Any country harboring terrorists – that would include Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Libya, Syria, et. al. – must be wiped from the face of the earth.

Scramble 30 bombers. Five warheads each – six if the plane will hold it. Bomb the shit out of these countries – get rid of these raghead bastards.

So what if you take innocents out, too? This is war, people. They don’t care about killing our innocents; why should we give a shit about theirs??

And that goes for the Palestinians, too. Let’s do Israel a favor and eliminate those sons-of-bitches from the annals of history, as well. They want to laugh and make merry at our misfortune, they need to pay the ultimate price.

Show the world some balls, George W. Teach them that there’s a price for fucking with America. Demonstrate to them that we have not forgotten how to fight!

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Denizens, we start this week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend™ by mourning the passing of one of football’s greats.  Lee Roy Selmon of the Oklahoma Sooners & Tampa Bay Buccaneers, suffered a stroke last Friday and died at a Tampa hospital two days later at the age of 56.

Selmon and his brother, Dewey, were both chosen as All-Americans in 1975 when the Sooners won their second straight championship under Barry Switzer. They followed older brother Lucious to Oklahoma, and the three played together during the 1973 season.

News of Lee Roy Selmon’s stroke had already spurred tributes to Selmon on Saturday, when members of the University of South Florida’s football team wore his number on their helmet. Selmon had served as the school’s athletic director from 2001 to 2004.

“We all loved him, and we’re all deeply saddened,” said USF President Judy Genshaft. “We’re a better university because of Lee Roy Selmon. He was an incredible role model, who cared about all of our student-athletes, no matter what sport. He built an incredible legacy and he will never be forgotten.”

The Realm™ joins with the Selmon family in mourning the passing of their patriarch.  This gentle giant will be very much missed.

On to the football.  I promised you a Guaranteed Win Night™ – and, by Cthulu, my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are gonna deliver.  It’s the “home” opener at Farrington Field against Carter-Riverside – and no football program that takes itself anywhere near seriously ever  loses to Carter Riverside.  Jackets in a major squash.

On Saturday, Gary Patterson’s 25th-ranked (why, I have no idea) Texas Christian Horne Frogs (still no D until they show me something) are in Colorado Springs to get buzzed on a flyover by Air Force’s Falcons.  Expect AF”s notoious ground game to be shelved in favor of a bombs-away aerial attack.

Vegas has apparently figured this out, too – the line is TCU by only 2½.

Also Saturday, Fresno State gets to play the sacrificial lamb to Bo Pelini’s 10th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers.  The Bulldogs are not the pushover Chattanooga was, but then again the Huskers, with a week of competition under their belt, should be better as well.  Vegas would seem to agree here too – the line is NU by 28.

Sunday night, the Dallas Cowgirlz run into a buzzsaw – they’re playing the NY J-E-T-S-JetsJetsJets!!!, in  New York, on the 10-year remembrance of 9-11.  And  they’re going into the game banged up – Mike Jenkins, Terrance “Bust” Newman and rookie Tyron Smith are all nursing injuries, and the first-team defensae still hasn’t practiced together, I don’t think.

This ain’t gonna be pretty.

Bob Stoops’ top-ranked Oklahoma Sooners are off this week, so we’ll give Turner Gill’s UKansas Rock-Chalks a tryout.  Oddly enough – or not, given last year – the Jayhawks are a 6½ home dog to…Northern Illinois?

Hmmm.

We’re back Monday with the recap.  In the meantime, eighth-ranked Bucky is at Camp Randall versus Oregon State, and if you think TCU’s gone belly up…the Beavers lost at home last week to that noted Div. I-AA powerhouse, Sacramento State.  So my question to HDD is…with the line at Bucky by three touchdowns, how many points do you  want?

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(Hat tip:  Hot Air.)

Having ensured that Malicious Malkin’s hand-picked candidate, Michelle Bachmann, won’t get so much as a sniff of the White House this election cycle, “Mad Eddie” Rollins has all but uttered the famous words “my work here is done”.

Ed Rollins is going to be stepping back from day-to-day management of the Michele Bachmann campaign, and moving into a senior advisory role, he said in an interview.

Rollins said the reason for the change is personal — his health and the rigors of a campaign.

“I wish I was 40 years old, but I’m not,” he told POLITICO. “I’m 68 years old, I had a stroke a year and a half ago. I’m worn out.”

Translation:  “Damn – tying that millstone ’round Michelle’s presidential hopes and tossing them overboard was effin’ hard work!!!  Damn, I’m tired!”

Of course, on further reflection – maybe we owe ol’ Eddie a favor for keeping Malicious’ hand-picked out of the White House, hm?

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Item:  After the Gabrielle Giffords shooting – in which Jared Loughner was shown to have more in common with the Left than the Right – Demoscummic libtards called for “civility”.

Item:  For yesterday’s Cheesy Chavez Labor Day snivel speech, Teamsters president head pussy Jimmy Hoffa had this to say:

“We got to keep an eye on the battle that we face: The war on workers. And you see it everywhere, it is the Tea Party. And you know, there is only one way to beat and win that war. The one thing about working people is we like a good fight. And you know what? They’ve got a war, they got a war with us and there’s only going to be one winner. It’s going to be the workers of Michigan, and America. We’re going to win that war,” Jimmy Hoffa said to a heavily union crowd.

“President Obama, this is your army. We are ready to march. Let’s take these son of bitches out and give America back to an America where we belong,” Hoffa added.

‘Zat so, Jim-boy?

Misha had the best take on it yesterday, but I have this to add:

Any of you union-thug-wannabe chickenshits feelin’ froggy, let’s go.  Rarely do I go anywhere nowadays without fairly close access to at least some  form of protective machinery (and yeah, you cowardly assholes, damn straight that means what you think it means).

Bring it, douchebags.  We’ll make you famous.  I and a few million others who’ve just about had enough of your bullshit, that is.

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Let’s hear it for the TCU Horne Frogs!!!

Yeah, “Horne Frogs”.  No D.

Arlington Heights 26, at Azle 16

#14 TCU 48, at Baylor 50

at #1 Oklahoma 47, Tulsa 14

at #10 Nebraska 40, Tenn-Chattanooga 7

Dallas 3, at Miami 17 (Pre-season)

Heights put the defensive clamps on Azle in the second half and rallied for two fourth-quarter touchdowns after trailing by three at the half.

OU appears to have found its running back – and it isn’t Roy Finch.

Dominique Whaley shredded Tulsa’s defense for 131 yards on only 18 carries, and Landry Jones was 35-47-375 as the Sooners rolled.  Ryan Broyles had a monster night, as well, catching 14 balls for 158 yards.

The option is back at Nebraska.

The Cornhuskers have a new offensive coordinator, Tim Beck.  And he’s finally  listened to everyone – yours truly included – who’ve been screaming for a renunciation of the West Coast Clusterfuck Offense, and a return to Cornhusker smashmouth football.

To wit:  First Cornhusker play from scrimmage – a fullback dive.

Old-school Nebraska fans surely loved Beck’s first call of the game. Tyler Legate’s 1-yard run marked the first time a fullback had carried the ball for Nebraska since 2004.

But make no mistake, this offense is built around Martinez’s strengths as a runner. He carried 19 times, which might be a bit more than ideal for a quarterback the Huskers desperately need to keep healthy.

Maybe.  But just like Eric Crouch, and Turner Gill before him, a prototypical Nebraska offense revolves around a quarterback and a ground-and-pound running game.  Which Nebraska seems to once again possess.

Jared Crick had a good game for the Blackshirt defense, tipping a pass for an interception and getting a couple sacks.

It was the last game of the preseason for the Cowgirlz, and they all  played like it.  Meaning, they all gave a half-assed effort, such that it’s not even really worth chronicling here.

The good thing is that, even though designated tub-o’-lard Montrae Holland made the final 53-man roster, he was cut the next day in favor of former Warshington Deadskin Derrick Dockery.

Thank Cthulu.

There are all manner of things I could blame for that travesty Friday night – and I’d have a good point for them all.

I could blame the shitty officiating.  Baylor’s first touchdown – that “lateral” to the wideout, who then threw the TD pass?  That “lateral” wasn’t. The first receiver caught it, then took three steps back  to make it look like it had been a backward pass.  A competent  officiating crew would have caught it, and flagged it.  It wasn’t.  (That’s just one example – I have others.)

I could blame Ross Evans, who missed not one, but two  field goal attempts, plus half-assed a PAT attempt, such that it got blocked.  That’s seven points right there that he left on the field, proving yet again that he’s not the answer at kicker for the Frogs, and never will be.  Congratulations, Evans – once again, your crappy kicking has cost us a shot at the BCS.

I could blame the Bear offensive line, which held TCU all bloody night long.  But that would go back to the officiating, wouldn’t it?

But the fact of the matter is that none of the above would have mattered, had TCU’s secondary been at least halfway decent.

Denizens, do you guys remember how I always used to flat-out roast former TCU corner Quincy “Toast” Butler, for forever being completely incapable of covering an opposing wideout?  (Here’s an example for those of you who may not remember.)

Well, now think of five  Quincy Butlers comprising the Frog secondary.

Widdle Roberta Griffy did.  And, once (s)he figured it out, it was bombs away.  Six touchdown passes.  Six..  TCU’s secondary hasn’t given up that many TD throws since David Klingler threw seven for UHouston in 1990.

Patterson had best get that secondary under control, and fast.  Air Force, though a primarily ground attack, will  attempt to exploit those DBs…to say nothing about SMU, BigamY U…Smurf Turf BS State…

Oh, in the meantime, Year Two of the Turner Gill era started with a win, at least, 42-24 over (cough) McNeese State.  And Bucky destroyed UNLV 51-17.

Turner, let’s see if you can go 2-0.

This week:  3-1 (the Cowboy pre-season game doesn’t count).  Overall:  3-1.

The PFW will return Thursday when we’ll mourn the passing of an NFL legend, and declare a Guaranteed Win Night™ for one of my teams.

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There are times when this mild mannered Vicar(soon to be Pastor) would like to put in a call for some of his nastiness’s imperial Storm Troopers. My grandson suffers from Asberger’s syndrome, and as a result does not always react the way everyone else does to things. He tends, even at the age of nine, to be very very literal. As a result, the school has long had instructions that they are not to paddle Zack. Tuesday, the principal not only paddled Zack, but made fun of him.

Daughter had a meeting today with the Principal and other school officials which was not totally satisfactory. In other words, the Principal’s hind quarters are covered, even though what she did was egregious, and in my opinion constitute assault.

This woman(she is no lady) really needs to find new employment.

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Happy Blogaversary to me;

Happy Blogaversary to me;

Happy Blogaversary dear Vennnnn-o-mousssssssssssss (burp!)

Happy Blogaversary to me!!!!!!!!!

It was eight years ago today that Spatula City BBS! ceased being a simple web site and became a full-fledged member of the Blogosphere.

Eight years, several CSITMF challenges and one douchebaggery, plays-with-inflatable-dolls chickenshit (yeah, Cortese, I’m looking at you) later, we’re still going strong.

Thanks to all 110,000+ of you who’ve darkened my doorstep.

(And to the ones who’re too frightened to – yeah, told you so.)

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Denizens, the first regular season edition of the Perfect Football Weekend™…

VENOMOUS:  Okay, are we on the same page this year?  For once, that is?

MERLIN:  Ready, m’liege.

OZY McCOOL:  Standing by, m’lord

KORRIOTH:  All systems go, Admiral

K’HADIBAK’H:  Ready, sir.

T-BONE McMANX:  Hailing frequencies open, Your Rudeness.

RAYEGUN:  Would ya just get it over with and say  it, already?

THE SPATULAGODDESS:  Ready when you are, dear.

MRS. VENOMOUS (with cast-iron skillet):  As long as there are no asian hookers in this, honey.

VENOMOUS:  (ulp!)

VICAR:  Amazing you don’t have more concussions by now, my friend.

VENOMOUS:  The day’s still young, Vicar.

All right, then…kicks off

CREWCORRRRRRRRRRRR-NEEEEEEEEEEEEE…!!!!!1!!!ONE!!1!!ELEVENTYTEEN!!!!1!!~

VENOMOUS:  (facepalm)

CREW

(Oh, well.  Anything to keep ‘em from going union on me.)

…with this story about a free-for-all at a “yewt” (a little Rush lingo, there) football game.

SARASOTA – Emotions ran so high during a youth football game in Sarasota, an upset coach charged the referee, and anger over his call spilled onto the field.

The coach and several others went after 41-year-old referee Jayme Ream, and seconds later, a boy on the Sarasota Youth Gators knock the ref right off his feet. Mob mentality seemed to take over, and it was all caught on video. It’s absolute melee, and the Reams couldn’t get off the ground.

Uh…unsportsmanlike conduct, match penalty, everybody ejected…repeat fourth down?

“It’s absolutely disgusting. I have never seen anything like that. The coach should be disqualified from coaching altogether. The team should be suspended for the whole year. It’s not giving sportsmanship anything,” said Greg Fabijanczuk, a football dad.

[...]

The Sarasota School District has terminated its contract with the Mid-Florida Football and Cheerleading Conference. That means league games will no longer be played at schools in the district.

Yeah, no kidding.

Let’s get on with it.  The Dallas Cowgirls are in my former hometown of Miami – yeah, I only spent a cup of coffee there, but still – to play the final pre-season game against Fin.  And Montrae “Tub o’ Lard” Holland is still on the roster, and I’m getting more & more pissed about that by the nanosecond.

Troy Aikman has come out as advocating a blowup of the team if they don’t win this season.  For the record, this  scribe thinks they’ve already started on it.

Anyway, five ‘Girlz didn’t even make the trip – Newman, Austin, Bradie James, Kyle Kosier (bad back – uh, oh) and Tashie “Can I have your autograph, Mr. Dog Abuser?” Choice.  (And why he’s  even still on the roster is beyond me.)

Friday night, my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets start their season – and if it’s Week 1, it must be Azle and their Hornets.  Game’s there this year, and I can’t imagine Azle’s forgotten the thumping Heights gave ‘em last year, so I’m not expecting much.

Also Friday night, yours truly’s eyes will be glued to the four-lettered network as Gary Patterson’s 14th-ranked Texas Christian Horned Frogs are in Waco to take on Baylor’s Bears.  (I would actually be there, but Mrs. Venomous has to work that night, and I’m not going without her.)  TCU’s better, but this is in Bear territory, and neither have they  forgotten the 45-10 drubbing they got in Fort Worth last year.

(Vegas seems to see it this way, too – the line is TCU by 10.)

Still, we can hope for the same first-game magic for Casey Pachall as we got from Andy Dalton, whose first-ever college game was a 27-0 pasting of…Baylor.

Saturday night, Bob Stoops’ top-ranked Oklahoma Sooners get fed what should be a nice appetizer, when they host the Tulsa Hurricanes.  These are Tulsa’s Hurricanes, not Miami’s – but, given that half of Miami’s are on suspension right now, Tulsa’s may give OU more of a fight – which isn’t saying much, seeing as Vegas has ‘em as a 25-point road dog.

Bo Pelini’s 10th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers, meanwhile, get to tear up Tennessee-Chattanooga up in Lincoln.  They’re a 37-point favorite, so if it’s not a 40-point victory, expect Bo to go postal on Taylor Martinez.

We’re back Monday for the recap.  In the meantime, Kansas is a 14½-point favorite against McNeese State, so expect it to come down to a field goal, and my question for HDD this week is…given that Bucky is a 35-point favorite over UNLV at Camp Randall, how many red flags do you send up if Bret doesn’t beat ‘em by at least 50?

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