Local time where you're at. ("Where you're at"?)

The first official Perfect Football Weekend&#153 of the year ki…uh, wait a minute.

VENOMOUS:&#160 You guys ready?

MERLIN:&#160 Ready, Admiral?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Yes.&#160 Ready.&#160 C’mon, where is everybody?

KORRIOTH:&#160 Whatever do you mean, m’liege?

T-BONE MCMANX:&#160 Ready for what, Your Rudeness&#153?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Gentlemen.&#160 I would think you would know the drill by now.&#160 Especially&#160 since I’ve nearly electrocuted the lot of you a couple times over it.

OZY MCCOOL:&#160 Over what, O Tyrannical One?

RAYEGUN:&#160 Is there something for which we should have prepared ourselves, ol’ buddy?

THE SPATULAGODDESS:&#160 Really, hon, you’re becoming pretty paranoid these days.

THE VICAR:&#160 So why all the angst, my friend?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Fine.&#160 Whatever.

The first official Perfect Football Weekend&#153 of the year…(sigh)…kicks off…

ALL:&#160 CORRRRRRRRRRRRR-NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…!!!!!1!!!ONE!!!1!!ELEVENTYMILLION!!!1!!1!

VENOMOUS:&#160 (headpalm)

…with the story of what used to be a good television station that now seems to have descended into tabloid journalism.

As any of you who follow football know, the NCAA handed down the so-called “death penalty” to SMUT back in 1987, as a result of an investigation launched by WFAA Channel 8 (the local ABC affiliate here in Dallas).&#160 Channel 8’s investigation is credited with getting the guillotine started on its downward trajectory towards the old Shitland Pony program.

Just a couple weeks ago, the Southlake Carroll “hah skrewl” (a little Rush lingo, there) program suffered a serious setback when its quarterback, transfer Daxx Garman, was ruled ineligible to play this year.&#160 Again, it was a WFAA story that led the charge against this young man.

Sensing blood in the water, two weeks later WFAA ran a so-called “gotcha!” piece against Euless Trinity and the aforementioned Southlake Carroll, accusing each of having coaches supervising players during what’s known as a “7-on-7” drill, in supposed violation of an University Interscholastic League rule.&#160 (And an unconstitutional one, if I do say so myself – or can we no longer “peaceably assemble” where we please?)

So let’s see if we have this straight: We got congress-skank Eddie Bernice Johnson illegally steering college scholarships to friends & family; a goober-natorial candy-date who was against&#160 term-limits before he suddenly got religion about ’em; a Dallas County jail that finally passes a state inspection in a glowing&#160 tribute to an incompetent lezbo excuse-for-a-sheriff – and A.H. Belo’s television station can’t come up with anything better to investigate than possible&#160 violations of UIL rules?&#160 On allegations that are shaky, at best?

Goodbye & fuck off, Channel 8.&#160 You’re no longer the news station of choice in the Realm&#153.&#160 I can get my information elsewhere, thank you.

On to the PFW.&#160 If it’s the first week of the season for Ged Kates and my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, it must be Azle and their Hornets.&#160 Game’s in Azle this year (Friday night), and on the road with a new coach, I have zero&#160 idea how Heights will do.&#160 Gimme the Jackets & 24.

The marquee game of the week will be about four blocks from Realm&#153 headquarters, as the 24th-ranked Oregon State Beavers come to Cowboys Stadium to take on the sixth-ranked Texas Christian Horned Frogs.&#160 Gary Patterson’s boys have a ton to prove this year, and this’ll be a good way to start.&#160 Frogs are favored by 13&#189, so naturally Ross Evans will have to win it at the end.

The rest of the college games are pretty much of the sacrificial lamb variety.&#160 Bob Stoopes, Landry Jones and the seventh-ranked Oklahoma Sooners are playing host this weekend to Utah State (Vegas line:&#160 OU by 34); eighth-ranked Nebraska gets to feast on Western Kentucky in Lincoln (38-point home favorite), and Kansas gets to host – and no, I’m not kidding here – North Dakota State.&#160 That’s gonna be so lopsided that Vegas didn’t even put out a line on it.&#160 (See how they love you already, Turner Gill?)

Even 12th-ranked Bucky gets to get in on the act with a squash, though they’ll have to travel to Vegas to get it – they take on the UNLV Rebels, and they’re a 21-point road favorite.

Thursday night, the Dallas C’girls will be sitting their starters against the Miami Dolphins at the Death Star&#153.&#160 I probably shouldn’t watch, ’cause it’ll be P-U-Stun all over again, but I probably will.&#160 (Someone&#160 has t’ rip into ’em for ya.)

And there’s a bonus game this weekend in college.&#160 There’s a new breed of Shitland Ponies on my go-fuck-yourselves list, and it’s overrated third-ranked overrated Smurf Turf State and their Broncettes.

They’re at 10th-ranked Virginia Tech Monday afternoon.&#160 And Hokies – you had damned well best not let me down.&#160 Run up the score on these bastards, and show the world just who the fuck they are.

Smurf Turf State is one of my anti-teams (meaning I pull for whoever’s playing them; I don’t care if it’s TU) – and, should Va Tech win the day, it’ll be a PFW, regardless of what the other seven teams do.

We’re back Tuesday for the recap.&#160 In the meantime – stay safe out there on the road, HDD.